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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 15, 2021 8:02:19 GMT -6
Title: Kassandra's Dream
Word Count: 170
Kassandra squinted at her blood-caked hair, spread around her in matted strawberry-blonde twigs. The gritty sidewalk dug into her delicate cheek, mixing with her sweat and tears. Her pulse quickened. She must rise. She must warn them before...
“Miss?” Smooth fingers brushed across her forehead. A man knelt beside her, his face framed with dark curls. He caught the hem of her silky sleeve. “Cosplay? Did you come from the convention downtown?”
“Hector?” It must be. But his face! So thin. And what of this strange black cloak? Tightly fitted? Held together by odd stones and thread?
“No, Kevin. Kevin Nomikos. Attorney-at-law.” He lifted a glowing device to his face. “I’m calling 9-1-1.”
Her body convulsed as the serpents swarmed her, licking at her extremities with their razor-sharp tongues. “Destruction,” they hissed. “Only death will come.”
She shot her hand to his wrist, knocking the device to the ground. “Beware of Danaos,” she rasped. “Do not accept their gifts.”
“Danaos?” Kevin scoffed. “Look, Dorothy. You’re not in Troy anymore. Let’s get you to a hospital.”
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 17, 2021 18:39:42 GMT -6
Title: Kassandra's Dream
Word Count: 170Kassandra squinted at her blood-caked hair, spread around her in matted strawberry-blonde twigs. The gritty sidewalk [After reading the whole thing, it occurs to me that she wouldn't know what a sidewalk was and if this is in her limited perspective, then perhaps 'stone walkway' or something would better match the rest of the piece, since she doesn't even have a word for buttons or jacket.] dug into her delicate cheek, mixing with her sweat and tears. Her pulse quickened. She must rise. She must warn them before... “Miss?” Smooth fingers brushed across her forehead. A man knelt beside her, his face framed with dark curls. He caught the hem of her silky sleeve. “Cosplay? Did you come from the convention downtown?” “Hector?” It must be. But his face! So thin. And what of this strange black cloak? Tightly fitted? Held together by odd stones and thread? “No, Kevin. Kevin Nomikos. Attorney-at-law.” He lifted a glowing device to his face. “I’m calling 9-1-1.” Her body convulsed as the serpents swarmed her, licking at her extremities with their razor-sharp tongues. “Destruction,” they hissed. “Only death will come.” [So. I read this about three times trying to see if this is an interpretation of hers, like the serpents are something else in modern times but because they talk it makes me think it's a vision of some kind? It definitely stopped the flow for me because I don't see how this immediately fits without some kind of indication of these serpents earlier...or some kind of quick explanation of whether this is only something she can see/experience or if it's a flashback or what...]She shot her hand to his wrist, knocking the device to the ground. “Beware of Danaos,” she rasped. “Do not accept their gifts.” “Danaos?” Kevin scoffed. “Look, Dorothy. You’re not in Troy anymore. Let’s get you to a hospital.” [And this is a TOTALLY personal thing, no points taken off, but mixed metaphors irk me so much hahaha, which is a valid character choice for sure but I'm like nooooo stay consistent at least, Kevin!] Despite all the blue, this is technically very sound! Not much of anything to pick apart, nice job! I liked how it started and that you quickly made it clear she was on the ground. It oriented me to the space without being overly descriptive. With carefully chosen words like gritty sidewalk and delicate cheek and silky sleeve while adding in dialogue like "cosplay?" and "Troy" it gave me a clear picture of her without explicitly saying she was wearing high quality Greek-esque ancient clothing. My only two complaints is the use of "sidewalk" since she's seemingly fallen out of time she wouldn't have a word for sidewalk, and the portion involving the snakes which came out of the blue and threw me through a loop. 4 Artistic Elements:I love the way you used dialogue and other narrative devices to give us setting, character clues, and descriptions of your characters. That's how it's done! The first line immediately drew me in and pulled at my curiosity. The ending leaves me wanting more and I truly hope to learn more about this story. You used all of the possible 200 words to give us a rich detailed experience. My only issues: the snakes - what are they? Where are they? It didn't fit and only made me confused. I think something else could've been done to increase the urgency. My second issue is probably not as important to the overall score but I'll mention it anyways. So I googled Danaos out of curiosity and couldn't find anything mythology related. I found Danaus but it only sort-of fit because the use of "their gifts" made me wonder if they're a nation of people, an army, or one person whose pronouns are they/them? So yea, just a personal "huh?" moment where my curiosity wasn't assuaged by google. Guess I just wanna know more! I thought maybe it was relate to the Trojan horse but....I can't find a connection. 4 Prompt: Did it hook my interest? YES. Is it told from the POV of a mythical creature or character? YES. I know of Kassandra from The Iliad. She's a priestess of Apollo, right? And sister to Hector. If memory serves...(googles) yes! High school literature for the win. And she has the gift of prophesy. (and had a ROUGH life it seems) So this is definitely in line with the prompt. 5 TOTAL:13/3 4.3 |
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 17, 2021 20:35:33 GMT -6
Kassandra squinted at her blood-caked hair, spread around her in matted strawberry-blonde twigs. The gritty sidewalk dug into her delicate cheek, mixing with her sweat and tears. Her pulse quickened. She must rise. She must warn them before...
