WIP excerpt--Chapter Opening

"It's beautiful." Musty cedar and rose fragrances tickle my nostrils as I bring “the box” close to my face. Ugh. That same smell nearly chokes me, the one from when I’m around all those old church ladies as if the gaudy flowers on their flashy dresses have come to life.
So, this is the only sentence I would change from this excerpt. It's not a big deal but I think it could be tightened. For some reason, "the one from when I'm around" feels a tad bit clunky for me.

The same perfume grandma wore before she died. Probably ordered from some junk mail catalog.
I love the bit of tiny detail you've sneaked in. Gives us a bit more info on our MC. I'm not sure if this was intentional, but I also love how you specifically referred to "old church ladies". I seem to recall the dystopian government having a cultish, religious bent. So this is a nice callback, and an invitation for the reader to consider the different interactions the MC has had with organized religion.

Though the lacquered wood sits bulky in my palm, it bears the weight of mere grams. The walls must be thinner than they look. An intricate carved-ivy motif starts in the bottom front corner and winds around its perimeter. The vine expands into raised, textured leaves that crawl over the rim of the lid and across the top surface. A tiny hole invites an oddly shaped key to reveal the contents, though Theo offers nothing of the sort.
This is amazing. The idea of a keyhole inviting the key is well-done.

This is a continuation of the excerpt from Conceded that I posted in the Fiction forum a while back. Chapter openings are not my forte. I always struggle with fitting so many things in to the beginning. I like to use action and dialogue and "hook 'em from the get-go." But that doesn't really fit in this chapter because I will soon have the character alone, examining a gift she received from an anonymous donor. My line from the last chapter was "Charlotte, will you please bring the box?" So I feel like there's a bit of description that belongs here before we delve into the dialogue and reaction. I don't want it to feel like an info dump, but it reads too bulky to me. All of these details I've given are part of the overall story mystery and have been planted on purpose. 

"It's beautiful." Musty cedar and rose fragrances tickle my nostrils as I bring “the box” close to my face. Ugh. That same smell nearly chokes me, the one from when I’m around all those old church ladies as if the gaudy flowers on their flashy dresses have come to life. The same perfume grandma wore before she died. Probably ordered from some junk mail catalog.

Though the lacquered wood sits bulky in my palm, it bears the weight of mere grams. The walls must be thinner than they look. An intricate carved-ivy motif starts in the bottom front corner and winds around its perimeter. The vine expands into raised, textured leaves that crawl over the rim of the lid and across the top surface. A tiny hole invites an oddly shaped key to reveal the contents, though Theo offers nothing of the sort.


My suggestions. Swap the two paragraphs. If Charlote has been told to retrieve the box, I think that the box should be described first. I would have her use both hands to hold it. I get an impression of a very small box if in the palm of one hand. This is a reading observation, so no big deal. I enjoyed her comments about the perfume and comments on her grandmothers friends. She didn't like them and it comes across. The mystery here is why.(Yes, maybe answered in the part I didn't read.) Other that I didn't feel anything that was wrong with it. If you wanted, maybe include a bit of history and or age about the box. Did grandpa give it to her as a present? Did she get it from her grandmother.


Though The lacquered wood sits bulky in my palm, it bears the weight of mere grams. The walls must be thinner than they look. An intricate carved-ivy motif starts in the bottom front corner and winds around its perimeter. The vine expands into raised, textured leaves that crawl over the rim of the lid and across the top surface. A tiny hole invites an oddly shaped key to reveal the contents, though Theo offers nothing of the sort.


"It's beautiful." Musty cedar and rose fragrances tickle my nostrils as I bring “the box” close to my face. Ugh. That same smell nearly chokes me, the one from when I’m around all those old church ladies as if the gaudy flowers on their flashy dresses have come to life. The same perfume grandma wore before she died. Probably ordered from some junk mail catalog.