|
|
Post by Soliton on Mar 5, 2021 23:11:01 GMT -6
BACKGROUND
These are interactions in my first novel. I am playing with relationships. My concern is how to keep the close relation between Cora and Alan going thru several novels. I feel like these people need each other, but I am just using them for my novel purposes.
Crew Pleiadean
Word Count = 197
“Alan, you are right. What is it like being any crew type? Let’s find Lynn.”
“We are so unqualified for this!” said Alan.
At Lynn’s suite, “Come on in. What’s up?”
“I am friendly, Alan. This is nosy Cora. Our hobby is, well, getting to know you.”
“Did Commander Jaycox, send you? He said we need friends onboard.”
“Why, no. This is a free-range hobby of ours. No prior reason at all, and I am not nosy,” Cora said twitching her nose.
“OK, sure. You understand I have a personnel file?”
“We skip that step, just tell us about yourself, Lynn,” Alan said with a friendly smile.
“What? Oh, I was born on planet Tana in Pleiades. My father was Pleiadean, and my mother was Irish. They taught at Alpha Centauri University. I am afraid of any animal, bird, or insect, because we are the only life on Tana. My parents died of asteroid spores. How can anyone like my body form? My upper body development is my mother’s. My long arms and long strong fingers are my father’s. People must see these?”
“We are your family now. We only see you as our shipmate,” said Cora.
|
|
|
|
Post by Alatariel on Mar 6, 2021 13:43:12 GMT -6
**I'm going to be harsh because this is my dad and we've had this conversation about dialogue and character a million times**
This dialogue is so stiff and unnatural. No one talks like this, people tend to say only a tiny fraction of what they're actually thinking. To be so direct is off-putting and makes me uncomfortable, to be honest. Especially regarding her "body form". What is that about? Would anyone speak to (almost) strangers in this manner? If you went up to someone at work and asked about them, would they spill their entire personal history? No, they would start very small and superficial because that's what people do. Someone says "tell me about yourself" I say the very basic that makes them go away and leave me alone. People tend to believe that no one really wants to know the sordid details of your life. Friendship takes a lot of time and effort and trust. No one just spills the beans immediately upon meeting someone.
Cora and Alan's dialogue also feels really pushy and weird. Stop thinking of your characters as a means to an end. You must craft them like they're actual human beings. Stop "using them for your novel purposes". People read novels for the characters, not for the action or the plot line. If your characters aren't real or memorable and feel like tools then the engagement with your stories will be very brief.
Here's my edit:
|
|
|
|
Post by RAVENEYE on Mar 10, 2021 12:42:42 GMT -6
BACKGROUND These are interactions in my first novel. I am playing with relationships. My concern is how to keep the close relation between Cora and Alan going thru several novels. I feel like these people need each other, but I am just using them for my novel purposes. This is an interesting viewpoint. I've never encountered it before. Fascinated about it, really. The novel is *about* the characters, right? Characters trying to achieve something? The achievement will mean little or nothing to the reader if the characters aren't the actual point of the story. The emotional investment is with the characters first and foremost. If you feel the two characters need each other, then it's up to you to show the reader the reason for the need and how they express that need. Dry characters won't carry a single novel, much less a series. General rule is a story is a story because a character goes through a change, not because they achieve something while staying the same. But that's a whole other topic, so... About the excerpt itself. Since this is clearly a tiny piece of a bigger scene that would provide context, I cannot with full confidence say how much development is needed. But I can tell that this is a bare bones draft, minimum of absolute minimum. Little more than a dialog outline. I ought to be able to pick up nuances or hints as to what's going on, setting details, character actions, etc. that bring this to life and give some idea of that larger context. Because I cannot tell if these characters are arguing, bantering, providing objective information, etc. By the last couple of paragraphs, I can tell it's an interview. But I can't tell if this is an emotional thing for the interviewee, if there's tension involved between her and the interviewers, etc. So questions to ask of the characters for the reader's benefit: what are they doing with their hands, with the props in the room? where are they? what sensory things are happening around them? what's the general mood of the characters and the scene as a whole and how can the setting, actions, tone, all convey this? If you've included these details in previous paragraphs, all well and good. Let some of those details trickle down throughout the dialog without clogging it up. That's my two cents. |
|
|
|
Post by HDSimplicityy on Mar 13, 2021 15:14:08 GMT -6
First thought is "Are you only giving us dialogue to practice that?" If thats is the case, as Alatariel and Raveneye state, you need to strengthen it. You need to imagine Cora, Alan and Lyn as real human beings. Using them for moving the story forward are making them throwaways. Take what you have here - who are you, what is this like, yada yada - then integrate it into each line with character expresions or physical movements. Sometimes it is fine just to have them say "said he or she". The other part is writing the conversation naturally. You can disperse information over several lines using natural sounding talking.
The first two lines do not have any connection. The first line has a question and the second has a statement. I do not see how they relate. You need to show us via expressions and prose and context. Also, like Alatariel says, use conjunctions. Honestly, I like spelling out full words sometimes. For dramatic purpose, emphasis, something like that.
Show your reader (imagine one) what they are seeing, hearing, feeling. That makes understanding your story so much better.
|
|
You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
