|
|
Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 18, 2022 11:50:42 GMT -6
Title: Descent into Darkness
Genre: Suspense/Horror
Trigger Warnings: None
How could she have been so careless?
Georgia knew spelunking was unpredictable at best, deadly at worst. Yet she had allowed a bittersweet memory to distract her, triggered by a shimmer of quartz on the cavern wall.
A tiny elephant figurine, no larger than her thumb, discreetly tucked into a corner of her desk back home.
Now, Georgia wondered if she'd ever see it again.
Her head lamp flickered, and Georgia cursed herself for not preparing better. Once the light faded completely, she’d be bathed in eternal darkness until someone – or something – found her. Pain stabbed through her skull and Georgia touched the back of her head, bile rising in her throat at the damp sensation.
Water, or something far worse?
She turned, eyes wide at a shrill scrape and low guttural growl behind her. A light – no, twin lights, pale and golden – shone in the distance.
Georgia trembled at the chill seeping into her skin, blood pulsing in her ears as fear consumed her. She spun and scrambled for a foothold on slick walls, heart racing as prior apprehension spiraled to sheer panic.
This was it.
She was going to die, ravaged by whatever crept from the shadows, and Georgia would never see him again.
|
|
|
|
Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 19, 2022 11:37:55 GMT -6
Technical Grammar seems good.
There's a minor thing though that I was a little confused by. The first three paragraphs suggest that getting distracted by the memory of the crystal elephant was her fatal mistake. It sounds like the "careless" thing she did was think about the elephant instead of concentrating, and that despite knowing that spelunking is dangerous, she "allowed" the memory to distract her. But then her headlamp flickers, and we know that this was actually her fatal mistake, not charging the batteries or whatever, so the cave monster can get her when it fully goes out.
4
Artistic Creepy. A story about being pursued by unknown beasts while out in nature isn't new, but not knowing where to step in a pitch-dark cave while hearing growls is a horror situation that gets to me. That's primal fear.
Her focusing on the elephant seems very realistic to me. There've been times I've been in scary situations, like being outside in a thunderstorm, when seemingly trivial things like that go through my head. Good idea as a device.
I noticed that while describing a very external, physical conundrum, the writing is very internally-focused. There's a lot more about her thoughts, emotions, and sensations than about what she's actively doing and what's going on around her. I'm okay with that in general; after all, a lot of fear is what goes on inside us rather than what's actually happening to us. But I do think there could be just a bit less of this internalization in favor of setting the scene and making the surroundings feel really scary.
It's possible I don't know what I'm talking about, so consider this with a little skepticism. But I noticed these sentences in particular favoring the internal over strong imagery:
Yet she had allowed a bittersweet memory to distract her, triggered by a shimmer of quartz on the cavern wall. This one is more subtle, but it introduces the thing she sees in real time by means of the effect it has on her memory, instead of the other way around.
She turned, eyes wide at a shrill scrape and low guttural growl behind her. This one shows how she reacts before even showing us what she reacts to. I even feel that it downplays the scary sounds in favor of her reactions. Why not first tell us that something scrapes and growls, which gives us something to be afraid of, and then show that she reacts accordingly?
4
Prompt Georgia's a lone explorer, but nothing suggests the cave is abandoned. I would say abandonment implies someone was there before, which we don't see.
3.5
Score 11.5/3 = 3 2/3 + 1/6 = ~3.83
|
|
Bird
Counselor 
Posts: 350
Custom Title: World Creator and Destroyer
Preferred Pronouns: they/them/their
HARD: 1700
MEDIUM: 400
EASY: 110
|
Post by Bird on Jun 20, 2022 22:57:18 GMT -6
TechnicalEither make these two separate sentences or put a comma after skull. Other than that, I didn't see any major technical errors. Score: 4.7 ArtisticTitle: Descent into Darkness
Genre: Suspense/Horror
Trigger Warnings: None
How could she have been so careless? Georgia knew spelunking was unpredictable at best, deadly at worst. Yet she had allowed a bittersweet memory to distract her, triggered by a shimmer of quartz on the cavern wall.
