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Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 18, 2022 11:49:12 GMT -6
TITLE: The Tomb of Kadget
GENRE: Fantasy
WORDS: 200
WARNINGS: None
“Kadget’s throne room lies beyond those double doors. The Necromancer said beware the slaves who made this place, Kadget condemned them to death when they finished.”
A body was on the throne, against the far wall, a spetum held in his boney hand. Uxator walked to about five feet from the throne and stopped.
His crown still on his head.
“Does it weigh heavy, my dead king?” Even in the torch lit darkness, he felt uneasy.
I’m being watched.
“Who’s there?” He drew Hawk Wing.
A cool wind brushed his face and brought words to his ears.
“Who are you?”
The air was becoming bone chillingly cold.
“I’m Uxator, half-orc and master of shadows. Who are you?”
Movement in the shadows, a vaguely humanoid form was visible at the edge of the torch light.
A shadow, a creature of darkness, cold and death.
“We are Kadget’s abandoned. Did you free the slaves in Iskaria.”
“How did you know?”
“Our life is tied to the shadows, we hear of many things, shadow master. Free us and we’ll serve you.”
“How do I?”
“A king condemned us; a king can free us. Be a better king than dead Kadget. Claim his crown.”
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rim07
Smoke
Posts: 39
HARD: 400
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Post by rim07 on Jun 20, 2022 8:43:57 GMT -6
Technical:-
'The Necromancer said beware the slaves who made this place,'- this could've ended with a full stop
', against the far wall,'- instead of 2 commas maybe this 'against' could've been the start of a new sentence
'Even in the torch lit darkness, he felt uneasy.'-this sentence confuses me. I can see why Uxator could be 'uneasy' but I would believe it is because of the darkness not despite it.
'Did you free the slaves in Iskaria.'- '?' should've been used
'Our life is tied to the shadows,'- again, wrong use of punctuation
Score:3.968
Artistic: I haven't read many fantasy novels or stories but this gives me the vibes of older fantasy movies. I do like how the dialogues are framed. I like the concept of the story. I like how the characters are described.
Score:4.5
Prompt: I think it fits the prompt well.
Score:4.23
Avg:4.232667
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 21, 2022 21:57:18 GMT -6
Technical Who is saying the quote at the beginning? Is this a guard in front of the throne room? Then we need to see them so we know who's speaking. Or is it Uxator? Then it definitely seems strange for him to say this out loud.
And if that quote at the beginning is being spoken by someone other than Uxator, is Uxator the Necromancer? He does get called "shadow master" which sounds like something to call a necromancer. So maybe they got him to go in there and set things straight? It's really hard to understand without context and knowing who the speaker is. Still, I think it's okay not to know exactly what his business in the tomb is at this point. I kind of like watching him and wondering what he's going to do next without immediately knowing his intentions.
There are some questions of making sense and internal consistency. Like why exactly did he come here, and was he expecting the shadow to offer to serve him? Why wouldn't he, as a shadow master, know that the shadow would be aware of his previous slave-freeing? But this doesn't really bother me as it's just a beginning. I would expect these to be worked out in a full piece.
The italics are inconsistent. At first they're being used for what I guess are Uxator's thoughts, but then the "Who are you?" is also italicized.
There are a few grammatical issues:
The Necromancer said beware the slaves who made this place, Kadget condemned them to death when they finished. Should have a period or semicolon instead of the comma. Both can stand alone as sentences.
Even in the torch lit darkness, he felt uneasy. "Torch-lit." Also, this is confusing. It should be something like "even in the torch light, he felt uneasy" because I assume it's the light making him feel at least a little better.
Movement in the shadows, a vaguely humanoid form was visible at the edge of the torch light. Doesn't really check out grammatically. This structure means that the humanoid form is the movement in the shadows. Think of "a brave man, he wasn't scared."
Did you free the slaves in Iskaria. Question mark Our life is tied to the shadows, we hear of many things Also a run-on sentence. 2.5
Artistic This is a fun read and a creative idea. It works as a hook for me because that quote at the beginning evokes both curiosity and risk. A half-orc feels a bit heavy on game tropes, and that detracts from the story for me, making it more conventional as far as fantasy goes. But if it's that type of story, then all right.
