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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 15, 2021 7:54:26 GMT -6
Title: Reborn in Captivity
Word Count: 200
Today I died. Today, I was reborn.
The ashes surround me, pressing in on me. They comfort me.
Noise in the distance. Bad noise. Like steel hitting steel. But what is steel? A...battle?
I try to remember, but thoughts are hard. Painful. Instead, I curl into the ash, basking in its warmth. All is glowing. All is wonderful.
Something moves, pushing through my comforting ash. A hand! I feel its rough fingers reach for me. It is larger than I am. I squirm and wiggle and find the thicker spots of ash to push myself into. Five fingers come searching for me...searching...
The fingers grip me. I cry out as the thing lifts me into the air. I’ve never been this high before. I’ve never done anything before.
But that’s...wrong. In my mind, I can see mountains like small hills, as I soar above the world far below. A memory?
The flash is gone, and I stare into the face of my enemy. Of my...killer...
It spoke, and somehow, I understood. "You'll fetch a great price, won't you, Pretty Bird?.”
I instinctively try to ignite my feathers. Nothing happens. I am too young. He laughs as the smoke curls around his fingers.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 18, 2021 10:45:22 GMT -6
Title: Reborn in Captivity Word Count: 200 Today I died. Today, I was reborn. The ashes surround me, pressing in on me. They comfort me. Noise in the distance. Bad noise. Like steel hitting steel. But what is steel? A...battle? (This highlighted sentence was the only time I was tossed from the narrative. Something about the phrasing reads, to me, like a rhetorical question, a philosophical pondering, rather than a question framed by honest confusion. At this point I didn't yet realize who the narrator was, so it was probably the lack of context combined with how the question is phrased that caused the issue.)I try to remember, but thoughts are hard. Painful. Instead, I curl into the ash, basking in its warmth. All is glowing. All is wonderful. Something moves, pushing through my comforting ash. A hand! I feel its rough fingers reach for me. It is larger than I am. I squirm and wiggle and find the thicker spots of ash to push myself into. Five fingers come searching for me...searching... (a bit of redundancy highlighted here. Repeated concepts can be deleted to make way for enlightening new ones.)The fingers grip me. I cry out as the thing lifts me into the air. I’ve never been this high before. I’ve never done anything before. But that’s...wrong. In my mind, I can see mountains like small hills, as I soar above the world far below. A memory? The flash is gone, and I stare into the face of my enemy. Of my...killer... It spoke, and somehow, I understood. "You'll fetch a great price, won't you, Pretty Bird? .” (pesky lingering period)I instinctively try to ignite my feathers. Nothing happens. I am too young. He laughs as the smoke curls around his fingers. : 4.7 Hook: The opening two sentences had me immediately, and then to learn so quickly and effortlessly what they referred to ... well done. And then to learn that the phoenix didn't immolate itself but was murdered! And the villain's goal to reduce such a magical creature to a commodity! Yep, I'd turn the page. The POV is spot-on, tight and believable. Artistic: 4 Character: I didn't expect to feel such sympathy for the phoenix in this ashy state, but its confusion, its struggle to avoid capture and save itself, only to fail, all caused this poor creature to tug at my heartstrings. Word choice: I noted a couple of instances where the text could be tightened and/or varied a bit more. But overall, the narration is clear and engaging, unburdened, and causes me to ask the right kind of questions. Voice/style: The short simple sentences are so appropriate for a phoenix in its infancy. Prompt: 5 Wonderfully done exploration of the phoenix between its immolation and its rebirth! Total: 4.57 |
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 19, 2021 10:58:16 GMT -6
Title: Reborn in Captivity Word Count: 200 Love the choice of the phoenix. Today I died. Today, I was reborn. The ashes surround me, pressing in on me. They comfort me. Some repetition here. You have three me's in this sentence. I think you're trying to be poetic but it's pulling me out of the text when I notice it. Also, you give two actions in a few places where one would suffice. If the ashes are pressing in, then they surround. If something pushes, it moves. I think tightening can help. Comforting ashes press in on me. A bad noise in the distance.Noise in the distance. Bad noise. Like steel hitting steel. But what is steel? A...battle? I try to remember, but thoughts are Remembering is hard. Painful. Instead, I curl into the ash, basking in its warmth. Even the comfort of the ash is becoming repetitive here. We are several lines in and waiting for the hook, so maybe cut some of that back and send our focus. All is glowing and. All is wonderful. Something moves, pushing pushes through my comforting ash. A hand! Being mysterious can be effective, but since your goal is to hook us quickly, why take the extra sentence to do this? Maybe just say: Rough fingers push through my comforting ash. Also, instead of the bird telling what it feels, let's feel it with the bird. The hand, larger than I am, squeezes, and I squirm away. I feel its rough fingers reach for me. It is larger than I am. I squirm and wiggle and find the thicker spots of ash to push myself into. Five fingers come searching for me...searching... The fingers grip me. I cry out as the thing lifts me into the air. I’ve never been this high before. I’ve never done anything before. But that’s...wrong. In my mind, I can see I've scaled mountains like small hills, as I soar above the world far below. A memory? The flash is gone, and I stare into the face of my enemy. Of my...killer... Let us see this face.It spoke, and somehow, I understood. You've told us the enemy spoke before giving the dialogue. "You'll fetch a great price, won't you, Pretty Bird?.” I instinctively try to ignite my feathers. Nothing happens. I am too young. He laughs as the smoke curls around his fingers. Generally it's better to have a new paragraph when you have two different characters completing actions.
