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Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 18, 2022 11:48:30 GMT -6
Title: Blue Access Point
Genre: Fantasy or horror
Trigger Warnings: None A chill land breeze stirred against Warren’s neck. He watched the dim waves where the hideous landscape had flickered. Which was worse, actually: that the place should be real, or that it should be some illusion cast specifically for him? The artist who had visited this lonely beach before him fell short of telling which was so. Only the base colors of their abandoned painting, set on an easel facing the coast, were blocked in so far. The ground in the picture bore outlines of rough shadows that suggested land, not sea. At least Warren was not insane for having seen that vision on the water. But the sky as of yet was painted a solid lilac, and the land lacked the frightful formations that had manifested for him. Were they next to be detailed? Or had that particular terrifying apparition been for Warren alone: a waking nightmare, a portent, or the state of his soul?
The noise of the ocean was relentless.
The canvas was smeared by rain; the artist probably wouldn’t be returning to answer the question. Warren determined to find them and ask what they saw. The cursory glow of morning behind him, he took off towards town.
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rim07
Smoke
Posts: 39
HARD: 400
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Post by rim07 on Jun 19, 2022 9:21:16 GMT -6
Technical: These are what I think might be mistakes:-
'A chill land breeze'- chilled
'Which was worse, actually'- actually worse
Score:3
Artistic: Sometimes I've had instances where some places can only be described as something out of a dream. I do like this concept and am intrigued to look forward to what happens next. It could only be me, but this segment seems almost complete.
Score:3.24
Prompt: I don't think it gives me the sense of abandonment so far.
Score:2.96
avg=3.06667
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 24, 2022 13:35:47 GMT -6
Technical: 3.5
I’ve provided a line critique below to demonstrate my points. On the SPaG side, everything looks amazing. I do think the opening needs a bit of reorganizing to avoid some circling/redundancy. Also, I provided a couple of options to rearrange two instances of passive voice and make them more active.
I love this opening as a hook! I’d read on to find out if this land is really there, or if there’s something supernatural going on and what happens to Warren because of it. A really fun mystery I’d turn the page for.
Artistic: 4.5
Also in the line critique you see that I highlighted some words that I feel could be stronger and paint a more vivid, concise picture (see what I did there?). Other than this, I love the setting and the concept. I can feel the dampness of the air, the wind whipping around, see Warren’s confusion. I would hope in the following paragraphs to get to know Warren and why he suspects the ugly vision may be depicting “the state of his soul.”
In addition, the title has me totally intrigued. What the heck is this access point, and why is it blue?
Prompt: 5
A lone explorer find an abandoned painting depicting a strange landscape that may or may not be there! An intriguing narrative hook, indeed.
Total: 4.33
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Post by Soliton on Jun 25, 2022 22:41:42 GMT -6
Technical Writing Elements:
Setting and surrounding well described in interesting detail.
As a thought of the POV, this sentence should be italiced.
Which was worse, actually: that the place should be real, or that it should be some illusion cast specifically for him?
As internal self-dialogue of the POV, the second paragraph should be italiced.
Spelling and grammar are correct.
The hook was the mysterious wording of “hideous landscape had flickered.” Also, part of the hook was the allusion of reality not being real or made to order in the second sentence. There is some confusion of the POV whether it is.
SCORE: 4.4
Artistic Writing Elements:
To have a painting change reality is an intriguing concept. This reminds me of “The Picture of Dorian Gray” where a painting affects reality. I would be curious to read further to see if there was a curse of or a bargain involved eventually. The cliffhanger in the end was the urgent need of the POV to find the artist or artists.
Here is a fun fact. “Dorian Gray” was the only novel by Oscar Wilde and was panned when it cam out.
SCORE: 4.2
Prompt:
The prompt “a lone explorer finds an abandoned…” was alluded as the POV as alone (at a beach resort) and discovered a possibility that scenery and a painting to be his dream.
