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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 15, 2021 8:01:30 GMT -6
Title: A Mistake
Word count: 200
I was right, but there's no joy in that for me.
I knew it was a bad idea from the moment he was brought onto the deck. Never before had I been so certain of anything. But nobody listened.
“We don't get another chance like this in a lifetime,” the captain said, and the crew laughed with him. “We'll live like kings off the ransom, but if you're a chicken, all the more for us.”
I could never forget that day. Not only was the young man completely unfazed, acting almost as though he was one of us rather than a captive at our mercy, but that serene smile on his face sent shivers down my spine. Something was wrong, and I cannot fathom how nobody else saw it.
I may have been spared, but it doesn't feel like it. Pelias's screams rend my dreams to this day as surely as they did on that fateful night. That hellish drone from nowhere and yet everywhere echoes in my head still. Even now, images of unspeakable things I saw flash in front of my eyes when I close them.
I can only hope that perhaps in recounting the events I might find a measure of peace.
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 19, 2021 19:32:55 GMT -6
I was right, but I took no joy in that.there's no joy in that for me.
I knew It was a bad idea from the moment Whenhe was brought onto the deck, my stomach became quesey and my neck's hair stood on end. Never before had I'd never been so certain of anything, But nobody listened.
“We don't get another chance like This is a once in a lifetime opportunity,” the captain said as he laughed, and the crew laughed with joining him. “We'll live like kings off the ransom, but if you're a chicken, all the more for us.”
I'll could never forget that day. Not only was the young man completely unfazed, acting almost as though he was one of us rather than he was oblivious to being at a captive at our mercy. but That serene smile on his face sent shivers down my spine. Something was wrong, and I cannot fathom how nobody else saw it.
I may have been spared, but it doesn't feel like it. Pelias's screams rend my dreams to this day as surely as they did on that fateful night. That hellish drone from nowhere and yet everywhere echoes in my head still. Even now, images of unspeakable things I saw flash in front of my eyes when I close them.
I can only hope that perhaps in recounting the events I might find a measure of peace.
Technical Aspect: Despite the suggestions I've offered, I didn't see anything bad as far as SPanG is concerend. An interesting frist line and not a bad one. the narator seems to be one of the crew, which is good, but give me more of the movie. Are the seas rough? Is it raining and the crew is scared? Why are they ransoming this young man who might be King Pelias? What you have isn't bad but it could be so much more. Score: 2.5
Artistic Aspect: The last four lines are really good, maybe start with that young man being brought onto the deck. Your story is interesting and I'd probably read more. I really enjoy Greek mythology, Jason and the Argonaughts are near the top. Score: 3
Prompt Use: My issue with the prompt is, who is the narrator? King Pelias sows up half-way through. There is nothing to indicate the prompt at the begining of the story. Thank you forparticipating and submitting a worthy story.Score: 2.5
Final Score: 2.5 +3 + 2.5=8/3=2.67
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 20, 2021 19:45:39 GMT -6
Title: A Mistake Word count: 200 I was right, but there's no joy in that for me. [Love this first line! Very attention grabbing and really pushes me to read more to find out why and how.]I knew it was a bad idea from the moment he was brought onto the deck. Never before had I been so certain of anything. But nobody listened. “We don't get another chance like this in a lifetime,” the captain said, and the crew laughed with him. “We'll live like kings off the ransom, but if you're a chicken [this feels like a very modern taunt rather than something a group of seamen would say but now I realize I don't have a frame of reference for the time period, I assumed it was very ancient but it could be modern day I guess...hm...so what I really want is a quick way to ground us in the time period.], all the more for us.” I could never forget that day. Not only was the young man completely unfazed, acting almost as though he was one of us rather than a captive at our mercy, but that serene smile on his face sent shivers down my spine. [Oh that's creepy. I want to know more.] Something was wrong, and I cannot fathom how nobody else saw it. I may have been spared, but it doesn't feel like it [eager to know more about this]. Pelias's screams rend my dreams to this day as surely as they did on that fateful night. That hellish drone from nowhere and yet everywhere echoes in my head still. Even now, images of unspeakable things I saw flash in front of my eyes when I close them. I can only hope that perhaps in recounting the events I might find a measure of peace. I don't see anything technically amiss. There is essential information missing regarding setting and the narrative voice could be stronger, though. What I mean specifically about narrative voice is that I wanted more hints at the specific things he experienced, why it was a mistake, and his internal conflict. Yes there's a word restraint, I understand that can be tricky to get these things across while also advancing the action. I just wonder, how can this be more active than passive? I adore the concept and there's a creepy ominous tone that builds beautifully, leaving me with questions. I'd read on to see if those questions are answered. But I do want to be more immersed in this POV and I was a hint as to the time period and a better clue as to what type of mythical creature this POV is from... 4 Artistic Elements:I love the opening line and I want more fulfillment of why this was a bad idea. We only get the tiniest of taste that something was off with this captive without really knowing anything. This is written cleanly and coherently. It's good writing for sure! But I am a fan of shorter choppier sentences when the scene calls for it, like during this portion: It might've benefited from an edit that increased the tension and made the POV more intimate. Maybe something like: I've never forgotten that day. The young man completely unfazed. Smiling serenely as if one of us rather than a captive at our mercy. Shivers traveled down my spine. Something was wrong. How could no one else see it?
