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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 17, 2023 22:37:43 GMT -6
Title: To San Pedro 1937
Genre: Noir
Trigger Warnings: Gun and Gang Violence
“Hey, Eddy. We ain’t getting out of Frisco that easy. When we get off at San Pedro Harbor, Dutch and his thugs will drill us into Swiss Cheese.”
The rear cabin of the Pan American Clipper “Honolulu” was the cat’s meow for its three last-minute passengers.
“Yea, Doll-Baby, that’s a problem,” Eddy agreed.
“Name’s Sweet Shanghai Sue,” Doll-Baby corrected.
“You certainly Shanghaied my heart, Doll, ah, Sue,” said Eddy.
“Eddy. See, we got another a problem in Seat 17,” Trixie Delaney interjected. “He’s been trailing us since Treasure Island. Don’t worry, I’ll fix our Seat 17 problem, Chatelet Fashion. Just like you taught me at Antwerp.”
“And I’ll chat with the pilot about our San Pedro problem,” Eddy said.
“While you two are playing, I’ll decode this message from Uncle,” Sue said.
“What message? Wait. You’re with Uncle too?” Eddy exclaimed.
“Since Verdun,” Sue said.
“Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” Eddy said.
Trixie returned to her seat and winked. Then the cabin steward screamed, “That man just jumped out of the plane.”
The Boeing Model 314’s four Twin Cyclone engines droned south above the California Pacific Coastline. Off the plane’s port wing glistened the San Simeon Castle.
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Post by DreamingoftheMist on Jun 19, 2023 0:41:00 GMT -6
I don't understand how this fits the writing prompt. The name provides details that are only implied through statements. The character names and dialog are cheesy. Without seeing the genre listed, I would assume it was an absurd action comedy or some kind of spoof.
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Post by OnBardicWings on Jun 19, 2023 11:20:10 GMT -6
I like the pulpy gangster, "myahh, see!" energy, but I'm not sure how this fits the prompt. Is the airplane cabin itself meant to be the box?
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Post by Mazulla on Jun 19, 2023 15:17:08 GMT -6
Reading this, it feels like it's taking place in the middle of a story, so I'm not exactly sure of the hook as a beginning to a story, or how it relates to a "box." There is a lot of dialogue and a few hints at what has taken place, but not really any context for the reader. Though I don't mind the "Noir" genre, I think the quippyness needs to be dialed back to find some balance, less "cheesy" comments like the Swiss Cheese or I'll be a monkey's uncle.
That said, I think it could be interesting, but needs a good beginning/hook to draw the reader in and get a good sense of the situation, as well as more descriptions/less dialogue.
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Post by whaleworkforfood on Jun 21, 2023 8:24:48 GMT -6
This is a disorientating open. I couldn't sink into the story during my first read. It took a second read-through for me to understand that:
a. There are three people called Eddy, Shanghai Sue, Trixie Delaney.
b. Someone called Dutch really doesn't like them.
c. Someone's trailing them in Seat 17.
d. Eddy and Trixie know each other, but they don't know Sue.
e. They're with someone called Uncle.
f. Someone jumped out the plane (the guy who was trailing our characters?)
That's a lot of information crammed into 200 words. Everything is further complicated by a lot of names and references to past events. This confusion means I still don't have a foothold on this story, 200 words in. There's a lot of backstory and names, but nothing for me to really anchor them to. All this information also diminishes the impact of what you want the reader to be focused on (presumably the guy jumping off the plane).
I'd suggest looking at all these pieces of info and deciding what has to be revealed at this stage of the story. For instance, do we need to know about the name of the plane, Uncle's existence, and Trixie and Eddy's past right now?
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 23, 2023 13:16:56 GMT -6
I love this sentence: “The rear cabin of the Pan American Clipper “Honolulu” was the cat’s meow for its three last-minute passengers.” It provides both setting and time-appropriate voice. I was curious as to what makes this plane so great and found this on Wiki:
Holy moly!!! This plane is definitely a relic of the past. So if you decide to expand this piece, enriching the setting, it would be so neat to see some of these aspects painted into the scene.