SCORE: 4.3
TOTAL: (4.4+4.2+4.3)/3 = 4.3
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 27, 2022 19:05:38 GMT -6
A chill cold land breeze stirred against Warren’s neck. He watched the dim waves where the hideous landscape had flickered. Which was worse, actually: that the place should be real, or that it should be some illusion cast specifically for him?
The artist who had visited this lonely beach before him, fell short of telling which was so. Only the base colors of their abandoned painting, set on an easel facing the coast, were blocked in so far. The ground in the picture bore outlines of rough shadows that suggested land, not sea. At least Warren was not insane for having seen that vision on the water. But the sky as of yet was painted a solid lilac, and the land lacked the frightful formations that had manifested for him. Were they next to be detailed? Or had that particular terrifying apparition been for Warren alone: a waking nightmare, a portent, or the state of his soul?
The noise of the ocean was relentless.
The canvas was smeared by rain; the artist probably wouldn’t be returning to answer the question. Warren was determined to find them and ask what they saw. The cursory glow of morning behind him, he took off towards town.
Technical Aspect: Nothing jaring that I saw.
Score: 4
Artistic Aspect: I enjoyed Warren's confusion and thoughts. The descriptions were good and I'd continue reading.
Score: 4.5
Prompt Use: The painting was abandoned or was the artist killed/died? IMHO, a painter wouldn't leave a painting unfinished, they'd take it with them.
Score: 4
Final score: 4 + 4.5 + 4=12.5/3=4.17
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 28, 2022 15:30:58 GMT -6
Technical:
No standout spelling or grammatical issues that came to my notice. I'd switch the order of "worse, actually" to "actually worse." I think it flows better. Otherwise, an interesting opening which encourages further reading.
4.00
Artistic:
Nicely engimatic as to whether the location is real or an illusion. The introduction of a painting abandoned in the middle of a lonely beach also adds to the mystery. Lovely descriptive passages. I especially liked "vision on the water." Some interesting questions raised in this section of the tale and they are certainly ones I'd be anxious to investigate further. I also liked the image of a canvas smeared by rain, making it almost a watercolor lacking in vivid colors, unlike the vibrancy of Warren's perception. The mention of the artist had me wondering if Warren might possibly suspect the identity of this person since, at the end, he seems to think the artist could likely be found in the town.
4.50
Prompt:
The location certainly references abandonment, as does the work left behind by the artist, but I'm not so sure that Warren himself has been abandoned since he's aware of the existence of a nearby community, which also leaves in doubt the fact that he is a "lone explorer." However, in terms of the hook aspect, this surely fits the bill.
3.25
TOTAL:
3.91
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labrat
Spark
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Post by labrat on Jun 30, 2022 18:10:06 GMT -6
Technical: No obvious SPaG errors except for ones mentioned by critiques before me. I would have eliminated "actually" from the first line. Good hook, pulled me in right away and kept me reading.
Score: 4
Artistic: You described the landscape and the painting very well. I do canvas painting myself and could vividly imagine the painting that you wrote about. I don't know if this was intentional, but I liked how the muddled nature of the painting served as a metaphor for the state of Warren's mind. Almost like he was projecting his fears and experiences onto that incomplete painting. Although I am confused as to why he thought the artist would still be around, when the landscape in the painting seemed so different from what he saw currently. Makes me believe that quite a bit of time has passed and that the artist is either long gone or dead.
Score: 4.75
Prompt: An abandoned painting and perhaps an abandoned beach. Good use of the prompt.
Score: 4.75
Total score: 4.5
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 30, 2022 19:21:00 GMT -6
Technical Aspect:
Though grammar and spelling are on point, I want to focus more on sentence structure and pacing because I think there are some things that could be worked on to make this a stronger hook and clearer situation/setting.
There seems to be a lot of internal questions from the narrator and not much to tell us about the setting or actions being taken. I gather he is on a beach, but beyond that I am uncertain about anything else. The cerebral nature of the piece takes over and I think that would serve better after a few paragraphs to help set the scene better. My suggestions are below:
I suppose many of these are nit-picky but the flow, tone, and intention of the story are impacted greatly by such small details. There isn't much urgency but I feel like there should be given some of the word choices, like "hideous" and "fightful" yet Warren seems calm and collected enough to stand and ponder.
