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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 15, 2021 8:03:12 GMT -6
The god forgotten tribe
They think I am a god. They think that I perform magic, like the wizards from their stories. And they think it’s their duty to cheer, gasp, tremble, kneel, bow, dance and sing songs; only to please me. But this does not please me. Occasionally, they take a leap of faith into a slew of spears, all for the vain hope of gaining favour with me. Hah! Such waste and insanity. Teach men not to fear death and they just might start killing for amusement…
I’ve returned home a free, outlandish bird only to be caged and visited as local pastime. Their need - no - their desire for help lured me back and now my former colourful feathers have become dull. I blend in now - brown, black and grey. At first they wondered at my singing, but the more complex the tune, the more confused and demanding they became until I became a poet with sweet words, white hair, piercing eyes and nothing else. The harder my labour, the lesser my accomplishments. One solution left: to disappear, for a while at least, and work from the shadows. All that I can do until some better god arrives.
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 16, 2021 19:11:48 GMT -6
The god forgotten tribe
They think I am a god. They think that I perform magic, like the wizards from their stories. And They think it’s their duty to cheer, gasp, tremble, kneel, bow, dance and sing songs [some of these are superfluous]; only to please me. But this it does not please me. Occasionally, they take a leap of faith into a slew of spears, all for the vain hope of gaining favour with me. Hah! Such waste and insanity. Teach men not to fear death and they just might start killing for amusement…
I’ve returned home a free, outlandish bird only to be caged and visited as local pastime. Their need - no - their desire for help lured me back [humans need for help?] and now my former colourful feathers have become dull. Brown, black and grey [Moved this because I think it works better in this order]. I blend in now. At first they wondered at my singing, but the more complex the tune, the more confused and demanding they became until I became [repetitive choice of word] a poet with sweet words, white hair, piercing eyes and nothing else. The harder my labour, the lesser my accomplishments. One solution left: to disappear, for a while at least, and work from the shadows. All that I can do until some better true god arrives. Technical Aspect:I was super curious the entire time! Despite my edits, this was an enthralling piece and I desperately NEED to know more so I really hope you develop this further. So much backstory and history in only 200 words. I can feel your need to describe more, but moving on in order to get some story into the piece. Expanded, this could be really something special. For this, I wanted less descriptive words because when you take them out the impact is much stronger. Leave a little to the imagination, keep the pace flowing, and make sure each sentence logically follows the previous one while also building more of the story. A bit of tweaking and you've got it nailed. Beware of repetitive words that could hamper the rhythm. 3 Artistic Elements:Your descriptions are vivid, though sometimes nebulous. A bit of editing to tighten them up would make this nicely honed. I was left wondering what this creature was, if not a god, and why it was being worshipped. When you mention "I returned home" I really wanted a follow-up sentence about what that was for this being. Was it another realm or a physical place? What is home? But then it seemed like it actually was still among humans. Which confused me. All in all, I just wanted more insight as to what the narrator was even if you don't explicitly state it...a hint or two would be wonderful. Remember that less can be more when it comes to descriptions. We don't need everything, just a detail here and there help build the sensory experience. Try to write using all five sense and ground us somewhere real. Please expand this and give me more! It's so tempting, like a little sliver of pie. 3 Prompt: Definitely told from the perspective of something mythical. We're told what it isn't (a god, a bird, a poet) but we are never told what it is. But if it can shapeshift, then it's not human so...fits the prompt fairly well. 4 TOTAL: 3+3+4 = 10 10/3 3.3
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 16, 2021 22:14:56 GMT -6
They think I am a god. They think that I perform magic, like the wizards from their stories. And They think it’s their duty to cheer, gasp, tremble, kneel, bow, dance, and sing. songs; only to please me. But this does not please me. Occasionally, they take a leap of faith into a slew of spears, all for the vain hope of gaining favour with me. Hah! Such waste and insanity. Teach men not to fear death and they just might start killing for amusement… I do like this line.
