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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 15, 2021 7:50:11 GMT -6
The Cambion Proposal
“Corvus menzale. Gharza dumak. I summon, Lathark the Cambion Prince of Splendor, bound to a service for my offerings.”
She chanted as she placed five vagina-shaped vases, neck down at the pentagonal points. Each vase had two scented candles plugging the pouring spouts at the bottom, which she lit. The channel connecting the vases had finely crushed red gemstones mixed with blue sand, from the shores of Ixatha.
I hear the words and feel the pull, both are strong. Who draws me to the mortal realm? Ah, a human female, and one with such power. The words are precise, the offerings more than adequate. We’re greedy and don’t like to be bothered all the time with petty requests That’s why we always include an amount of expensive and rare items, more than required. Time to undress to impress and distract.
Wispy smoke tendrils flowed from the vases. After several minutes Lathark’s nude, perfectly toned and chiseled body coalesced, with eyes as captivating as the pentagram he was in.
She’s on the unattractive side to be sure, and that’s being kind. However, few have the knowledge and power to summon me, and that’s incredibly attractive and seductive.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 16, 2021 11:48:29 GMT -6
The Cambion Proposal“Corvus menzale. Gharza dumak. I summon, Lathark the Cambion Prince of Splendor, bound to a service ("in exchange for"?) for my offerings.” (current phrasing implies the cambion will be performing a service for the offerings themselves.)She chanted as she placed five vagina-shaped vases, neck down at the pentagonal points. Each vase had two scented candles plugging the pouring spouts at the bottom, which she lit. The channel connecting the vases had finely crushed red gemstones mixed with blue sand, from the shores of Ixatha. (For variety, I suggest varying the structure of the two last descriptive sentences here. Highlighted "had" which both hinge on. For instance switching around the structure of the second could read "Blue sand, from the shores of Ixatha, and finely crushed red gemstones filled the channel connecting the vases.")I hear the words and feel the pull, both are strong.(suggest a dialog tag here, or a beat designating who this POV is coming from, b/c at first I thought this was being thought by "she" who is doing the summoning, so the following sentence was a bit jarring.) Who draws me to the mortal realm? Ah, a human female, and one with such power. The words are precise, the offerings more than adequate. We’re greedy and don’t like to be bothered all the time with petty requests(.) That’s why we always include an amount of expensive and rare items, more than required. Time to undress to impress and distract. (So from this point to the end, we have POV flopping. It switches back and forth between a distant omniscient narrator to tight cambion himself. For instance, would the cambion describe his own eyes as captivating? Would love to experience this opening from the cambion's POV only. Where is he when he hears the summoning words and feels the pull? What's he doing? Is he irritated at being interrupted? Does he have a choice to refuse to answer the summons or is enslaved to it? Then, only when he arrives inside the pentagram, he observes the vases and offerings and woman.)Wispy smoke tendrils flowed from the vases. After several minutes Lathark’s nude, perfectly toned and chiseled body coalesced, with eyes as captivating as the pentagram he was (stood) in. She’s on the unattractive side to be sure, and that’s being kind. However, few have the knowledge and power to summon me, and that’s incredibly attractive and seductive. 2.5 The comments above address the main technical issues I ran across. Mainly POV switches, sentence structure, and missing tags/beats to clarify speaker/thinker. SPaG: Oh, that missing period... Hook: I would keep reading to see what the woman wants from the cambion, though I can guess. So I would hope for some kind of twist on the request. Artistic: 4 The cambion is a fun and unexpected choice. Actually, I had to look up what a cambion was, so I learned something in the process. Imagery: I love the description of the offerings and the summoning circle, very vivid and concrete. Character: Also approve of the cambion's condescending attitude. Guessing the mood of the story overall would be dark humor. His name and title are well chosen. Word choice: You'll notice I crossed out "was" and replaced it with "stood." If boring ol' "was" can be replaced, might as well go for it. Prompt: 3.5 The reason I'm not giving this a 5 is because only half the entry is from the cambion's point of view. The rest, as addressed above, is outside what he would be directly experiencing, so I feel that the piece doesn't go as deep into his personal experience as it could. Total: 3.33 |
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 16, 2021 23:00:48 GMT -6
“Corvus menzale. Gharza dumak. I summon, Lathark the Cambion Prince of Splendor, a service performed for the offerings I make.bound a service for my offerings.”
