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Beacon
Nov 5, 2020 20:01:17 GMT -6
Post by Soliton on Nov 5, 2020 20:01:17 GMT -6
196 Words
This is the opening of the first chapter of my second space opera novel. I try to give mystery to set the stage for what follows.
I am trying to give feeling and not telling. I wonder if my internal dialogues work.
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At five hundred floors up, his suite swayed six inches from the winds off the Rocky Mountains west of Colorado Springs. To feel closer to his wife and eight-year-old daughter, Ryan always took these stratospheric apartments. It was another night vigil of pacing remembrance for Fleet Commander Ryan Bomarc. Absently, he watched the lightning flashes from a distant storm over the eastern Colorado plains beyond the teal lights of the Peterson Space Port.
Don’t do this to yourself. We worry for you.
Red letters suddenly swept across the glass wall, 'Formal meeting. Standard military enviro suit. Transport arrives 5:00 am. Godspeed.'
Thankfully, the vigil ended. An hour of rigid morning routine brought Ryan ready in his Fleet White Dress A uniform. Standing at the east transparent wall, Ryan paused a moment to inhale the distant peach-color calm of dawn.
Another staff meeting.
By habit, Ryan’s pose was rigid military in bearing as he waited in the roof sky-port. He watched the sleet freeze, melt, slide down the gravity bubble dome. His transport melded through the shielding field out of the storm. Odd? A Type 400 Series transport, planetary rated, just for a staff meeting? What’s happened?
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Beacon
Nov 6, 2020 10:19:16 GMT -6
Post by bilance on Nov 6, 2020 10:19:16 GMT -6
196 Words This is the opening of the first chapter of my second space opera novel. I try to give mystery to set the stage for what follows. I am trying to give feeling and not telling. I wonder if my internal dialogues work. ----- At five hundred floors up, his suite swayed six inches from the winds off the Rocky Mountains west of Colorado Springs. To feel closer to his wife and eight-year-old daughter, Ryan always took these stratospheric apartments. In what sense does being over the edge of a mountain make you feel closer to your family. Are they dead? Won't a suite with a view achieve the same goal? It was another night vigil of pacing remembrance for Fleet Commander Ryan Bomarc. Absently, he watched the lightning flashes from a distant storm over the eastern Colorado plains beyond the teal lights of the Peterson Space Port. Don’t do this to yourself. We worry for you. A shallow way to get readers to feel what the main character is feeling. If you were in that position standing over a balcony with nothing, how was this the first thing that comes to mind. A conversation before something happen? A letter? We need more details.
Red letters suddenly swept across the glass wall, Wait how? Where is the glass wall at? 'Formal meeting. Standard military enviro suit. Transport arrives 5:00 am. Godspeed.'
Thankfully, the vigil ended. An hour of rigid morning routine brought Ryan ready in his Fleet White Dress A uniform. Standing at the east transparent wall, Ryan paused a moment to inhale the distant peach-color calm of dawn. Another staff meeting. By habit, Ryan’s pose was rigid military in bearing Show not tell as he waited in the roof sky-port. He watched the sleet freeze, melt, slide down the gravity bubble dome. His transport melded through the shielding field out of the storm. Odd? A Type 400 Series transport, planetary rated, just for a staff meeting? What’s happened? What kind of vehicle is this? How is it different from the supposed transport?
Internal dialogue never gives feeling. It is telling what the character is thinking. What was he even feeling? Nothing but rigid actions and rigid thoughts. No sense of mystery felt. No dreading or a bad feeling from the character. The fact that he is awake in the middle of the night will make a good opportunity to show such thing. Emphasize on that. For description that you give needs to be meaningful to give a mysterious sense. Absently, he watched the lightning flashes from a distant storm over the eastern Colorado plains beyond the teal lights of the Peterson Space Port. I believe this was meant to give foreshadowing? Unfortunately the first few sentences ruined it and it reads off as a weather report. At five hundred floors up, his suite swayed six inches from the winds off the Rocky Mountains west of Colorado Springs. It was another night vigil of pacing for Fleet Commander Ryan Bomarc. He watched the lightning flashes from a distant storm over the eastern Colorado plains beyond the teal lights of the Peterson Space Port. I modified your first para. See if this gives it a more mystery feel to it. Which in my opinion of mystery. Less is more. On the side note. This is the first time I heard of a genre called space opera. Do they sing? XD |
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Beacon
Nov 6, 2020 23:03:36 GMT -6
Post by Soliton on Nov 6, 2020 23:03:36 GMT -6
Great ideas! Thanks for your analysis. I can expand all this into much more with your ideas. Somehow I must discover how to "show and not tell" better... not there yet.