I’ve returned home a free, outlandish(? is this needed) bird only to be caged and visited as local pastime. Their need - no - their desire for help lured me back(How was he lured and how did he know?) and now my former colourful feathers have become dull. I blend in now - brown, black and grey. At first they wondered at my singing, but the more complex the tune, the more confused and demanding they became until I became a poet with sweet words, white hair, piercing eyes and nothing else. The harder my labour, the lesser my accomplishments. One solution left: escape to disappear, for a while at least, and work from the shadows. All that I can do until some better god arrives.
Technical Aspect:: Very good first line. I liked this opening yet didn't know what or who it's about. Not bad as that creates a tension and questions in my mind. This contest is also about economy of words, which you don't need to worry about when you write this story. I feel that you didn't worry about that. You've some unneccessary words, though not bad. I knowmy weaknesses and though others will disagree, I'm not as beholden to perfection of SP&G. Score: 3.5
Artistic Aspect: Good use of naration, descriptive, I easily. That can also delay you getting to the story, a fine balance, like knowing when to telland when to show. I was definately ingtrigued about who this little bird is. I would've like to know that. I don't know if the bird is a high tech alien, the native American Crow god. Well written but a little drawn out. Score: 4
Prompt Use: The lack of knowing about the MC is a problem in this catagory. Score:3.5
Final Score: 3.5 + 4 + 3.5=11/3=3.67
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 21, 2021 18:50:03 GMT -6
The god forgotten tribe
They think I am a god. They think that I perform magic, like the wizards from their stories. And they think it’s their duty to cheer, gasp, tremble, kneel, bow, dance and sing songs; only to please me. But this does not please me. Occasionally, they take a leap of faith into a slew of spears, all for the vain hope of gaining favour with me. Hah! Such waste and insanity. Teach men not to fear death and they just might start killing for amusement… (Not sure what this crossed out portion has to do with the situation at hand. Seems like a detail that might serve better at a later time, perhaps in a real-time scene, when this can actually happen to some of the characters this bird is observing/advising.)
I’ve returned home a free, outlandish bird only to be caged and visited as local pastime ("to be caged and visited" is passive, and I feel it's more important in building this culture/situation to know WHO did the caging, and WHO does the visiting. That priests/shamans/somebody caged a creature perceived as a god takes a certain blasphemous boldness and a deep desperation. This aspect of the situation speaks of the stakes involved for the people who would dare do such a thing and provides info closer to the heart of the conflict than some of what is described in this opening.). Their need - no - their desire for help lured me back and now my former colourful feathers have become dull. I blend in now - brown, black and grey. At first they wondered at my singing, but the more complex the tune, the more confused and demanding they became until I became a poet with sweet words, white hair, piercing eyes and nothing else. The harder my labour, the lesser my accomplishments. One solution left: to disappear, for a while at least, and work from the shadows. All that I can do until some better god arrives. Technical: 2.5 Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar all look clean. Yay! Hook: To me, this opening reads kinda all over the place. Instead of describing a single example to illustrate this situation, the opening tries to capture the entire experience in this short space. As a result, I'm not able to see what the central conflict is, the direction the story might be going, or what (as a reader) I need to be drawn toward in my hopes for a the situation, in my dread of the situation, on behalf of the character(s), which is what an effective hook accomplishes. I don't think I'm describing that well. Maybe an example will illustrate? For instance: the bird answers the call of these people, it flies in ready to help them in their current crisis, reader gets a visual of who these people are, then swipe! the bird is caught in a net. Reader then gets to wonder if the bird is going to be sacrificed or enslaved, and so they turn the page. I think there's a lot of possibility here, though. The situation provides all sorts of potential for conflict, opposing interests, misunderstandings, etc. if the heart of the story can be located and made the primary focus. Artistic: 2 Word choice/coherence: The opening sentence is a lovely, strong opening sentence. Love it. The context that follows confuses me. If this creature isn't a god, what is he? If he's not a wizard, what is he? Then the final sentence seems to affirm that the creature is a god or at least a demi-god of some kind. Character: Is this a real-world mythic creature, or one of your own invention? The reason I ask is because there's very little surrounding specific context for me to