I’m also drawn in by the quick dialog and the implied trouble the characters are in and would like to find out more.
This segment has three strikes against it though:
1. Context – other than the line I quoted above, there isn’t much detail to fill in the gaps or answer the questions that the dialog gives rise to.
The lack-of-context issue becomes especially noticeable right here:
2. Believability – “That man just jumped…” Before this statement could be made, there would be a huge disruption throughout the plane itself as a door of some kind is opened and a gust of wind barrels through. Unless more time has passed than is implied and Trixie had the opportunity to follow/lure the “problem” to a place where this wouldn’t be the case…? I’m thinking modern planes, though, where there’d be a drop in pressure, freezing air, etc, so how high did these clippers fly? If they landed on the water, were there wheel bays or other doors that could be opened to permit her to throw a guy out? There are enough questions raised, even by the historical aspects of the plane itself, that this feels a lot like a plot hole, unless some kind of explanation is given, more than just a “wink.” Obviously, 200 words isn’t a lot of space to clear up these issues, but they could be addressed in an expanded version.
3. Prompt – there’s no box or a doorstep or anything disturbing inside any kind of compartment that I can find in this opening. Is the encoded message inside some sort of box? If so, that would need to be stated to count toward the prompt.
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Post by Soliton on Jun 26, 2023 8:38:50 GMT -6
After reading this entry, I finally connected the dots. This entry writing style reminded me of Mickey Spillane and Robert B. Parker with its many asides and references to backstories.
The title sets the stage as 1937 in California. This was an era of organized crime pre-WWII. The dialogue were strong terse gangland slang of the 1930s. The setting is itself intriguing in the de-lux suite on a luxury seaplane airliner.
This entry is startlingly cleaver. Instead of a box being delivered to the POV’s porch, this story is about a box (the inside of an airliner) delivering the POVs to the porch of the gang. As I continued to connect the backstory dots, it became clear that these three POVs were once French Secret Service Agents (the Deuxième Bureau) in WWI as reference to Verdun and Chatelet Fashion. The POVs were with the US Treasury Secret Service and were cleaning up US gangs. Now the POVs are part of the OSS heading for the Pacific Region of WWII in the days before WWII.
The opening statement was a good hook ‘em technique. The several problems described kept me wondering what was coming next. I wanted to read more of where this story was heading. This entry shows good use of hook ‘em techniques. Job well done. It was a cameo of a past era.
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Post by Sundrinker on Jun 26, 2023 18:21:54 GMT -6
In a strange way, this works. I have no idea what's going on so I'd like to read more. I'm guessing the box is the inside of the aircraft? Unless it's a technical term that I'm unaware of, this feels like a stretch on the intent of the prompt. As for the content itself, it's too dialog heavy and consists mostly of banter. Don't be afraid of interspersing the dialog with more narration. As it is, it feels like I turned on the TV in the middle of a show. If I knew what was happening before, I'm sure I'd find it much more captivating. Other than that: - Who's Uncle?
- "X said. Y said." Vary it a bit more. It's a good opportunity for characterization. How did they say it? Or what about their body language? It's good that I can get of feel of who the characters are by how they speak, but it's not good that it's *only* way.
- Seriously, who's Uncle?
- There's a lot of emphasis on references (Treasure Island, Antwerp, Verdun) that I can't tell what they actually refer to and details (like the EXACT type of plane engine), that don't particularly add to the story.
- I'm not joking anymore, who is he?
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 28, 2023 22:49:35 GMT -6
For me this reads like the middle of a story rather than the beginning.
For an opening that catches the reader's interest, we must care about the characters and their problems or dilemma. The old advice of starting with action only works if we have some kind of context and connection with the characters. This can be done by giving us something to empathize with them over. With this snippet I've learned these characters are on the run and someone will probably be waiting for them when they arrive at their destination. There are three characters in this opening scene: Eddy, Sue, and Trixie. There are some definite character qualities being shown and a lot of little bits of information dropped.
The BIG question is: how much do I care in these first 200 words? Is it enough to keep reading? If a beginning tries to throw too much at me or is confusing, I will usually stop reading and start something else.