In the dialogue between Uxator and the shadow, I'm not getting a clear sense of his attitude towards the situation. He, as a shadow master, went to the tomb, presumably because he wanted to talk to the shadows there. But he's afraid? Then he sounds surprised that the shadow knows who he is, or is he just asking "How did you know" out of politeness? It would go a long way to have some hints as to the tone or intention with which he's saying these things. If you say He stared firmly at the shadow. "How did you know?" it would show that he's doing it to be cautious or defensive, and maybe he's afraid of them. On the other hand, They recognized him! His heart lifted in triumph. "How did you know?" would indicate that this was what he was hoping would happen because this would lead to them inviting him to claim the crown.
“Does it weigh heavy, my dead king?” Just a cool thing to say! His crown still on his head. I like that this is on its own line, emphasizing the visual of a skeleton still wearing a crown, and it draws attention to the crown since it'll become important later. However, it feels clunky quoting Uxator's inner monologue directly here.
I’m being watched. This also feels clunky being told in Uxator's thoughts. I just feel like, why bother stepping into direct quote just to say he feels like he's being watched? You already tell us he feels uneasy in the previous line. You could say "Even in the torch-lit darkness, he felt uneasy, like he was being watched."
3.5
Prompt Uxator is alone and finds the ghosts, or something, of abandoned slaves.
5
Score
3 2/3 = ~3.67
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 25, 2022 15:39:36 GMT -6
I think I'll start with a line critique, then dive into the comments elaborating on my markups.
Technical: 2.5
SPaG: the only issues I could find were some run-on sentences (comma splices) and missing hyphens.
Dialog: I like the dialog in this opening. It’s fluid and well-phrased. It just needs a few action beats to tie it together and bring color to the scene.
Transitions: The stylistic choice to be so minimalist is daring because the transitions between thoughts/actions/etc. have been sacrificed for brevity, which IMO interrupts the narration’s flow and has me trying to connect the dots without much help. What I find here is a bare-bones early draft that would hugely benefit from some development and filling out.
Hook: That opening paragraph is so important to begin building the hook, if not providing the hook itself. More on that below. That said, I would turn the page find out if Uxator claims the crown and to see if the king wakes up when his kingship is violated. After that? There’s no hint that there’s a larger story beyond this tomb. Once Uxator is king, what then? What does the orc next door need a bunch of spirit tomb builders to do for him? Rather than ask the ghost “why” he asks “how”, which evades the need for a motive. You know how actors ask their director, “What’s my motivation?” The reader needs to have some hint as to his motive for being tempted by this offer. Otherwise, there’s no stakes involved. Tension in a story depends on the stakes. What happens if he does? What happens if he doesn’t?
Artistic: 3
Opening paragraph: Openings are hard to nail. This is probably the excerpt’s weakest point. The paragraph is enclosed in quotation marks, but there’s no indication of who’s speaking. More, I couldn’t tell until I’d read the whole thing that the necromancer wasn’t actually present but only being mentioned for the reader’s benefit.
Characterization: Pieces like this are mainly written for the adventure only, but even then it’s important to learn some things about the character so that the reader cares about them and believes the situation they’re in. Letting the narration answer these questions might help: Why is Uxator in this particular tomb? How does his posture change when he learns the ghosts don’t mean to attack him (he drew Hawk Wing and was en garde, right)? Does he remain wisely cautious, or is he overconfident enough to put the weapon away?
Given my comments above about the narrative hook and Uxator’s driving motivations, IMO I would probably care about Uxator more if he were not yet an accomplished adventurer. If he still had something to prove to himself and his rivals.
Originality: This piece aims to be a DnD adventure. Everything from half-orc to setting to goal comes from a DnD campaign. Which is fine, if one is into that kind of fiction. It’s good for practice writing, mainly because it doesn’t aim to be fresh. Does it cross the line into fanfiction? Probably. Gonna forget I said that though, since fanfiction is against the contest rules.
Prompt: 4.5
Fits the “lone explorer finds an abandoned” aspect exactly. As for the narrative hook part, I mentioned my thoughts above.
Total: 3.33
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Post by Soliton on Jun 25, 2022 22:46:16 GMT -6
Technical Writing Elements:
I totally loved this entry. The dialogue captures me immediately. It is clear and crisp. I could read a book series written like this. Write more! Make it a novel. I will pre-buy one. It had masterful control of dialogue and thoughts. The opening scene and setting is gripping. My imagination ran all around the scene. There is a style and tone that reminds me of the classic stories of adventure, excitement, and fun. I was on the edge of each sentence waiting to see where the story was going. Grammar and spelling all good.
