farida
Counselor 
Book-ed
Posts: 99
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 100
|
Post by farida on Mar 19, 2021 3:14:58 GMT -6
April 3, 1932
My name is Cornelia Stover and I am making this confession of my own free will. I’ve never held much with religion. Not like the folks in this town, who swear everything by the Bible and their right to bear arms. Yet, before I return to the mountains, I must have absolution.
I cannot remember when it all came a cropper. I guess it happened gradually, during that long, arduous trek punctuated only by sleepless nights. But this is my sin; that his mere presence, his resting shadow under the stars, filled me with such terrible dread. Tomkin’s curse, I thought, then.
But I know now that it was my own cowardice, my very own weakness that kept me from sleep, and still does.
Perhaps the town folk are right. Carleton’s sons and daughters, if not in flesh, then in spirit. I am just an old woman whose mind snapped at the hope of riches. I can sense them tongue-wagging whenever I go to the general store. The gold drove her nutty-nuts. Mad as a pan of popcorn on a hot plate.
So I don’t go anymore. |
|
|
|
Post by RAVENEYE on Mar 19, 2021 11:22:50 GMT -6
The hook here is undeniable, the mystery/sin/crime alluded to magnetic. I love the diary/journal format for telling a story. I'm eager to know what work this excerpt comes from. Is it your current novel WIP? Something you're just dabbling with?
The only thing that raised a flag for me was a term I had to look up. Now, the statement "who swear everything by the Bible and their right to bear arms" hints at an American setting, as does the mention of a gold rush or gold fever. Yet the phrase "it all came a cropper" was something I'd never heard before and had to Google search to find that it's a British phrase for an embarrassing failure. Therefore, either this character is an immigrant from Britain or the phrase needs replacing.
Otherwise, tight, intriguing, delectable foreshadowing that would keep me turning pages.
|
|
ScienceGirl
Forum Leader 
In a crowded marketplace, fitting in is a failure. -- Seth Godin
Posts: 248
Custom Title: Idea Girl
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 400
MEDIUM: 50
EASY: 50
|
Post by ScienceGirl on Mar 19, 2021 15:32:39 GMT -6
April 3, 1932
My name is Cornelia Stover, and I am making this confession of my own free will. I’ve never held much with religion. Not like the folks in this town, who swear everything by the Bible and their right to bear arms. Yet, before I return to the mountains, I must have absolution.
I cannot remember when it all came a cropper. What about: When did it all become a cropper? I guess it happened gradually, during that long, arduous trek punctuated only by sleepless nights. But this is my sin; that his mere presence, his resting shadow under the stars, filled me with such terrible dread.
Tomkin’s curse, What about: I once thought? I thought, then. This line confused me a bit. I couldn't figure out when "then" would have happened. And I wonder if you might set this line off by itself for emphasis.
But I know now that it was my own cowardice, my very own weakness that kept me from sleep, and still does. You have two sentences pretty close together that start with "But" and another starting with "Yet." You might change that up for smoother flow.
Perhaps the town folk are right. Carleton’s sons and daughters, if not in flesh, then in spirit. I was a little confused from this line, too. I get that you're going for mystery here. Not saying to change that. But did you mean Carelton's sons and daughters are right if not in flesh then in spirit? It kind of tripped me up what being right in flesh would have meant. What I THINK you meant is that they died before you came to the realization that they were right.
I am just an old woman whose mind snapped at the hope of riches. I can sense them tongue-wagging whenever I go to the general store. What about: I can always sense them tongue-wagging at the general store.
The gold drove her nutty-nuts. Mad as a pan of popcorn on a hot plate. Love, love, love this!
So I don’t go anymore. Nice emphasis here.
You might be careful with the repetition of "I." Yes, it's a diary and most people who write a diary entry will use "I" a lot. But you could still rephrase a few lines and cut a few of them out. And particularly pay attention to having more than one sentence in a row starting with "I." See suggestions above.
Nice start! I'd love to read more. |
|
farida
Counselor
Book-ed
Posts: 99
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 100
|
Post by farida on Mar 20, 2021 4:05:34 GMT -6
Thanks so much for your comments!
"it all came a cropper" has fallen out of use in the US now (as it has in the UK) but it was common cowboy slang in the 20s. But if it's irritating I will rethink it.
Thanks also for the mentioning of "I". I don't normally write in first person, so still getting to grips with it.
Further critiques welcome!
|
|
ScienceGirl
Forum Leader
In a crowded marketplace, fitting in is a failure. -- Seth Godin
Posts: 248
Custom Title: Idea Girl
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 400
MEDIUM: 50
EASY: 50
|
Post by ScienceGirl on Mar 20, 2021 9:00:34 GMT -6
I don't think "it all came a cropper" is a bad phrase per se. It's just that we don't have a very established time and place in this excerpt, so it feels out of place. But if the rest of the story has already established that, then it would fit and not be a problem.