know what/who this bird is, what culture we're dealing with, what the shift into a poet means in terms of identity. So there's more unanswered questions than answered ones. Setting: mainly has to do with culture. The detail we're given has to do with spears and bravado on the battlefield, and that's the sentence that I feel doesn't belong in the story yet. Other than this detail, there is no clue as to setting, in terms of time or place. If these are primordial humans or earlier human ancestors, I can see how it would be difficult to include that information, but it's the author's job to make sure the reader is anchored in some place with characters as relatable people. Currently I'm picturing something like South American indigenous peoples and a bird like the thunderbird b/c I don't have anything concrete to go on. Structure: The sense I get from this piece is that the author was exploring the idea, like in a free-writing exercise? It doesn't have that organized, authoritative, fleshed-out feel yet. It can get there, just keep going! Prompt: 3 I can tell we're dealing with a magical, powerful creature, I just don't know what it is. The POV is nice and tight, fully from the bird's experience, which is what I was hoping to see. Total: 2.5
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ScienceGirl
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 25, 2021 6:04:56 GMT -6
The god forgotten tribe
They think I am a god. They think that I perform magic, like the wizards from their stories. And they think it’s their duty to cheer, gasp, tremble, kneel, bow, dance and sing songs; only to please me. But this does not please me. Occasionally, they take a leap of faith into a slew of spears, all for the vain hope of gaining favour with me. Hah! Such waste and insanity. Teach men not to fear death and they just might start killing for amusement…
I’ve returned home a free, outlandish bird only to be caged and visited as local pastime. Their need - no - their desire for help lured me back and now my former colourful feathers have become dull. I blend in now - brown, black and grey. At first they wondered at my singing, but the more complex the tune, the more confused and demanding they became until I became a poet with sweet words, white hair, piercing eyes and nothing else. The harder my labour, the lesser my accomplishments. One solution left: to disappear, for a while at least, and work from the shadows. All that I can do until some better god arrives.
Technical: 2 Even in your title is a small SpAG error. The god-forgotten tribe should be hyphenated. Several comma errors--extra ones, missing ones. Several incomplete sentences. Some longer sentences that were hard to follow. I feel like you're trying to write in stream of consciousness, but that's all we really have here. We never get outside of this person's head to find a story. Artistic: 3 This feels more like a complete mini-story than an opening hook. You've given the solution and that's all there is to it. We're finished, so why read on? Your story has a lot of description (and some nice description embedded in all that garbled thought) but it is lacking some of the more interesting elements of narrative writing. Where is the dialogue? Where is the action? Where are the high stakes? Prompt: 4 You've definitely stayed in the POV of the one character, so that's good. And I can tell it's some kind of mythical creature, even though I'm not sure which one. Overall: 9/3 = 3
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 8:00:11 GMT -6
Technical: 3 Artistic: 3
I put both together, because my critiques for Technical and Artistic are related.
It seems like the instinct for a lot of people when they hear "200 word prompt" is to write as much backstory and set up as they can squeeze into 200 words, and to use short, clipped sentences to denote private thoughts. Exposition is important to a story, but in the first few lines, it is probably the least important thing. You don't need to explain. In fact, the less you explain, the more people want to read. Now, you need to give enough so that there does seem to BE an explanation, but you can leave a lot out in the beginning.
What's important in the first 200 words is that we see a conflict. The exposition adds to the world and gives a lot of enjoyment, but conflict makes us turn the page. You used a lot of short clipped sentences to show close POV, but the submission is more of a prologue than a chapter 1. Don't tell us he got caught. Show us him getting caught.
Prompt: 4 I don't know what mythological creature this is, but I won't dock points for that. It's an interesting concept, having a being worshiped as a god when he doesn't want to be. I sort of want to know what happens next, but I don't feel like I NEED to. And that's what you want with a hook. I need to need to see what happens next.
3+3+4=10/3 = 3.33
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Post by Frostguard on Jun 26, 2021 12:00:01 GMT -6
Technical: Minor issues, some sentences I'd have worded differently. I think I understand the intent with the pile of verbs at the end of the first line, but even then it feels a little excessive. Other than that, not much to mention. I'll go with 4.5.