Maybe that's more of my writing style. I won't dock points just wanted to give another perspective on making the POV a little more intimate. I understand this is a recollection, but we can still have it feel immediate. 4 Prompt:First part of the prompt- did it hook me? YES. Great job on that aspect!! Second part of the prompt- as told from the perspective of a mythical being. I know Pelias from Greek mythology but this doesn't align with his story much...it could be a what if this had happened type thing but I don't quite understand. Who is the narrator? What is the narrator? I don't know. I'm sorry. 3 TOTAL:11/3 = 3.6 |
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 22, 2021 16:41:47 GMT -6
Technical: 3 Hook: I would turn the page to see what disaster falls upon these sailors. SPaG: the fundamentals look flawless.  Structure: feels a bit unfocused and vague, like an early draft where the author is feeling out the story. The second sentence is stronger as an opener than the first one, IMO. Suggest cutting the first sentence. I think the structure idea could work if it were more focused on Pelias himself—in specific ways—and less on the sailors/pirates. For instance, how does the narrator find out who this guy is? Why was he in the sea to be fished out? Or was he on a ship that was taken? If all that detail is to follow, then start the narration later in the story, or add those more hints of those details in here. Artistic: Word choice: 2.5 a) Cliched phrases (“live like kings” and “sent shivers down my spine” and “flash in front of my eyes”) reduce interest factor and confidence in the author’s effort to entertain. Try swapping these out for culture/setting-specific options: which king? If we’re reading about Pelias, then King Midas comes to mind. What from the sailor’s experience shivers or reflects cowardice? “spineless as a jellyfish” “made my skin crawl like a barrel of octopi.” b) vague descriptions. I mentioned some of this above under the “structure” heading, but I’ll elaborate a bit here. Pelias “acting like one of us” means what? And “images of unspeakable things” alludes to what specifically? Interest factor: the details that work well to peak my interest are “Pelias’s screams” and the “hellish drone.” What the heck are those about? I’d keep reading to find out. Prompt: 2 So I looked up Pelias in the expectation that I would see how the story works in context with the mythology surrounding him. The only connection I can see is Pelias being drawn from the ocean (Poseidon being his father). So it feels like a reach connecting the Pelias of mythology with this particular incident. Replace Pelias’s name with any other name, and nothing would be changed or lost, OR this could be about any guy named after the demi-god. In other words, the incident doesn’t seem particular to Pelias himself. Actually, the opening brought “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” and “Jonah and the Whale” to mind. The second strike is that the story is told from the Point of View of a sailor and not Pelias himself—and it would be soooo much fun reading a story from the POV of this power-hungry king, either in his fear of Jason or in the lead-up to being stabbed to death by his own duped daughters. Fun times. Total: 2.5
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ScienceGirl
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 25, 2021 5:58:08 GMT -6
Title: A Mistake Word count: 200 I was right, but there's no joy in that for me. I knew it was a bad idea from the moment he was brought onto the deck. Never before had I been so certain of anything. But nobody listened. “We don't get another chance like this in a lifetime,” the captain said, and the crew laughed with him. “We'll live like kings off the ransom, but if you're a chicken, all the more for us.” I could never forget that day. Not only was the young man completely unfazed, acting almost as though he was one of us rather than a captive at our mercy, but that serene smile on his face sent shivers down my spine. Something was wrong, and I cannot fathom how nobody else saw it. I may have been spared, but it doesn't feel like it. Pelias's screams rend my dreams to this day as surely as they did on that fateful night. That hellish drone from nowhere and yet everywhere echoes in my head still. Even now, images of unspeakable things I saw flash in front of my eyes when I close them. I can only hope that perhaps in recounting the events I might find a measure of peace. Technical: 2.5 I'm looking at your sentence structure, especially some really long wordy sentences that could be cut (like comma overuse) and some shorter ones that could be combined. You have several paragraphs starting with "I" which makes it look more like a poem than a story. Artistic: 2.5 Lots of use of passive verbs here. Was, have been. I'd really like to see more active verbs. I can't get a good picture of setting, place or time. Only the hint of captain, crew, and deck make me sense this is on a ship. Only the name Pelias hints at mythology. I don't know the weather or season. No character description, nothing to make me believe there's anything supernatural here. It could be a drone with some kind of firepower shooting bullets into the windows of the ship. A modern-day murderer would evoke similar screams. Prompt: 3 You do have several elements to add interest. The screams, drone, etc. are all effective in planting a crisis in the story. However, I have no clue as to who this narrator is. I think some random, not mythological sailor. If you'd written from the POV of Pelias, it would score you higher. Overall: 8/3 = 2.67 Overall 8/3 = 2.67 |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 7:27:54 GMT -6
Technical: 4
I didn't notice any glaring issues, just a few flow problems. Having the captain speak in the middle of a recollection was kinda jarring. It can work, I just think the way it was put in here was slightly awkward. Not overly so, but there it is.
