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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 15, 2021 7:57:40 GMT -6
The Battle Crow of Erin
I was not always as cold as the cry of a crow on a winter’s morn. When I was young, in those long-ago days when the sun was in its infancy and men counted hours by the shape of the moon, I had a passion in me, a passion as hot as the fires heating the dregs of the underworld. It was love I sought as I roamed the green hills and forested valleys of the island mortals would come to call Erin.
But my mother Danna said, “It is your fate, Morrigan, to govern the fate of mortals. As long as you cherish them, you cannot govern with clear eyes.” She stretched out her finger and touched my brow. My fair arms sprouted black feathers, and my cry of alarm roughened. “Go now,” Mother said. “Sew discord among men.”
“Why?” I shrieked, batting new wings.
“Despite their hubris, mortals must never forget us.”
For many an age, bloodshed stained the ground in the wake of my flight. The flesh of the dying became my food, and the souls of warriors my burden to carry into the glass palaces beneath the hills. I forgot the fires of yearning.
Until…
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 20, 2021 0:26:59 GMT -6
Technical
Just caught a couple things. You sow discord, not sew discord.
Shouldn't have a comma before 'and' because the latter part isn't a new clause.
4.5
Artistic
There's some really nice prose here, both in the first paragraph and the last one before the "Until." The analogies are beautiful; the references to olden times and the underworld add to the atmosphere and tell us that this is a time of myth. I am fond of the way it feels.
While it's a little explainy, what I get from this is that it's a framing narrative. Morrigan convinces us that she used to be driven by passion and briefly describes her past to break down the idea that she was always the way she is. After "until," the main story will begin. I think it works well as a framing narrative.
The bit with Danna feels a bit distant, though maybe that's the intention. "My cry of alarm roughened" is only said after learning that her arms grew feathers, and that's the first we learn that this moment is distressing to her. Some earlier indication that what's going on isn't a good thing would put us much more intensely in Morrigan's point of view. But I can also understand if that isn't the point, since Morrigan is describing background rather than this being the main story. And it gives the story a certain tone, one where she's supposed to be more bitter rather than gaining the reader's sympathy.
Still, it makes the emotion of that scene confusing. She shrieks "Why?" but I'm not sure how surprised or confused she is, just that she doesn't like it. Was she expecting this to come up at some point in her life? "Why?" is a bit of a strange reaction, also, to her mother giving an important sort of coming-of-age speech. And her mother doesn't seem fazed by the reaction, just literally answers why, almost like she expected her daughter to act that way or doesn't care.
I'm not familiar with the myth, also, beyond the little I've looked up for background, so that might affect my reading.
3.5
Prompt
In the point of view of a goddess.
5
Score: 4.33
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 22, 2021 17:02:33 GMT -6
The Battle Crow of ErinI was not always as cold as the cry of a crow on a winter’s morn. When I was young, in those long-ago days when the sun was in its infancy and men counted hours by the shape of the moon [Stop this gave me chills], I had a passion in me, a passion as hot as the fires heating the dregs of the underworld. It was love I sought as I roamed the green hills and forested valleys of the island mortals would come to call Erin. But my mother Danna said, “It is your fate, Morrigan, to govern the fate of mortals. As long as you cherish them, you cannot govern with clear eyes.” She stretched out her finger and touched my brow. My fair arms sprouted black feathers, and my cry of alarm roughened. “Go now,” Mother said. “Sew discord among men.” “Why?” I shrieked, batting new wings. “Despite their hubris, mortals must never forget us.” For many an age, bloodshed stained the ground in the wake of my flight. The flesh of the dying became my food, and the souls of warriors my burden to carry into the glass palaces beneath the hills. I forgot the fires of yearning. [This entire part is a masterpiece of prose.]Until… I mean...WOW. Technical Aspect:Nothing for me to pick apart, looks clean and tight. Only one tiny personal thing which is the use of "fate" twice so closely together but you know it didn't bug me too much so I give it a pass. It works in the context. So much praise for this interpretation of the Morrigan myth. 5 Artistic Elements:TEACH ME SENSEI. The imagery in this is stunning. I can almost taste the words. STOP. I can't take it anymore. From line one, not only am I drawn in but I am engrossed in this perspective. Each word has been carefully selected to evoke all the right emotions. Morrigan has this pure innocence in the beginning, wanting love and freedom. Then the burden of immorality and the reality of being a goddess turns her world upside down. I adore the last portion so much. We get a TON from the last part. A sense of loss, time becoming stretched and forgotten, dead and war blurring together...and the last until makes me breathless for more. Please expand. Keep going. A short story would be lovely. This is a refreshingly new take on the Morrigan as an individual with hopes, dreams, and desires. 5 Prompt: Told from the perspective of a goddess, yes! And not only did the first line hook me, but every line after that added more while baiting the hook. 5 TOTAL:In a RARE occurrence, you receive perfect marks. 5 |
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 24, 2021 7:53:51 GMT -6
I was not always as cold as the cry of a crow on a winter’s morn. When I was young, in those long-ago days when the sun was in its infancy and men counted hours by the shape of the moon, I had a passion in me, a passion as hot as the fires heating the dregs of the underworld. It was love I sought as I roamed the green hills and forested valleys of the island mortals would come to call Erin. A lovely opening!