She chanted as she placed five vagina-shaped vases, neck down at the pentagonal points. Each vase had two scented candles plugging the pouring spouts at the bottom, which she lit. The channel connecting the vases had finely crushed red gemstones mixed with blue sand, from the shores of Ixatha.
I hear the words and feel the pull, both are strong. Who draws me to the mortal realm? Ah(is this needed0, A human female , and one with such power. The words are precise, the offerings more than adequate. We’re greedy and don’t like to be bothered all the time with petty requests. That’s why we always include an amount of expensive and rare items, more than required. Time to undress to impress and distract.
Wispy smoke tendrils flowed from the vases. After several minutes Lathark’s nude, perfectly toned and chiseled body coalesced, with his eyes as captivating as the pentagram he now occupied was in.
She’s on the unattractive side to be sure, and that’s being kind. However, few have the knowledge and power to summon me, and that’s incredibly attractive and seductive.
Technical Aspect: From my perspective, not bad. However, as Raveneye mentioned-a missed period? There are programs that check for that. Nice using thought italics to show the shift in POV but maybe next time use * * in between the sections. Score: 4
ArtisticAspect: Lovely desciptions, maked me feel that I was watching the ceremony. A cambion Prince none the less, interesting name Splendor could indicate several things. The aloofness and greed aspect in summoning. It's cheaper than we thought, good line. I am hooked by this opening, good job.Score: 4
Prompt use: It's there but the opeining isn't in the Cambion's POV. It's about the Cambion but, a technical difference true but a contest rule. Score:4
Final Score:4 + 4 +4=12/3=4
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ScienceGirl
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In a crowded marketplace, fitting in is a failure. -- Seth Godin
Posts: 248
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HARD: 400
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Post by ScienceGirl on Jun 18, 2021 12:53:11 GMT -6
Technical writing: 2.5
I wavered on scoring you between a 2 and 2.5. There are several SpAG errors that I feel like you could have caught, like the missing period, and that's why I went lower. Some of the things I brought out are more masterful concepts you learn from years of practice and editing. Don't feel bad about this! I've been this person in contests before, too. But use it as a list of things you need to work on. Avoiding POV shifts, using stronger, more active verbs and a greater variety of them, and watching your punctuation. It's a creative idea, and a few SpAG revisions could have made it a much stronger entry.
Artistic: 3.5
Here's where the use of stronger verbs could really help you out. You have some nice description. I'd have liked to see a little more of "she" because I have no picture of her at all. I think you could have gone a bit more original in places. Wispy smoke tendrils are kind of cliche at this point because a lot of people have used that phrase. And like I commented above, saying something like "vagina-shaped" or even "circle-shaped" is kind of cheating and a cop-out for those masterful descriptive phrases. But I like what you've tried to do. It makes me really want to see more of your writing and work with you on revision, because I think with the SpAG issues settled you're going to grow into a beautifully descriptive writer. Please post more samples of your work for critique!
Prompt: 3
Oh, how I wish you'd stayed in POV, because I love the choice and if you had would have been a definite 5. Just learn from this, because all you have to do is just rething every line as you write them and make sure you're looking out of the right character's eyes when you write the description. It's a clever, creative choice for the prompt.
Overall: 2.5 + 3.5 + 3 = 9/3 3
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Post by Ruhaab on Jun 19, 2021 21:47:21 GMT -6
The Cambion Proposal
“Corvus menzale... Gharza dumak. I summon, Lathark the Cambion Prince of Splendor, to come forth and serve me in exchange for my offerings.”
She chanted as she placed five vagina-shaped vases, neck down at the pentagonal points. Each vase had two scented candles plugging the pouring spouts at the bottom, which she lit. The channel connecting the vases had finely crushed red gemstones mixed with blue sand, from the shores of Ixatha.
Hmm...I hear the words and feel the pull, both are strong. Who draws me to the mortal realm? Ah, a human female, and one with such power. The words are precise, the offerings more than adequate. We’re greedy and don’t like to be bothered all the time with petty requests. That’s why we always include an amount of expensive and rare items, more than required. Time to undress to impress and distract.
