|
|
Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 15, 2021 7:51:25 GMT -6
Untitled
I watch the man. Lost. Stumbling. Desperate to find a way out of the bog. The last of the daylight fades. Darkness fills the space around him like the marsh water fills his footprints in the mud.
Stepping out from my hiding place, warm blue light glows from deep within my core. Beckoning. Follow. It is safe. Follow if you want to live.
The man gawks. His wan mud-streaked face cycles through shock, terror, exhaustion...and hope.
I flit around like a firefly, though I am no insect. Follow.
Others like me light the path beyond. Follow us.
A twig snaps on the ground. The sound jolts through me like a lightning strike.
Concealed by shadow, it comes.
He must follow or it will find him. Take him.
Brighter my light shines, more urgently do I flicker. Follow! Now!
Uncertainty radiates from him like heatwaves. He takes one step. Then another.
Yes! Quickly!
A rustle of reeds is the only warning. Swift as a hummingbird, but far more bloodthirsty, it snatches the man away. Not even a footprint left as memory.
My light dims. Desire unfulfilled. Another night; another stolen. Weariness engulfs me. I am running out of time.
|
|
|
|
Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 17, 2021 15:46:34 GMT -6
UntitledI watch the man. Lost. Stumbling. Desperate to find a way out of the bog. The last of the daylight fades. Darkness fills the space around him like the marsh water fills his footprints in the mud. Stepping out from my hiding place, warm blue light glows from deep within my core. Beckoning. Follow. It is safe. Follow if you want to live.The man gawks. His wan mud-streaked face cycles through shock, terror, exhaustion...and hope. I flit around like a firefly, though I am no insect. Follow.Others like me light the path beyond. Follow us.A twig snaps on the ground. The sound jolts through me like a lightning strike. Concealed by shadow, it comes. He must follow or it will find him. Take him. Brighter my light shines, more urgently do I flicker. Follow! Now!Uncertainty radiates from him like heatwaves. He takes one step. Then another. Yes! Quickly!A rustle of reeds is the only warning. Swift as a hummingbird, but far more bloodthirsty, it snatches the man away. Not even a footprint left as memory. My light dims. Desire unfulfilled. Another night; another stolen. Weariness engulfs me. I am running out of time. IMO, you nailed it. Technical: 4.7Hook: There's little in this opening that isn't a magnetic. From "follow if you want to live" onward, I want to see what happens. And then that last line is a kicker. This will o' the wisp wants more than just to lead travelers astray! Which also brings me to unexpected character development. SPaG: couldn't find any slips, yay. Artistic: 4.7Character: As if exploring the thoughts and motives of a creature that's usually depicted as mindless wasn't fun enough. The initial expectation that the man would also develop into an important character is disrupted by some nameless malice. A truer malice than the will o' the wisp. So double surprise.
Voice/style: this is so tight and vivid and beautifully phrased and evocative. Summons all kinds of emotion and ambiance without telling the reader what to feel or imagine. No complaints. Prompt: 5
The will o' the wisp! Unexpected and delightful to read from such a creature's perspective -- and that it has more purpose than just mindless misdirection. Total: 4.8 |
|
|
|
Post by pelwrath on Jun 17, 2021 20:53:12 GMT -6
I watch the man. Lost.(and here instead of one word sentanes? SPaG,not my forte) Stumbling. Desperate to find a way out of the bog. The last of the daylight fades. Darkness fills the space around him like the marsh water fills his footprints in the mud.
Stepping(?) out from my hiding place, warm blue light glows from deep within my core. Beckoning. Follow. It is safe. Follow if you want to live.If this is an action,how did they beckon?
The man gawks. His wan mud-streaked face cycles through shock, terror, exhaustion...and hope.
I flit(in conflict with them stepping out above) around like a firefly, though I am no insect. Follow.
Others like me light the path beyond. Follow us.
A twig snaps on the ground. The sound jolts through me like a lightning strike.
Concealed by shadow, it comes.
He must follow or itthe wisp knows of the creature, I washoping for a name will find him. Take him.
Brighter my light shines, more urgently do I flicker. Follow! Now!
Uncertainty radiates from him like heatwaves. He takes one step. Then another.
Yes! Quickly!
A rustle of reeds is the only warning. Swift as a hummingbird, but far more bloodthirsty, it snatches the man away. Not even a footprint left as memory.
My light dims. Desire unfulfilled. Another night; another stolen. Weariness engulfs me. I am running out of time.