What I had pictured in my mind did not translate to the written page at all this time... Not even close.
I love the idea that you gave of the the foreshadowing of the dawn after a night of grief. The later chapters can expand on this. I am amazed that my writing is talking as much of a love story than as action. Got to think about why this is.
You have given me more ideas to expand this into a better piece.
BTW. Space opera is a subgenre of science fiction that emphasizes space warfare, melodramatic adventure, interplanetary battles, chivalric romance and risk-taking. Flash Gordon like. (check out wiki about it).
Thanks again for your help.
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Beacon
Nov 9, 2020 10:49:10 GMT -6
Post by RAVENEYE on Nov 9, 2020 10:49:10 GMT -6
Hey, you're getting there! I liked this. The natural way you use the futuristic details, mingling then with the familiar (at least, I am very familiar with Colorado Springs, so the visuals were great), and not bothering to explain them all in laborious detail. Nicely done. 196 Words This is the opening of the first chapter of my second space opera novel. I try to give mystery to set the stage for what follows. I am trying to give feeling and not telling. I wonder if my internal dialogues work. ----- At five hundred floors up, his suite swayed six inches from (in) the winds off the Rocky Mountains west of Colorado Springs (deleted the phrasing there to smooth it out and clarify. How I initially read it was "swayed six inches from the winds" as in swaying "away from" which led to a confusing opening sentence). To feel closer to his wife and eight-year-old daughter, Ryan always took these stratospheric apartments. (feels like we need some development here between these two sentences to transition between WHY he feels this need to WHY he undergoes his nightly vigil pacing. Not that we need exhaustive detail at this point, but some kind of info that links the two actions.) It was another night vigil of pacing remembrance for Fleet Commander Ryan Bomarc. Absently, he watched the lightning flashes from a distant storm over the eastern Colorado plains beyond the teal lights of the Peterson Space Port. Don’t do this to yourself. We worry for you. (Transition here also. Who is the "we"? I think it's Ryan imagining his family speaking to him, but this needs clarification.)
Red letters suddenly swept across the glass wall, 'Formal meeting. Standard military enviro suit. Transport arrives 5:00 am. Godspeed.'
Thankfully, the vigil ended. An hour of rigid morning routine brought Ryan ready in his Fleet White Dress A uniform. Standing at the east transparent wall, Ryan paused a moment to inhale the distant peach-color calm of dawn. Another staff meeting. (this internal dialog seems unnecessary. If this is meant to imply that he's weary of yet another meeting, then I think showing this weariness in his actions, along with expanding/developing this sentiment through his attitudes, would go farther in building the situation and his character simultaneously.) By habit, Ryan’s pose was rigid military in bearing as he waited in the roof sky-port. He watched the sleet freeze, melt, slide down the gravity bubble dome. His transport melded through the shielding field out of the storm. Odd? A Type 400 Series transport, planetary rated, just for a staff meeting? What’s happened? (Nice note to end on. I would turn the page.) |
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Beacon
Nov 9, 2020 11:57:43 GMT -6
Post by Soliton on Nov 9, 2020 11:57:43 GMT -6
Thanks for the encouragement. I can expand on what you suggested in the real novel beyond the 200 word limit. Internal dialogue is a challenge for me. I'm not sure how to explain it ... before the dialogue or after?
Showing vs telling still is weak for me. Somewhere in my mind, "showing" is "telling" about someone's reactions or feelings which is like "telling". There is a fine point I'm missing about "showing." Any suggestions?
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Beacon
Nov 9, 2020 16:17:46 GMT -6
Post by StarGirl06 on Nov 9, 2020 16:17:46 GMT -6
Showing isn't telling, showing things brings you into the story more than just telling. In your excerpt bilance suggested showing the pose that Ryan was in. You wrote it was rigid military in bearing. I have no idea what this pose is, so show it to me by describing it. Arms crossed as he stares at the snow? Leaning against something, such as a chair or a bar? Also why is he staring at the snow? Why is he getting these internal thoughts? This needs expanding.
So here's a little scene I made up which might help. I'll keep the character name Ryan.
Telling: After a busy day, Ryan always stared out of his window, it always calmed him down.
With added showing: "Busy day," Ryan muttered under his breath, grabbing on to the metal bar, which was attached under the window in a tight grasp. Snow splattered on to the glass and slid off, other bits instantly melting as it landed, running down the window. His tight grip on the bar loosened as he continued to watch.