A tiny elephant figurine, no larger than her thumb, discreetly tucked into a corner of her desk back home. I can't sort out how these relate. Did the quartz remind her of the figurine? I thought at first she found cave paintings, but then the "discreetly tucked into a corner of her desk back home" threw me off. I can't place what it is that made her careless? Did she fall? Take a wrong turn? How does the figurine play into this? Why is it mentioned? Is it significant? The "water, or something far worse" doesn't make sense for internal dialogue here. If I touched the back of my head and it was damp (especially if there was an accident), I'd panic about it being blood. Especially if I looked at my hand after. Which why doesn't she look at her hand after? It's like she touches it, thinks maybe it's water, and then doesn't check her hand or think of it beyond that. Also, if pain stabbed through her skull why is she remembering the elephant figurine in the first place? Wouldn't she be dazed, panicky about whatever caused the head injury, and dealing with the pain and blood that is likely making it hard to think? Who is him? I'm a bit lost as to what is happening or why she's even in this cave. The elephant figurine seems like it ought to be cut -- unless there is major significance to the plot later, but this might not be the best spot for that detail. For a hook, this confuses more than intrigues. I'd focus on one thing in the hook -- from the dampness on the back of her head, it seems like she fell possibly and hit her head. Focus on that and start the piece there. Once she feels her head and looks at her hand, share her internal dialogue and panic for that. Then introduce the weird sounds. That would make a stronger hook I think. Score: 2 PromptShe seems to be lost. I guess if she got abandoned in the cave, this would fit the prompt, but I don't see that reflected in the text. So I'm not sure what is abandoned. Unless the "him" that's referenced is a person who abandoned her in the cave? Score: 3 Total Score: 3.233
|
|
|
|
Post by pelwrath on Jun 21, 2022 20:03:41 GMT -6
Technical Aspect:
Yet she had allowed a bittersweet memory to distract her, triggered by a shimmer of quartz on the cavern wall.
A tiny elephant figurine, no larger than her thumb, discreetly tucked into a corner of her desk back home. This was confusing. Read it several times and got it. Rewrite it: A shimmer of quartz took her back to that elephant figurine, hidden in her desk.
Otherwise nothing that I'd consider noticeable.
SCORE: 4
Artistic Aspect:
What's not to like. She speunking alone and slipped/fell down the rope. Good descriptionof the bump, where she landed and her forboding of things to come. Like this line.
She turned, eyes wide at a shrill scrape and low guttural growl behind her. A light – no, twin lights, pale and golden – shone in the distance.
SCORE: 4.5
Prompt Use:
A little weak here. Georgia is alone, (her own fault) but that doesn't really qualify as abandoned.
SCORE: 2.5
Final Score: 4 + 4.5 + 2.5=11/3=3.67
|
|
rim07
Smoke
Posts: 39
HARD: 400
|
Post by rim07 on Jun 24, 2022 8:15:24 GMT -6
Technical: The sentences are a bit long but I think they agree with the context and the theme of this story. I didn't find any other mistakes. The pacing was enjoyable.
Score: 4.6
Artistic: I love how the story flows. I am scared for Georgia. It is executed very beautifully. Well done!
Score: 4.5
Prompt: I think it fits the prompt well.
Score: 4.5
avg=4.5333
|
|
|
|
Post by Soliton on Jun 27, 2022 19:23:15 GMT -6
Technical Writing Elements:
The pace pulls me into this predicament. The setting is the sum of all my fears of spelunking. The hook is “spelunking was unpredictable at best, deadly at worst.” This is a gamble gambit. Many people have spelunking high on their phobia list. (For me, it’s right up there with spiders.) For this reason, I see this entry as a horror tale.