Wispy smoke tendrils flowed billowed from the vases. After several minutes Lathark’s nude, perfectly toned and chiseled body coalesced, with eyes as captivating as the pentagram on which he stood.
She’s on the unattractive side to be sure, and that’s being kind. However, few have the knowledge and power to summon me, and that’s incredibly attractive and seductive.
Technical: 2.5
with eyes as captivating as the pentagram on which he stood.
Needs a little bit restructure to make it more emphatic and vivid. The POV switch was so abrupt, as a reader it's getting more than two to three readings to understand what's happening.
Artistic: 3.5
Some descriptions are vivid and enthralling. I like this one a lot - Wispy smoke tendrils. Very imaginative and forced us to imagine an eerie room covered with weird
stuff and a priestess summoning a magical creature.
Prompt: 3
In this case I agree with Ravenneye, only half the entry talks about the thoughts and feelings of the magical creature. In normal situations, it's fine, however, this prompt demands us to share thoughts and feelings of our character. That's why.
Total - 3
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2021 11:19:44 GMT -6
Technical: 2
Yeah, unfortunately, like many of the other comments, the technical writing really suffered here. There's a couple run on sentences, a few places where what is said doesn't make sense as something a natural person would say. Like the line about being Greedy. It's very clearly explanation trying to look like dialogue. You can have a line in there about how people would be wise to give more than is necessary, because of the Cambion's greed, but the way it was stuck in here was a bit awkward.
Artistic: 4
This was fine. I could definitely see the room. Had to stop for a minute to try to figure out what a vagina shaped vase, upside down, would look like, but ok. Unfortunately, the technical aspects really harms the artistic side when not polished. They kind of go hand and hand.
Prompt: 1
It's technically not from the Cambion's perspective at all. Yes, the italic portion is, but anytime someone uses italics instead of quotations, it gives the impression that what is written is dialogue, spoken in the narrator's mind. Which means all of that is from the perspective of the woman doing the chanting.
2+4+1=7/3= 2.33
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Post by havekrillwhaletravel on Jun 24, 2021 5:06:50 GMT -6
Technical ElementsThe juggling between third- and first-person POVs felt quite jarring, especially with the limited word count. I personally feel you could've committed to one POV, which would've made the entry a lot stronger and reduced confusion on the reader's part. Not sure this is a mistake per se, but I think this reads kind of clunkily. I think this could've been rearranged into something more natural like "She lit each vase. Two scented candles plugged the pouring spouts at the bottom". The bolded part feels clunky. It's exposition that I don't think I needed. A reader would be able to infer that the ritual requires expensive/rare items based on the gemstones and location-specific sand. Furthermore, the exposition itself reads as wooden and stiff. I think you could've removed the exposition and used the words to set the scene or elaborate on the cambion's perspective. I think the technical aspect of this piece could've been polished up. This would've created a tighter and more effective submission. Score = 2.5Artistic ElementsI find this entry kind of bare-bones. The description of the ritual itself is meticulous, which I like, but I wish the descriptions had stronger prose. I do like your characterization of the cambion though, he sounds a bit aloof and snobby. I think there's a lot to like here but again, I wish the descriptions themselves were stronger. Score = 3PromptAm I the only one who had to Google what a cambion was?  I love your choice of creature. It's a 4.5 because of the technicality as it's not totally from the cambion's perspective. Score = 4.5Total Score = (2.5 + 3 + 4.5) / 3 = 3.33[b/]
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 25, 2021 14:59:29 GMT -6
Technical
This entry felt as though there was something of a rush in order to get it submitted. I believe there would be much benefit in going over the piece at a more leisurely pace since there were several errors which could have been easily corrected with a little more attention to detail and would have resulted in a much better read. The grammatical issues did turn out to be a bit jarring at times and interrupted the flow.
Score: 2.5
Artistic
This was a much better attempt in my opinion than the technical aspect. Some of the descriptions are quite vivid and painted the picture nicely. However, the POV criteria missed the mark and required some re-reading in order to fully understand what was happening. In short, the point of view wavered and made the reading of the piece somewhat disjointed. Other than that, good effort.
