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Skybolt
Oct 23, 2020 22:22:34 GMT -6
Post by Soliton on Oct 23, 2020 22:22:34 GMT -6
196 Words Skybolt
This passage from my first novel brings back deep sadness for me feeling - reliving a time when I was with a loved one in the hospital. Each time I read it I cry. I hope you never have such a memory to re-live often daily.
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The Captain rolled over and felt the hard Cargo Deck. She expected the granite monument. Was she on the Escort Lady Jane? She focused on Alan, white face, eyes closed, a grimace, skin curled-steaming on his face. Where was his shoulder and his arm? A memory. Was that Alan between her and a laser sabot from orbit. The Captain put her hand onto the cold smooth deck to push herself up. Her strength failed. Her hand shook giving way. The arms of Ranger, the security android, cradled her. He gently lifted her up.
She was dizzy and lightheaded. Ranger helped her to sit beside Alan. Her head shook slowly from side to side. Her vision blurred by her wet eyes. She reached out toward Alan. Her hand moved over him as if caressing him above where the medi-bots worked. Time stopped for her. She looked around into middle space, then she looked at her hands. Whose hands were these? Her hands now held like rigid claws tearing at nothing. All she could do was to stare at her clawing hands. What were these? Her vision became a closing tunnel. Ranger held her tenderly in his arms.
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Skybolt
Oct 24, 2020 10:51:21 GMT -6
Post by bilance on Oct 24, 2020 10:51:21 GMT -6
196 Words This passage from my first novel brings back deep sadness for me feeling - reliving a time when I was with a loved one in the hospital. Each time I read it I cry. I hope you never have such a memory to re-live often daily. --- The Captain rolled over and felt the hard Cargo Deck. She expected the granite monument. Was she on the Escort Lady Jane? She focused on Alan, white face, eyes closed, a grimace, skin curled-steaming on his face. Where was his shoulder and his arm? A memory. Was that Alan between her and a laser sabot from orbit. The Captain put her hand onto the cold smooth deck to push herself up. Her strength failed. Her hand shook giving way. The arms of Ranger, the security android, cradled her. He gently lifted her up. She was dizzy and lightheaded. Ranger helped her to sit beside Alan. Switch the order of those two sentences Her head shook slowly from side to side. Her vision blurred by her wet eyes. She reached out toward Alan. Her hand moved over him as if caressing him above where the medi-bots worked. Time stopped for her. She looked around into middle space, then she looked at her hands. Whose hands were these? Her hands now held like rigid claws tearing at nothing. All she could do was to stare at her clawing hands. What were these? Her vision became a closing tunnel. I think you could have done a better job to describe the trauma that she was facing. Ranger held her tenderly in his arms. Pretty good scene, delivering lots of visual with little words. But the writing feels like you are a bit protective or obsessed with the main character? "The arms of Ranger, the security android, cradled her. He gently lifted her up." and "Her vision became a closing tunnel. Ranger held her tenderly in his arms. " It comes off like the character is being babied in the whole ordeal. The scene would have done better without it because it didn't hold any weight to it. It is an old passage but I do hope that my critic may help you out in some way. |
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Skybolt
Oct 24, 2020 13:34:07 GMT -6
Post by Soliton on Oct 24, 2020 13:34:07 GMT -6
Thanks so very much for your observations and suggestions. I did not see any of this and your ideas are totally new to me. They open a new way to look at this situation. I will think again and re-write.
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Skybolt
Oct 24, 2020 21:34:18 GMT -6
Post by Alatariel on Oct 24, 2020 21:34:18 GMT -6
I'm not quite sure what's happening in the scene, mostly because there isn't context in regards to setting. I get some scattered emotions, but it's all a bit cerebral and disjointed. Focus on the structure of action/reaction. It doesn't have to be a rigid structure but it helps keep the scene grounded without getting amorphous.
Don't neglect setting! Where is she? What is around her? What does she notice besides Alan? And try to trim the repetitiveness. If it doesn't add anything new, it's not necessary and just bogs down the flow. Read out loud. Have someone else read out loud to see where they get hung up on a word or sentence. Revise, trim, add context, combine sentences. Beware of starting too many sentences with the same word over and over "The" or "Her" or "She". Play around with sentence length. Fractured sentences are okay during traumatic scenes or action. Short sentences = more tension. Vary the length of sentences. Long one, short one, long, long, short, medium, short, long. It adds variety. Action/Reaction scene structure. Not Action Action Action Action Action Reaction.
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Skybolt
Oct 25, 2020 16:24:59 GMT -6
Post by Soliton on Oct 25, 2020 16:24:59 GMT -6
Thanks for the in depth analysis. The problems came from me taking a snippet of a setting from a chapter and pressing it into 200 words. The prior materials tells of a visit to a outer star-planet to see if accommodation for a temporary colony for their colonists would be possible. The away team met at the monument of the first landing site at the outer star-planet. During this visit a bounty hunter starship ambushed the away team. The Escort Lady Jane rushed to the site and picked up the away team with causalities. This is where these 200 words starts.
Maybe I shouldn't chop a scene into 200 words.
The detail help that will make this passage far better. I really appreciate your observations. It is humbling.
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Skybolt
Oct 25, 2020 16:37:21 GMT -6
Post by Alatariel on Oct 25, 2020 16:37:21 GMT -6
A good way to use the 200 word critique is to find a small self-contained passage that you feel needs help. To ask others if the descriptions are evoking the right imagery or if the dialogue feels realistic or something very specific to those 200 words. It is good to give context before the snippet, not too much but maybe enough to pull us into the scene/setting/situation.
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