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Post by Mazulla on Oct 19, 2020 18:38:16 GMT -6
This is a brief intro to a short story I've been mulling over. This has been changed and rearranged many times, starting out as a few sentences and evolving to this. I'm still not sure whether I like it, or if it's clunky or completely unnecessary since the "rules" will be established throughout the story. Constructive feedback appreciated!
Word Count: 178
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As a Seer, the rules are simple:
Never reveal your gifts.
Not to humans, whose nature will always lead them to use Seers to communicate on their behalf, granting favors or wishes as if they were the fabled djinn – though, easily fooled, provided you don't keep a loose tongue.
Not to spirits, who, with their keen perception, are another matter entirely. Regardless of the conversations or activities they're engaged in, a Seer is not to make their awareness of the spirits' presence known to them; not through eye contact, in reaction to their words, nor by casting so much as a glance in their direction.
If they do suspect you as a Seer, convince them otherwise with your lackluster actions and disinterest, until their intrigue fades to indifference.
Should all else fail, do not allow yourself to be enticed by a pact with spirits. The promise of fortune, the promise of love, the promise of salvation or deliverance... A pact with spirits can only bring ruin.
As a Seer, the rules are simple.
In practice, the rules are more difficult than you could imagine.
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Post by pelwrath on Oct 19, 2020 21:30:02 GMT -6
This is a brief intro to a short story I've been mulling over. This has been changed and rearranged many times, starting out as a few sentences and evolving to this. I'm still not sure whether I like it, or if it's clunky or completely unnecessary since the "rules" will be established throughout the story. Constructive feedback appreciated! Word Count: 178 ---------------------- As a Seer, the rules are is simple: Never reveal your gifts.Not to humans, whose nature will always lead them to use Seers to communicate on their behalf, granting favors or wishes as if they were the fabled djinn – though, easily fooled, provided you don't keep a loose tongue. I'm not a fan of categorizing a race, in it's entirety. Maybe say something like fickle and capricious.Not to spirits, who, with their keen perception, are another matter entirely. Regardless of the conversations or activities they're engaged in, a Seer is not to make their awareness of the spirits' presence known to them; not through eye contact, in reaction to their words, nor by casting so much as a glance in their direction. Good paragraph.If they do suspect you're as a Seer, convince them otherwise with your lackluster actions and disinterest, until their intrigue fades to indifference.Should all else fail, Do not allow yourself to be enticed by a pact with spirits. The promise of fortune, the promise of love, the promise of salvation or deliverance... A pact with spirits can only bring ruin.As a Seer, the rules are is simple.In practice, the rules are more difficult than you could imagine.
A solid opening, draws you in and establishes a foundation. A few suggestions if you choose to use them. |
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Post by RAVENEYE on Oct 20, 2020 9:14:42 GMT -6
This is a brief intro to a short story I've been mulling over. This has been changed and rearranged many times, starting out as a few sentences and evolving to this. I'm still not sure whether I like it, or if it's clunky or completely unnecessary since the "rules" will be established throughout the story. Constructive feedback appreciated! Word Count: 178 ---------------------- As a Seer, the rules are simple: Never reveal your gifts.Not to humans, whose nature will always lead them to use Seers to communicate on their behalf, granting favors or wishes as if they were the fabled djinn – though, easily fooled, provided you don't keep a loose tongue. (This highlighted phrasing here, technically, reads like a dangling modifier which mismatches the nouns, verbs, and pronouns, so that I had to reread the sentence a few times to follow. If I strip down the sentence and replace the pronouns with nouns, it reads like this in my head: "on humans' behalf, [humans] granting favors or wishes as if humans were the fabled djinn..." I know that's not what you're wanting to say, but that's how the sentence is structured. Then, to add to it, the phrase after the dash switches again, so that in one sentence we have humans as the subject, then Seers, then humans again. So I'm guessing that this first rule will need either restructuring or, perhaps, break it up into a couple of separate sentences? Given the word count devoted to spirits below, I think the opening will feel more balanced if the narration slows down a bit and gives a little more room to the human problem. Obviously, it's not the main problem the story addresses, spirits are, so this first rule feels a bit rushed and mashed together. So breaking up the human info into two or three sentences might be beneficial. At the same time, starting with long sentences makes the first "spirit rule" sentence, which is short, hit harder. So... it's a balancing act. But always go for clarity first, IMO.)Not to spirits, who, with their keen perception, are another matter entirely. Regardless of the conversations or activities they're engaged in, a Seer is not to make their awareness of the spirits' presence known to them (wordy and convoluted, can be simplified/clarified with: "is not to acknowledge the spirits' presence:"): not through eye contact, (not) in reaction to their words, nor by casting so much as a glance in their direction. (added the "not" in there to maintain parallel structure in the phrases)If they (humans, spirits, or anyone in general?) do suspect you as a Seer, convince them otherwise with your lackluster actions and disinterest, until their intrigue fades to indifference.Should all else fail, do not allow yourself to be enticed by (into?) a pact with spirits. The promise of fortune, the promise of love, the promise of salvation or deliverance... A pact with spirits can only bring ruin.As a Seer, the rules are simple.In practice, the rules are more difficult than you could imagine.Hehe, I love narrations that are structured like this. Every once in a while, a story published in Daily Science Fiction will have a similar structure. They're always fun to read. Quick, witty, and creative. Insights into "how life would be if this were real," which gets the imagination going. So, IMO, just a few structural things that I think will help iron out the narration and keep the information clear and concise. Cuz, you're right, with these kinds of stories, clunky needs to be smoothed out until the reading is effortless. I know you can do it. |
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Post by Soliton on Oct 20, 2020 21:59:30 GMT -6
As a Seer, the first rules are simple.
Never reveal your gifts.
Not to humans, whose nature will always lead them to use Seers to communicate on their behalf, granting favors or wishes as if they were the fabled djinn. Humans though are easily fooled, provided you don't keep a loose tongue.
Spirits are a chicken of a different color. Not to spirits, Who, with their keen perception, are another matter entirely. Regardless of the conversations or activities they're engaged in, a Seer is not to make their awareness of the spirits' presence known. to them; No. Not at all, through eye contact, in reaction to their words, nor by casting so much as a glance in their direction.
If they do suspect you as a Seer, convince them otherwise with your lackluster actions and disinterest, until their intrigue fades to indifference. Hopefully.
Should all else fail, do not allow yourself to be enticed by a pact with spirits. The promise of fortune, the promise of love, the promise of salvation or deliverance... A pact with spirits can only bring ruin. Ask me how I know.
As a Seer, the some rules are simple.
In practice, mastering the rules are more difficult and more time consuming than you could imagine.
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This is a fun read with a lot of promise for twists. I look forward to your short story or book exploring this theme. Sounds like the Seer tutor has some history with Spirits who might come back to play. The back story of how the Seer tutor came to be would be interesting. Is there something the Seer is not telling us? Nice job
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Post by Mazulla on Feb 2, 2021 16:05:32 GMT -6
My apologies for a very late response. A couple of days after posting this thread, we had an emergency (house fire), but things are starting to normalize around here now.
Thank you all very much for your feedback. I'll definitely take your suggestions into consideration as I do more revisions for this intro. ^_^
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Post by RAVENEYE on Feb 2, 2021 16:56:58 GMT -6
My apologies for a very late response. A couple of days after posting this thread, we had an emergency (house fire), but things are starting to normalize around here now. Thank you all very much for your feedback. I'll definitely take your suggestions into consideration as I do more revisions for this intro. ^_^ Oh gosh, Mazulla! I'm so sorry! Glad you're safe!  |
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You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
