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Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 18, 2022 11:47:27 GMT -6
Title: When the monsters come
Genre: Psychological
Trigger warnings: None
When I opened my eyes today, I saw tall and grey wooded trees through the fenced window. Except for the bed, the room seemed familiar. I remember wanting to come here, but why?
Where were my kids? My husband? Did I even have one?
I checked my purse. A box of vermillion powder was tucked amongst my lipstick, toothbrush and other things. There was also an envelope which contained a picture of two smiling kids clasping the knees of a woman. She did look like me. And I’d seen those kids a long time ago. I wondered where they were.
“Ma! Are you asleep?” That voice…I had heard that a thousand times.
A chubby girl entered the room with a big plastic bag. She placed a small earthen container containing sour curd. I loved curd!
While I ate that, she asked, “Have you had lunch?”
Was it afternoon already? I couldn’t tell.
The platter of uneaten food, which was attacked by red ants, might’ve answered her.
She asked again, “And your medicine?”
That question. I detested it. It was of the monster. It had managed to find me here.
I threw the earthen container at her. “Get out!”
But she remained there.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 21, 2022 10:52:57 GMT -6
Technical: 3.5
Hook: I would so turn the page. There’s a delectable mystery going on, one told in a way that I haven’t encountered before. Keep going, please.
Polish: As for SPaG, all is well. But the excerpt does need some polishing, IMO, as demonstrated here:
Artistic: 4.7
Imagery: there are some real jewels here: a “fenced window” and red ants on a platter of food and box of vermillion powder in a crowded purse, a late meal of sour curd. Love it.
Character: I have no idea what’s going on with this woman, but I want to find out. She clearly has a turbulent backstory and a major problem to solve (if it can be solved), both of which cause me to care about what happens to her and what she does about it, or what the girl does about it. I’m picking up trauma and mental illness both.
Setting: While I’m not sure where the story is taking place yet, the content offers small clues, like the gray trees and the curd. Even the existence of a purse and what’s in it gives hints to a modern timeline versus a story set centuries ago or in a secondary world.
Tension: I love the tension established in this opening. The tension within the woman herself, between her and the girl, between the woman and this mysterious monster. There’s nothing relaxed or easy-going about this excerpt.
Prompt: 3
A woman’s memory and/or sanity has abandoned her. She in turn seems to have abandoned her family, at least emotionally and mentally. I’m not picking up anything to do with a lone explorer finding anything, however. Still, as far as hooks go, I’d keep reading.
Total: 3.73
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Jun 21, 2022 11:58:28 GMT -6
Title: When the monsters comeGenre: PsychologicalTrigger warnings: NoneWhen I opened my eyes today, I saw tall and grey wooded trees through the fenced window (you mean the window with a fence outside of it. It makes this image into a literal fenced off window to me). Except for the bed, the room seemed familiar. I remember wanting to come here, but why? Where were my kids? My husband? Did I even have one? I checked my purse. A box of vermillion powder was tucked amongst my lipstick, toothbrush and other things. There was also an envelope which contained a picture of two smiling kids clasping the knees of a woman. She did look like me. And I’d seen those kids a long time ago. I wondered where they were. “Ma! Are you asleep?” That voice…I had heard that a thousand times. A chubby girl entered the room with a big plastic bag. She placed (in it) a small earthen container containing sour curd (She wouldn't know its curd unless its a habit of hers. Have her look into it first, then say its sour curd.). I loved curd! While I ate that (spooned it, or something), she asked, “Have you had lunch?” Was it afternoon already? I couldn’t tell. (Vague response. Say something like the light outside confused her awareness, or the clock on the wall was not ticking.)The platter of uneaten food (what food?), which was attacked by red ants, might’ve answered her. She asked again (add tone of voice. Give this auditory tension. Making the reader wonder if its a dream or real life), “And your medicine?” That question. I detested it. It was of the monster. It had managed to find me here. I threw the earthen container at her. “Get out!” But she remained there. 3.5 Hardly any SPaG fixes to me. Sentence length is good. Pacing is solid. It can use details in places to create more curiosity from the reader. And tension... can't forget that in this genre. I'd keep reading. Artistic: 4 Imagery evokes a rough living situation. Although, if it is a dream, your atmosphere has this depressing mood, but its good. I can't say too much on that because psychological horror is not a genre I spend time in much. Prompt: Where do I find the prompt? I thought it was on an official contest page. Didn't see one right before I clicked on yours, Caulder. So I will meet in the middle with a 3. Raveneye obviously knows it. Total: 3.5 |
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Post by Soliton on Jun 25, 2022 22:31:49 GMT -6
Technical Writing Elements:
The flow and pace were linear and easy to follow. Grammar and spelling were correct.