Setting is well detailed. Spelling and grammar are correct.
Don’t spelunkingers wear helmets? So the hit on Georgia’s head would not be fatal, but the injury seems severe.
SCORE: 4.2
Artistic Writing Elements:
The entry begins with Georgia’s focus all over the map. Yet, she is conducting a highly technical and dangerous task.
Note to self, never operate heavy equipment or conduct highly technical and dangerous tasks unless you are laser focused and intent on current actions.
Early on I fear this all will not end well for Georgia. Another thought, what is driving Georgia to do this while she is in this state of mind and alone? She seems driven. The encounter later with a thing in the cave leads me to thinks that happened before and she must make contact again.
All this is me connecting far spaced dots in this entry. Georgia has a lot of mental baggage with her hanging from her rope.
I would read on to answer these questions? What is this thing in the dark? What does it look like? Did the thing attack her or did a random rock hit Georgia? Will the thing save her (eating her is a very short story). Does anyone know Georgia went on this adventure?
This entry does a terrible job selling spelunking: dark, claustrophobic, monsters, injury, technical skill and expense required. I am not doing it.
SCORE: 4.2
Prompt:
The prompt “a lone explorer finds an abandoned…” is fulfilled on the lone explorer aspect.
Georgia does find some mysterious thing. Not sure if the mystery thing is abandoned yet.
SCORE: 3.8
TOTAL: (4.2+4.2+3.8)/3 = 4.1
|
|
|
|
Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 30, 2022 11:29:15 GMT -6
Technical:
I see nothing glaring in terms of spelling or grammar. This was a very clean entry and the pace was spot on. I like that the piece opened with a question. I immediately wanted to know more.
4.50
Artistic:
Something that bothers me a little is the fact that Georgia is knowledgeable about spelunking and yet, she neglected to fully check her equipment before descent into the cave. I'm also not sure what the source of Georgia's pain might be. She's apparently wearing a helmet, so what would penetrate such protection as to harm her skull? She suggests water, but that doesn't seem logical. However, the mounting sense of terror is nicely introduced and her fear is palpable. I like that the "cave monster" comes with a minimal description. This leaves the reader so much more room for the imagination to take over. I'm also confused about the fact that "Georgia would never see him again." Does "him" reference the previously mentioned elephant (which seems to have scant relevance) or some individual that we don't yet know about?
3.00
Prompt:
Georgia certainly feels abandoned. Who wouldn't given the circumstances? But I got no sense of the cave itself being an abandoned location.
3.00
TOTAL:
3.50
|
|
|
|
Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 30, 2022 12:06:43 GMT -6
Technical: 4.7
I can’t find anything to complain about on the technical end. The SPaG is exceptionally clean and polished. Personally, I would remove the comma after “Now,” but I’m getting nitpicky.
Hook: A dire life-threatening situation, a character with regrets, the arrival of a mysterious monster/animal. I’d turn the page to see how/if she escapes and what this creature is. I’m especially interested in this elephant figurine – why it’s stuffed away – and her regret as a second driving motivation to scramble out of this situation (the first being not to get eaten).
Artistic: 4
The one paragraph that caught me up is the “Georgia trembled” para, for a couple of reasons: 1. Structurally, the “chill seeping, blood pulsing, heart racing” phrasings coming in quick succession, muddles the flow a bit for me. 2. “fear, apprehension, panic” is quite a bit of emotion being stated rather than shown in her reactions, and also “fear consumed” is already superlative enough that the narration encounters the need to backtrack that emotion a bit to “apprehension” so that her emotions can “spiral to sheer panic.” See what I’m getting at? The simplest solution I can see is to delete “as prior apprehension spiraled to sheer panic” and dive straight into her thoughts and actions.
Other than this, the imagery is solid, the elements of setting and character arc/backstory, the introduction of the creature complication, all flow naturally into each other, giving the narration a graceful, organic feel.