Artistic: 4
These short prompts certainly bring out the short, choppy sentences from people. Not that that's a bad thing, just something I've noticed. You wanna be a little careful with that, but I don't think it was done poorly here. I enjoyed the read, and it really made me feel his horror at recounting what he had witnessed.
Prompt: 3
Unfortunately, I have no clue who the narrator is. You've got a mythological figure mentioned once, but I don't even know who the mysterious prisoner is. The one thing you do have going for you is that I do want to keep reading to see what happens next, so kudos!
4+4+3=11/3 = 3.67
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Post by Ruhaab on Jun 25, 2021 19:52:35 GMT -6
I was right, but there's no joy in that for me.
I knew it was a bad idea from the moment he was brought onto the deck. Never before had I been so certain of anything. But nobody listened.
“We don't get another chance like this in a lifetime,” the captain said, and the crew laughed with him. “We'll live like kings off the ransom, but if you're a chicken, all the more for us.”
I could never forget that day. Not only was the young man completely unfazed, acting almost as though he was one of us rather than a captive at our mercy, but that serene smile on his face sent shivers down my spine. Something was wrong, and I cannot fathom how nobody else saw it.
I may have been spared, but it doesn't feel like it. Pelias's screams rend my dreams to this day as surely as they did on that fateful night. That hellish drone from nowhere and yet everywhere echoes in my head still. Even now, images of unspeakable things I saw flash in front of my eyes when I close them.
I can only hope that perhaps in recounting the events I might find a measure of peace.
Technical - 2
To be honest, I didn't get the essence of the story. Yes, they were sailors on a ship, sailing somewhere. But everything is murky and hard to decipher as a reader's perspective. The entire prose needs some editing to make more interesting.
Artistic - 2.5
Need to have more imagination and vividness. As I found some sentences dull and weak. Try to use metaphors or smiles to make them more imaginative and colorful.
Prompt - 3
It didn't hook me to be honest.
Total - 2.5+2.5+3 = 8/3 = 2.66
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Jun 25, 2021 23:22:55 GMT -6
{I was right, but there's I got no joy from it in that for me. I knew iIt was a bad idea from the moment he was brought onto the deck. Never before had I been so certain of anything. But
Except nobody listened. “We don't get another chance like this in a lifetime,” the captain said, and the crew laughed with him. “We'll live like kings off the ransom, but if you're a chicken, all the more for us.” I could never forget that day. Not only was the young man completely unfazed, acting almost as though he was one of us rather than a captive at our mercy, but that serene smile on his face sent shivers down my spine. Something was wrong, and I cannot fathom how nobody else saw it. I may have been spared, but it doesn't feel like it. Pelias's screams rend my dreams to this day as surely as they did on that fateful night. That hellish drone (a combat drone? A futuristic drone?) from nowhere and yet everywhere echoes in my head still. Even now, images of unspeakable things I saw flash in front of my eyes when I close them. I can only hope that perhaps in recounting the events I might find a measure of peace.}
I am too late to this party, and seeing the other criticisms, I still want to throw in a little of my own. I like this opening from a dramatic standpoint. There is conflict, scared characters, someone extremely happy to make a capture. i can visualize this like its a story taking place at sea, but that's it. You need sensory details! I need to be immersed in the atmosphere as well as the drama. Making the narrator clearer will help. You have the point of view down.
I like the wording of the first line as well as the whole prompt. Its missing words that fill the image with not just internal, but external happenings.
