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Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 18, 2022 11:50:17 GMT -6
Title: Crossroads (temporary/working title)
Genre: Science Fiction
Trigger Warnings: None
Word Count: 200 Words
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CROSSROADS
Of the six open coffins arranged in orderly fashion on the tarmac, only one was inhabited. Adam Walker, comatose tenant of the sole occupied casket, was cognizant of this as he regained consciousness and became aware of his surroundings.
He pulled himself upright, fingers nervously taut against the cool smooth walls of his confinement. Recent memory was sketchy, snapshots that flashed, evaporated and yet, lingered.
Hiking the peaceful North Yorkshire Moors, where he often escaped depressing demands of teaching Botany to privileged sons who had zero interest in learning, he relished the heather-scented breeze brisk against his face and looked forward to perhaps discovering previously unclassified flora.
Adam intended to share his sandwich with the meadow pipits but all had been still and silent, not even the chirping of a bird or rustling of a ground beetle, on that day.
What day?
Today?
Yesterday?
Struggling to keep his balance, Adam emerged from the coffin to a disconcerting panorama. Nearby buildings resembled hangars but apparently abandoned with no signs of life or movement normally associated with a busy airport. A desolate expanse of unrecognizable scrubland lay in every direction, airbrushed a scorched sienna in the dwindling light of dwarfed dual suns as they descended the ragged horizon.
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rim07
Smoke
Posts: 39
HARD: 400
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Post by rim07 on Jun 21, 2022 8:25:36 GMT -6
Technical: I couldn't come across any mistakes. They seem to e grammatically correct.
Score:4.9
Prompt: I think it fits the prompt very well.
Score:4.92
Artistic: I loved to read this. It was not only interesting but also beautifully written. Would definitely love to read more...
Score:4.97
avg:4.93
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Bird
Counselor 
Posts: 350
Custom Title: World Creator and Destroyer
Preferred Pronouns: they/them/their
HARD: 1700
MEDIUM: 400
EASY: 110
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Post by Bird on Jun 26, 2022 13:27:32 GMT -6
Technical: CROSSROADSOf the six open coffins arranged in orderly fashion on the tarmac, only one was inhabited. Adam Walker, comatose tenant of the sole occupied casket, was cognizant of this as he regained consciousness and became aware of his surroundings. [[If he's comatose he can't be cognizant of this]]He pulled himself upright, fingers nervously taut against the cool, smooth walls of his confinement. Recent memory was sketchy, snapshots that flashed, evaporated and yet, lingered. Hiking the peaceful North Yorkshire Moors, where he often escaped depressing demands of teaching Botany to privileged sons who had zero interest in learning, he relished the heather-scented breeze brisk against his face and looked forward to perhaps discovering previously unclassified flora. Adam intended to share his sandwich with the meadow pipits, but all had been still and silent, not even the chirping of a bird or rustling of a ground beetle, on that day. What day? Today? Yesterday? Struggling to keep his balance, Adam emerged from the coffin to a disconcerting panorama. Nearby buildings resembled hangars but apparently abandoned with no signs of life or movement normally associated with a busy airport [[this is repetitive as "no signs of life or movement infers this]]. A desolate expanse of unrecognizable scrubland lay in every direction, [[this is already inferred with the term "desolate expanse." Also, making "airbrushed" the verb of the sentence makes it more coherent and improves the imagery]] airbrushed a scorched sienna in the dwindling light of dwarfed dual suns as they descended the ragged horizon. : 3.75 Artistic: There is some beautiful imagery in here that can be clarified and brought to the fore with a bit of editing. The abandoned setting plus the weird alignment of coffins definitely adds a spooky atmosphere to this piece. As a hook, this works really well, and I'd definitely read more to figure out why he woke up in a coffin on an abandoned airstrip. Score: 4 Prompt: Fits it. Abandoned in a coffin on an abandoned airport tarmac. His memories seem to have abandoned him as well. Score: 5 Final Score: 4.25
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Post by Soliton on Jun 26, 2022 16:59:38 GMT -6
Technical Writing Elements:
The first line startled me. The setting was engaging and was well defined. What’s not to like: coffins, English Moor, two suns in the sky? The pacing was excellent. Awaking inside a coffin is one of the most terrifying surroundings conceivable! I read on in tension wanting to find out if Adam gets out of that coffin. So many questions? Who are in the other coffins. Why was Adam in the coffin? Spelling and grammar are correct. POV clearly defined.
