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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 15, 2021 7:55:39 GMT -6
The Waking and the Problem Boy
Consciousness began to bubble up for Tu’er Shen, and soon it came to a rolling boil. Warmed by the fire of a newly built shrine, the Leveret God felt himself burst into existence again, hearing his name in prayers for the first time in so long. How many years had he slept?
Taipei was much changed since he’d last seen it. Invisibly, he tasted of the rich libation and looked at the priest, looked at the new worshipers, men, some alone, some coupled; some, unlike before, with wedding rings.
Tu’er Shen harkened fast to the pleas of the singles. He delighted in matchmaking, and apart from the joy of bringing lovers together, his success would encourage devotion. Being awake was wonderful, and he wanted to stay in the people’s conscience this time.
Now, fifth or so on queue was a young man, alone. When it was his turn, he lowered his head. “O Tu’er Shen, the one I desired wouldn’t even speak to me. Please help me find a husband.”
Tu'er Shen studied this youth’s energy. He possessed a difficult character: sweet, yearning for love, but capable of a violent jealousy. This one would be a challenge.
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 20, 2021 20:37:37 GMT -6
The Waking and the Problem BoyConsciousness began to bubble up for Tu’er Shen, and soon it came to a rolling boil [Nice opening line]. Warmed by the fire of a newly built shrine, the Leveret God felt himself burst into existence again, hearing his name in prayers for the first time in so long. How many years had he slept? Taipei was much changed since he’d last seen it. Invisibly, he tasted of the rich libation and looked at the priest, looked at the new worshipers, men, some alone, some coupled; some, unlike before, with wedding rings. [This phrasing is awkward, but I'm unsure how to fix it. Suggestion: Invisibly, he tasted of the rich libation. He studied the priest and the new worshipers. Men, some alone, come coupled, and some, unlike before, wearing wedding rings.][Though that's a lot of commas. I'd also like a smidgen of Tu-er's personal thoughts like maybe "and some, he noticed with delight, wearing wedding rings." This is all personal preference, though. No points docked.]Tu’er Shen harkened fast to the pleas of the singles. He delighted in matchmaking, and apart from the joy of bringing lovers together, his success would encourage devotion. Being awake was wonderful, and he wanted to stay in the people’s conscience this time. Now, Fifth or so on queue was a young man, alone. When it was his turn, he lowered his head. “O Tu’er Shen, the one I desire d wouldn’t won't even speak to me. Please help me find a husband.” Tu'er Shen studied this youth’s energy. He possessed a difficult character: sweet, yearning for love, but capable of a violent jealousy. This one would be a challenge. Pretty clean! One awkward sentence I would personally change. Not sure if that semi-colon is necessary. A few words could be taken out or changed to create more urgency/immediacy. Overall a nice piece with an interesting POV! 4 Artistic Elements:The narrative voice seemed distant and a bit formal, especially for a love deity. I yearn for the voice to be stronger and spicier. Give him opinions and drive. As a god, of course he wants to be worshipped more and to do his job, but since we are in his head I want more character development moments. Little snippets. Maybe even change it from past tense to present tense. Give us more of a sense of who Tu-er Shen is when not doing his godly duties. 4 Prompt: Did this hook me? Yes! But I kind of lost interest half-way through. Not completely, but I was expecting it to build but it was quite tame for a love/sex deity. I did LOVE learning who Tu-er Shen is though! Such a great choice. 4 TOTAL:12/3= 4 |
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 21, 2021 12:03:21 GMT -6
The Waking and the Problem BoyConsciousness began to bubble up for Tu’er Shen, and soon it came to a rolling boil. Warmed by the fire of a newly built shrine, the Leveret God felt himself burst into existence again, hearing his name in prayers for the first time in so long. How many years had he slept? Taipei was much changed since he’d last seen it. Invisibly, he tasted of the rich libation and looked at the priest, looked at the new worshipers, men, some alone, some coupled; some, unlike before, with wedding rings. Tu’er Shen harkened fast to the pleas of the singles. He delighted in matchmaking, and apart from the joy of bringing lovers together, his success would encourage devotion. Being awake was wonderful, and he wanted to stay in the people’s conscience this time. Now, fifth or so on queue was a young man, alone. When it was his turn, he lowered his head. “O