Technical: 3.
Artistic: 3.
Prompt Use: 4.
10/3 = 3.33
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 26, 2021 20:07:54 GMT -6
Technical
Mechanically this is clean. I didn't catch anything in terms of grammar.
I had some trouble understanding what was going on. I have a feeling you have a clear story in mind but it's not completely coming through; I can't figure out what this story has to do with Pelias, since the myth doesn't have him die on a ship. It seems that the protagonist is one of the crew, but "the crew laughed with him" suggests they aren't. I get the sense they're a spirit or something who is on the voyage without being really part of the crew. 4.5
Artistic
Although I'm not clear on what's going on, I like how vivid the piece is, and it does hold my attention. This line stands out to me:
It feels so unearthly. What on the sea would have made such a drone? And what does it have to do with the captive? This makes me really curious about the situation, though I know that me saying that might be frustrating if you intended clarity rather than curiosity. The screams "rending my dreams" are also well done. Mythological component aside, this piece does a good job telling the reader just enough to generate interest while keeping up the mystery.
The protagonist's voice is strong and witty. The scene is creative and exciting: an eerily calm captive everyone else trusts turns out to be a supernatural danger. It's just missing the point of view, which I figure is the key part of the story that I'm lacking. Still I will give it a 5.
Prompt
It is probably much more connected to myth than I understand, but since I don't understand the connection, I will have to take off points for this. It mentions Pelias but lacks a particular connection to his myth as far as I can tell. 2
Score: 3.83
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 27, 2021 11:36:16 GMT -6
Technical
I noticed no glaring spelling or grammatical errors. Indeed, the composition of the piece was relatively perfect and clean as far as I could tell. However, it fell a little flat for me in terms of sparking my curiosity as to what was going on. Still, on a technical level, there's not much to complain about to be honest and to me, is the strongest aspect of this entry.
Score: 4.00
Artistic
This observation follows along the lines of the technical comments really. There was no issue with the wording, but I wasn't really inspired or interested enough to want to find out more of the story. I get that Pelias was brought on board a ship but I didn't truly get a sense of what was going down with him, except that it couldn't have been pleasant given his screams. However, not even that encouraged me to spend time on a continuation.
Score: 3.00
Prompt
I think this missed the mark regarding the POV of a mythological figure. The tale centers around Pelias (who was certainly a mythological character) but not told from his perspective. I did a little research and Pelias was apparenlty the one who commissioned Jason and the Argonauts. However, the tale says nothing about him sailing on the Argo, so I'm not sure how he came to be captured at sea, if this is a recounting of the Argo's travels...which it may well not be. It's very foggy to me as to who the narrator might be in this instance. Indeed, on reflection, the entire piece strikes me as somewhat obscure.
Score: 2.50
FINAL TOTAL: 3.16
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Post by yankoo on Jun 28, 2021 7:58:53 GMT -6
Technical elements:
Nicely structured and clear sentences. Makes it easy to follow and understand from the beginning. I think the word ‘perhaps’ in the last sentence is not necessary since “I can only hope” suggests the same idea. Grade: 4.5
Artistic elements:
I like the first sentence. It shows the character is quite mature and that he wouldn’t bs his way around the story. I like that the prisoner smiles, and would’ve loved if you described it rather than say that it sent shivers. Grade:4
Prompt: It is definitely interesting but it doesn’t really have much mythology elements in it. It might as well sound like they’ve been attacked by a submarine. Grade:3.5
final grade:4
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Post by Frostguard on Jul 3, 2021 7:40:43 GMT -6
Thank you all for the constructive remarks. Now that the contest is concluded, I think it's time I post some explanation. I've quite obviously missed my mark in several aspects of the story. I have made a few mistakes, one especially glaring, which detracted from the entry significantly and gave people the wrong idea of whom it's about. I'll start with the fatal flaw: Pelias here does not refer to King Pelias. It was a poor, rushed idea on my part. I was drawing close to the deadline. I needed a random Greek name, as I realized that I couldn't really make that part sound natural enough without referring to the person by name (which up to that point I'd been trying to avoid exactly so that I'd not give the reader the wrong idea). I just chose Pelias and went with it. In hindsight, reading the reviews, it was probably the biggest mistake by a pretty wide margin. With that out of the way, below be spoilers, so proceed only if you've given up on trying to interpret the story on your own (which I would not hold against you). This is supposed to be the intro to a retelling of a myth. The narrator is one Acoetes (at least in some versions), who is an ordinary human featured in a myth (which was, as far as I remember, allowed in the contest), albeit not a very well-known one. There are several versions of the story, so I'll spare the details for the most part. The gist of the story is that a couple of Tyrrhenian pirates find a young man on the coast. They take him to be a prince, based on his fine appearance, and kidnap him in hopes of a high ransom.
