ScienceGirl
Forum Leader 
In a crowded marketplace, fitting in is a failure. -- Seth Godin
Posts: 248
Custom Title: Idea Girl
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 400
MEDIUM: 50
EASY: 50
|
Post by ScienceGirl on Mar 12, 2021 21:34:48 GMT -6
Max Halsey squinted from his perch in Arnie's old tree stand, lifting his thick-gloved hands to his forehead. The blistering sun did nothing to ease the brutal November wind, nor the misty sleet marking its icy presence on the exposed parts of his face. Early snow. Solid-black wooly worms. Arnie was right. It would be a tough winter this year. He was running out of time.
The first noon bell chimed in the distance as clouds darkened around the old-town clock tower. It shattered the reverent silence and dashed all hopes of success. Maybe tomorrow. But then, Thanksgiving break would be over, and he’d have to wait until next weekend.
He sunk his teeth into the leather covering his right middle finger. The frigid air stung his newly bared skin as he wriggled free from the grip of the glove. His brothers had left hours ago, deeming him crazy sitting out here with frosted breath when a mountain of food waited at home. But Arnie had weeks to live, and Max was going to get those twenty points mounted on his mantle before the cancer took him. He owed his dear friend at least that much.
|
|
|
|
Post by Alatariel on Mar 13, 2021 23:06:22 GMT -6
Max Halsey squinted from his perch in Arnie's old tree stand, lifting his thick-gloved hands to his forehead. The blistering [blistering automatically made me assume hot summer weather and then it's immediately contradicted so I would personally change this adjective to something else, maybe blazing since that means bright rather than hot?] sun did nothing to ease the brutal November wind, nor the misty sleet marking its icy presence on the exposed parts of his face. Early snow. Solid-black wooly worms. Arnie was right. It would be a tough winter this year. He was running out of time. [At this point I'm struggling because I don't have a clear setting. He's on a perch in n old tree? This might be something totally common that I'm unfamiliar with, but as an average reader I don't know what's around (more trees, open spaces, a plowed field, an orchard, a farm...) and it's disorienting. The mention of worms also throws me because then I picture him digging in soil? But that's not made clear. I initially picture him sitting on a tree stump in the middle of a field looking over a large swath of land, observing the weather. If this is the wrong impression, then perhaps some changes should be made.]The first noon bell chimed in the distance as clouds darkened around the old-town clock tower. It shattered the reverent silence and dashed all hopes of success. Maybe tomorrow. But then, Thanksgiving break would be over, and he’d have to wait until next weekend. He sunk his teeth into the leather covering his right middle finger. The frigid air stung his newly bared skin as he wriggled free from the grip of the glove. His brothers had left hours ago, deeming him crazy sitting out here with frosted breath when a mountain of food waited at home. But Arnie had weeks to live, and Max was going to get those twenty points mounted on his mantle before the cancer took him. He owed his dear friend at least that much. The prose is lovely, not too much but enough to make me curious. My uncertainty surrounding setting is the main issue, it feels all a bit vague and untethered at the moment without a quick sentence to establish more of the scene. Thanks for posting! |
|
ScienceGirl
Forum Leader
In a crowded marketplace, fitting in is a failure. -- Seth Godin
Posts: 248
Custom Title: Idea Girl
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 400
MEDIUM: 50
EASY: 50
|
Post by ScienceGirl on Mar 13, 2021 23:17:05 GMT -6
Thank you! Might just be a Kentucky thing lol. A tree stand is kind of like a platform for hunting. But I can definitely make that clearer. Maybe have him interact with some of his gear. Much appreciated  |
|
|
|
Post by RAVENEYE on Mar 17, 2021 16:14:23 GMT -6
Omigosh, missed this completely. Okay, probably belated, but better late and all that... Max Halsey squinted from his perch in Arnie's old tree stand, lifting his thick-gloved hands to his forehead. The blistering sun (probably not a term I'd apply to a November sun unless this takes place in Australia. I was imagining summer heat until I read the month.) did nothing to ease the brutal November wind, nor the misty sleet marking its icy presence on the exposed parts of his face. Early snow. Solid-black wooly worms. Arnie was right. It would be a tough winter this year. He was running out of time. The first noon bell chimed in the distance as clouds darkened around the old-town clock tower. It shattered the reverent silence and dashed all hopes of success. (Mention for the non-hunter readers what "success" implies: "No deer was going to stick around with that noise." Or whatever it is he's hunting.) Maybe tomorrow. But then, Thanksgiving break would be over, and he’d have to wait until next weekend. He sunk his teeth into the leather covering his right middle finger. The frigid air stung his newly bared skin as he wriggled free from the grip of the glove. His brothers had left hours ago, deeming him crazy sitting out here with frosted breath when a mountain of food waited at home. But Arnie had weeks to live, and Max was going to get those twenty points mounted on his mantle (mantel) before the cancer took him. He owed his dear friend at least that much. Solid. The flow is smooth as butter. The stakes would keep me reading for sure. Lovely atmosphere building, touching on nature things and things of civilization nearby. Love the "running out of time" immediately followed by mentions of a clock chiming. Nice symbolism, that. I would like to see how the two opposing settings are situated in relation to one another, since typically deer stands are as remote as possible. Got to wondering how a bell was in a position to interrupt the hunt, in other words. That's all I can think of. Would love to see where this goes. |
|
ScienceGirl
Forum Leader
In a crowded marketplace, fitting in is a failure. -- Seth Godin
Posts: 248
Custom Title: Idea Girl
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 400
MEDIUM: 50
EASY: 50
|
Post by ScienceGirl on Mar 17, 2021 18:59:57 GMT -6
Thank you! I think the sun was blistering when I wrote that bit. So happy for the feedback! Openings have always been so hard for me. Not sure why lol
|
|
farida
Counselor 
Book-ed
Posts: 99
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 100
|
Post by farida on Mar 18, 2021 10:19:55 GMT -6
Max Halsey squinted from his perch in Arnie's old tree stand, lifting his thick-gloved hands to his forehead. The blistering sun did nothing to ease the brutal November wind, nor the misty sleet marking its icy presence on the exposed parts of his face. Early snow. Solid-black wooly worms. Arnie was right. It would be a tough winter this year. He was running out of time.The first noon bell chimed in the distance as clouds darkened around the old-town clock tower. It shattered the reverent silence and dashed all hopes of success. Tomorrow, Thanksgiving break would be over, and he’d have to wait until next weekend. He sunk his teeth into the leather covering his right middle finger. The frigid air stung his newly bared skin as he wriggled free from the grip of the glove. His brothers had left hours ago, deeming him crazy sitting out here with frosted breath when a mountain of food waited at home. [Don't think we need this here. It's 'tell' and it distracts from Max's own train of thought]. But Arnie had weeks to live, and Max was going to get those twenty points mounted on his mantle before the cancer took him. He owed his dear friend at least that much. Hiya,
lovely stuff - a solid opening. I wonder if it isn't slightly overwritten. Try it with fewer adjectives and less description, and generally simplify the language. Allow the reader to fill in the gaps. The descrptions that remain will be all the more impactful for it.
I've made a little edit above, see how you like it.
|
|
ScienceGirl
Forum Leader
In a crowded marketplace, fitting in is a failure. -- Seth Godin
Posts: 248
Custom Title: Idea Girl
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
HARD: 400
MEDIUM: 50
EASY: 50
|
Post by ScienceGirl on Mar 18, 2021 15:40:33 GMT -6
Thank you, farida! Appreciate the feedback |
|