But my mother Danna said, “It is your duty fate, Morrigan, to govern the fate of mortals. As long as you cherish them, you cannot govern with clear eyes.” She stretched out her finger and touched my brow. My fair arms sprouted black feathers, and my cry of alarm roughened. “Go now,” Mother said. “Sew discord among men.” To me I get; A good ruler can't have love for those they rules, Machiavelian, I get it.
“Why?” I shrieked, batting new wings.
“Despite their hubris, mortals must never forget us.” Now I get a change, the gods don't want to die, ie-be forgotten by men.
For many an age, bloodshed stained the ground in the wake of my flight. The flesh of the dying became my food, and the souls of warriors my burden to carry into the glass palaces beneath the hills. I forgot the fires of yearning.
Technical Aspect: Not my strong suit but extremely well written. The hook is there, I'd still be reading if there was more.Score:5
Artistic Aspect: It could be that I misunderstood or took it out of context, but Morrigan doesn't seem to like the job she's tasked with. Her burden, her loss of or never finding love when young If so, then maybe some more chutzpah when Danna chanaged her.Score:4.5[/b]
Prompt Use: Hey, a goddess none the less. Thanak you so much for participating and contributing such a lovely opening.Score:5
Final score: 5 + 4.5 + 5=14.5/3=4.83
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ScienceGirl
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 25, 2021 5:15:28 GMT -6
The Battle Crow of ErinI was not always as cold as the cry of a crow on a winter’s morn. This line could have been a great hook. I just got tripped up too much in reading it. When I was young, in those long-ago days when the sun was in its infancy and men counted hours by the shape of the moon, I had a passion in me, a passion as hot as the fires heating the dregs of the underworld. It was love I sought as I roamed the green hills and forested valleys of the island mortals would come to call Erin. I'd like to see some stronger verbs here. Rephrasing to edit out some of the was, which is repetitive by the 2nd sentence. "In my youth, in those long-ago days of the infant sun, when men counted hours by the shape of the moon, I had a passion." Also, that sentence is pretty long. Maybe break it into two or even three sentences. "I sought love..." You also use the word as several times here. A good rule of thumb is to try to not repeat words more than once in a paragraph unless you're going for a certain repetitive effect. It stops the flow of your text. But my mother Danna said, “It is your fate, Morrigan, to govern the fate of mortals. As long as you cherish them, you cannot govern with clear eyes.” She stretched out her finger and touched my brow. My fair arms sprouted black feathers, and my cry of alarm roughened. “Go now,” Mother said. “ Sew Sow discord among men.” Again, I'd like to see stronger verbs than said. Give some action that shows how Morrigan and Danna relate to each other. What kind of touch is this, for example? Lovingly? “Why?” I shrieked, batting new wings. “Despite their hubris, mortals must never forget us.” You need an action beat here to let readers know who is speaking. We kind of get that it's the mother, but it's helpful to give a few details showing her emotion, position in the setting, etc. Anchor this dialogue. For many an age, bloodshed stained the ground in the wake of my flight. The flesh of the dying became my food, and the souls of warriors my burden to carry into the glass palaces beneath the hills. I forgot the fires of yearning. Until… Technical: 3 You have several wordy sentences that could be cut back and made more concise. Quite a bit of repetition and sentences that could be shortened or split for better flow.Artistic: 3 Verb choice and character description is what really gets this one down for me. In a narrative hook, I want to see interesting action of some sort. Reel me in with high stakes. Give me some rich description and emotion. All crows have black feathers. What makes this one distinct and special?
Prompt: 4 Your hook really only comes in that first and last line. The first line tripped me up a bit, and by the end I was not invested enough in the story to be curious. You did use the POV of a goddess, however, and stayed true to it.
Overall: 3.33 |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 6:54:25 GMT -6
Technical: 4
The imagery was wonderful, but I had to read that first line a couple times to get what it meant. I don't really have a suggestion on how to fix it, it's a very evocative line, but it broke me out of the narrative from the get go so I could parse it.
Artistic: 3
The wording was vivid, I have no issues with that. My main issue was how quickly the prose went. You're trying to cram so much into these first few lines. If this were the actual story, you would want to develop her love for mortals more. In this case, the entire passage is, essentially, set up, and set up meant to be crammed into 200 words so you can 'get on with the plot'. I don't feel like this story deserves such a rushed set up.
Prompt: 3
I can't say this really hooked me. It wasn't much of a hook, just backstory. The "Until..." at the end isn't enough to make me want to read more. It's more like an afterthought. "Oh, by the way, there's more to this story." Good job with the Morrigan, though. It's an interesting theme, a goddess who does not desire their position.