The hook for me was:
Necromancer said
A body was on the throne
spetum held in his boney hand
His crown still on his head. “Does it weigh heavy, my dead king?”
He drew Hawk Wing (a sword)
I’m Uxator, half-orc and master of shadows
It was a masterful setting, pace, mystery, and mood.
SCORE: 5.0
Artistic Writing Elements:
I loved the concept of a half-orc. (Not sure what that is.)
I loved the bargain between the bond spirits of dead slaves and this new better king.
What will this bargain turn out to mean?
The dialogue simple and direct. Who spoke was clear.
It was cleaver and artistic how you did not use “He said”, but we knew who was speaking easily.
The POV was spot on and consistent.
There were no merky psycho confusion going on. All was on the table and clear.
The pace kept me reading automatically. I was not aware I was reading. I was into the story and emersed. I want to write like this some day.
Thank you for giving us this display of how it is done.
I am your fan forever.
SCORE: 5.0
Prompt:
The prompt “a lone explorer finds an abandoned…” was spot on as Uxator alone enters a mausoleum throne room to be confronted by a bonded human spirits.
SCORE: 5.0
TOTAL: (5+5+5)/3= 5
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Bird
Counselor 
Posts: 350
Custom Title: World Creator and Destroyer
Preferred Pronouns: they/them/their
HARD: 1700
MEDIUM: 400
EASY: 110
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Post by Bird on Jun 28, 2022 8:58:24 GMT -6
TITLE: The Tomb of Kadget
GENRE: Fantasy
WORDS: 200
WARNINGS: None“Kadget’s throne room lies beyond those double doors. The Necromancer said beware the slaves who made this place, . Kadget [[Use a period or semicolon here]] condemned them to death when they finished.” {{Who is speaking? This isn't rooted in the scene and seems unmoored from the story itself. Better to incorporate this into the descriptions and thoughts of the main character.}}A body was on the throne, against the far wall, a spetum held in his boney bony hand. Uxator walked to a bout five feet from the throne and stopped. {{Can you describe this body more? What does it wear? Is it rags upon the bones? is there metal armor rusting? Give us a bit more to root us in this scene.}}
His crown still on his head. “Does it weigh heavy, my dead king?” Even in the torch lit darkness, he felt uneasy. I’m being watched.“Who’s there?” He drew Hawk Wing. {{ What is "Hawk Wing?" Can you give us a description of how he drew it? How does he hold himself as he wields it?}} A cool wind brushed his face and brought words to his ears. “Who are you?”The air was becoming bone chillingly cold. {{Try a more precise synonym to avoid use of 'bone' again or drop it.}}“I’m Uxator, half-orc and master of shadows. Who are you?” Movement in the shadows, a vaguely humanoid form was visible at the edge of the torch light. A shadow, a creature of darkness, cold and death. “We are Kadget’s abandoned. Did you free the slaves in Iskaria.” {{There's no need to make each dialogue a separate paragraph. If the movement in the shadows belongs to this speaker, then keep it in the same paragraph to help the reader identify who is speaking this line. You'd only make a separate paragraph for dialogue and action that belongs to a different character or to describe the scene beyond the actions/words of this character. Does that make sense?}}“How did you know?” {{What is his reaction? Show us more here. For instance, if fear is a reaction, then show a tightening of his defensive stance if he is wielding a weapon. Or any perspiration despite the cold.}}“Our life is tied to the shadows,; we hear of many things, shadow master. Free us, and we’ll serve you.” {{Is there any further movement from these shadows? Is there any weird glowing eyes or shimmering outline? How can he actually SEE these shadow's form? One descriptive sentence will do.}}“How do I?” “A king condemned us; a king can free us. Be a better king than dead Kadget. Claim his crown.” Technical: I highlighted most of them in red above. The edits can help polish the piece and make it more readable. Score: 3 Artistic: I really struggled with this beginning because I felt very unmoored. Like a boat adrift on the sea with no working engine and no oars. There's just not much to the setting beyond bare bones (get it? making a reference to the piece). I need more descriptions to really root us in the setting and allow us to experience what the character is experiencing.
The motivation of the character isn't fully realized in this hook either. Is the character there just for the crown? Or is there another purpose? This could be spelled out in a description (like sharing the character's thoughts upon seeing the dead figure on the throne). This will help keep us turning beyond the scene where the main character takes the crown or not.