The setting was unclear by design and the POV identity was unclear for mystery.
Most all the text appear as thoughts of the POV.
SCORE: 3.8
Artistic Writing Elements:
The POV is starts confused as to their own identity causing intrigue and mystery. These are great hooks. In the last, I felt the POV fear of the medicines which may be causing monsters of visions or dreams. Where these monsters real ore illusions as a cliffhanger? I would read on to explore these monsters.
Mysterious and ominous established well with:
the fenced window
wanting to come here, but why
I had heard that a thousand times
attacked by red ants
the monster. It had managed to find me here
SCORE: 4.5
Prompt:
The prompt “a lone explorer finds an abandoned…” not evident. Maybe an obscure abandonment maybe implied by the of POV loss of lucidity and mental orientation.
SCORE: 3.0
TOTAL: (3.8+4.5+3.0)/3 = 3.8
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 26, 2022 20:41:11 GMT -6
When I opened my eyes today, I saw tall and grey wooded trees through the fenced window. Except for the bed, the room seemed familiar. I remember wanting to come here, but why?
Where were my kids? My husband? Did I even have one?
I checked my purse. A box of vermillion powder was tucked amongst my lipstick, toothbrush and other things. There was also an envelope which contained a picture of two smiling kids clasping the knees of a woman,She didwho looked like me. And I’d seen those kids a long time ago. I wondered where they were.
“Ma! Are you asleep?” That voice…I had heard that a thousand times.
A chubby girl entered the room with a big plastic bag. She placed a small earthen container containing sour curd. I loved curd!
While I ate that, she asked, “Have you had lunch?”
Was it afternoon already? I couldn’t tell.
The platter of uneaten food, which was attacked by red ants, might’ve answered her.
She asked again, “And your medicine?”
That question. I detested it. It was of the monster. It had managed to find me here.
I threw the earthen container at her. “Get out!”
But she remained there.
Technical Aspect: On a personal note, her thoughts would be better in italics. I like the set up created here. Nothing srang out at me for S,P, and G.
Score: 4.5
Artistic Aspect: This is very good, unexpected even. Is it an alzheimers situation, or similar. Don't know but doesn't matter, very good writing to being the reader in. Red ant sare a nice touch.
Score: 5
Prompt Use: Yes, I'd say that she's been abandoned.
Score: 5
Final score: 4.5 + 5 + 5=14.5/3=4.83
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 27, 2022 15:23:08 GMT -6
Technical:
I noticed no glaring grammatical or spelling issues. I'd change the "kids" and "husband" references to "family" (or some similar definition) instead of "one" at the end of the second sentence. As it's written, it seems to indicate that the woman knows she has children but is unsure whether she has a husband....unless, of course, that inference was intentional and she is confident about the kids but in doubt about a husband. I think the question posed by the chubby girl about lunch is in possible conflict with the fact that the woman is already eating the curd that the girl had just delivered. Otherwise, I found this to flow well, at a good pace, and certainly inspires a desire to know more.
3.60
Artistic:
Some intriguing images here. Red seems to play something of a minor role, as in the vermillion powder and red ants. Even an "earthern container" hints at a shade of red. I find the entire food references to be a bit confusing. There's the "lunch" and "curd" details (mentioned above) and also a "platter of uneaten food." Was that always there? Did the girl or somebody else bring it...earlier perhaps? Does it reference left-over curd? Or is this the previously referenced "lunch" again? The girl's presence, although somewhat brief within the context of the story, intrigues me as much as anything. Her questions are searching and I wonder what she has in that big plastic bag. The "monster" accusation took me by surprise...pleasantly, I might add. It provided a whole other layer to the scenario.
4.33
Prompt:
It's obvious that the woman feels abandoned and that her ability to fully recall her present situation and circumstances leading up to it has also left her high and dry. The "lone explorer" aspect seems to be missing, which is the only reason why I'm not awarding full marks. Regardless, in terms of a hook alone, this is fascinating and whets the appetite for more.
4.00
TOTAL:
3.97
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 27, 2022 21:11:48 GMT -6
Technical Aspect:
Each line added more and more questions to my mind, and it was a bit confusing to follow. There are some odd word choices and the sentence structure in many places seems to be slightly off. I think a lot of editing, trimming, and honing could be done. Choosing better words to describe the setting and character's state of mind would be helpful. Since this is about the hook, we have to look at the first sentence:
Since the first section raises a lot of questions, I find myself pushed to read more, hoping to find clarification. However...it kind of got more confusing as I continued. It made me a little frustrated. Though the character is obviously confused, there is a way to write that while also giving the reader clear information.