I didn't directly say Ryan found looking out of the window at the snow calming but his actions did. It's not a very good example as I'm a bit tired but I had him tightly gripping onto the metal bar or rail as he mutters busy day. Showing he calmed down by loosening the grip later. Like I said, I'm sure there's better examples than this but I hope it helps, even a little bit.
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Beacon
Nov 9, 2020 16:50:29 GMT -6
Post by Soliton on Nov 9, 2020 16:50:29 GMT -6
That is a good example. I believe my problem is I take the easy way and tell person had a feeling (He was happy.) I do not take the time and effort to fill out the description of that feeling which also takes thought and insight.
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Beacon
Nov 9, 2020 20:00:46 GMT -6
Post by Alatariel on Nov 9, 2020 20:00:46 GMT -6
Think of showing as a movie scene. When watching a movie, how do you know what a character is feeling without them outright telling us? What body language, facial expressions, or actions do they do to indicate their feelings/thoughts/desires?
Telling is saying "She was sad her dog died."
Showing is saying "The empty echo of the house was deafening when she walked in the door. Instinctually, she reached into the treat jar by the door before remembering. Her hand fell limply to her side, gaze landing on the vacant dog bed in the corner. Golden fur still clinging to the pillow. Tears blurred her vision."
Sometimes showing is more verbose, sometimes it's concise, but telling takes away character development and doesn't give the reader much to empathize with. I never say what she's feeling, but you know. You feel it. You see it. Often we observe people and know when something is wrong or when they're holding back happy news or when they're nervous or scared. So think "what would this scene look like in a movie and how can I describe it without ever bluntly saying what my character is feeling?"
To be clear: telling isn't forbidden. There's a time and place for it, sometimes you don't want to spend too much time on a scene because it's not supremely important but it's necessary to move things forward. Telling can cut through unnecessary details quickly. But when you want to evoke an emotion from your readers, show. When you want to draw us deeply into your character's world, show. When you want an impact, show.
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Beacon
Nov 10, 2020 10:11:57 GMT -6
Post by RAVENEYE on Nov 10, 2020 10:11:57 GMT -6
That is a good example. I believe my problem is I take the easy way and tell person had a feeling (He was happy.) I do not take the time and effort to fill out the description of that feeling which also takes thought and insight. After reading several of your excerpts, Soliton, I really feel that you're so very close to the mark. What I see is the bare-bones initial draft, which is always a legitimate place to start any story, b/c no story ever written anywhere comes out of a person's head fully realized. All of them need development in some way as they go along. So the overarching advice that seems relevant is finish the first draft as quickly as you can, while you care about the characters and their situation. Above all, finish the draft. During that first phase, "he was happy" is acceptable. By the time you finish that first draft, you ought to know each character so well that you will know how they behave when they're happy. You will know each character's individual speaking/thinking voice. You will have a clearer concept of what each scene looks like, the ambiance you want it convey, and what needs to be present in the scene for that scene to succeed in its goal. Most of the time on first draft passes, we're just learning this stuff and have no idea what really needs to go into a scene. We're guessing. And if we're honest with ourselves, there's a huge chance that very little of the initial content will make the final cut. Point of all this is that's a great method of storytelling to build (develop) a novel/story in layers, like an onion. You start with your bare bones draft "He was happy." It's a great placeholder, allowing you to move ahead and just get the story out. Then on the second, third, and fourth drafts (where the real work happens), you start building out what "happy" looks like in this character's body language and dialog choices, and in the context surrounding that character (because too many authors rely too heavily on body language to express scene emotion. I mean, it gets old reading about arched eyebrows, rolling eyes, and crossed arms all the time. Use sparingly.) . The goal, then, is to help the reader experience the character's happiness for herself, allowing you to delete the sentence "He was happy." And you're right, it does take time, effort, brain-wracking, and lots more words to develop a scene from "tell" to "show." But it's not something that's a MUST in a first draft. Doesn't hurt to start picking out a few of those details early on though, but it's not something to fret over. Yet.  I think if an author can step into a character's skin while they're brainstorming or writing, this seems to help an author find that character's heart, motivation, emotional turmoil, etc. that readers connect with. I'm aware that not everyone is capable of doing this, but it does facilitate the process. |
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Beacon
Nov 11, 2020 8:50:23 GMT -6
Post by Soliton on Nov 11, 2020 8:50:23 GMT -6
That is exactly were I am with this first novel and I was wondering what else to do with it. I have re-worked it about 8 times and you have given me another way to re-read/re-write it. Thanks for the direction. The fun continues.
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