Hook 'Em Contest Entry #7 - ruhaab

Technical Aspect:

So, this needs some editing but the essence of the piece is terrific tbh. I love this concept of a god being challenged by someone they believe to be inferior. Talk about a hard pill to swallow! The privilege and disbelief shown is so vulnerable and human, great job capturing that. 

Some of the sentences are structured awkwardly or are too long. Trim, trust the readers, and keep the action moving forward. Too many side thoughts can muddy up the pace. Make stronger verb choices and beware of repetitiveness. I feel like with a little work, this could seriously shine. You have some extra words to play with, too, after my edits. I'd loooove to see this expanded into a full story.

2

Artistic Elements:

The second paragraph really stood out artistically. Diving into his thoughts and feelings of shock really pulls me into the story. In fact, you could even start the story there and then give us setting details. 

I'd like less background explanation of the other people in the scene and more internal personal crisis. I'd like to see the beginning of a plan formulating at the end. Maybe sabotage? Give us a little nibble for us to read more. 

3

Prompt:

Does this hook me? Yes, but it takes until the second paragraph for me to become invested.

Is this told from the perspective of a mythical being? Yes! A god. I want to know more!

5

TOTAL:

10/3=

3.33

Consider: 

Arjuna, legendary prince of Ayodhya, tightly gripped his bloodspattered bow from the corner of the forest clearing. Now, he's an archer. Giving him the bow with blood on it not only establishes his skill, but also ups the stakes because the blood is effectively planted in the scene. 

Instead of telling us what he's looking at, show us what he sees. 

Guru Dronacharya, his teacher, shook a tightly-clenched fist at an old sage in the center of the grassy field, who responded with a dismissive wave. Their muffled, yet violent tones barely reached his ears. Notice how I added the grassy field to show it's a clearing. The tightly clenched fist shows the anger. I've given their voices an action, so it's more alive. 

Elklava, a forest barbarian, stood beside... 

Technical: 2.5 You have a bit to learn as far as writing techniques, but you do have the basic fundamentals of a good story underneath it all. You've started with immediate conflict, and lots of it. So even though you aren't getting the highest marks here, this is the easiest part to fix. A good edit takes care of technical issues. You can't edit a terrible plot. Only fix for that is to change it. So there's merit in what you have. Just buried under some common, fixable writing errors.

Artistic: 3 Consider your verb choice--lots of use of was, had, all passive verbs. Find some good verbs to show their emotions. Plant objects in their hands and around them to establish setting. Have Arjuna lean against a tree or something and we know he's in a forest. 

Prompt: 3.5 Your hook could be a bit stronger. I do think you have interesting elements for a hook, and you've got the mythical character part of this right. Just consider giving us that shock moment early. If you'd started with the second paragraph would even be stronger because that first one is just telling us a bunch of things you want readers to know. 

Overall: 3

Technical: I understand that the choice of character is fairly obscure (at least as far as the average Western reader's knowledge goes), but all those expository little half-sentences take much more away than they add, I feel. They break the flow of the story, and overall just really sound out of place. I do have a bias for subtle exposition, so this could be preference in part, but I'm pretty sure that they negatively affect the story regardless of that.
Putting that aside, there are other mistakes - people become good at something, not well at something, for example. Someone can be no match to someone else. To have no match means something else altogether. Things like that. I think I'll go with 2.

Artistic: It feels like it's definitely getting somewhere, and I like the tension that builds up, but the overdone exposition really kills it for me and breaks the mood. Some of the sentences are really well done, though. I'll give it 2.5.

Prompt: The mythological part checks out. I really feel that the hook suffers a little bit. I'd say 4.5.

Average: 3.00

Technical
The biggest issue I had on the technical front was not knowing what in the story to pay attention to, not following the narrative. When we first see Arjuna hiding in the forest, the teacher and a sage arguing, and a barbarian standing nearby, I don't know what I'm supposed to understand from these facts. I misunderstood the first paragraph, though maybe I don't know enough of the background. When I saw that Eklavya was standing with an effigy of Dronacharya and holding a bloody cloth, I thought he was threatening Dronacharya. I thought smearing the effigy with blood would be seen as a threat. I thought Arjuna was about to save his teacher from danger, so I was surprised that it was about envying someone who's better at archery.