Tu’er Shen, the one I desired wouldn’t even speak to me. Please help me find a husband.” Tu'er Shen studied this youth’s energy. He possessed a difficult character: sweet, yearning for love, but capable of a violent jealousy. This one would be a challenge. There's so little I can pinpoint as an issue that I'm not even sure what to discuss in each of the criteria. Maybe some nitpicky stuff? Technical: 4.7 Hook: The last line squeaks in the hook. The rest is setup, building situation and character, so when we read that final line, it hits quite hard. Delectable. Well done. No issues with SPaG or other technical things. Very clean, professional, mature in craft. Artistic: 4.7 Word choice: I think there's a little more I can say about this one, but it's so nitpicky that it's rather pointless. The highlighted words struck me as vague and areas that could stand a little more development, but I can see these words having been resorted to due to word count limitations. If you decide to write this as a full-length story, maybe elaborate a little on those glossed-over areas? Setting: how did the city "change," what era are we looking at? Guessing our own time, given the context. Character: In what ways does waking feel good for this long-dormant god? Imagery: to an outsider looking in at this culture, what single detail might illustrate what this priesthood looks like? Shaved head, perhaps? Saffron robes maybe? I'm picturing Buddhist, but that's probably incorrect... Anyway, just thoughts for development if you decide to carry on. But none of it takes away anything critical for contest purposes. Prompt: 5 I am so eager to learn how this god helps this problem boy, whether or not it turns out well or tragic, and how the god and the boy get on together. No complaints. Total: 4.8 |
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 22, 2021 19:06:08 GMT -6
Consciousness began to bubble up for Tu’er Shen, and soon it came to a rolling boil. Warmed by the fire of a newly built shrine, the Leveret God felt himself burst into existence again, hearing his name in prayers for the first time in so long. How many years had he slept? I really like this line.
Taipei was much changed since he’d last seen it. Invisibly, he tasted of the rich libation and looked at the priest, looked at and the new worshipers. Men, some alone, some coupled; some, unlike before, with wedding rings.
Tu’er Shen harkened fast(not sure you need this word) to the pleas of the singles. He delighted in matchmaking, and apart from the joy of bringing lovers together, his success would encourage devotion. Being awake was wonderful, and he wanted to stay in the people’s conscience this time.
Now, fifth or so on queue was a young man, alone. When it was his turn, he lowered his head. “O Tu’er Shen, the one I desired wouldn’t even speak to me. Please help me find a husband.”
Tu'er Shen studied this youth’s energy. He possessed a difficult character: sweet, yearning for love, but capable of a violent jealousy. This one would be a challenge.
Technical Aspect: Hook- got that,I'd read onfor sure. A few changes for reading sake. I Tu'er Shen omniscent as he knew the young man was violently jealous? Maybe just me. A verygood opening. Score: 4.8
Artistic Aspect: If I could write narration, even half as good as this...well, to dream the impossible dream. I thought about you having him invisable and that makes sense, though some confusion. Would rewording it as they prayed to his statue/idol?I do like how you protrayed Tu'er Shen. Score:4.5
Prompt: Yeah,you had a line not in his POV but, it was still about or directed at Tu'er Shen, so for me no big deal.Score: 4.5
Final score: 4.8 + 4.5 + 4.5=13.8/3=4.6
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 25, 2021 4:57:05 GMT -6
The Waking and the Problem BoyConsciousness began to bubble up for Tu’er Shen, and soon it came to a rolling boil. Warmed by the fire of a newly built shrine, the Leveret God felt himself burst into existence again, hearing his name in prayers for the first time in so long. Could we maybe get a dialogue here before this opening line. Maybe italics, like the God senses the thought? How many years had he slept? Nice use of deep POV thought here Taipei was much changed since he’d last seen it. This line is kind of a jump for me. Is he at a high point looking over the whole city? What evidence is he seeing to justify this line? Invisibly, he tasted of the rich libation But clever setting detail here. and looked at the priest, looked at the new worshipers, men, some alone, some coupled; some, unlike before, with wedding rings. He looked at everything, but we see none of it. What was different about these men?Tu’er Shen harkened fast to the pleas of the singles. He delighted in matchmaking, and apart from the joy of bringing lovers together, his success would encourage devotion. Being