Artistic: I quite like the concept. I'm not sure what exactly is going on here, but it feels like it'd be interesting, and I'd definitely want to read more, although a little too much is happening; I'd have done away with the last two or three sentences, as I think that for the purpose the story would've worked without those. I think it's 4.
Prompt: Definitely a mythological creature, no issues with the point of view. I'll give it a 5.
Average: 4.50
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Post by Ruhaab on Jun 26, 2021 23:23:05 GMT -6
The god forgotten tribe
They think I am a gGod. They think that I perform magic, like the wizards from in their stories. And they think it’s their duty to cheer, gasp, tremble, kneel, bow, dance and sing songs; only in order to please me. But this doesn't please me. Occasionally, they take a leap of faith into a slew of spears, all for the vain hope of gaining favour from me. Hah! Such waste and insanity. Teach men them not to fear death and they might just start killing each other for amusement…
I’ve returned home a free, outlandish bird only to be caged and visited kept as local pastime. Their need -- no, their desire wish for help lured me back and now my former colourful feathers (or you could use my colourful plumage has) have become dull. I blend in now - brown, black and grey. At first they wondered at my singing, but the more complex the tune, the more confused and demanding they became until I became a poet with sweet words, white hair, piercing eyes and nothing else. The harder my labour, the lesser my accomplishments. One solution left: to disappear, for a while at least, and work from the shadows. All that I can do until some better god arrives.
Technical - 4.5
Indeed, great work. Apart from a few petty mistakes, everything is perfect. Each and every sentences seems to be polished and refurbished many times. I liked it very much. The beginning is superb - They think I am a God.
Artistic - 5
And they think it’s their duty to cheer, gasp, tremble, kneel, bow, dance and sing songs; only in order to please me. That's really awesome. You nail it really. Some sentences are well written and well structured. I liked it very much.
Prompt - 4.4
Yes you did a great job and this is exactly what demanded in it.
Total - 4.5+5+4.4 = 4.63
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 27, 2021 12:22:21 GMT -6
Technical Not much in the way of spelling or grammatical issues that I could tell. Though not exactly confusing, I found the opening to be a bit random and I wasn't sure what I should pinpoint as the focus. Consequently, I found myself wandering through the words which, despite being an interesting process, didn't help me lock the core intention in place. Score: 3.10
Artistic As a complete little tale, this works perfectly, so well done on that score. However, the point was to create something the reader wanted to follow to a conclusion and in essence, the conclusion here has already been provided...."until some better god arrives." Still, descriptions were vivid and I like this character's take on certain situations. Score: 3.20
Prompt Have a little difficulty here. It can be assumed that the character is based in myth, although I'm not sure I can put a name to it or even that it has a recognizable one. Is this a newly created character? Not sure if that follows the rules, but then again, maybe it does. Not for me to say. As a stand-alone piece, this is outstanding. As an entry in this contest, particularly considering the requirement of a hook, I think it falls short. But, I will say that it was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Score: 2.80
FINAL TOTAL: 3.03
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 28, 2021 20:33:25 GMT -6
Technical As I understand the story, a shapeshifting creature is mistaken for a god and is captured by a tribe of humans who exploit their powers. The shapeshifter sings, and the people are impressed and demand more and more from the shapeshifter. But I think the shapeshifter doesn't want to be burdened by duties to the people, and would rather be working on something related to the songs? And they want to disappear so they can put their effort in singing?
I am not sure I understand the story correctly or if I'm missing something. I know that in some mythologies, singing is a way of doing magic, so maybe the songs are meant to accomplish something in a less direct way. But I have to say that from this excerpt of the story, I'm not certain that I know what is happening. I'm confused how in the first paragraph, the shapeshifter seems dismissive of the tribe, saying "hah" to the fact that they get themselves killed to prove their faith, but in the second paragraph, the shapeshifter wants to "work from the shadows" "until some better god arrives," as though they really do care about their responsibility. For me at least, the lack of clarity about what is happening in the story leads me to lower the score a little.