For me, this needs a definite perspective shift. Who is the main character? Eddy? I can't tell because there isn't anything specific to his personal thoughts in this whole piece. It's mostly dialogue with a lack of any grounding or emotional context. You can give us a little more of Eddy's inner world- his worries, doubts, a hint at a secret that has an emotional impact, etc. That would help this immensely.
I enjoyed the fun noir-style writing and the little touches that were unique to this piece.
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 29, 2023 11:47:04 GMT -6
Loved the throw back atmosphere to the old gangster noir movies a la Humphrey Bogart, Robert Mitchum, etc., but couldn't seem to locate any "box" reference that would fit the prompt. That being said, great use of vintage dialogue and references. Not sure how well this works as a "hook" and also not sure that it piqued my interest sufficiently to want to know more; however, that's almost certainly due to the fact that I'm not personally overly keen on "gangster/mob" type stories more than the fault of the author here. In short, I'd be unlikely to read much of anything in this genre.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 29, 2023 21:09:37 GMT -6
The dialogue and word choice are flavorful and help establish the time period. There are lots of specific details here that make the piece feel well-researched and like there is a definite longer story outside of this passage. By the way, what's 'chatelet fashion'?
My big complaint about this hook is that the seat 17 problem isn't given enough weight and attention before the guy jumps.
I recognize this as a sequel to a story you wrote in the past, but I don't remember the other too well. I find this hook confusing with the multiple plot pieces going on, especially for people who haven't read or don't remember the prequel. The characters are facing three big problems at once: Dutch, the person in seat 17, and the message from Uncle. The three problems are given basically equal weight, so it's confusing for the reader to know what to focus on. I would concentrate on the seat 17 problem since the jump from the plane is the major bit of action in this scene. The other two can, and probably should, be alluded to, but in a way that lets the reader know they're not the main issue right now and that gives us a bit more context.
About seat 17 — How does Trixie know about the seat 17 guy? Did she know before she boarded, or did she just spot him on the way in or what? And then:
Trixie returned to her seat and winked. Honestly, I didn't even realize she got out of her seat. She says she'll fix the problem, but I didn't realize that right at that moment she was getting up to do so. With the three different plot points going at once, I didn't know that seat 17 was something I should be concentrated on.
If I were writing this, I'd start with the characters finding out about the seat 17 problem. Maybe we see Trixie walking past seat 17 and recognizing the man, for example. Or if you want to stay in Eddy's point of view, start with Trixie explaining the problem and having Eddy react. Either way puts us more in the action: 'showing, not telling' about them coming to realize that seat 17 is a problem, instead of just having Trixie give one line of dialogue about it.
I'd definitely show Eddy and the others taking the problem at least a little more seriously than they seem to right now. Even if they trust Trixie to have a solution, they should still give it some attention, or think or say something like, "At least Trixie's handling it." At this point, I'd have the characters also hint at their other two problems, so they don't come as a surprise later in the story. Maybe for example, Trixie talking about seat 17 momentarily distracts Sue from decoding the message. Giving less attention to the other two problems and incorporating them in the narration as they discuss seat 17 also gives you a little more word count to explain seat 17.
As it is, the characters don't seem to care all that much about anything going on with them. I can't tell how seriously people are taking Sue's first line of dialogue.
“Yea, Doll-Baby, that’s a problem,” Eddy agreed. This sounds sarcastic to me, especially since he's calling her by the affectionate nickname.
And then Eddy and Sue just start bantering.
By the end of the hook, one of their three problems is solved I guess, now that the guy has jumped? It kind of detracts from the hook effectiveness. The characters find their problems so light that they're joking over them, and one of the three problems is solved in the first few paragraphs.
Grammar California Pacific Coastline Lowercase 'coastline.' California Pacific Coastline isn't the name of a place, as far as I know. It's just the coastline of the Pacific in California. |
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ONE MORE DAY TO ENTER THIS WEEK'S ROLLING WEEKLY.
2023 Legends Contest results have been posted (finally): 