Technical: 4
I noted several things above, but the one thing I didn't mention is that I kind of got tripped up with the repetition of I and me, especially in your sentence starts. It affects the overall flow. Above, the line where The fingers grip me--I cry, I've never seen, I've never done, I can see, I scaled, I soar, I star, I understood, I instinctively try, I am too young. That's so easy to do in first person. Just a bit of rephrasing to work around that would take this entry to a whole new level. Artistic: 4
I kind of addressed word choice above, but also am considering how little I understand this villain. Make me feel fear. Let me see the face, too, so I can empathize with what the bird is going through Prompt: 5Absolutely loved your choice of the phoenix. GREAT idea. Overall: 4 + 4 + 5 = 13/3 = 4.33 |
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 20, 2021 20:38:59 GMT -6
Today I died. Today, I was reborn.
The ashes surround me, pressing in on me. They comfort me.
Noise in the distance. Bad noise. Like steel hitting steel. But what is steel?If the narator doesn't know what steel is why call it that?, Describe it as the sounds of battle. A...battle?
I try to remember, but thoughts if you're remembering something, isn't it thoughts? Perhaps say it but it's hard. are hard. Painful. Instead, I curl into the ash, basking in its warmth. All is glowing. All is wonderful. I do like this line, it's descriptive, intriguing, and has caught my imagination.
Something moves, pushing through my comforting ash. A hand! I feel its rough fingers reach for me. It is larger than I am. I squirm and wiggle and find the thicker spots of ash to push myself into. Five fingers come searching for me...searching...
The fingers grip me. I cry out as the thing lifts me into the air. I’ve never been this high before. I’ve never done anything before.
But that’s...wrong. In my mind, I can see mountains like small hills, as I soar above the world far below. A memory?
The flash is gone, and I stare into the face of my enemy. Of my...killer...
It spoke, and somehow, I understood. "You'll fetch a great price, won't you, Pretty Bird?.”
I instinctively try to ignite my feathers. Nothing happens. I am too young. He laughs as the smoke curls around his fingers.
Technical Aspect: I mention some wording issues, the one about steel jumped out at me. The other is more of an option. The narration is well convieved and executed. Score: 4.5
Artistic Aspect: This is amost enjoyable opening. All...deep POV. I felt the stress and perdicament of the newborn Pheonix, an excellent choice.Score:5
Prompt Use: Spot on Score:5
Final Score: 4.5 + 5 + 5=14.5/3=4.83 Thanak you for participating and sharing an enjoyable story.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2021 17:48:05 GMT -6
Technical: 4
Mostly well done. Like one of the other posts, the short words can come across right if it's done for a reason. Having them be the thoughts of what I'm gathering is a newborn Phoenix makes sense. That'll tie in with the Artistic side. Be careful with word use. The question about 'steel' could probably have been left out altogether, as I agree with some of the others, it didn't quite fit for some reason. Wording, maybe? I don't know, but it would need a fix.
Artistic: 5
I liked what you did with the Phoenix mythos. Having the thoughts, especially at the beginning, be simple and uncomplicated, presumably because it was just reborn, fit really well. I could, at least, feel the warmth of the ash as it was, essentially, its own dead body incubating its newborn state. Nice touch.
Prompt: 5
Definitely a Phoenix, and definitely from it's POV, so kudo's there. As a hook, I am left wondering who killed the great bird, how did the battle go, and where is the poor creature headed now? Will it get its memories? So many questions! That's exactly where you want the first 200 words to bring your reader.
4+5+5=14/3= 4.66
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Post by Ruhaab on Jun 24, 2021 23:07:58 GMT -6
Today I died. Today, I was reborn.
The ashes surround me, pressing in on me. They comfort me.
Noise in the distance. Bad noise. Like steel hitting steel. But what is steel? A...battle?
This sentence seems to me like an irregular stone forcefully put on a well-structured wall. Need to use something different here.