I added some thoughts on improving the readability of the piece above. I also added thoughts on places that confused me and why I was confused. Hopefully that helps with editing!
Score: 3 Prompt: It's hard to say this fits the prompt, mostly because the character isn't alone in the end -- there is something there with them. But then the piece makes it clear that the others present were "abandoned" by the dead king, so I guess that can fit the prompt?
Score: 3 Final Sum Score: 3
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 29, 2022 14:23:16 GMT -6
Technical:
The fact that this entry is virtually nothing but dialogue, certainly made for an interesting entry. However, I must admit to becoming a little confused as to who was saying what and, in my opinion, there are too many characters (or allusions to characters) introduced at too much of a rapid rate, leading to the reader barely getting a chance to digest the imaginative exchanges, which are indeed masterful. Within the space of a few lines, we have "Kadget," "Necromancer," "Uxator" and a "Hawk King." I understand there was a word limit but I do think this piece would benefit from some early clarification. There are also a few punctuation and grammatical issues that could have been easily remedied with an extra look-through prior to submission. I won't go into those since they seem to have already been covered via previous critiques.
2.50
Artistic:
Dialogue is the star of this show. Not much is revealed related to surroundings, although the images which are provided are well done. There are some hints at a previous history, which is intriguing, but Uxator himself, the half-orc, lacks substance excepting the fact that he calls himself the "master of shadows" and is on a quest. Learned a new word though, "spetum," so thank you for that.
3.50
Prompt:
The throne room appears to be an abandoned location and Uxator comes across as a lone explorer. There are indications of other presences in the area, but no evidence that they are in any way connected to Uxator or his quest.
4.75
TOTAL:
3.58
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Post by Ruhaab on Jul 1, 2022 7:52:41 GMT -6
Technical -
It's all dialogue that can't be stopped. Still it's good.
Score - 3
Artistic
Found confusing and hard. Improve it.
Score - 1
Prompt -
Good
Score - 3
Total - 2.66
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Post by Alatariel on Jul 1, 2022 16:56:24 GMT -6
Technical Aspect:
This is mainly dialogue, which can be a valid choice but for an opening/hook we do need more connective tissue (details) in order to draw us in as readers and make us care enough to continue. I feel like there's a lot of information trying to be conveyed in a very short amount of time, this can be challenging since it gives us more questions that answers. There's a delicate balance needed in an opening, we want to have some questions but we don't want to be overwhelmed by them to the point of frustration/confusion. I'd choose one or two things to focus on, plot wise, and wait to introduce the others later on after those first questions are answered. Here are my questions: - Who is Uxator? Beyond being a half-orc and "master of shadows", we know nothing about his relationship to the setting or the dead king.
- Why is he here? What's his purpose/objective?
- Why is the first line important enough to be the first line? Why warn him about the slaves when they are already dead?
- Have apparitions appeared before and sought out a replacement king?
- What does it mean to be a master of shadows? We are told this is what he is, but not shown what is means.
Too many questions. I'd stick with answering who Uxator is and then give us his objective/purpose. I think if we knew his intention was to contact the spirits using his skills as a shadow master, that would be enough to draw me forward into the story and want to read more. We don't need to see the point of contact, yet, but knowing the intention would peak my curiosity. “Kadget’s throne room lies beyond those double doors. The Necromancer said beware the slaves who made this place, Kadget condemned them to death when they finished.” (why warn him of people who are dead unless spirits/ghosts/apparitions are normal? seems odd. And how can he beware of them? Do they have a separate burial chamber where he shouldn't trespass?)A body was on the throne, against the far wall, a spetum held in his boney hand. Uxator walked to about five feet (paces might be a better term since it's neutral for world-building, I assume this isn't earth and therefore things aren't measured in the imperial standard) from the throne and stopped. His crown still on his head. (I don't think this needs to be in italics)“Does it weigh heavy, my dead king?” Even in the torch lit darkness, he felt uneasy. (how does his unease manifest itself? chills? twisting stomach? a foreboding feeling in the air?)I’m being watched. (this is a great place to show us what being a master of shadows means, does he notice a darkening his vision or a tingle on his neck? what skills does he have to make him know he's being watched?)