Where is the purse? I'm not well oriented in the space, yet. How does she know it's her purse? Does she recognize it? I'm also not sure why a toothbrush is mentioned. Lipstick is a normal thing to have in a purse, but not a toothbrush so it feels out of place. I might've chosen another mundane item to list like nail clippers or pocket mirror. That way the vermillion powder is highlighted as the odd thing. Instead I'm sitting here focusing on the powder AND the toothbrush because why is that in her purse, too? Could be a ME problem, but it felt out of place.
Small wording issues.
Where did she place the curd? Once again, I need to be oriented in the space. The last part "I love curd!" feels childish, which might've been your intention. If not, I suggest removing the exclamation mark and toning it down.
The rest of the entry is a bit confusing.
Lots of things to clarify, here. It jumps around a lot and I'd love a tiny bit more connective tissue to get us from point A to point B. Even if the narrator is unreliable or mentally ill, we can still have some sense of the setting and some sense of the circumstances.
3
Artistic Elements:
Let's address the hook first. Would I keep reading? Once the technical aspect is addressed, I would probably keep going. At least to hopefully gain more clarification on what's going on. However, I don't know the character much yet to care about what's gonna happen next. It seems she is a mother. And she possibly has some kind of mental illness or memory disease. So what's the driving force? Why do we want to know more? The brief mention of a monster intrigues me, but that could just be a reference to her illness. So I would keep reading to see what was meant by that and hope dearly there'd be something soon to pull me more into the story.
3.5
Prompt:
Abandoned. How memories have abandoned her. The worst and most helpless feeling in the world. I feel it in this piece, even if I am being picky about how that's being shown in the text.
5
TOTAL:
3.8
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 29, 2022 19:48:59 GMT -6
Technical I'm impressed how you communicate that the character has some sort of delusions or dementia and that she doesn't remember her family, all in first person. So we're being told what happened through the point of view of a character who doesn't remember or understand what happened. That must be hard to pull off, but it's easy to get.
You manage to tell us that she's living with her children by the fact that they're familiar to her and they call her "Ma." With her comments on medication and the fact she thinks it's evil, you manage to tell us that she has some kind of psychological problem warping her memories and she's currently off her meds. Even the strangeness of her bed being familiar but the rest of the room being strange conveys what a vexing situation this must be. So clever. And it's not at all hard to understand.
Actually I don't know what the vermillion powder is supposed to be. Am I supposed to have some idea?
grey wooded grey-wooded
She placed a small earthen container Placed it where? It's not grammatically incorrect, I think, but still sounds like something's missing.
4.5
Artistic A sad story. This catches me emotionally with how her daughter is caring so well for her mother, who doesn't recognize or trust her.
Of all the entries in this contest, this is the one I want to keep reading the most. It's so interesting seeing things through her perspectives: the ants on the dish, the monster of healthcare, piecing together whether her family is her family. This excerpt sets up both her fear and confusion about her unrecognized surroundings and a conflict with her daughter who cares about her.
The voice is strong. I like the raw internal monologue way the story is told. She did look like me. And I’d seen those kids a long time ago. I wondered where they were.
Well-chosen phrasing. The "did look" shows that she sort of gets that it's significant that the picture looks like her, without quite understanding that it's her. Little details in the prose like that give really interesting insight into how she thinks.
She placed a small earthen container containing sour curd. I loved curd! I like how despite the situation she's not past exclaiming that she loves curd. Even that kind of shows how confused she must be, that the absurdity of the situation and the fact she can't remember who this familiar-voiced girl is don't stop her from getting excited over food.
While I ate that, she asked The "while I ate that" quickens the pace of the story here. I guess it's the 'while,' which collapses the time she spends eating until the moment that her daughter speaks. Whereas, say, if you say I took a bite. She asked… then it slows the scene back down, makes it all happen in the moment instead of skipping over the whole beginning of the meal. I think this slower, more moment-for-moment pace is what you want here.
Please continue this story!
4.5
Prompt She discovers her own family, whom she herself 'abandoned' in that her old self isn't there anymore, and she doesn't remember them. And she is alone in her condition. It technically fits, but it's a stretch.
3.5
Score 12.5/3 = 4 1/6 = ~4.1678
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labrat
Spark
Posts: 55
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 450
EASY: 20
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Post by labrat on Jun 30, 2022 15:29:51 GMT -6
Technical: SPag looks good, and the issues I noticed have already been brought up in previous critiques so I won't rehash them. There was a bit of telling in the first sentence, which could easily be fixed by saying "tall and grey trees loomed outside the fenced window". Everything else looks solid and this reads well, making me want to continue.