“Miss?” Smooth fingers brushed across her forehead. A man knelt beside her, his face framed with dark curls. He caught the hem of her silky sleeve. “Cosplay? Did you come from the convention downtown?”
“Hector?” It must be. But his face! So thin. And what of this strange black cloak? Tightly fitted? Held together by odd stones and thread?Use italics for thought. At first I thought that Kassandra was doing naration.
“No, Kevin. Kevin Nomikos. Attorney-at-law.” He lifted a glowing device to his face. “I’m calling 9-1-1.”
Her body convulsed as the serpents swarmed her, licking at her extremities with their razor-sharp tongues. “Destruction,” they hissed. “Only death will come.” Is this a vision that wont be believed? If so why doesn't Kevin hear it?
She shot her hand to his wrist, knocking the device to the ground. “Beware of Danaos,” she rasped. “Do not accept their gifts.”
“Danaos?” Kevin scoffed. “Look, Dorothy. You’re not in Troy anymore. Let’s get you to a hospital.”I really liked Kevin's line.
Technical Aspect: I had to google Kassandra and refresh my memory. I commented on a few wording issues. Good dialogue and naration. I'm not the best at SPaG,but nothing jumped out at me. Score:4.5
Artistic Aspect: I do enjoy Greek mythology and Kassandra's story is a good one. Courious as to how she got here, maybe the storm that sank the Greek fleet. I would definately read more of your story. I'll bring in the snakes, are they a Medusa reference? A vision? That was confusing even if well written. Score: 4
Prompt Use: You nailed this, no question or concern. Thanaks for participating and contributing an enjoyable story. Score:5
Final Score: 4.5 + 4 + 5=13.5/3=4.5
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 22, 2021 11:06:22 GMT -6
Title: Kassandra's Dream
Word Count: 170Kassandra squinted at her blood-caked hair, spread around her in matted strawberry-blonde twigs. The gritty (on the) sidewalk dug into her delicate cheek, mixing with her sweat and tears (otherwise it's the sidewalk itself mixing with sweat and tears). Her pulse quickened. She must rise. She must warn them before... “Miss?” Smooth fingers brushed across her forehead. A man knelt beside her, his face framed with dark curls. He caught the hem of her silky sleeve. “Cosplay? Did you come from the convention downtown?” “Hector?” It must be. But his face! So thin. And what of this strange black cloak? Tightly fitted? Held together by odd stones and thread? “No, Kevin. Kevin Nomikos. Attorney-at-law.” He lifted a glowing device to his face. “I’m calling 9-1-1.” Her body convulsed as the serpents swarmed her, licking at her extremities with their razor-sharp tongues. “Destruction,” they hissed. “Only death will come.” She shot her hand to his wrist, knocking the device to the ground. “Beware of Danaos,” she rasped. “Do not accept their gifts.” “Danaos?” Kevin scoffed. “Look, Dorothy. You’re not in Troy anymore. Let’s get you to a hospital.” Oh, I love it. Totally swept in. Technical: 4.7 Hook: Jeez, why is Kassandra bloody? That was my first thought, so I kept reading, and then to learn she's no longer in her own time. Hehe, how did this happen? So, yeah, definitely a successful hook. As for the rest, all I found was the one little slip in red, easily missed, and most folks won't even care. Artistic: 5 Imagery, characters, situation, all so vivid, engaging, and clear. Voice/style mature and confident in the craft. I usually don't give fives but since I really can't find anything to nitpick on the artistic side, I can't justify docking even tenths of a point. So there. Prompt: 5 Both a successful hook and a tight POV from an easily recognizable mythic figure. Total: 4.9 |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 7:38:09 GMT -6
Technical: 4.5
I couldn't find any technical issues. The snakes were jarring, because there's nothing to say they aren't actually there except that Kevin doesn't see them. That's not huge, though. Maybe just needs to be cleaned up a bit, so we understand its in her head?
Artistic: 5
Great job. I have no complaints.
Prompt: 5
This was great. Definitely a mythological character, definitely a good hook. I certainly want to know what happens next.
4.5+5+5=14.5/3 = 4.8
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Post by Frostguard on Jun 26, 2021 11:35:46 GMT -6
Technical: No issues at all as far as I can see. I'll go with a 5.
Artistic: Really well done. So much going on, and I have so little idea of any of it. I like that. It makes me want to read more, find out more. The images are vivid, the piece seizes my attention and holds it. Couldn't complain about anything. It's a 5.
Prompt: It fits the prompt in every possible way. Need I say more than a 5?
