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Legacy
Oct 17, 2020 21:54:25 GMT -6
Post by Soliton on Oct 17, 2020 21:54:25 GMT -6
197 words. Legacy
Part of my first novel "Colony." I get emotional when I read this, even now. I think this must have really happened in some reality.
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“What’s your great burden, hot shot?” Cora turned to Alan.
Alan said. “My brother was the Cutter Sitka’s navigator sent to Regulus. His ship was one of the first to arrive to evacuate the colony. Astrophysics predicted Regulus would go Nova within that year. Evacuation was urgent. Many ship loads of colonists had left. My brother’s ship was one of those out-bound. Many more ships were in-bound. Then without warning. Without warning. There was no warning at all. Regulus went Nova.” His voice caught in his throat.
“My brother charted a course to a moon behind a Regulus gas giant planet. They took cover behind that moon. They just made it as the giant planet and its moon vaporized. Debris engulfed their Cutter giving extensive damage. He plotted another course toward a system 1.3 light years out. They limped there, off loaded the crew, the colonists into survival shelters with some ship systems. Above them they watched their starship burn in and cratered into the surface. Weeks later two Star Cutters found them. All survived. His legacy is what I must live up to.”
“Say, is any of that true?” said Cora.
“Well, only the all-of-it part.”
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Legacy
Oct 19, 2020 14:25:53 GMT -6
Post by Alatariel on Oct 19, 2020 14:25:53 GMT -6
“What’s your great burden, hot shot [this feels off, calling him by a nickname when it seems like she's aware of his emotional turmoil. I don't know what comes before this, so is she trying to be mocking of his feelings and then gets sobered by his story? Or is she trying to be genuine and sympathetic? Right now this questions comes off as a bit sarcastic and unfeeling. Is that the goal?] ?” Cora turned to Alan. Alan said [Why do you keep putting the dialogue tags up front? It throws off the rhythm of the story. If you really want something before the dialogue, then I suggest using this space to tell us some body language from Alan. Does he bow his head, does he turn away and look out a window, does he meet her gaze, does a distant look come over his face? Give us something worth reading that helps shape the scene and characters more. A meaningful moment deserves it] . “My brother was the Cutter Sitka’s navigator sent to Regulus. His ship was one of the first to arrive to evacuate the colony. Astrophysics predicted Regulus would go Nnova within that year. Evacuation was urgent. Many ship loads of colonists had left. My brother’s ship was one of those out-bound. Many more ships were in-bound. Then without warning. Without warning. There was no warning at all. [This doesn't need repeated three times, twice is enough to get across the impact you're wanting. Trim all excess.] Regulus went Nnova. [nova doesn't need to be capitalized]” His voice caught in his throat. [Glad to see some kind of emotion reaction.] “ My brother charted a course to a moon behind a Regulus gas giant planet [This is where I got a little confused, because I immediately assumed that his voice caught after "Regulus went nova" because his brother has be caught in the explosion and died I suggest moving some things around, I'll show you a suggested edit below]. They took cover behind that moon. They just made it as the giant planet and its moon vaporized. Debris engulfed their Cutter giving extensive damage. He plotted another course toward a system 1.3 light years out. They limped there, off loaded the crew, the colonists into survival shelters with some ship systems. Above them they watched their starship burn in up and cratered then crash into the surface. It was believed all had died in the wreckage. But weeks later two Star Cutters found them. All survived. His legacy is what I must live up to.” “ Say, is any of that true?” said Cora. “Well, only the all-of-it part.” Suggested Edit: Alan grew distant, as if searching for the right words. “My brother was the navigator on the Cutter Sitka, one of the many sent to Regulus to evacuate the colony. His ship was one of the first to arrive. Astrophysics predicted Regulus would go nova within the year. Evacuation was urgent. Ship load after ship load of colonists were taken to safety, but there were still thousands more awaiting rescue. As my brother's ship was out-bound, without warning..." his voice caught in his throat, "without warning Regulus went nova. My brother barely managed to take cover behind a moon of a gas giant. They just made it as the giant planet and its moon vaporized. Debris engulfed their Cutter giving extensive damage. He plotted another course toward a system 1.3 light years out. They limped there, off loaded the crew and the colonists into survival shelters. They watched as their starship crashed into the surface. It was believed all had died in the wreckage. But weeks later two Star Cutters found them. All survived. His legacy is what I must live up to.”
"Is that true?" Cora asked, solemnly.
"Every word."OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Cut the excess, trim repetitiveness, merge sentences together. Read it out loud or have someone else read it out loud. If it's hitchy, rewrite and smooth out. |
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Legacy
Oct 19, 2020 19:39:01 GMT -6
Post by Soliton on Oct 19, 2020 19:39:01 GMT -6
Thanks for the in-depth review. I must have re-written this about 15 times. I'm at a loss to be able to see these types of fixes going forward. Why didn't I see these?
The backstory for this 200 word piece is that Cora and Alan just heard a deeply personal and secret reason why Ron Haley, their shift's engineer. As a result, Cora and Alan to get to know in-depth other crew members. So they went to talk a crew member who's father was from the Pleiades and mother from Ireland. In an attempt to break the ice, Cora asks Alan to expose something revealing and personal about himself. This story was a big surprise and unexpected to Cora.
However, in the story I wonder if I should go down this aside or only keep it to show Alan is committed to service.
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Legacy
Oct 19, 2020 20:09:05 GMT -6
Post by Alatariel on Oct 19, 2020 20:09:05 GMT -6
This is why getting fresh eyes on a project really helps. With every critique, something valuable and new sticks. Until one day all the things you've learn just mesh together and you're writing light-years ahead of where you started. Glad to be of help!
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