In the title, "god-forgotten" should be hyphenated as it's a compound adjective, like "homemade." I was confused by the title at first because I thought, "But the god has not forgotten the tribe, right?" But then I realized that it must be that the tribe's real god is absent, and the protagonist of this story is substituting for him. I would say "my formerly colourful feathers." The feathers are still there, so it's the adjective, 'colourful,' that is former, not the feathers. So it needs to be an adverb. 4
Artistic I want to say first that I found this line surprising and beautiful. This is my favorite sentence in anyone's entry in this whole contest. I don't quite understand what's going on, why the bird now became a poet, seemingly a human poet if they have hair, but the surreal quality of that and knowing that this is a myth makes it beautiful in a strange way. I thought the sentence was going to end after "the more confused and demanding they became," but it didn't, and instead it turned in this unexpected direction and slowed itself down. I really like the effect.
As a whole, this story interests me. I would like to see what the shapeshifter would do if not stuck in this situation and how they try to slip away from their position.
This piece on its own hasn't really 'properly' started the story, though. It reads as an introduction, maybe a framing narrative, and I think it works in that regard. The protagonist is narrating the circumstances. But I would expect that after this introduction, the framing narrative ends and the story itself begins and we would see more grounded details. Right now the piece is written in generalizations— you wouldn't read a whole story like this, "people made demands of me," "I accomplished less." You would see the actual people making the demands and know what the accomplishments are or supposed to be. Like, what's currently in this piece is fine, but the very next line that we don't have should be a detail that starts the actual story. Like "One morning, one of the tribesfolk came up to me and said, 'Would you like this sacrifice?'" or something.
The voice is strong and I can hear the character's anger. 4
Prompt I'm not familiar with the myth, but it sounds interesting and I might like to read more about it. But definitely it's in the point of view of a character who is seen as a god and has magical powers, so it seems like it's from myth. 5
Score: 4.33
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Post by yankoo on Jun 30, 2021 3:43:47 GMT -6
Thank you all for the feedback! I appreciate that some of you liked my idea. unfortunately i wasn't able to make the story very clear. It wasn't about a bird. The guy was speaking kind of poetically, like i imagined this particular god, comparing himself to an exotic bird among local birds. He used to sing but then he became a misunderstood poet. This is only partly inspired by a real myth, about a man who was a slave and apprentice to a great philosopher. Later he obtained his freedom and returned home and became a demi-god but the people of his tribe weren't ready for his advanced knowledge. I definitely tried too much with this story, but maybe i'll write it fully one day and make it better.
Not being salty, but i think some your criticism is too much negatively focused on my writing style. Like expecting me to write in the way that you would write it. I try to write in a more unique way and i think it would be more encouraging for me if you appreciated that. At the same time i understand that i made the entry incomprehensible. I definitely tried too hard in this one. Congratulations to everyone. I enjoyed reading all of your entries and learned from each one of you.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 30, 2021 11:27:49 GMT -6
Thank you all for the feedback! I appreciate that some of you liked my idea. unfortunately i wasn't able to make the story very clear. It wasn't about a bird. The guy was speaking kind of poetically, like i imagined this particular god, comparing himself to an exotic bird among local birds. He used to sing but then he became a misunderstood poet. This is only partly inspired by a real myth, about a man who was a slave and apprentice to a great philosopher. Later he obtained his freedom and returned home and became a demi-god but the people of his tribe weren't ready for his advanced knowledge. I definitely tried too much with this story, but maybe i'll write it fully one day and make it better. Not being salty, but i think some your criticism is too much negatively focused on my writing style. Like expecting me to write in the way that you would write it. I try to write in a more unique way and i think it would be more encouraging for me if you appreciated that. At the same time i understand that i made the entry incomprehensible. I definitely tried too hard in this one. Congratulations to everyone. I enjoyed reading all of your entries and learned from each one of you. Ooooh! Okay, I can see that. Would love to see this story developed in longer form. I hope you'll give it a go.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 30, 2021 12:56:32 GMT -6
Thank you all for the feedback! I appreciate that some of you liked my idea. unfortunately i wasn't able to make the story very clear. It wasn't about a bird. The guy was speaking kind of poetically, like i imagined this particular god, comparing himself to an exotic bird among local birds. He used to sing but then he became a misunderstood poet. This is only partly inspired by a real myth, about a man who was a slave and apprentice to a great philosopher. Later he obtained his freedom and returned home and became a demi-god but the people of his tribe weren't ready for his advanced knowledge. I definitely tried too much with this story, but maybe i'll write it fully one day and make it better. Not being salty, but i think some your criticism is too much negatively focused on my writing style. Like expecting me to write in the way that you would write it. I try to write in a more unique way and i think it would be more encouraging for me if you appreciated that. At the same time i understand that i made the entry incomprehensible. I definitely tried too hard in this one. Congratulations to everyone. I enjoyed reading all of your entries and learned from each one of you. What is the name of the mythical character? I'm curious. What religion is he from? I liked your writing style, for what it's worth! Like I said, the "At first they wondered at my singing" sentence was the most beautiful sentence in the contest to me. I just love the way it moves.