Technical Aspect: A very well witten opening, very enjoyable, intriguing and yes, I'd read on from here. The one thing I noticed and maybe I misunderstood but the wisp steps out from a hiding place, yet flits about the rest of the time. I mentioned a SPaG concern but as I'm hardly an expert, no ding from me on that one issue. Loveky descriptions, I easily envisioned the entire scene. Score: 4.7
Artistic Aspect: Excellent on this, a personal thing about using italics for thought but no ding. Read ths several times before scoring it and again after. Score:5
Prompt Use: This was nailed and by a wisp or will-o-wisp I believe. Thanks for participating and providing us with amost enjoyable entry. Score: 5
Final Score: 4.7 + 5 + 5=14/7/3=4.9[
|
|
ScienceGirl
Forum Leader 
In a crowded marketplace, fitting in is a failure. -- Seth Godin
Posts: 248
Custom Title: Idea Girl
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 400
MEDIUM: 50
EASY: 50
|
Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 19, 2021 10:42:24 GMT -6
UntitledI watch the man. Lost. Stumbling. Desperate to find a way out of the bog. The last of the daylight fades. Darkness fills the space around him like the marsh water fills his footprints in the mud. This is a great opening for me, except one small thing. Your language is rich and it flows beautifully. But I watch the man throws it off. I hover beside the man, something deeper to get us more into the head of this character from your very first line. Stepping out from my hiding place, warm , blue light glows from deep within my core. The way this is written, the verb is placed on the warm blue light. Maybe say As I step out from so it's clear the wisp is the subject of this sentence. Beckoning. Follow. It is safe. Follow if you want to live.The man gawks. You've given us a few details here, but I'd love to see him better. What is special about this man that the wisps choose to save him? Is he young, old? American? Asian? European? African? His wan , mud-streaked face cycles through shock, terror, exhaustion...and hope. I flit around like a firefly, though I am no insect. Follow.Others like me light the path beyond. Follow us.A twig snaps on the ground. The sound jolts through me like a lightning strike. This is your best line in the excerpt. The twig snaps, the sound jolts, my interest deepens. Concealed by shadow, it comes. He must follow , or it will find him. Take him. Brighter my light shines, more urgently do I flicker. Follow! Now!Uncertainty radiates from him like heatwaves. He takes one step. Then another. Yes! Quickly!A rustle of reeds is the only warning. Swift as a hummingbird, but far more bloodthirsty, it snatches the man away. Not even a footprint left as memory. My light dims. Desire unfulfilled. Another night; another stolen. Weariness engulfs me. I am running out of time. Technical: 4
Not a lot as far as spelling and grammar, but a few places where you've misused commas and such. The general rule is if the second clause can be a standalone sentence then you should add the comma. Also, if you have two descriptors (warm, blue light or wan, mud-streaked face then you separate with a comma. Kudos for the hyphen in mud-streaked!
Artistic: 4As far as creativity, you did a great job. My issue is that I can't see the man at all. I have no reference to his age, nationality, mirth, etc. Fine for "it" to be a mystery, but to really hook us in with our sympathy for his plight, he needs to be more than a faceless captive. I always think back to the Hunger Games when Finn dies. He was a side character. Didn't really even like him all that much until book three. And then suddenly, he dies and my whole heart is jolted deep back into the story. I wasn't going to stop reading until his death was vindicated. I do, however, care very much about the wisp and what its overarching story will be. Prompt: 5
Absolutely! Great use of the prompt. Super creative idea. I think you should expand on it. Overall: 4 + 4 + 5 = 13/3 = 4.33 |
|
|
|
Post by Ruhaab on Jun 20, 2021 22:26:06 GMT -6
Technical - 2.5
One suggestion - try to diversify the length of sentences. No doubt short sentences are good and easy to understand, still diversity has an intrinsic beauty. However, need to be more descriptive about whom you're describing. I got his feelings but not his characteristics.
Artistic - 4.5
Good job. My favorite sentence - 'Darkness fills the space around him like the marsh water fills his footprints in the mud.' Well done. How sublime and vivid it is. Apart from it, some small sentences like follow if you want to live. They're remarkable. Another favorite one - A twig snaps on the ground. The sound jolts through me like a lightning strike.
Prompt - 3.5
Great job. Did exactly what's needed in the prompt.