I didn't get how Arjuna knows that Eklavya is better at archery. How did it go from witnessing an argumenta feeling competitive? Did he already learn earlier that Eklavya was a really good archer? In that case, it would be easier to understand if something in the text pointed to Arjuna's earlier experience with him. For example, maybe as soon as Arjuna sees this barbarian, he becomes filled with envy, remembering when he learned yesterday about Eklavya's impressive abilities. As it is, it's hard to understand whether they already know each other and what their relationship is, and how Eklavya has proven his skills.

A few wording issues to bring up: churning and brewing with his self-conceived moralityThis, while not ungrammatical, was confusing to me. "Self-conceived morality": does that mean he devised his own set of morals? And I don't know why morals are on his mind right now; the problem before him doesn't seem to be one of morals, at least not yet.
Should say "someone is far better in archery than me." The 'other' and 'better' are redundant because 'better' already compares the other person to him. Can't have someone 'better' without having someone 'other.'
Should it be Arjuna's?
"Stood before him"— it's just idiomatic.
"Became so good," or "so skillful." 
"Was no match." 2

Artistic
There seems to be an interesting story unfolding here. There's anger here and an impressive character. I just think it could benefit from being told differently.

The first sentence is a very slow way of introducing the story. All that happens is Arjuna is standing and watching two other people. At this point, things are confusing: is Arjuna the main character? Is he sneaking; do they not know that he's watching? Then we find that the two others are arguing, but we don't know anything about the meaning of the argument yet, what role it plays in the story: does he have a strong opinion on it? Is the argument frustrating or annoying or frightening? How are we supposed to feel about the argument? Only in the second paragraph do we learn what's going through Arjuna's mind. The fact that it takes so long to understand that makes us more distant from Arjuna's point of view. Even if the story is intended to be more distant and not close to Arjuna, it doesn't set itself up as that type of story either, since it begins right there in the action and gets close to Arjuna's thoughts in the second paragraph.

See, even though the story starts by explicitly describing who everyone is, it's still difficult to get. I would say the story could be conveyed with a lot less direct explanation, more just watching the story happen, and it might even be easier for the reader to understand that way. Here's a possible opening I wrote. I don't know if this is any good:
Arjuna crept closer to the clearing, bow tucked under his arm, but he still couldn't quite make out what Guru Dronacharya and the sage were yelling about. Did he just hear the name "Eklavya"? What could his teacher be saying about that barbarian? As Arjuna grew closer, he felt a surge of indignation upon glimpsing the face of Eklavya behind Dronacharya. Here was the man who had demonstrated that impressive feat of archery yesterday. How could it be that this simple Mleccha man, uneducated, living a deprived life, had not only learned archery but become so skillful that Arjuna was no match for him?

I don't know whether these were your intentions, but I tried to do a few things here. Using 'crept,' I show that the others don't know that he's there, but he's trying to hear. By the third sentence, I've shown Arjuna's distaste or anger towards Eklavya. By mentioning Eklavya's archery feat, I show the relationship between Arjuna and Eklavya: I show that they don't know each other well, but Arjuna has heard of him, and that the first thing that comes to his mind when he thinks of him is how amazing his archery skills are. Then I make it clear what "Mleccha" means without specifically defining it.
This is a spot where you could fit in a more concrete detail instead of just a generalization, for example, "The children in his village all grew up expecting Arjuna to be the greatest archer in the world," or "He recalled Dronachaya telling him when he was only a young boy, 'I see great talent in you. If you practice, you will easily be the greatest archer in the world.'"

I looked up this myth because I'm not familiar with it, and the story here doesn't seem to deviate much from the original. From this opening, it doesn't seem to be much more than a straight retelling. 2

Prompt
Indeed, it begins a story about a mythical character. 5

Score: 3

Technical elements; The longer sentences make it sound more like a fairytale, in a good way. Yes they need to be written better, but it’s a good start and with a little effort you can make it sound much better. Grade: 3


Artistic elements: I like this sentence:’Arjun’s mind was in turmoil, churning and brewing with his self-conceived morality and a new reality stood up before him. ‘ It’s not something you might read in many places. Well done for the element of mystery. It is simple but makes me curious. Grade: 3.5

Prompt: It’s a more realistic approach to myths which makes it quite unique. However, I would like it if you revealed a bit ore of what would come next. Grade:3.5
3.66