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Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 18, 2022 11:51:06 GMT -6
Title: Bundled Hope
Genre: Post-Apocalyptic
Trigger Warnings: none
“I see the package,” Waverly muttered.
Static crackled in her left ear. “Be cautious,” Levi answered from the bunker.
Waverly scanned the crimson sky. “That’s a given.”
In full hazard gear, Waverly inched forward. Sweat trickled down her spine. The sound of her heavy breathing echoed in the claustrophobic silver suit.
The package, a tightly wrapped grime-covered blanket, was ten paces ahead in the middle of the cracked road. It appeared sometime before dawn. After a long debate, the conclave decided to risk one scout. Waverly.
Take one step at a time.
She forced herself to move until she stood over the bundle. She glanced around at the crumbling brick and gray stone surrounding her. A ruined city. No plants grew, only scorched earth. The air was toxic enough to ensure an agonizing death.
As Waverly steeled herself to nudge the package with a boot, it moved.
“What the–”
The blanket shifted. A corner fell to the ground.
Waverly stared in horror.
Two eyes stared back. How was it alive? With shaking hands, she lifted the baby. It blinked.
Static crackled. “Wave, what is it? You okay?”
“Yea.” A strange warmth filled her chest and it took her a moment to realize it was hope.
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 20, 2022 22:50:37 GMT -6
Technical Aspect: I didn't notice any glaring issues, in this line: The sound of her heavy breathing echoed in the claustrophobic silver suit. You don't need The sound of. I'm not sure where or what the ruined city is, unless it's the conclave, though the description is intriguing. Opening line is a good way to bring the reader in, nicely done.
Score: 4
Artistic Aspect: I liked this opening, it brought me in and my initial question was why Waverly? The tone and setting are there along with tension. A baby is hope, a bit of a troupe but that isn't a bad thing.
Score: 4.6
Prompt Use: I'll give you this, even though it's not known until the end, it's an abanadon baby.
Score: 5
Final score: 4 + 4.6 + 5=13.6/3=4.53
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 23, 2022 20:34:55 GMT -6
Technical My only grammar criticism is here.
It appeared sometime before dawn. After a long debate, the conclave decided to risk one scout. I would probably put this in the past perfect tense: It had appeared sometime before dawn. After a long debate, the conclave had decided to risk one scout. That would make it clear that these are things that happened before the action of the story.
Waverly scanned the crimson sky. Minor thing, but I might use a word other than 'scanned' because she is wearing high-tech gear after all.
4.5
Artistic This is pretty solidly written; the details are rich, and the narration is generally smooth. I like how when she sees eyes in the package, she starts with "horror" and it takes an extra moment to register that this is a child and a good thing.
The only issue I had with smoothness was this:
She glanced around at the crumbling brick and gray stone surrounding her. A ruined city. No plants grew, only scorched earth. The air was toxic enough to ensure an agonizing death.
I thought this a somewhat inelegant way of telling us the setting, her stopping to look around for not much clear reason. The fact that this is a post-apocalyptic setting with poisonous air could come up in a more natural way. Maybe the location of the package could be described as near the cracked road, in front of a crumbling building that used to be the hospital. Or she wishes she didn't have to wear the full suit, but she knows how deadly the air is.
I might've also liked some sense of what Waverly worried was in the package. This would help raise the stakes and understand her fear.
As a hook though, this excerpt alone doesn't really give a sense of what plot and conflict to anticipate. It sounds like the problem is already resolved: the mission turns out to be a lot less dangerous than it seemed now that we know the air isn't deadly, and there's hope for the world. There's not much tension left to carry the reader past this segment. Even if the rest of the story is about the world marveling at the baby and coming back to life, I'd like to see a little nugget of what that would entail, what Waverly is going to do, what the implications are. The setting is well-detailed, but as of now it's a pretty typical post-apocalyptic setting, and not much of it evokes further curiosity. Even something like mentioning something the conclave is planning could add some mystery to that.
3.5
Prompt A physically-lone explorer — she does have some help over radio — finds an abandoned baby.
5
Score 13/3 = 4 1/3 = ~4.3
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rim07
Smoke
Posts: 39
HARD: 400
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Post by rim07 on Jun 24, 2022 8:24:26 GMT -6
Technical: I didn't come across any mistakes. Good writing!
Score:4.5999
prompt: It fits the prompt very well.
Score: 4.7999
artistic: It is written very beautifully. I would love to read more. Amazing work!
Score: 4.9
avg=4.7666
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Post by Soliton on Jun 27, 2022 19:15:13 GMT -6
Technical Writing Elements:
The pacing was excellent. It pulled me in immediately. I wasn’t reading I was experiencing. Spelling and grammar were all correct. The hook for me was “In full hazard gear, Waverly inched forward.” The surrounding and setting was timeless and could have been caused by many different events (past, present, or future). The “hazard gear” sets the mood as dangerous and ominous.
The first line did not startle me enough.
SCORE: 4.3
Artistic Writing Elements:
Tension was immediate and grew toward the climax realization of the package’s contents.