Total - 3.5
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2021 11:30:50 GMT -6
Technical: 5
I couldn't find any issues. You have to be careful with the series of short sentences, but they do convey a certain meaning in certain situation. Specifically when you're in deep POV. Well done.
Artistic: 4
Little ding. Little thing. It's fine. I'm not a huge fan of metaphors. "...filled the space like the marsh...". It just jars me. Makes me if not done the right way. I'd probably go with "As the marsh water filled his boots, so did the darkness fill the space around him." I think it's because that keeps my thoughts flowing forward. It's a vivid comparison, but doing it in the order you did, like most people do, makes me wait to see what you're talking about. "Her hair was moving like..." Yeah. LIke what? Sure, I have to keep reading to find out, but my mind works quickly. Now I know her hair is moving, but I have to pause the picture in my head until I read the next part of the sentence, and then rewind my brain, putting the second part into the first, so I can get the whole picture, and it's just tiring.
Prompt: 5
Will-O-Wisp. I got it part way through. Good job with that. It's all from its perspective, and you got me wanting to find out what this creature is and what the REAL purpose of the Will-O-Wisp was. Good job.
Edit: Oops. Forgot to average.
5+4+5=14/3=4.66
|
|
|
|
Post by havekrillwhaletravel on Jun 24, 2021 5:27:48 GMT -6
Technical Elements
I love this! The short sentences feel appropriate given the urgency of the situation. And I love how they roll off the tongue. I was hooked from the first line.
I'm also awestruck by how much development you've packed into this short piece. I was wavering between, "This light is trying to save the guy right?" and "This light just wants to trick and kill the guy right?" up until the man gets snatched away. Score = 4.5
Artistic Elements
The imagery is so potent and the perspective feels fully embodied. I can feel the desperation of the wisp and its disappointment at failing to save the guy. The single-mindedness of the wisp in trying to save the traveler also works as a nice hook that makes me want to continue reading ("Why exactly is this ball of light trying to save people so badly?").
This is a personal preference, but I think you could've trimmed down on the "like a-" similes. In particular, "The sound jolts through me like a lightning strike." could've been made more effective and striking if the simile was reworked. Score = 4
Prompt
Full marks. Score = 5
Total Score = (4.5 + 4 + 5) / 3 = 4.5
|
|
|
|
Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 25, 2021 15:22:13 GMT -6
Technical
Nice hook indeed that was a catch from the first sentence. Immediately draws the reader into the scenario and provides a lovely visual set up. I didn't notice any glaring grammatical or spelling issues with the exception of a few very minor slip-ups. I found the series of short sentences added much to the overall tension of the tale.
Score: 4.5
Artistic
Delightful imagery and exploration of emotions. The sense of disappointment is exceptionally strong. I am curious as to the identity of the "it" reference that snatched the man away and would continue to read if only to discover what it was. I was particularly entranced with: "Another night; another stolen." Great insight into the wisp's raison d'être.
Score: 4.8
Prompt
Yes...a Will-O-Wisp!!!!! Interesting and very creative choice that was introduced in a subtle manner. No complaints on that issue. Perfect.
Score: 5.0
FINAL TOTAL: 4.76
|
|
|
|
Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 25, 2021 21:18:11 GMT -6
Technical
Technically this is grammatically incorrect; it's saying that it's the blue light that's stepping out from the hiding place. It could be changed to something like "As I step out from my hiding place…" or "Stepping out from my hiding place, I notice warm blue light glowing…"
I'm being super nitpicky here, but I'm not completely sure about 'heatwave.' Isn't that specifically a time when the weather is hot? I don't know actually. If you mean more of just a wave of hot air I might say 'wave of heat'— but honestly I don't whether a 'heatwave' is formally a weather thing and nothing else. 4.5
Artistic The hook for me comes from the unusual style, with the short paragraphs, often short sentences, and the frequent italicized bits that say what the protagonist is trying to communicate to the man. It's catchy, almost like a poem, making it fun and fast-paced to read. The repeated "Follow" gives it a rhythm, the quickly-established italics that in this piece represent the unspoken 'dialogue' conveyed by the lights.
I liked "Uncertainty radiates him like heatwaves." A mythical creature is going to have different perceptions than humans somehow, and this conveys what it's like when they sense a human's emotions. It's simply cool, and evocative.