I try to remember, but thoughts are hard. Painful. Instead, I curl into the ash, basking in its warmth. All is glowing; All is wonderful.
Something moves, pushing through my comforting ash (Need more editing to make it more impressive). A hand! I feel its rough fingers reach for me. It That is larger than I am. I squirm and wiggle and find the thicker spots of ash to push myself into This sentence doesn't seem appropriate in the first POV. Five fingers come searching for me...searching...
The fingers grip me. I cry out as the thing lifts me into the air. I’ve never been this high before. I’ve never done anything before.
But that’s...wrong. In my mind, I can see mountains like small hills, as I soar above the world far below. A memory?
The flash is gone, and I stare into the face of my enemy. Of my...killer...
It spoke, and somehow, I understood. "You'll fetch a great price, won't you, Pretty Bird?.”
I instinctively try to ignite my feathers. Nothing happens. I am too young . He laughs as the smoke curls around his fingers.
Technical - Did a good job. Need some editing in some part. It's always difficult to swing between the narration and first POV. Still I love how you depict vividly the mentality of a phoenix and how it felt to born again. Very beautiful. Some sentences need through restructuring to make it more suitable in the context.
Score - 3.5
Artistic - The beginning gave a chill - Two simple sentences but beautifully written - Today I died. Today, I was born. Amazing. I curl into the ash, basking in its warmth. All is glowing; All is wonderful. This line is amazing as well. How imaginative it feels really.
Only this line I don't feel upto the mark - But that’s...wrong. In my mind, I can see mountains like small hills, as I soar above the world far below. A memory? Seems more editing and work.
Score - 4
Prompt - Did a great job - Score 5
Total - 3
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 25, 2021 15:42:06 GMT -6
Technical
Beautiful opening sequence. Had me hooked from the get-go. A bit repetitive with the phrasing of the subject's observations perhaps, but I get the feeling this originated from a stylistic viewpoint. Otherwise, I noticed no glaring grammatical or spelling errors.
Score: 4.5
Artistic
Great job at eliciting sympathy for the Phoenix here. I realized the identity of the bird the minute ashes were mentioned. But this was not necessarily a bad thing. A little more mystery might have been nice but given the essential core of this entry, I think an identity reveal early on was likely a given. I would, however, dearly like to know who it is that treats this poor bird with such cruelty. I will add that it broke my heart that the Phoenix was too young to regenerate. I'm such a softie when it comes to the underdog.
Score: 4.8
Prompt
What a wonderful choice was the Phoenix. I do wish its envisioned future was brighter....but that's just a personal comment and has no bearing on the fact that this was a wonderful example of a mythical creature and the way to go when creating a hook.
Score: 5.0
FINAL TOTAL: 4.76
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Post by Frostguard on Jun 26, 2021 10:31:28 GMT -6
Technical: There are a few places where the writing feels a little clumsy, to be entirely honest.
The "Bad noise" just feels really off. It doesn't feel like it does anything here. It's not really descriptive, it's a little like trying to tell the reader what to think, telling and not showing. I'd have done away with it altogether, since a better description follows it anyway. A few more elements like this are also present. The question "But what is steel?" feels like it's not the question the phoenix was actually asking itself.
These aside, the short sentences do a good job of instilling a sense of tension, although at a point or two it felt a little too dramatic for its own good. I'll go with 3.5.
Artistic: Definitely does its job. Evokes sympathy for the bird. On occasion it felt a little overdone, but no real complaints about anything here. I'll say 4.7.
Prompt: Everything checks out here, I don't really think I need to say more. It's a 5.
Average: 4.40
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 26, 2021 22:31:58 GMT -6
Technical
I guess it's important with this story to be consistent about what the phoenix can remember from their past life. They seem to be on the verge of forgetting that the sound of clashing steel could mean a battle. However, they remember hands and fingers, human laughter, and humans more broadly— at least they're not like "What is this big creature grabbing at me?" They understand the concept of being sold. But, everything here is believable enough for me, and acknowledgement is made that their past life understanding of the world is slipping away.
Doesn't need to be capitalized unless it's the character's new name or nickname, which maybe it is. And I guess the punctuation's a typo. 4.5
Artistic
Punchy opening sentences. I would either put the comma after "Today" in both sentences or leave it out in both, for the sake of parallelism.
Stylistically it's very consistent, being quite conversational, breezy, stream-of-consciousness? I think it's an appropriate choice of style for the very mental, internally-focused story this is shaping up to be, where memory and identity are playing a big role. I like the way the phoenix describes the snuggling into the comforting ash: the way it's said and the way the shape of the ash and their goal kind of fill up their entire mind feel a lot like the way one thinks when waking up.