SCORE: 5.0
Artistic Writing Elements:
This is gripping. I want more. Please write the complete tale. I am your fan. It flows with masterly skill. I did not read it. I immersed into it! So many questions I need answers to and would turn the page for more. The mood moves from terrifying to wandering to engaging. I have never read or considered these elements mixed into a story. I loved it.
It was clear the author personally knows the North Yorkshire Moors. I loved the vivid surrounding colorations descriptions.
Thank you for this master class in story telling. I learned a lot.
The cliffhanger is Adam finds himself in a strange abandoned world with twin suns. What will followed?
SCORE: 5.0
Prompt:
The prompt “a lone explorer finds an abandoned…” was clearly defined as Adam finds himself all alone in an alien world. How exciting can this be?
SCORE: 5.0
TOTAL: (5.0+5.0+5.0/3 = 5.0
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 28, 2022 10:15:04 GMT -6
Technical: 4.8
What an opening! As far as technical goes, the piece is so polished that I have hardly anything to complain about. SPaG is gorgeous. There seems to be a missing word that interrupts flow/clarity here: “Nearby buildings resembled hangars but (help! I’m missing!) apparently abandoned with no signs of life…”
Hook: What’s not to love about this? A dude from Yorkshire wakes up in a coffin in an abandoned airport on a planet with two suns.
Artistic: 4.8
There’s so much I love in this opening. The tone, the character’s attitude and backstory revealed in a single sentence-paragraph, the imagery and setting anchoring both the backstory and the present circumstances in a vivid, relatable way, the twist of two suns at the end. The way this excerpt is written causes me to completely believe the character and scenario. If the rest of the story continues in this vein, it’s a winner. Please write it till The End.
Prompt: 5
An abandoned person left for dead on an abandoned landscape. What the heck happened out there on the Yorkshire moors that caused him to end up “dead” and transported in a coffin to a world with dual suns? I’d so turn the page to find out.
Total: 4.87
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 28, 2022 19:55:33 GMT -6
Technical Coffins could be trying to imply that Adam died and this is the afterlife, or that he died and was brought back to life somehow, or that his consciousness shifted to someone on another planet, or that someone tried to kidnap him — basically, something science fictiony about death and being. Or maybe it's not meant to imply anything like that, and the coffins are just a mystery. Or somewhere in between. I don't mind either way, and this is not affecting my scoring!
A couple of line-by-line matters:
cool smooth walls cool, smooth walls Adam intended to share his sandwich with the meadow pipits but all had been still and silent, not even the chirping of a bird or rustling of a ground beetle, on that day. I might have used the past perfect, "Adam had intended." I might also move "On that day" either to the beginning of the sentence or after "pipits"; it reads just slightly awkwardly to me the way it is. I understand you're trying to put it at the end to transition to the "What day?" in the next line, but I think saying "What day was that?" would make it clear what you meant. There are probably a couple words you could cut elsewhere to meet the word count restriction; I discuss this in Artistic.
4.5
Artistic This definitely stirs my curiosity. It's so off-beat that I wonder whether you tried to come up with an extremely bizarre situation to catch our attention and then built a hook around it. It might feel a little overly random, but I don't really mind. It caught my attention from the first sentence, and the weirdness may well be justified with whatever comes next in the story. It's definitely a catchy hook because of the questions this brings up about what happened to Adam and what he's going to do. The uninhabited coffins also hint at later encounters by suggesting that other people were in the same situation as him and got out sooner — who are they, where'd they go, and will Adam meet them?
I appreciate the detail that Adam has a genuine interest in botany. It adds fullness to see something of what the character is like outside of the situation we see him in. Mentioning the Yorkshire moors is also an elegant way of telling us that he's from Earth.
I'm ambivalent about the way the dual suns get mentioned. It's buried in the middle of much more normal scenery in that sentence. Shouldn't it be given more attention, since it's the one thing that tells Adam he was taken to a different planet? But on the other hand, the understatement is kind of fun. The fact it occurs at the end of a paragraph — if indeed the paragraph isn't longer in the full version — also calls a little more attention to it.
On the sentence level, there are a couple places that I thought could be improved but aren't technically incorrect:
was cognizant of this I find this a bit weak. The story starts with a really attention-grabbing first sentence, and then in the second, the guy is simply aware of it being the case. I'd say it's clear enough that Adam is going to be cognizant of the fact the other coffins are empty, especially if you mention somewhere that the coffins are open. So the second sentence can stick to the action of Adam regaining consciousness and looking around.
Nearby buildings resembled hangars but apparently abandoned with no signs of life or movement normally associated with a busy airport. This is way too wordy. The "but" already contrasts the stillness with the usual state of hangars, so you don't need to say "normally associated with a busy airport." "Abandoned" and "no signs of life or movement" are also kind of redundant.