The depiction of whatever's chasing the man is done really well. It's very present, but the story describes so little of it. It makes the monster more ominous. That said, a snapping twig, shadowiness, and "bloodthirsty" are such generic and commonplace ways to describe a monster that it loses some effect. I would have liked to see just a tiny bit more detail of this threat, what makes it unique, so that it's more than just a vague scary thing for the protagonist to save the man from. It made me the monster sort of register to me as a source of conflict and not an idiosyncratic part of a story in itself, if that makes sense. I thought the hummingbird simile was cool but disappointing when I realized it was just the monster's speed that was being compared to a hummingbird and not its manner of grabbing victims. Come on, give us a monster that snatches people like a hummingbird snatching insects in its slender beak!
"Like a lightning strike" seems superfluous. For one, there are already a lot of similes in this piece; I count five in this short span. I'm not bothered by them as a whole, but with that many it starts to read like the author's just doing it for its own sake. But another reason is just that 'jolts' does the job. Could say something like "The snap of a twig jolts through me."
I have to say leaving the title as 'Untitled' feels like a little bit of a cop-out in the contest. 4.5
Prompt In the point of view of a will o' the wisp. 5
Score: 4.67
|
|
|
|
Post by Frostguard on Jun 26, 2021 10:14:49 GMT -6
Technical: Not much to point out here, really. There are a few sentences I'd have worded slightly differently, but that's probably just personal preference. I'll still give it a 5.
Artistic: A little more to mention, but nothing too glaring. The similes feel a little awkward at places. Jolting like a lightning strike, radiating like heatwaves, as have been mentioned before. Those aside, it's really well done, imagination gets started, the images work well, lots of tension in a short text. I'll go with 4.4.
Prompt: Nothing at all to complain about. Follows the prompt, catches attention. Easy 5.
Average: 4.80
|
|
|
|
Post by Alatariel on Jun 27, 2021 16:46:04 GMT -6
Technical Aspect:
This is very cleanly written, no mistakes that I saw. The hook is strong and I hope if you expand this piece it can be given more time to develop. I'd love to see the man and learn more about this monster that takes him. Seems like a pattern and not something the wisp has much power to stop. There is repetition but it works to highlight the urgency of the piece.
4.5
Artistic Elements:
The pacing is quick and yet there's time to give us sprinkles of descriptions. We know the setting, a marshland/bog, and we know it's night. I'd love to see the man more, what is he wearing? That could help give us a time period. Not that it's essential to the essence of the story but it'd still like to know. Even one line about his ethnicity or clothing would clear this up. So an expanded piece would be welcome.
4
Prompt:
Yes, this is a mythical creature and the hook was strong.
5
TOTAL:
13.5/3=
4.5
|
|
|
|
Post by yankoo on Jun 28, 2021 7:45:27 GMT -6
echnical elements: Very easy to follow the action and feel the emotional intensity of the character. Only thing I would add, if I had to come up with something, is to not rely too much on the short or one word sentences. But you make it look really good. Grade:4.5
Artistic elements: Awesome imagery there with the marsh water filling his footprint and the twig breaking feeling like lightning. Interesting choice and definitely promises a captivating story. I would have liked is to know a bit more why the man was running. I think you could have revealed a little more of what was coming next. Grade: 4.5
Prompt: You did everything right. Original and captivating. You should write it whole! Grade: 5
4.66
|
|
ScienceGirl
Forum Leader
In a crowded marketplace, fitting in is a failure. -- Seth Godin
Posts: 248
Custom Title: Idea Girl
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 400
MEDIUM: 50
EASY: 50
|
Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 28, 2021 22:13:16 GMT -6
Congrats! I'm with Yankoo! I'd LOVE to read more of this story!
|
|
|
|
Post by pelwrath on Jun 28, 2021 22:35:02 GMT -6
A great opening, Ala and well deserved being in the top 3.
|
|
|
|
Post by Alatariel on Jun 28, 2021 23:37:31 GMT -6
I'm really excited this little piece was so well received! When Mike (my husband) first read it, he did not get that it was a about a will-o-the-wisp and thought it was about a ghost. So I rewrote and honed and then submitted...and then you guys got it right off the bat! So gratifying. Thanks to everyone who voted! Super valid observations and suggestions. I'm open to suggestions regarding expanding the story. I'm not really sure where I would go with it, so any thoughts or expectations would be helpful! It would get my creative juices flowing. Also, small note, I did not put " Untitled" as the title. I submitted it without a title or heading because I didn't know other people would add a title to their pieces. Raveneye added the " Untitled" to the top. So...not a cop-out.  |
|
You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