awake was wonderful, and he wanted to stay in the people’s conscience this time. Again, I'd love to see some dialogue here. Some physical action by this God showing his delight. Let the singles respond and such. I know we only have 200 words here, but without letting your readers see this detail, they'd lose interest before ever getting to your hook. Now, fifth or so on queue was a young man, alone. When it was his turn, he lowered his head. “O Tu’er Shen, the one I desired wouldn’t even speak to me. Please help me find a husband.” Tu'er Shen studied this youth’s energy. He possessed a difficult character: sweet, yearning for love, but capable of a violent jealousy. This one would be a challenge. Technical: 4.5 Just nitpicky things, really, but a few places you could be more concise. I marked a couple of things above. Artistic: 3 In this prompt, we're looking for the larger than life personality. We need dialogue and details. There's not much action to hold interest, just the thoughts in his head. Prompt: 3.5 This was a really interesting choice to use. I feel like your hook itself could be stronger, more compelling. What's really at stake for this God? He's going to be mildly frustrated that it would be a challenge to find a husband for this youth throughout the story? Overall: 4.5 + 3 + 3.5 = 11/3 = 3.67 |
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Post by Ruhaab on Jun 25, 2021 5:41:11 GMT -6
Technical - 3.5
Consciousness began to bubble up for Tu’er Shen, and soon it came to a rolling boil. Warmed by the fire of a newly built shrine, the Leveret God felt himself burst into existence again It would be more interesting that instead of telling directly that he is a god, we would get to know by indirect means, hearing his name in prayers for the first time in so long. How many years had he slept?
Everything is good in it. Clean, simple, and intriguing.
Artistic - 3.5
Good some portion are perfectly formed like Consciousness began to bubble up for Tu’er Shen, and soon it came to a rolling boil. Warmed by the fire of a newly built shrine.
Prompt - 2
I felt vagueness here. I didn't get much from his perspective. It should be more vivid.
Total - 3.5+3.5+2 = 3
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Post by havekrillwhaletravel on Jun 25, 2021 5:47:34 GMT -6
Technical Elements
I get what you're trying to say but the use of "invisibly" feels weird and sticks out.
Maybe it's just me, but this line feels strange.
There's a few awkward lines here and there, but overall this is great. Score = 4
Artistic Elements
This is a great line, using boiling water to represent consciousness.
I love the tone you chose for this piece. It feels impersonal and formal, almost detached in a way. It makes the entry feel like a story in a compendium of folk tales.
I also thought the stakes were succinctly established. Tu'er has to work some miracles if he wants to stick around this time, but it's his first day back on the job and he's already stumbled by a challenge.
Personally, I wish you provided more description of the priest and worshipers, though I understand why you chose not to, given the tight word count. More importantly, I wish we could've seen more of the Tu'er's personality. Just a short line or two so we get a better idea of Tu'er themselves.
Score = 3.5
Prompt
Full marks. Love the choice of deity, and I'm eager to read more. Score = 5
Total Score = (4 + 3.5 + 5) / 3 = 4.17
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 6:41:39 GMT -6
Technical: 4
There were a few words that seemed transposed "on queue" instead of "in queue". Things like that. I'm pretty sure it should be "in queue".
Artistic: 4
Ok descriptions. I didn't really FEEL that he was a god, but it is an interesting concept, that he sleeps when not actively worshipped.
Prompt: 4
I can't say this really hooked me all that much. There are a few questions I have that would likely make me read through the first chapter. Why had it been so long since he'd been beseeched? And why, all of a sudden, were bunches of people coming to him, if it had been long enough that the city had changed? It seems like inconstancies, though I can give it the benefit of the doubt since it's only the first few hundred words.
4+4+4=12/3 = 4
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Post by Frostguard on Jun 26, 2021 10:49:19 GMT -6
Technical: There are a few nitpicks I could go on, but I don't think they're worth that much. Usually slightly strange wording choices - for example, anyone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but "he tasted of the rich libation" should perhaps be either "he tasted some of the rich libation" or "he tasted the rich libation". Some prepositions I'd have chosen differently, things like that. Nothing too serious, I'd say. Altogether not much else to mention. I think this one's 4.4.