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ScienceGirl
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 30, 2021 14:29:03 GMT -6
Not being salty, but i think some your criticism is too much negatively focused on my writing style. Like expecting me to write in the way that you would write it. I try to write in a more unique way and i think it would be more encouraging for me if you appreciated that. At the same time i understand that i made the entry incomprehensible. I definitely tried too hard in this one. Congratulations to everyone. I enjoyed reading all of your entries and learned from each one of you. I really do get what you're saying here. You do have a unique voice, and we do appreciate that. I think a big part of the problem was just the challenge of the hook itself. I scored you pretty low on technical and artistic, so I'd like to clarify. I love your writing style itself. That stream-of-consciousness sort of thinking really works for me. My issue wasn't that you used it, but just that it was all we got in the entry. We never left the character's head. You honestly (and bravely) attempted several tough writing strategies all at once. Definite kudos for that. It's tough to do that style in first person because "I" becomes repetitive really, really fast. It's tough to accomplish a hook in 200 words. And it's tough to establish a strong character within their own mind. I feel like the problem with the entry (from the hook angle) is that you didn't give us any of the character's experience and observation. If you mix in some action and setting into what you have, maybe even some dialogue (talking to his/herself) it would shape up into a much stronger piece. There were too many unknowns--who is "they" and who is "I?" Male? Female? Old? Young? We need a little piece of character development here to understand that. So you could do something like: They think I am a god. They think I perform magic, like the wizards from their stories. With a flick of my wrist, I send their dreadful books tumbling off the shelves onto the library floor, setting off a massive dust cloud. My thundering sneeze shakes the room.
And, they think it's their duty to cheer, gasp, tremble, kneel, bow, dance, and sing songs; (remove) only to please me. Another flick, and the shelves themselves come crashing down. Bear with me LOL. I just threw your character into an old library. Made them destructively angry with severe allergies. Maybe you envisioned them in a different mood and setting. But we'd have no way of knowing that unless you put those bits in. So what you have itself is not so bad. It's just that the setting, character development, and suspense-driving action is missing. And those are essential components of a narrative hook. Also, there were several grammatical errors that scored you lower on technical. Punctuation use (commas, colon, semicolon) and such. Keep an eye on the Resources forum because I'll be posting a bunch of threads explaining those grammatical rules that will help. Sometimes it's hard for regular critiquers to appreciate writing style when they spot a glaring misuse of a comma. We all admittedly tend to get a little tougher on that during contests. I think maybe the anonymity factor lets us be a little more truthful. I hope you'll try again. Expand this out a bit and throw some of those elements into it and post in the fiction forum.
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Post by yankoo on Jul 1, 2021 0:19:08 GMT -6
What is the name of the mythical character? I'm curious. What religion is he from? I liked your writing style, for what it's worth! Like I said, the "At first they wondered at my singing" sentence was the most beautiful sentence in the contest to me. I just love the way it moves. The name of the demi-god is Zalmoxe/Zalmoxis. He's from the dacian culture, a thracian tribe on current day's Romanian territory.
It was pretty good, wasn't it? hehe I was rather proud myself. Thanks! I really liked your chosen deity too, after having lived in china a while, it was ...refreshing. I didn't know there was a gay god. Awesome!!
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