Average: 5.00
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Post by Ruhaab on Jun 26, 2021 20:16:39 GMT -6
Technical - I can't see mistakes here. Good and Simple job - 4.5
Artistic - Kassandra squinted at her blood-caked hair, spread around her in matted strawberry-blonde twigs. The gritty sidewalk dug into her delicate cheek, mixing with her sweat and tears. Her pulse quickened - Super and vivid imagination. Nice. - 4
Prompt - Good - 4
Total - 4.5+4.5+4 = 13/3 - 4.25
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 27, 2021 11:58:34 GMT -6
Technical
No denying the presence and intensity of the hook here. Totally captured from the beginning. Lovely job in setting time and place and the fact that Kassandra is out of her element. Nice little touch of the mysterious that certainly encourages the reader to want to know more. If there were any grammatical or spelling errors, I didn't see them.
Score: 5.00
Artistic
Beautifully composed with excellently vivid descriptions. I appreciate that this takes place within a more modern universe than that which Kassandra is used to. These were very subtle reveals, with references to the somewhat randomly placed "9-1-1" and "cosplay," etc., to set the scene, for example. I must admit to being a little confused about the mention of "Dorothy" in the same breath as "Troy." Dorothy to me always signifies a reference to Oz, but I'm sure that's a fault or misunderstanding on my part and I don't feel justified in deducting points for that. Although not told from Kassandra's viewpoint, what transpires involves her completely and as far as I'm concerned satisfies the contest criteria.
Score: 5.00
Prompt
Certainly based on myth and certainly had an outstanding hook. I know a perfect score is rare, but personally think anything less would be probably be a travesty. In my opinion, this had everything that was called for.
Score: 5.00
FINAL TOTAL: 5.00
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Post by yankoo on Jun 28, 2021 8:02:59 GMT -6
Technical elements:
Technically sound piece. I really don’t know how I would make it better. Gritty sidewalk is nice. What was mixing with her sweat and tears? Blood maybe? “She shot her hand to his wrist…” I would begin the sentence differently. As it is now, it feels a bit too sudden. Grade 4.5
Artistic elements: I like the introduction jumping straight into the action. The first few sentences really attracted my attention. I also liked the phrase “licking at her extremities”. There’s a really strong greed and ruthlessness suggested through the word ‘licking’. Besides that, there are not many artistic elements that are eye catching. One part I would change is “destruction…only death will come”. It sounds a bit too much too soon for me. Grade 3.5
Prompt.
Definitely mysterious and unpredictable but not necessarily attractive. I found it confusing with all the names between the two people and there was not much that made me really curious. Grade 4
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 28, 2021 21:36:18 GMT -6
Technical
Nothing amiss that I can catch. I like how the various parts of the story gradually shape my understanding of what's happening. I thought maybe a modern person was having a psychotic episode where they were channeling Kassandra or something, but then the simple "Cosplay?" makes us realize that she's actually dressed like an ancient person. Then the serpents that Kevin can't see swarm her, so the disaster is something supernatural rather than natural? So clever how it builds together. Honestly reading this along with the other entries, I realize that a clear, explicit introduction isn't necessarily easier to understand than just throwing the reader into the action.
One little consideration that gets to me is why are they in the U.S.? I figure they are because of Kevin's English name and the fact that he dials 911. Of course I don't know how she got into the modern world and maybe there's a reason, but otherwise it feels too U.S.-centric. I'm not actually going to take off points for that, though. 5
Artistic
This one is hooky for sure, to the point it makes me realize I might have downplayed the hook aspect of the contest thinking just any interesting beginning can be a hook — it really gets my attention quickly: the unknown situation that left Kassandra bloody on the sidewalk, the vivid details, the slightly humorous absurdity of the whole thing. I'm even curious about the fact that Kevin seems to have a Greek surname, so maybe there's some ancestral connection thing going on? This piece is such a tease because there are so many little things to wonder about, and that makes it a really effective hook to me.
In the context of the contest it feels a little like Kassandra is exchangeable for any other mythological figure, other than that she's rambling about not accepting the Trojan Horse. It seems easy enough to substitute her with some other classical figure spouting something that they say in their myth. It might be justifiable in the rest of the story of course, but I might give it a tiny ding here. 4.5
Prompt
Kassandra's from myth, yes. And it's in her point of view. 5
Score: 4.83
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ScienceGirl
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 28, 2021 22:11:57 GMT -6
Thank you all so much for the feedback and the scores! My first Legendfire contest years ago was a complete embarrassment, and I scored terribly. Finally! Redemption!!! So you guys just starting, don't lose heart!!! And it was an absolute honor to compete against so many amazing, creative entries. I'd read all these stories. Would love to see some expansion in the fiction forum!
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 28, 2021 22:33:24 GMT -6
You're welcome and congrats.
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 28, 2021 23:29:43 GMT -6
Wonderful entry! Absolutely loved it.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2021 7:13:34 GMT -6
Yeah, I think this one got my highest score, lol. It was a great entry. I love Urban Fantasy, so I'd read this in a heartbeat. Good job and Congrats on your well earned victory!
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