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Post by pixie on Dec 5, 2020 13:35:27 GMT -6
Hi all,
So, this excerpt is the beginning of my novel. A little information might be useful.
Nina is about Nina Fawcett, the wife of explorer Percy Fawcett, who famously went missing in the Amazon rainforest in the 1920's. In real life Nina stayed home and never found out what happened to him, and died penniless years later. In my book she decides it's her turn for some exploring, and sets out to find out what happened to the man she loves.
The small front room was filled with smoke, the incense stick burning low on its holder. The red velvet curtains were closed against the daylight, plunging the room into a gloom only slightly lifted by the lamp on the table. Even that light struggled to make it's way through the thick lampshade and beaded scarf draped over it. Nina Fawcett sat on the comfy armchair across a small round table from the woman in a matching armchair. The woman was astonishingly fat. Her stomach strained the fabric of her dress, looking like the seams might give at any moment. She seemed to have several chins, and her eyes were almost lost above her pudgy cheeks. On her head she wore a velvet turban, with a large (probably glass) jewel set in the middle of it. The lamplight gleamed off it when she turned her head. Nina knew Madame B was a great fan of spectacle and atmosphere, claiming it was essential for her work, and she was happy enough to indulge the woman, for the information she might be able to give her. They had had tea first of course, before Madame B began her work.
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Post by bilance on Dec 5, 2020 23:28:13 GMT -6
I like the description. It is very vivid but it failed to capture the mood or set an atmosphere. It looks more like a planning board of how you would like the room to look rather than a scene where you take us into this mysterious room with this lady that is suppose to perhaps frighten us or keep us on our toes.
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Post by pixie on Dec 6, 2020 6:48:27 GMT -6
I like the description. It is very vivid but it failed to capture the mood or set an atmosphere. It looks more like a planning board of how you would like the room to look rather than a scene where you take us into this mysterious room with this lady that is suppose to perhaps frighten us or keep us on our toes. Thank you, that's helpful. This is something I struggle with, how to blend description in in such a way that it's not just a list of 'this is what the room looked like'. I'm thinking I could describe what the incense smelled like, and if Nina liked it or not. |
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Post by RAVENEYE on Dec 6, 2020 12:28:06 GMT -6
Hi all, So, this excerpt is the beginning of my novel. A little information might be useful. Nina is about Nina Fawcett, the wife of explorer Percy Fawcett, who famously went missing in the Amazon rainforest in the 1920's. In real life Nina stayed home and never found out what happened to him, and died penniless years later. In my book she decides it's her turn for some exploring, and sets out to find out what happened to the man she loves. The small front room was filled with smoke, the incense stick burning low on its holder. The red velvet curtains were closed against the daylight, plunging the room into a gloom only slightly lifted by the lamp on the table. Even that light struggled to make it's way through the thick lampshade and beaded scarf draped over it. Nina Fawcett sat on the comfy armchair across a small round table from the woman in a matching armchair. The woman was astonishingly fat. Her stomach strained the fabric of her dress, looking like the seams might give at any moment. She seemed to have several chins, and her eyes were almost lost above her pudgy cheeks. On her head she wore a velvet turban, with a large (probably glass) jewel set in the middle of it. The lamplight gleamed off it when she turned her head. Nina knew Madame B was a great fan of spectacle and atmosphere, claiming it was essential for her work, and she was happy enough to indulge the woman, for the information she might be able to give her. They had had tea first of course, before Madame B began her work So I read the excerpt before I read the background info, and coming at the story cold like that, I think, showed me that I wouldn't have equated this with a factual person in a factual situation. One reason for that may be the opening sentence. I can see the description of the room coming a bit later on the page, but as we all know that opening sentence needs to be a humdinger. If it establishes Nina's situation, the opening would, IMO, be more magnetic and create the curiosity needed to hold my interest through the description of the room and the woman. For instance: Nina has come to talk to her husband's ghost. But she doesn't even know if he's dead. <-- the stakes involved are established immediately. This attempt might fail. She's desperate, so she's resorting to Madame B. That's just my two cents. Obviously, the "for instance" I provide is a paraphrase. I'm sure you can word it beautifully and powerfully. I have to run out the door, but I hope to return to this and touch on the rest of the content, hopefully tomorrow. Loving the amount of imagery you've used. Very vivid and tangible. Ack, I'm gonna be late. Gotta run. Be back later! |
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Post by RAVENEYE on Dec 7, 2020 9:43:54 GMT -6
Okay, now for the nitpicky stuff. I'm only being so thorough on this because you plan to enter it into an important contest. It would be so wonderful to see it do well.