Score: 4.5
Artistic: Great job portraying her emotions. The "I love curd!" line was a little jarring, probably because of the exclamation point. As someone else pointed out, it could easily be replaced with a different thought, like "how did she know I loved curd so much?" Wonderful imagery and great job with the suspenseful tone, especially towards the end.
Score: 4.5
Prompt: She's not abandoned because her daughter is there, so not sure how well this fits the prompt, unless she was abandoned by her husband.
Score: 3
Total score: 4
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Post by Ruhaab on Jul 1, 2022 7:36:57 GMT -6
Technical -
Most of them are perfectly structured. Sometimes, it's better to use some complex sentences.
Score - 3
Artistic -
Evocative and well chosen words. I admire your imagination and wisdom of choosing some words. wooded trees through the fenced window. it's amazing.
Score - 4.5
Prompt -
I couldn't find much it. You can usage it more.
Score - 1.5
Total -3
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Bird
Counselor 
Posts: 350
Custom Title: World Creator and Destroyer
Preferred Pronouns: they/them/their
HARD: 1700
MEDIUM: 400
EASY: 110
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Post by Bird on Jul 1, 2022 18:52:22 GMT -6
Title: When the monsters comeGenre: PsychologicalTrigger warnings: NoneWhen I opened my eyes today, I saw tall and grey wooded trees through the fenced window. Except for the bed, the room seemed familiar. I remember wanting to come here, but why? Where were my kids? My husband? Did I even have one? [[Why these thoughts of all thoughts?]]I checked my purse. A box of vermillion powder was tucked amongst my lipstick, toothbrush and other things. There was also an envelope which contained a picture of two smiling kids clasping the knees of a woman. She did look like me. And I’d seen those kids a long time ago. I wondered where they were. [[Wait, didn't she just wake up? But yet now she is checking her purse? Did she sleep with it? I'm a bit unmoored in this scene.]]“Ma! Are you asleep?” That voice…I had heard that a thousand times. A chubby girl entered the room with a big plastic bag. She placed a small earthen container containing sour curd. [[The verb "placed" requires an object on which the person "placed" the sour curd. There was no object, so what did she place it on?]] I loved curd! While I ate that, she asked, “Have you had lunch?” [[Suggestion: delete "that" as it's unnecessary words. Wait, why ask this if the narrator is eating the curd? Or is that just a snack?]]Was it afternoon already? I couldn’t tell. [[what is the sunlight in the room? Is it all muted by the fenced window? Is that why the narrator can't tell?]]The platter of uneaten food, which was attacked by red ants, might’ve answered her. [[This actually may fit well with the paragraph prior to it. They flow into each other and are about the same question. Though I wish there was a description of the food. Let us dwell a little deeper in this scene. ]]She asked again, “And your medicine?” [[ Suggestion: delete "again" as this is a different question. You'd only use it if it was the same question.]]That question. I detested it. It was of the monster. [[Wait, is this odd grammatical construction on purpose? If not, then it would be more technically correct to write: "It was the monster" or just combine this one with the next: "The monster had managed to find me here."]] It had managed to find me here. I threw the earthen container at her. “Get out!” But she remained there. Technical:
I found a few things that could help tighten the prose as shown above.
Score: 4.25
Artistic:
The erratic thought process, amnesia, and odd behaviors really shine in the style of writing here. There's a few spots that could let us dwell deeper into the psychosis of this narrator -- I shared a few possibilities above.
So there's two possible ways you can take this. Either keep it in this somewhat detached and erratic writing style, which can still work for the rest of story if you keep it consistent. Or you can let us dwell deeper, and show us a bit more of the scene rather than tell. Could keep the same erratic thought process by how the descriptions are built. For example, the uneaten food -- narrator is distracted by being unsure of time of day. Does the sunlight (or lack thereof) through the fenced window play into that? Does that lack (or present) of sunlight draw the narrator's focus to the uneaten food? Would the narrator get distracted by the red ants? Can still keep the attitude by writing (after the brief description of what the narrator saw/sensed): "Those red ants might've told her that."
I point that out to help with tidying this up and giving it a bit more weight. Overall, this is a great start.
Score: 4.25
Prompt:
I'm not sure I follow how this fits "abandoned." The narrator's memories trickle back with visual or verbal cues in the scene, so the lack of memories (as in memories abandoned the narrator) doesn't seem to fit. The narrator isn't abandoned as this person brought food and asked questions.
Score: 2
Final Score: 3.5
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