Bird
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Post by Bird on Oct 1, 2020 21:18:16 GMT -6
193 words Science Fiction short story (start of the story)
Recipe for Hope
I woke on the seventh day after the coup to a stench of rot and bright LED light. I always woke to this, no matter how many iterations. A deep weariness soaked my soul as the pain from my mangled leg percolated through my body. "Onyo Tani?" the voice wasn't Kamadan Krez this time. A timid timbre mixed in the speaker's tenor range. "Are you okay?" I opened my eyes to an ash-colored sky and the face of one of the technicians in our unit. Skin darker than my own, they had a scrunched-up nose, scar on the left cheekbone, and frail as a post; they squatted next to me, one hand on my neck where my pulse was. When I met their eyes, they jerked their hand away. "Obviously not," I said, my voice hoarse and scratchy from the ash. I must have spoke too sharply as they winced and clenched their hands. "Technician, keep alert, I lost my leg. Do you have a med kit?" I softened my voice. Walk them through despite the pain. In iteration three, I found the willpower to question the Kamadan concerning the endless iterations.
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Aubrey
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i like to write broken things
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Post by Aubrey on Oct 1, 2020 21:43:54 GMT -6
"I work on the seventh day after the coup to a stench of rot and bright LED light." I think there was a hiccup in your spellcheck.  Also, changing "after the" to "of the coup" sets a stronger scene. The resolve of a coup de tat often means the violence surrounding it is at a close or starting to settle. "iterations" doesn't feel like the right word, as at first I read it and thought "there are a lot of coups?". Perhaps rephrase the sentence to have it mean what you want it to mean. Also using it multiple times in a short space devalue's what it means, along with making it difficult to understand what it references to. Don't be afraid to break up your sentences into proper full period sentences, instead of a string of ,'s and a ;. <3 Other than that, once there is some clarity in what I'm reading you have an interesting start! |
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Bird
Counselor
Posts: 350
Custom Title: World Creator and Destroyer
Preferred Pronouns: they/them/their
HARD: 1700
MEDIUM: 400
EASY: 110
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Post by Bird on Oct 1, 2020 22:18:24 GMT -6
Oh, good call! That's gonna annoy me, I'm editing that in the main post to "woke."
If this was more than 200 words, you would have had a reference to the time loop itself, but the character is a scientist and I needed a technical word for each loop, hence the math term. Not sure what else would work as "time-loop" isn't technical enough.
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Aubrey
Counselor
i like to write broken things
Posts: 159
Custom Title: Lady Kraken
Preferred Pronouns: she/her
HARD: 10
EASY: 20
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Post by Aubrey on Oct 1, 2020 22:23:45 GMT -6
That makes a lot more sense. Perhaps instead of using "iterations", why not have her name it in some way?
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Post by pelwrath on Oct 1, 2020 23:27:53 GMT -6
I woke on the seventh day after the coup to a the stench of rot and bright LED lights. I always woke to this, no matter how many iterations. A deep weariness soaked my soul as the pain from my mangled leg percolated through my body.
"Onyo Tani?" the voice wasn't Kamadan Krez this time. A timid timbre mixed in the speaker's tenor range. "Are you okay?"
I opened my eyes to an ash-colored sky and the face of one of the technicians in our unit. Skin darker than my own, they had a scrunched-up nose, scar on the left cheekbone, and frail as a post; they squatted next to me, one hand on my neck where my pulse was. When I met their eyes, they jerked their hand away. "Obviously not," I said, my voice hoarse and scratchy from the ash. I must have spoke too sharply as they winced and clenched their hands. "Technician, keep alert, I lost my leg. Do you have a med kit?" I softened my voice. Walk them through despite the pain.
In iteration three, I found the willpower to question the Kamadan concerning the endless iterations.
Nice opening Bird, that opening paragraph rally brings you in.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Oct 3, 2020 12:49:31 GMT -6
Recipe for Hope
I woke on the seventh day after the coup to a stench of rot and bright LED light (Reads as if LED light has a stench. Reorganize? Also, seems out of sync since the character hasn't yet opened their eyes, which occurs below). I always woke to this, no matter how many iterations. A deep weariness soaked my soul as the pain from my mangled leg percolated (lovely verb) through my body. "Onyo Tani?" the The voice wasn't Kamadan Krez this time. A timid timbre mixed in the speaker's tenor range. "Are you okay?" I opened my eyes to an ash-colored sky and the face of one of the technicians in our unit. Skin darker than my own, they had a scrunched-up nose, (a) scar on the left cheekbone, and (was) frail as a post; they squatted next to me, one hand on my neck where my pulse was. When I met their eyes, they jerked their hand away. "Obviously not," I said, my voice hoarse and scratchy from the ash. I must have spoke spoken too sharply as they winced and clenched their hands. "Technician, keep alert, I lost my leg ( <-- I'm not sure this obvious fact would need to be stated; rather the tech might glance at the mangled leg and that one glance be enough to ascertain the leg is a lost cause; if they're not a medical tech, they might even look sick. If the fact isn't obvious and needs to be stated, why is it not obvious?). Do you have a med kit?" I softened my voice. Walk them through despite the pain. In iteration three, I found the willpower to question the Kamadan concerning the endless iterations (hmm, I'm guessing this is an important aspect of this story/experience, but I'm not able to decipher what an iteration is, which I fear is stealing some of the significance of what's going on at this point).
I like the way we're dropped right into the middle of a tense, gripping situation. Knowing how wonderfully bizarre your fiction can be, I'm dying to know where this goes. Even if I hadn't read your work before, the situation and the gritty tone would keep me turning. Tone has to match the subject matter or the story reads false, and you manage to capture a tone that seems very appropriate. |
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Bird
Counselor
Posts: 350
Custom Title: World Creator and Destroyer
Preferred Pronouns: they/them/their
HARD: 1700
MEDIUM: 400
EASY: 110
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Post by Bird on Oct 4, 2020 20:33:16 GMT -6
Sweet. Thanks, all! I'll post the full story (hopefully) in Fiction soon. I need to type it up as I had handwritten most of it due to my hand pain.
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Also, changing "after the" to "of the coup" sets a stronger scene. The resolve of a coup de tat often means the violence surrounding it is at a close or starting to settle.
You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