“Who’s there?” He drew Hawk Wing. (a sword?) A cool wind brushed his face and brought words to his ears. “Who are you?”The air was becoming (passive, to make it more immediate change to "became") bone chillingly cold. “I’m Uxator, half-orc and master of shadows. Who are you?” (what is he feeling? how is his body reacting to this new visitor? Is he accustomed to this kind of thing because he's a master of shadows? Still uncertain as to what that entails.)Movement in the shadows, a vaguely humanoid form was visible (passive, maybe change to "appeared" or "manifested") at the edge of the torch light. A shadow, a creature of darkness, cold and death. (cold has been mentioned previously, I'd personally cut out cold and have it be a creature of "darkness and death" to make a stronger impact. Less descriptive words helps the reader focus more on the tone/intention and keeps the pace flowing.)“We are Kadget’s abandoned. Did you free the slaves in Iskaria. ?” (question mark needed)“How did you know?” “Our life is tied to the shadows, we hear of many things, shadow master. Free us and we’ll serve you.” (highlighting the repetition of the word shadow)“How do I?” “A king condemned us; a king can free us. Be a better king than dead Kadget. Claim his crown.” 3 Artistic Elements:I totally respect this use of mainly dialogue to move a story forward and introduce essential elements of the setting and character to us, but as previously stated I think there's too much information trying to be given at once. Slow down, focus on just the "who and why" before giving us more. Small clues to keep us wanting more will propel the story forward naturally. This feels like a snippet from a middle chapter rather than a beginning. Give us the beginning. I'd also focus on editing for passive voice, making the action more immediate, and inserting some emotional reactions to give us a sense of who Uxator is and how he handles strange situations. 3 Prompt: Who said the first line? Is Uxator alone or is there someone with him, like a caretaker of the abandoned throne? Eh. Questions. But the prompt is abandoned and we have that shown in two ways: the dead slaves spirits and the throne. Both are abandoned. I think Uxator is a lone explorer, even if there is someone else there physically he is a lone explorer because the other person seems uninterested in changing the status quo. 5 TOTAL: 3.6
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 3, 2022 10:34:38 GMT -6
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions about my entry.
Yes, a lot of dialogue little narration. Why? Feedback on my writing is that my dialogue is very good, narration is not so good, and probably never will be, so write to a strength.
Did I include too much, yes and that’s having too much of the movie in my mind.
Another thing this is an opening for a story that was a follow up to a previous one. I couldn’t find it posted so, you’ll all meet Uxator and the city of Iskaria when I post that opening and, unfortunately. I never knew about this game Iskaria, as that’s where I set my fantasy stories. It does pre-date the game.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 3, 2022 14:05:21 GMT -6
Yes, a lot of dialogue little narration. Why? Feedback on my writing is that my dialogue is very good, narration is not so good, and probably never will be, so write to a strength. You do seem to like to quote the character's thoughts instead of using narration. For narration that does what internal monologue does, you might look into the concept of free indirect discourse. Anyway, thought it was a fun read, like I said. |
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 3, 2022 16:57:57 GMT -6
Thanks Scyntilla, I’ll look it up and check it out.
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 4, 2022 12:55:10 GMT -6
Scintilla,
My first take on that article is, very helpful but a question.
Based on that article, 1st person narration is always a character in the book and 3rd person is an outsider describing what’s going on?
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 4, 2022 13:27:19 GMT -6
Scintilla, My first take on that article is, very helpful but a question. Based on that article, 1st person narration is always a character in the book and 3rd person is an outsider describing what’s going on? No, not at all. Plenty of stories always use 3rd person for all the characters. One of them can still be the 'point-of-view character.' Even if they are not called 'I,' the narration you use will still be things they know and think. |
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jul 6, 2022 11:29:39 GMT -6
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions about my entry. Yes, a lot of dialogue little narration. Why? Feedback on my writing is that my dialogue is very good, narration is not so good, and probably never will be, so write to a strength. Did I include too much, yes and that’s having too much of the movie in my mind. Another thing this is an opening for a story that was a follow up to a previous one. I couldn’t find it posted so, you’ll all meet Uxator and the city of Iskaria when I post that opening and, unfortunately. I never knew about this game Iskaria, as that’s where I set my fantasy stories. It does pre-date the game. Iskaria. Eesh, that's unfortunate. A unique name. Sucks it's been published by someone else first. As the game company likely has the copyright, if you mean to seek publication on any of these, you'd probably have to name it something else. |
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