As it turns out, however, the young man is not a prince but Dionysus himself (who is, by the way, a much deeper, more interesting, and more nuanced character than his typical modern drunk party god depiction, but I could go on about that for hours, so let's skip it). Acoetes, the pilot of the crew, recognizes some hint of this and warns the rest of the crew to release him, but of course they don't listen. What exactly befalls the pirates is up to the exact version of the story you're reading, but generally some pretty freaky things happen, for example ropes turning into snakes, ivy overgrowing the ship in a single night, the sound of ghastly flutes heard from nowhere, to mention only a few. Their final fate can also differ, but in most versions Acoetes himself is spared. |
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ScienceGirl
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jul 3, 2021 8:51:39 GMT -6
Spoilers! I can't help myself LOL
That makes a lot more sense! It's a really cool idea. And even though you rushed it for the deadline, you still entered and put yourself out there, so that's huge success in my book. Maybe you can write out another intro since you're not on a time restriction and post it in the fiction forum (so you can go past 200 words) and let us see your vision. I'd love to read it.
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 3, 2021 9:52:46 GMT -6
Frostguard,
Been there, still am. I rush, it’s the most controllable thing I have the ability to do, but have been unable to, on any consistent basis. This applies to any and all timed challenges and contests.
I score all contests from the perspective of a reader, not editor or publisher. Why? To me, I’ve never read a book and said “Hey, they switched POV or this is a run on sentence or passive instead of active.
Your idea for a story and they way you presented it, from a readers POV was very good. You have tension, mystery, and conflict. The contest does have a technical aspect, but you have a very intriguing story, I think you should seriously pursue this story. 200 words is a contest limit. As a story, that limit disappears, your writing takes over. Yes, when edited, the parts mentioned will be caught and you and your editor will handle them and your writing will improve.
If you haven’t been following ScienceGirl’s writing help posts in the Resource thread, please do. Enter other contests and challenges here, the 100 word story is a good one
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Post by havekrillwhaletravel on Jul 4, 2021 3:23:43 GMT -6
Thank you all for the constructive remarks. Now that the contest is concluded, I think it's time I post some explanation. I've quite obviously missed my mark in several aspects of the story. I have made a few mistakes, one especially glaring, which detracted from the entry significantly and gave people the wrong idea of whom it's about. I'll start with the fatal flaw: Pelias here does not refer to King Pelias. It was a poor, rushed idea on my part. I was drawing close to the deadline. I needed a random Greek name, as I realized that I couldn't really make that part sound natural enough without referring to the person by name (which up to that point I'd been trying to avoid exactly so that I'd not give the reader the wrong idea). I just chose Pelias and went with it. In hindsight, reading the reviews, it was probably the biggest mistake by a pretty wide margin. With that out of the way, below be spoilers, so proceed only if you've given up on trying to interpret the story on your own (which I would not hold against you). This is supposed to be the intro to a retelling of a myth. The narrator is one Acoetes (at least in some versions), who is an ordinary human featured in a myth (which was, as far as I remember, allowed in the contest), albeit not a very well-known one. There are several versions of the story, so I'll spare the details for the most part. The gist of the story is that a couple of Tyrrhenian pirates find a young man on the coast. They take him to be a prince, based on his fine appearance, and kidnap him in hopes of a high ransom.
As it turns out, however, the young man is not a prince but Dionysus himself (who is, by the way, a much deeper, more interesting, and more nuanced character than his typical modern drunk party god depiction, but I could go on about that for hours, so let's skip it). Acoetes, the pilot of the crew, recognizes some hint of this and warns the rest of the crew to release him, but of course they don't listen. What exactly befalls the pirates is up to the exact version of the story you're reading, but generally some pretty freaky things happen, for example ropes turning into snakes, ivy overgrowing the ship in a single night, the sound of ghastly flutes heard from nowhere, to mention only a few. Their final fate can also differ, but in most versions Acoetes himself is spared. The contest is over, but I wish you'd continue working on this idea. As it is, the entry is vague and hazy. I feel it could do with a stronger narrative voice and more vivid descriptions. But the plot you've outlined in the spoiler is intriguing and I think your entry has the bones of a great story. I also like the narrator-retelling-the-story device, it gives your entry a really classical feel. I would definitely read this if you reworked and fleshed it out. |
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