I was looking for something strange and unworldly about the setting, but they seemed like typical rubble and ruin.
The dialogue and internal monologue moved the action quickly, effectively, and succinct.
The cliffhanger of finding a living baby in those circumstances opened up a world of story opportunities. I would jump to the next page to see where this would going.
It could be a nice book series.
SCORE: 4.5
Prompt:
The prompt “a lone explorer finds an abandoned…” came to me after some reflection. The baby was abandoned, but it was discovered. Waverly was mostly alone in her hazard suit, then discovered the baby. The best fit was the conclave was abandoned and found the baby. Bingo!
SCORE: 5.0
TOTAL: (4.3+4.5+5.0)/3 = 4.6
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 30, 2022 10:58:30 GMT -6
Technical:
Nothing out of order with regard to spelling or grammar caught my eye. The concept was delightful and the flow/pace moved forward well without feeling rushed. The hook opener definitely encourages the reader to want to know more. Nicely done.
4.50
Artistic:
Skillful use of dialogue (internal and/or otherwise) moves this tale along. Nowhere does it begin to feel bogged down at all. The range of emotions was cleverly executed as well...apprehension, courage, horror and finally, hope, as symbolized by the baby. I could see this translating well into graphic novel form.
4.50
Prompt:
This for me is the weakest aspect. Waverly is alone in her endeavor but she has back up in Levi at least, if not the entire conclave. The scenario indicates ruination but I'm not so sure about the abandoned angle. The fact that the baby is present suggests that the area is inhabited, although we don't know by what or whom. Regardless, this is an excellent compact entry and I would certainly read more if only to find out where that baby came from and the purpose of leaving it to be found where it was.
3.5
TOTAL:
4.16
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 30, 2022 12:40:06 GMT -6
Technical: 4.8
SPaG is clean and polished. The narration flows without issue. As for the hook, I love it. I’d keep reading to find out what’s up with this abandoned baby and the mystery of how it’s surviving this environment, and perhaps why it was left on the road.
Artistic: 4.8
I get a strong sense of setting and character from this opening. I’m not even finding any awkward word choices that bug me, except maybe “No plants grew, only scorched earth” which implies the earth is growing. The really cool thing is that this piece could be a complete work of micro-fiction, given how the tension/conflict ties up in that last line.
The narration does a great job in showing Waverly’s emotion through dialog, action, word choice, inner thought, etc. rather than tell the reader “she was afraid to move.” Nicely done.
If you decide to expand on this, the one question I have is about Waverly’s “inching forward” and having to “force herself to move.” I assume this has to do with fear rather than some heavy atmosphere or gravity. But it also implied that she’s afraid of more than just toxic air, that she must leave cover and expose herself to some kind of predator in that crimson sky. This was my first impression anyway, though on second reading I can see that I may have just assumed that.
Prompt: 5
An explorer finds an abandoned baby. She’s not technically alone, yet she is. So giving full score on this one.
Total: 4.87
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Bird
Counselor 
Posts: 350
Custom Title: World Creator and Destroyer
Preferred Pronouns: they/them/their
HARD: 1700
MEDIUM: 400
EASY: 110
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Post by Bird on Jul 1, 2022 19:34:01 GMT -6
Title: Bundled Hope Genre: Post-Apocalyptic Trigger Warnings: none “I see the package,” Waverly muttered. [[whispered or said would be better. Muttered doesn't fit the scene, especially as she's alerting the person in the bunker.]]Static crackled in her left ear. “Be cautious,” Levi answered from the bunker. Waverly scanned the crimson sky. “That’s a given.” In full hazard gear, Waverly inched forward. Sweat trickled down her spine. The sound of her heavy breathing echoed in the claustrophobic silver suit. The package, a tightly wrapped grime-covered blanket, was ten paces ahead in the middle of the cracked road. It appeared sometime before dawn. After a long debate, the conclave decided to risk one scout. Waverly. Take one step at a time.She forced herself to move until she stood over the bundle. She glanced around at the crumbling brick and gray stone surrounding her. A ruined city. No plants grew, only scorched earth. The air was toxic enough to ensure an agonizing death. [[Love the description of city. To the point, betrays the atmosphere of the place and mood of characters, and roots us in the scene.]]As Waverly steeled herself to nudge the package with a boot, it moved. “What the–” The blanket shifted. A corner fell to the ground. Waverly stared in horror. Two eyes stared back. How was it alive? With shaking hands, she lifted the baby. It blinked. Static crackled. “Wave, what is it? You okay?” “Yea.” A strange warmth filled her chest and it took her a moment to realize it was hope. Technical:
Just one word seemed out of place. Otherwise, solid work.
Score: 4.75
Artistic:
Vivid prose. Believable characters. Enough description to root the reader but not too much to overwhelm. This honestly feels like a short story done in less than 200 words. Well done.
Score: 5
Prompt:
Baby is abandoned. Fits.
Score: 5
Final Score: 4.91
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