These particular highlights don't matter until you're doing your copy editing and polishing phase. Story openings usually change a lot by that point, as you probably know, so in the end, none of this may matter. But it's stuff to watch for during revision.
Verbs in purple highlight: I love that NaNo offers us the chance to produce a ton of content in such a short amount of time. I'm guessing it's great practice in letting the restraints and inner editor go and just vomiting words onto the screen. So I get the need to just go with the first words that come to mind. THEREFORE! I'm guessing it's also common to end up with lots of "to be" verbs and other quick choice verbs like "seem", "sat", and "wore". So suggestion for scene development: highlight all the generic bland verbs and see which ones can be replaced with more interesting ones. You've got some strong action verbs in there too, so I'm just pointing out the issue for future reference.
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Post by pixie on Dec 27, 2020 13:50:57 GMT -6
Thank you so much for your feedback! Super helpful, and you've given me a lot to think about. Okay, now for the nitpicky stuff. I'm only being so thorough on this because you plan to enter it into an important contest. It would be so wonderful to see it do well. These particular highlights don't matter until you're doing your copy editing and polishing phase. Story openings usually change a lot by that point, as you probably know, so in the end, none of this may matter. But it's stuff to watch for during revision. Verbs in purple highlight: I love that NaNo offers us the chance to produce a ton of content in such a short amount of time. I'm guessing it's great practice in letting the restraints and inner editor go and just vomiting words onto the screen. So I get the need to just go with the first words that come to mind. THEREFORE! I'm guessing it's also common to end up with lots of "to be" verbs and other quick choice verbs like "seem", "sat", and "wore". So suggestion for scene development: highlight all the generic bland verbs and see which ones can be replaced with more interesting ones. You've got some strong action verbs in there too, so I'm just pointing out the issue for future reference. |
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Post by Nessa Arandur on Mar 12, 2021 0:47:41 GMT -6
The small front room was filled with smoke, the incense stick burning low on its holder. The red velvet curtains were closed against the daylight, plunging the room into a gloom only slightly lifted by the lamp on the table. Even that light struggled to make it's way through the thick lampshade and beaded scarf draped over it. Nina Fawcett sat on the comfy armchair across a small round table from the woman in a matching armchair. The woman was astonishingly fat. Her stomach strained the fabric of her dress, looking like the seams might give at any moment. She seemed to have several chins, and her eyes were almost lost above her pudgy cheeks. On her head she wore a velvet turban, with a large (probably glass) jewel set in the middle of it. The lamplight gleamed off it when she turned her head. Nina knew Madame B was a great fan of spectacle and atmosphere, claiming it was essential for her work, and she was happy enough to indulge the woman, for the information she might be able to give her. They had had tea first of course, before Madame B began her work. Hi Pixie, Since other people have already given you some great feedback, I'll just give you my first impression. I think this intro would have much more of a hook if you shuffled it around a bit. I have no reason to care about the front room filled with smoke, but smack me in the face with an astonishingly fat woman and I'll be intrigued. Especially if you show straight away that she's a clairvoyant or medium or something (which was the impression I got). Also, your idea is very interesting, so I would definitely put in the stakes right from the start (that she is trying to find her lost husband). This helps us empathise and root for her right from the start and draws us in to the story. E.g. You can fill in details of the atmosphere as the scene continues and interweave it with the juicy stuff that drives the plot. |
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