There is a sense of foreboding and I'd love to see that ramped up higher for greater impact. I'd also like some more emotional clues as to what Warren is feeling about each revelation/question and why this matters to him. Right now I only sense mild curiosity.
3.5
Artistic Elements:
I suppose what I've already said does apply here as well. The tone and setting could be clearer and stronger. I want to know what's going on and why Warren is on this beach. What is he seeing? What's with the painting? If there is a town nearby, has anyone else experienced these visions? I'm curious but also a little confused as to what I'm supposed to be feeling. I'm not sure I'd continue unless there was more clarification and amped up tension.
3.5
Prompt:
An abandoned painting...is Warren an explorer or merely a passerby? I'm not sure. There is some aspect of the prompt here, but it could be made clearer.
3.5
TOTAL:
3.5
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Post by Ruhaab on Jul 1, 2022 7:50:18 GMT -6
Technical -
It's okay and fantastic.
Score - 3
Artistic-
The canvas was smeared by rain; the artist probably wouldn’t be returning to answer the question. Warren determined to find them and ask what they saw. The cursory glow of morning behind him, he took off towards town.
This line is amazing.
Score - 4
Prompt
Good usage
Score - 4
total - 3.66
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Bird
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Post by Bird on Jul 1, 2022 21:03:16 GMT -6
Title: Blue Access Point
Genre: Fantasy or horror
Trigger Warnings: None A chill land breeze stirred against Warren’s neck. He watched the dim waves where the hideous landscape had flickered. Which was worse, actually: that the place should be real, or that it should be some illusion cast specifically for him? [[But why not start with the hideous landscape, and then shift to him standing here wondering if it was an illusion or not? I sort of wished we got to experience it with him. What a way to begin.]]
The artist, who had visited this lonely beach before him, fell short of telling which was so. [[commas needed, shown in pink]] Only the base colors of their abandoned painting, set on an easel facing the coast, were blocked in so far. [[Can you rearrange this sentence to be less confusing? Maybe try: "Their abandoned painting was set on an easel facing the coast, only the base colors blocked in so far." Or rather I'm sure you can think of a better way. It's just convoluted as it stands now.]] The ground in the picture bore outlines of rough shadows that suggested land, not sea. [[No comma needed]] At least Warren was not insane for having seen that vision on the water. But the sky as of yet was painted a solid lilac, and the land lacked the frightful formations that had manifested for him. Were they next to be detailed? Or had that particular terrifying apparition been for Warren alone: a waking nightmare, a portent, or the state of his soul?
The noise of the ocean was relentless.
The canvas was smeared by rain; the artist probably wouldn’t be returning to answer the question. Warren determined to find them and ask what they saw. The cursory glow of morning behind him, he took off towards town.
Technical:
I found a few places that needed commas, deleting extra words, or some refinement of sentences. See above.
Score: 4
Artistic:
Please continue. I love the descriptions and vivid imagery invoked in this piece. The emotions of Warren pulse with an intensity that underlies the quiet, not-quite-calmness of the scene itself. I really wanted a more thorough description of the hideous landscape as I wanted to know what was meant by that. But I guess that can also be an intentional way to withhold information and reveal it slowly to the reader. Another thing I wanted more of was the word "noise of the ocean." That is vague, and I wanted just a little bit more visceral sound sensation.
The mystery is intense, the landscape haunted, and a sense of uneasiness washes over like the waves on this beach. Nicely done.
Score: 5
Prompt:
I guess the painting is abandoned. That does fit in a technical sense this prompt. Warren is alone, but he doesn't seem abandoned or in an abandoned place as he's by the town. So the painting is all that fits the prompt that I can see.
Score: 4
Final Score: 4.3333333333333333333333
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