|
|
|
|
Post by oriannescout on Mar 21, 2021 2:55:01 GMT -6
Diaries are a great way into the mind of the narrator and a great narrative tool because I always find myself wondering is the diarist writing with the intention that at some point someone else will read their work (and as a result might be tempted to "story tell") or is it meant to be unread and we've just lucked into this very private account. This one is clearly meant to be read, as the narrator announces from the outset it is a confession, implying she wants someone to read it. I'm working off the assumption that if someone wants to confess something to themselves they don't need to write it out. The idea, too, that there is something to confess makes me want to read more. What can she have done that requires confession to a stranger she might never know? Is this her only means of confession? Is she that alone, how come? These are the questions that come to mind and the minute I have questions I want to find out more. I do find Stover's journal voice inconsistent. Like ScienceGirl I'm okay with the cropper line (in the original ie "it all came a cropper") especially if it is an accurate historical slang. Part of the reason I found it jarring, though, is that it clearly is a kind of folksy speak that is not replicated in the rest of the narrative. Consider the lines "that long, arduous trek punctuated only by sleepless nights" in comparison. The later line suggests a language completely different from someone who might say it all came a cropper. I guess what I'm saying is there are parts that feel put together, as though they've been edited by Stover, and then other parts that I might assume are the more natural language of the narrator, like the cropper line. This could even be something thematic in that she is confessing something she obviously doesn't like that she's done and "whose mind snapped". The slang as the person she is trying to cover up with her confession but it keeps creeping back into her more polished language. It does seem like she's an outsider wherever she is and I wonder how her language reflects that outsider status. Indeed, in the 1930s American South, (no less than most anywhere today!) how someone speaks, that is to say the language they speak through, can often help us understand the social status of the character. I feel like Stover has access to some education (she obviously has the materials to write, has done it before and has a place to write in seeming comfort) and yet drops into colloquialisms that someone of that education level at that time might not be expected to use. She also seems to have some disdain for the "town folk"--consider the difference between her own description "mind snapped at the hope of riches" in comparison to the way she thinks the town folk speak about the same event "The gold drove her nutty-nuts. Mad as a pan of popcorn on a hot plate." These later seem to be more colloquial and she attributes them to the town folk who don't speak but "tongue-wag". So much to think about from this brief opening...always a good sign  |
|
|
|
Post by RAVENEYE on Mar 22, 2021 11:24:30 GMT -6
I don't think "it all came a cropper" is a bad phrase per se. It's just that we don't have a very established time and place in this excerpt, so it feels out of place. But if the rest of the story has already established that, then it would fit and not be a problem. You're absolutely right! Gasp. I *assumed* the story was set in the US. WTH? Why did I do that?  Probably b/c I had Farida's novel on the brain, which takes place in California. So lesson learned -- don't assume. |
|
farida
Counselor
Book-ed
Posts: 99
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 100
|
Post by farida on Mar 24, 2021 5:38:14 GMT -6
Diaries are a great way into the mind of the narrator and a great narrative tool because I always find myself wondering is the diarist writing with the intention that at some point someone else will read their work (and as a result might be tempted to "story tell") or is it meant to be unread and we've just lucked into this very private account. This one is clearly meant to be read, as the narrator announces from the outset it is a confession, implying she wants someone to read it. I'm working off the assumption that if someone wants to confess something to themselves they don't need to write it out. The idea, too, that there is something to confess makes me want to read more. What can she have done that requires confession to a stranger she might never know? Is this her only means of confession? Is she that alone, how come? These are the questions that come to mind and the minute I have questions I want to find out more. I do find Stover's journal voice inconsistent. Like ScienceGirl I'm okay with the cropper line (in the original ie "it all came a cropper") especially if it is an accurate historical slang. Part of the reason I found it jarring, though, is that it clearly is a kind of folksy speak that is not replicated in the rest of the narrative. Consider the lines "that long, arduous trek punctuated only by sleepless nights" in comparison. The later line suggests a language completely different from someone who might say it all came a cropper. I guess what I'm saying is there are parts that feel put together, as though they've been edited by Stover, and then other parts that I might assume are the more natural language of the narrator, like the cropper line. This could even be something thematic in that she is confessing something she obviously doesn't like that she's done and "whose mind snapped". The slang as the person she is trying to cover up with her confession but it keeps creeping back into her more polished language. It does seem like she's an outsider wherever she is and I wonder how her language reflects that outsider status. Indeed, in the 1930s American South, (no less than most anywhere today!) how someone speaks, that is to say the language they speak through, can often help us understand the social status of the character. I feel like Stover has access to some education (she obviously has the materials to write, has done it before and has a place to write in seeming comfort) and yet drops into colloquialisms that someone of that education level at that time might not be expected to use. She also seems to have some disdain for the "town folk"--consider the difference between her own description "mind snapped at the hope of riches" in comparison to the way she thinks the town folk speak about the same event "The gold drove her nutty-nuts. Mad as a pan of popcorn on a hot plate." These later seem to be more colloquial and she attributes them to the town folk who don't speak but "tongue-wag". So much to think about from this brief opening...always a good sign Thank you so much for this, Orianne. This is, in a nutshell, what I want to achieve. Glad her voice projects all these different characteristics, that gives me hope for the rest of the book. |
|
|
|
Post by alliecartman248 on Sept 27, 2022 11:41:13 GMT -6
I have no suggestions to make,just wanted to say this really drew me in
|
|
Probably b/c I had Farida's novel on the brain, which takes place in California. 