Score: 3.5
Prompt
Kudos on choosing a mythic subject that was outside the box and different from the norm. I'd certainly never heard of it before. I googled the definition and it's certainly a fascinating one. Wish I could award more given that, but the POV aspect drags the score down. I believe this could be a fascinating and interesting tale with the right amount of correction and attention to detail.
Score: 3.0
FINAL TOTAL: 3.00
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Post by Frostguard on Jun 26, 2021 10:04:02 GMT -6
Technical: A few wording problems, missing punctuation. Some of the sentences feel off to me, especially in the sections from the Cambion's point of view. Many don't feel like something someone would actually think to themselves, but more like an explanation. The switches in the point of view did not bother me too much, it's still not difficult to follow, but I think it's a fair question to ask if it was really necessary, or if it adds anything to the text. I'll give it 2.5.
Artistic: Some of the images are quite evocative, and I like that. I don't have much to comment on that aspect. I don't really like how expository it gets.
This is the most egregious example in my opinion. This is just plain exposition, which not only feels out of place in a piece with such a short text that's supposed to hook the reader's attention, but it's done from the cambion's point of view which makes it feel really jarring and unnaturally inserted into the text. On a more personal note, I have a pronounced preference for more subtle exposition, and letting the reader figure out the setting from clues and tidbits left in the story rather than flatly explaining details like a documentary, but I'll concede that it's a personal choice. 3.5 here.
Prompt: Interesting choice of a creature. Mythological background checks out. I feel that it is burdened a little by the unnecessary exposition and only about half the story's written from the creature's perspective. I'll go with 3.
Average: 3.00
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 27, 2021 13:46:40 GMT -6
Technical
I looked up a cambion, and while a cambion is the offspring of an incubus or succubus and a human, I'm not sure they're summoned for sex the way an incubus or succubus is? From what I can tell, they pretty much behave like more demonic humans. Why not use an actual incubus?
In general I was unclear about what Lathark was getting out of this. First he seems to be doing it for the offerings, and then he was undressing to "distract" the summoner as though he had some other motive, and then at the end he seems to be actually evaluating her attractiveness.
"Bound to a service" is a little weird. I think it's more that he's bound for a service, or bound to serve.
A few issues with punctuation.
Doesn't need a comma here; it's just going from the verb to the object.
These also don't need commas. I don't know how to explain why. I guess you wouldn't put a comma there the same way you wouldn't put a comma in "I put it on the shelf"? I
Comma splice. You could say "hear the words and feel the pull, both strong" and make the latter part not another clause but like an adjective modifying them both.
Left a period out here.
3.5
Artistic
I find the piece overall not quite cohesive in that I can't really tell where it's going and what opinions to have, if that makes sense. It looks like it could be an interesting story— an interesting situation, detailed descriptions. But I don't know what either the cambion or the summoner want out of the interaction and whom to root for, if anyone. Why is she summoning him: just for sex or something else? What is he hoping for? What should I be hoping for as a reader?
What I'd like to see from this piece as a hook is more of a conflict emerging. Is he going to try to take advantage of her, for example? There's some hints of that: his greed, his unwillingness to show up if there isn't anything in it for him. But beyond the initial offering, I don't see any hints of him planning anything selfish.
I like the details on the ritual. I wonder if the invocation comes from somewhere or means something. It sounds like you've either done some research or made a lot up, and that grounds the story well: it doesn't feel like you've skipped over details for not knowing how things should look.
The cambion's thought passages feel inconsistent. Some of it does a good job of letting us know what's going on in his head. The "Ah" lets us know that it's more of a spontaneous internal monologue thing than a prepared narration. Other parts sound like they're narrating for an audience: "We're greedy," for example. That sort of thing would make sense in a first-person story where it's one person telling us the story the whole time, but this story isn't that; it has both thoughts and regular narration. But describing his kind as greedy probably isn't something that would make it into his internal monologue.