A desolate expanse of unrecognizable scrubland lay in every direction, airbrushed a scorched sienna in the dwindling light of dwarfed dual suns as they descended the ragged horizon.
Seems kind of too adjective-heavy. Out of the seven nouns in this sentence, six have adjectives.
4 Prompt Adam is a lone explorer not by choice, though I guess he was also a lone explorer back when he was hiking the moors. And he finds abandoned coffins in an abandoned airport-thing.
5
Score: 4.5
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 28, 2022 21:10:28 GMT -6
Of the six open coffins arranged in orderly fashion on the tarmac, only one was inhabited. Adam Walker, comatose tenant of the sole occupied casket, was cognizant How can he be if he's unconscious/in a coma? of this as he regained consciousness and became aware of his surroundings.He comes to but unless he planned this, how does he know he's in the only unoccupied coffin?
He pulled himself upright, fingers nervously taut against the cool smooth walls of his confinement. Recent memory was sketchy, snapshots that flashed, evaporated and yet, lingered.I liked this line.
Hiking the peaceful North Yorkshire Moors, where he often escaped depressing demands of teaching Botany to privileged sons who had zero interest in learning, he relished the heather-scented breeze brisk against his face and looked forward to perhaps discovering previously unclassified flora.
Adam intended to share his sandwich with the meadow pipits but all had been still and silent, not even the chirping of a bird or rustling of a ground beetle, on that day.
What day?
Today?
Yesterday?
Struggling to keep his balance, Adam emerged from the coffin to a disconcerting panorama. Nearby buildings resembled hangars but apparently abandoned with no signs of life or movement normally associated with a busy airport. A desolate expanse of unrecognizable scrubland lay in every direction, airbrushed a scorched sienna in the dwindling light of dwarfed dual suns as they descended the ragged horizon.
Technical Aspect: Some issues in the opening but otherwise a well done begining. No SP&G that I noticed, though my noticing that wouldn't be a good thing. The intent of an opening is to grab the readers attention, and that you have done.
Score: 4.75
Artistic Aspect: I really liked this submission. Excellent setting and suspense as to why Adam Walker is here. You offer no answers, only questions. Good descriptions using sight, smell, and scent to guide the reader.
Score: 5
Prompt Use: Was he abandoned or kidnapped? He's alone to be sure and against his will, as he was placed in the coffing by someone or thing.
Score: 4
Final score: 4.75 + 5 + 4=13.75/3=4.58
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 30, 2022 11:50:43 GMT -6
Technical:
I didn't notice any outstanding spelling or grammatical errors and found the opening certainly eye-catching. Waking up in a coffin...shudder!!!!! One of my worse nightmares. There seems to be a couple of instances where commas are missing but otherwise, this was a clean entry.
4.00
Artistic:
Some very nice imagery going on here and I like the interwoven history snippets of Adam's life, which gives a sense of who he is. I'm curious as to whether the other five coffins had been occupied and if so, where did every one else go and why did they leave Adam behind? Delightful crop of questions that I would love to see answered. The dual suns at the end threw me a little but I guess they're in the picture to enhance the feel of an alien world.
4.50
Prompt:
I think this fits the bill rather well. Adam was alone hiking/exploring the moor; he wakes up alone in an abandoned location; and, to add insult to injury, even any fellow transportees have apparently abandoned him as well.
5.00
TOTAL:
4.50
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Post by Alatariel on Jul 1, 2022 20:23:31 GMT -6
Technical Aspects:
This is a very strong entry with minimal technical issues. There are some wording choices I would change and things I'd eliminate that are unnecessary.
So nothing super major but I do feel like there's a tendency to be overly wordy in some places. Things that can be inferred can be cut in order to give us various lengths of sentences. There are a lot of longer sentences that could benefit from shorter sentences in between to bring interest to the opening and increase tension.
4
Artistic Elements:
I highlighted some parts that were really nicely done! We have a sense of the character, the setting, and the scenario. We aren't given too much to digest but just enough to peak interest and make me want more. I certainly would keep reading so this is an excellent hook. I can see it so vividly, like a TV show opening. I love that you gave us a small glimpse into who this character is, that way his cerebral outlook isn't strange since we know he's a more cerebral person. He's taking in all the information before reacting, but we still have clues to his unease. Very well done. I want to know more about those other empty coffins. Why are they empty? Were there others? Where are they now? So yes, please keep writing and give us answers!
4.8
Prompt:
No complaints. Perfect example of both abandonment and a lone explorer...though he is a non-consensual explorer.
5
TOTAL:
4.6
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