Prompt: 4
As a hook, this is lovely stuff. As for the prompt, there’s a lone explorer. I can’t tell what is abandoned. Does she feel abandoned? That’s a stretch since there’s no indication she came with a team. Is she the first to enter this abandoned cave? There’s not really an indication that anyone came here before her, yet none that people come here to explore all the time either. Perhaps the creature was abandoned, and later paragraphs will reveal this? Now, that elephant figurine. She did abandon it in the back of her drawer, so maybe that’s a symbol for her abandoning her relationship? In any case, I’m unable to draw a solid conclusion, but all the rest is intact!
Total: 4.23
|
|
|
|
Post by Alatariel on Jul 1, 2022 20:50:32 GMT -6
Technical Aspect:
There are a lot of positives, here. It's a very clean edit and flows nicely. I don't get lost in too many places, but I'll highlight the areas I think could be eliminated or edited for clarity. How could she have been so careless? Georgia knew spelunking was unpredictable at best, deadly at worst. Yet she had allowed a bittersweet memory to distract her, triggered by a shimmer of quartz on the cavern wall. A tiny elephant figurine, no larger than her thumb, discreetly tucked into a corner of her desk back home. For the purposes of this contest, I think this does more to distract than add anything essential. If this is vital to the story, I'd add it later but because it's so close to the first sentence it just interrupts the flow.Now, Georgia wondered if she'd ever see it again. Since this is directly related to the previous sentence, I'd eliminate it, too. Or revise it to "she wondered if she'd ever see **something else significant to her** again". This would be a good place to mention who "him" is, the one mentioned at the end. Seems more important than an elephant figurine.)Her head lamp flickered, and Georgia cursed herself for not preparing better. Once the light faded completely, she’d be bathed in eternal darkness until someone – or something – found her. Pain stabbed through her skull and Georgia touched the back of her head, bile rising in her throat at the damp sensation. (I think this should've come sooner, right after the second sentence above, actually, instead of the section about the elephant.)Water, or something far worse? (she still has light, why doesn't she look at her hand to see if it's blood? That would be my first inclination. Heck, when my nose is runny I immediately check to see if it's blood on the tissue because I tend to get random nosebleeds. So wondering if it's water rather than blood from the injury is...odd.)She turned, eyes wide at a shrill scrape and low guttural growl behind her. (I personally think the sound should come first, and then her turning with wide eyes as a response. The order seems off.) A light – no, twin lights, pale and golden – shone in the distance. Georgia trembled at the chill seeping into her skin, blood pulsing in her ears as fear consumed her (unnecessary). She spun and scrambled for a foothold on slick walls, heart racing as prior apprehension spiraled to sheer panic. This was it. She was going to die, ravaged by whatever crept from the shadows, and Georgia would never see him again. ("Him" seems important and yet this is the first time we hear about someone meaningful to her. I'd like to hear about it earlier. I know if something happened to me, my first thoughts would be about my kids and husband, everything else would be secondary.)So this is such a strong piece (though my red marks might make you think otherwise, that's not the case) that I want it to be even stronger. It can be tightened up and honed into something really phenomenal. Focus on what's important to the character and move things forward without lingering too much on any single thing. 4 Artistic Elements:
I like the intention behind this and the scenario, the hook aspect is there and I'd keep reading. There were some pacing issues, but once those are addressed I think this could be an exciting read. I can feel the terror and desperation. The one thing that's lacking is our connection to Georgia and why we should care about her, but that's easily solved by focusing more on who's important to her and why she needs to escape. Of course she wants to survive, we all would in her situation, but for a reader to care about a character we need some kind of emotional connection to her. We need to relate to her. Bring "him" more to the forefront of her mind and we will have that much needed connection. 4 Prompt:
She's abandoned and an explorer. No one goes spelunking unless they like to explore places that most people avoid. 5 TOTAL: 4.3
|
|
You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