4+3+3=10/3 = 3.33
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Post by Ruhaab on Jun 25, 2021 19:27:43 GMT -6
I was not always as cold as the cry of a crow on a winter’s morn. Took many reads to get the essence of the line. Maybe this isn't perfect line to start the sentenceWhen I was young, in those long-ago immemorial days when the sun was in its infancy and men counted hours by the shape of the moon, I had a passion in me, a passion as hot as the fires heating the dregs of the underworld. It was love I sought as I roamed the green hills and forested valleys of the island mortals would come to call Erin.
But my mother Danna said, “It is your fate, Morrigan, to govern the fate of mortals. As long as you cherish them, you cannot govern with clear eyes.” She stretched out her finger and touched my brow. My fair arms sprouted black feathers, and my cry of alarm roughened. “Go now,” Mother said. “Sew discord among men.”
“Why?” I shrieked, batting Fluttering new wings.
“Despite their hubris, mortals must never forget us.”
For many an age,I don't get the meaning of the line, need more editing bloodshed stained the ground in the wake of my flight. The flesh of the dying became my food, and the souls of warriors my burden to carry into the glass palaces beneath the hills. I forgot the fires of yearning.
Until…
Technical - 4.5
It looks except a few lines or sentences, everything is perfect. Start with different beginning as I found difficulty there to get the essence which is a bad thing for someone who is about to read your work.
Artistic - 5
I love some of your sentences, how sublime you weave them one by one. It was love I sought as I roamed the green hills and forested valleys of the island mortals would come to call Erin.
My fair arms sprouted black feathers, and my cry of alarm roughened.
Prompt - 5
You did a pretty sweet and simple job.
Total - 5+5+4.5 = 14.5/3 = 4.83
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Post by Frostguard on Jun 26, 2021 10:58:44 GMT -6
Technical: A misspelling and a few minor qualms about the wording in one sentence or two, but not much else to mention. I'll go with 4.7.
Artistic: I'm impressed. Some pretty beautiful images. I like the sound of many of the sentences especially. The setup is almost a story in itself, but it's perfectly clear and written well. I could go on, but I guess I'll just settle with a 5.
Prompt: That one final word really makes the hook. Everything's appropriate. Also a 5.
Average: 4.90
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 26, 2021 13:04:38 GMT -6
Technical
I found this to be quite poetic in its composition. The repetition was a little obvious and somewhat intrusive at times. It threw me out of the flow, which is a shame. I little editing could certainly take care of that though. All in all, great effort.
Score: 3.50
Artistic
Again, I would reiterate the poetic aspect. Morrigan is a personal favourite of mine and I feel her characterization here could have been a little stronger. In addition, I found the movement of the narrative to be a somewhat rushed. Still, I know it's difficult to get a good balance given a minimum of words to work with, so this was a really good try.
Score: 3.00
Prompt
Morrigan certainly has her own place in the mythological world and I found the hook here to be interesting. I would want to read more. And did indeed like the ending of "Until..."
Score: 5.00
FINAL TOTAL: 3.83
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Post by yankoo on Jun 28, 2021 7:53:33 GMT -6
Technical elements: It is technically sound. I did not notice mistakes except for sew/sow thing. Well structured. Grade:4.5
Artistic elements: the beginning paragraph is so beautiful to me. The first sentence is even colder than the cry of a crow! After the first paragraph, everything moves quite fast but it leaves for many questions and makes one more curious. Just not sure if the story would really answer my questions such as: why is it her fate to govern men (that sounds a little too much for me, and slightly cliche) Grade:4.5
Prompt: It’s nicely written and an interesting deity. I would like to read the whole story, but I’m not sure what Morrigan is all about since she just obeyed her mother into doing something that she didn’t even understand. Grade: 4
FINAL GRADE; 4.33
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 30, 2021 11:51:33 GMT -6
Ah, dang it! Sew/sow... I utterly despise homophones. This is why. Thanks for catching it. And I hugely appreciate all your comments. Good stuff.
I really wanted to bring in Cuchulain, and had an alternate version, so maybe I shoulda gone with that one instead. Oh, well... choices.
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ScienceGirl
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 30, 2021 11:58:41 GMT -6
I wondered if this one was yours! I should have added some positive comments about the dialogue. You always have the best, most creative dialogue and I so envy that! And beautifully written prose, as always, even though I scored it from the hook angle.
And don't feel bad. I sent a professional email the other day using the wrong they're,their,there. We all do it!
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 30, 2021 23:50:01 GMT -6
I wondered if this one was yours! I should have added some positive comments about the dialogue. You always have the best, most creative dialogue and I so envy that! And beautifully written prose, as always, even though I scored it from the hook angle. And don't feel bad. I sent a professional email the other day using the wrong they're,their,there. We all do it! Aw, LOL! Thanks, Sci. |
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Post by Alatariel on Jul 1, 2021 0:13:30 GMT -6
I knew it! Your prose is always so rich. I adored this one, obviously. Can't believe it didn't win first place. But there were so many good entries.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jul 1, 2021 8:57:49 GMT -6
I knew it! Your prose is always so rich. I adored this one, obviously. Can't believe it didn't win first place. But there were so many good entries. LOL, no worries! This was tough competition. And I love reading the widely varying takes on the same piece. |
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