A little too flat and matter-of-fact for what he's saying. Maybe something like "But I'm giving her a second look knowing what immense knowledge and power a human would need to summon me"— or something, something that ascribes it more to his own experience. 3.5
Prompt
Only the italicized parts are in the cambion's point of view, which I guess makes it not quite what the contest is looking for. But then, the prompt allows us to choose any mythological character, including humans, and I guess you could argue that a summoner is also a mythological character. 4
Score: 3.67
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 27, 2021 17:12:44 GMT -6
The Cambion Proposal“Corvus menzale. Gharza dumak. I summon, Lathark the Cambion Prince of Splendor, bound to a service for my offerings [awkward wording].” [this does not need to be a paragraph break] She chanted as she placed five vagina-shaped vases [Do you mean vulva shaped? Because that's what most artwork is of...the vulva. The vagina is the canal...so it would be a pretty normal shaped vase. This is something that bothers me, when people improperly name body parts.], neck down at the pentagonal points. Each vase had two scented candles plugging the pouring spouts at the bottom, which she lit. The channel connecting the vases had finely crushed red gemstones mixed with blue sand, from the shores of Ixatha. [Ok, now this makes me think you mean uterus shaped...and now I'm distracted.]I hear the words and feel the pull, both are strong. Who draws me to the mortal realm? Ah, a human female, and one with such power. The words are precise, the offerings more than adequate. We’re [Is this like the royal 'we'?] greedy and don’t like to be bothered all the time with petty requests. That’s why we always include [require?] an amount of expensive and rare items, more than required. Time to undress to impress and distract. [This is clever. I loved it.]Wispy smoke tendrils flowed from the vases. After several minutes Lathark’s nude, perfectly toned and chiseled body coalesced, with eyes as captivating as the pentagram he was in. [Also super clever wording! Fun.]She’s on the unattractive side to be sure, and that’s being kind. However, few have the knowledge and power to summon me, and that’s incredibly attractive and seductive.
There are some places that needs to be tightened and cleaned up. I specifically irked by the "vagina-shaped vases" because I'm 100% sure you mean either vulva or uterus. The vagina is literally just the opening and canal so all vases are technically vagina-shaped. I was a bit confused by the use of "we" when in the perspective of the cambion. 2.5 Artistic:There are some really clever lines and I'd love to see more of that. I think this should be done completely from the perspective of the cambion. Can he see her doing this and is he waiting eagerly for his time to appear? Can we hear more of his internal judgements? I'd also like some more setting details. Where is this happening? Are we indoors or outdoors? I'd just love to see this slowed down and given to us from the perspective of the cambion and the voice more consistent. 3 Prompt: Well, hm. This isn't fully from the perspective of a mythical being. It's a mixed perspective. So I have to dock points for that. Good hook. 3 TOTAL:
8.5/3= 2.8 |
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Post by yankoo on Jun 28, 2021 7:41:47 GMT -6
Technical elements: I like the short, easy-to-understand sentences. It’s nice that there’s a 3rd person narrator as well as the inner monologue of the mythical creature. Most of the vocabulary is suitable for the story (i.e ‘wispy smoke tendrils...’ sounds nice) with small exceptions (i.e vagina-shaped vases, pouring spouts) and I would work more to make it sound more original. Grade: 3.5
Artistic elements: I like the mythical creature that you chose. It is definitely a promising story that would attract the attention of many, considering the subject. The summoning ritual is not very clear to me and it’s not explained why she needs to do it. And, the sentence “Time to undress to impress and distract” sounds slightly forced to me. Grade: 3.5
Prompt: While it is clear that the cambion is a big part of the story, it’s not clear that it’s going to be told from his perspective. Otherwise, very interesting choice of mythical creature and a ’realistic’ interpretation Grade: 3.5
final grade:3.5
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 28, 2021 22:53:20 GMT -6
3.44 which for me isn't that bad.
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 30, 2021 8:49:03 GMT -6
My thanks to all for your constructive comments on my story. I've revised it and posted it in a separate thread. I'd appreciate any feedback and or comments about it, as I think it's an improved version.
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I like that you are using deep POV thought and you recognize that you don't have to have italics to deliver it. However, I'm a bit jarred as I'm trying to figure out whose POV I'm actually in. If this person is your POV character, then "she" whoever she is should be more distant from us. So maybe have an opening paragraph with your POV character and then let her chant. The words are precise, the offerings more than adequate. 
I love your choice of creature. It's a 4.5 because of the technicality as it's not totally from the cambion's perspective. Score = 4.5