Personally I'd take out the second "searching"— at this point the voice is already established and it feels a bit much, and it doesn't really feel like a thing that'd be repeated anyway since it's not the phoenix who's searching. But I'm nitpicking.
The ellipses, the question marks, and bits like "I’ve never been this high before. I’ve never done anything before." and " Painful. Instead, I curl into the ash, basking in its warmth. All is glowing. All is wonderful." really make the prose more speech-like than writing-like. Specifically it sounds like someone narrating out loud, trying to explain things exactly as they come into their head, and having to pause for thought or to process something intense, or having to correct themselves and situations and emotions change.
The choice of a phoenix and this beginning have the potential for a really interesting and thoughtful story. Are they 'the same person' as before the rebirth? How does their experience compare to the usual association of the phoenix with renewal and perseverance? 4.5
Prompt
In the point of view of a phoenix in a dangerous conundrum. 5
Score: 4.67
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 27, 2021 16:39:06 GMT -6
Today I died. Today, I was reborn. [Such a great opening! Hooks me right off the bat.]The ashes surround me, pressing in on me. They comfort me. Noise in the distance. Bad noise. Like steel hitting steel. But what is steel? A...battle? [When I read this all a second time it occurs to me this might be a cage being constructed. The first time it did distract a bit from the rebirth sequence as I was still wondering what the sound was as I continued reading.]I try to remember, but thoughts are hard [If you decide to expand this, I'd love a bit more descriptive language here but for a word limited piece this works. It gets across the point.]. Painful. Instead, I curl into the ash, basking in its warmth. All is glowing. All is wonderful. Something moves, pushing through my comforting ash. A hand! I feel its rough fingers reach for me. It is larger than I am. I squirm and wiggle and find the thicker spots of ash to push myself into. Five fingers come searching for me...searching... The y fingers grip me. I cry out as the thing lifts me into the air [Passive voice, would prefer: I cry out as I am lifted into the air.]. I’ve never been this high before. I’ve never done anything before. But that’s...wrong. In my mind, I can see mountains like small hills, as I soar above the world far below. A memory? The flash is gone, and I stare into the face of my enemy. Of my...killer... [Intrigue!!]It spoke, and somehow, I understood. "You'll fetch a great price, won't you, Pretty Bird? .” I instinctively try to ignite my feathers. Nothing happens. I am too young. He laughs as the smoke curls around his fingers. [And a great closing line, too!] This is very clean! The opening line snags my attention right away and the rest of the piece delivers in both intrigue and uniqueness. I love the little clues here and there, like the steel sounds. Even though that isn't mentioned again and I wonder if it's necessary, in retrospect it does add some setting details that I wish was explored more. There are some repetitious wording with fingers being used four times. In a piece that's 200 words or less, using a descriptive word so many times can be a distraction. Repetition can be used as a tool to highlight something you wish to highlight, otherwise it detracts from other more interesting details. 4 Artistic Elements:I find myself wanting more descriptive imagery but I also completely respect that using simplistic words is the point. This phoenix is a baby, brand new, reborn. Everything is being recreated including its language skills and prior life experiences. So flowery imagery and descriptive language wouldn't fit. So that in and of itself is an artistic choice. Well done! 4.5 Prompt:Phoenix! Plus a great hook, so it fulfills the prompt perfectly. 5 TOTAL:13.5/3 = 4.5 |
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Post by yankoo on Jun 28, 2021 7:49:26 GMT -6
Technical elements: attracts the attention starting with a nice, poetic sounding few sentences. The technique is essential in describing how confused and afraid the little bird feels and you do it well. I would avoid using the word ‘ash’ so many times in just a few sentences.Grade: 4
Artistic elements:You transmit well the emotions of the bird as well as the cruelty of the world. I’m sure with more time to polish it, you would make it more stylistically pleasant and original. Grade: 3.5
Prompt: `it’s a very interesting choice of mythical creature. However there is not much mystery and some readers might find the story predictable. Grade: 3.5
final grade 3.66
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ScienceGirl
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 28, 2021 22:15:05 GMT -6
Congrats! I hope you'll expand it and let us see more. I think a phoenix could be a great protagonist.
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 28, 2021 22:36:54 GMT -6
Tglassy, another one of your excellent compositions.
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 28, 2021 23:30:21 GMT -6
One of my favorite entries! Congrats and well done!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2021 7:24:29 GMT -6
Thank you, everyone, for reading and voting on this entry! I've had a rough year where writing is concerned, so it's nice to hear so many people enjoyed reading my submission.
I don't know if I'll be developing this any further. I've had such a hard time with longer stories lately. I can plot settings until the cows come home, but plots just...elude me. But, I do have a strong conflict right here, a little mystery, and a POV character that is, if not relatable, at least sympathetic. Maybe I'll think about expanding it a bit, and see where it goes.
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