Artistic: The story feels a little lacking here, although I'm not quite sure why. Most of the lines didn't feel particularly alive, so to speak, more factual. It feels like it's not too alive, so to speak. It builds up, gradually, especially with the last sentence, but it's perhaps a little slow. I'll go with 4.0.
Prompt: Nothing to complain about here, except perhaps as a hook it was not perfectly successful. I'll give it 4.8.
Average: 4.40
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 26, 2021 12:46:20 GMT -6
Technical
Feels a little "clunky" and/or awkward in places, but overall, a good opening with a nice hook. I couldn't find much at all in the way of grammatical or spelling issues. Indeed, I was interested from the get-go, so that was a plus.
Score: 4.00
Artistic
Had to research Tu'er Shen and was absolutely delighted with the information I found. The character is portrayed beautifully without giving too much away as to his values and aspirations. Love that this was inspired by one of the more obscure deities and what he has come to represent...or maybe always did. Makes me wish I'd gotten further into "American Gods" now. I'll have to dust it off and give it another shot.
Score: 4.75
Prompt
Could not be more on point, in my opinion. Great choice of mythological figure which is definitely one of the more unknown (to me anyway) and a hook that makes the reader want to keep on reading.
Score: 5.00
FINAL TOTAL: 4.58
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 27, 2021 17:48:54 GMT -6
Technical
I didn't catch anything in terms of grammar, and the point of view was consistent. 5
Artistic
There is some good prose here. The first couple sentences are well done, playing with a metaphor of warmth as consciousness. But overall I found the story to have a dullness.
Within the word count constraints, there were a few places where you could have used an illustrative detail rather than a generalization. Instead of saying Taipei was "much changed," for example, you could have said how it's changed: busier, maybe, or different forms of transportation, appropriately to his point of view of course. As it is, that particular spot in the story seems like it's been moved on from too quickly. "Taipei was much changed," but no follow-up sentence that I was expecting to tell how it has changed. He "harkened fast to the pleas of the singles," but what does that actually look like?
I get that he "delights in matchmaking" and that he's happy to be back in existence, but other than that, I didn't particularly feel his delight. Even just a word here and there could help give a sense of how he feels about things. He tastes the libation, for example. Is he eager to? Is it tasty? This piece is a start, but could use a little more work to make it catchy. 3
Prompt
It works. In the point of view of a god I haven't heard of. 5
Score: 4 1/3
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Post by yankoo on Jun 28, 2021 7:50:45 GMT -6
Technical elements: the vocabulary used is suitable for the story and the character. However, this sentence: (Invisibly, he tasted of the rich libation and looked at the priest, looked at the new worshipers, men, some alone, some coupled; some, unlike before, with wedding rings.) is a bit complicated and not sure why the choice of the word “Invisibly”. Grade:3.5
Artistic elements: its simplicity is its strength. Nothing too much, nothing forced. However, I would imagine a different voice from one who thrives on matching lovers. Grade: 3.5
Prompt:It’s a great choice of deity and intriguing set-up. it was captivating in the beginning, only to be slightly confused about what’s so special about the young man who’s asking for help. In other words, what made Tu’er Shen find in the boy’s energy so challenging Grade:3.5
final grade; 3.5
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 28, 2021 22:48:08 GMT -6
Thanks, everyone! You have brought up good points and I have a good idea how I could've written a better hook. More concreteness, more character, and a stronger perspective would have served me well.
Yes, I spent hours looking through mythological figures for this. Pulled a Greek mythology book off the shelf; looked at Wikipedia pages such as its list of dogs in folklore. In the end, part of why I was interested in writing about Tu'er Shen was this, from Wikipedia:
Here is a god who's becoming important again in modern times as society changes for the better. That raises the issue for my fictional world: are all gods real? Why this pantheon and not another? I know there are people out there who believe all gods are real, maybe all being different manifestations of the same entities, or having been created through belief. I can sort of believe the latter. People of many religions have had experiences with their gods, after all, through prayer or mystical states.
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