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Post by Alatariel on Jun 16, 2024 11:42:56 GMT -6
Title: TRACK OF TIME (200 Words)
Genre: FANTASY
Trigger Warnings: NONE
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TRACK OF TIME
Sebastian Swinburne, ACCA, lowered his Financial Times and peered through the carriage window. An an unusual occurrence this. The morning express never made random stops. Now, he would be late. Swinburne tapped the crystal of his pocket watch. It neither ticked nor tocked a response.
"You there," he called to the Conductor, who was tapping the face of his own timepiece. "Why have we stopped?"
"Gateway Terminus, sir," came the courteous reply. "End of the line."
The station clock, also out of commission, only served to heighten Swinburne's irritation.
"What time do you have?" he asked. "And why have we taken a detour?"
"Time is not measured in the traditional sense here, sir," replied the Conductor, ignoring the second question.
He scratched behind the ears of a large tabby sporting a magnificent tail. Orange and white fluffballs floated from the turnups of his trousers.
"And this," announced the Conductor, under the erroneous assumption that Swinburne was keen to know, "is Persimmon. The station cat. Percy for short. He is distantly related to the renowned Skimbleshanks of Old Possum fame. He has exhausted all nine of his present lives and that has made him very wise indeed."
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Post by havekrillwhaletravel on Jun 18, 2024 7:18:32 GMT -6
I love how strongly this hook establishes Swinburne's character. The narrative voice is precise, to the point: we get the character's full name, his title. A fact stated plainly: "Now, he would be late". I have a clear idea of who Swinburne is: he's meticulous. He's an important man who expects - and is used to - things going his way.
The narration somewhat balances out this severity with an understated humour that I love ("It neither ticked nor tocked a response." and how Persimmon has "outlived his nine lives").
Based on what's given here, I would be more than delighted to read on - more for the writing than the mystery introduced here (Swinburne inexplicably finding himself in a strange place).
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Jun 19, 2024 22:32:37 GMT -6
Like whaleworkforfood states, there's much in character show in just the opening lines. I didn't notice it the first time.
I am intrigued by the timetelling mechanic. It isn't even stated how and its kept the mystery there for this in a good way.
The other thing is the last part is the exact same thing as the first lines. You wrap this up with two full character descriptions. We can understand who they are on the surface now and delve further in to their story as this can do on. I can see this being a great short story.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 23, 2024 12:17:39 GMT -6
This story delivers a lot of flavor in a short space. The uppity high-society character with a pocketwatch evokes a Victorian feel. The language is playful, the clever, punny title and "neither ticked nor tocked."
As far as the prompt goes, looks like Swinburne is "out of time" in that he has gone to a place where time is irrelevant. If the cat has used up his nine lives, it suggests he's dead; is this death? Was there actually a train crash and Swinburne, not knowing he died, perceives himself as continuing on the train? If not, what's going on with time? It's a cool idea and really makes me curious. I haven't read all the entries in detail, but so far, this is the one that I'm most likely to want to read further on!
Minor point-of-view break because it's saying what the Conductor assumed. I would squeeze in an "apparently": "apparently under the erroneous assumption," to keep it something that Swinburne is guessing.
Typo?
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 24, 2024 8:59:35 GMT -6
Not sure what to make about this after my first read. Good crafting and the lack of...gravitas maybe. Several more reads andhalf a cup of coffee and I'm ready. Weare on a train to work with Sebastian. The ACCA is a global membership for professional accountants, which by tone and tenor,Sebastian comes across as. Some nice humor in it. An enjoyable opening and effective as well as efficientat its job.
TRACK OF TIME
Sebastian Swinburne, ACCA, lowered his Financial Times and peered through the carriage window.Carriage suggests a horse and buggy vehicle, they didn't make many if any stops, like the train it seems to be. An an unusual occurrence this.Reword this line, EX: Did something happen? We've never stopped before reaching my stop. Show Sebastians ire at the delay. The morning express never made random stops Now it's a train. Now, he would be late. Swinburne tapped the crystal of his pocket watch. It neither ticked nor tocked a response.
"You there," he called to the Conductor, who was tapping the face of his own timepiece. "Why have we stopped?"
"Gateway Terminus, sir,"A beautifu and funny oxymoron. Gateway implies and opening or begining and Terminus means and end. came the courteous reply. "End of the line."
The station clock, also out of commission, only served to heighten Swinburne's irritation.Time or clocks not working doesn't seem to be a rare event. A fantasy world the train travels between perhaps.
"What time do you have?" he asked. "And why have we taken a detour?"
"Time is not measured in the traditional sense here, sir," replied the Conductor, ignoring the second question.
He scratched behind the ears of a large tabby sporting a magnificent tail. Orange and white fluffballs floated from the turnups of his trousers.
"And this," announced the Conductor, under the erroneous assumption that Swinburne was keen to know, "is Persimmon love this name!. The station cat. Percy for short. He is distantly related to the renowned Skimbleshanks of Old Possum fame. He has exhausted all nine of his present lives and that has made him very wise indeed." I like this twist. Is this a stop before heaven? Do the recently departed come here tofind their fate. Very good.
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 28, 2024 11:53:01 GMT -6
Nice little concept and I liked the fact that the station cat is distantly related to Skimbleshanks. A mysterious beginning for sure and the characterisations of Swinburne and Permisson were sufficient to make me want to know more.
I noticed no spelling or grammatical errors and the required prompt is met more than once with references to timepieces not working, the train being in the wrong place and the fact that Permisson is apparently out of time in a feline sense.
I'd be interested to know where this is going.
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Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 28, 2024 20:37:40 GMT -6
SPaG/Writing notes:
Just a little typo here. I also want to say that Financial Times should be italicized, to set it apart as a publication and not a unique story object, but I honestly can't quote a grammatical rule for that one. It may just be me.
Artistic notes:
This gives me such Alice in Wonderland vibes and I'm all for it.
There's an almost dreamlike quality to this piece that I just adore. The mundaneness (in context of what else is happening, not at all judging the profession, here) of an accountant in a railcar, reading his finance news, leading into the broken timepieces, the borderline apathetic Conductor, and then the revelation that they've slipped right out of traditional time. It's genuinely amazing, and I didn't even realize until I finished that I'd been pulled into the delirium right along with Sebastian. Superb.
Main Questions I have:
- What kind of carriage is this? It's clearly an uncommon occurrence for our character, but everyone else seems to be business as usual.
- The pants-wearing cat has exhausted all of his present lives, so how is he still alive? Is this the underworld?
Prompt notes:
Effused throughout the piece. They've literally hopped out of time.
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 30, 2024 14:49:44 GMT -6
I love the little bit of absurdity wrapped into this. I have a lot of questions about this train, there are many little clues to tell us this isn't a typical train. "Time is not measured in the traditional sense here" means what exactly?? Are we in the afterlife? Is this like a boat moving across the river styx? Is the cat a depiction of cerberus? I don't know and that's okay! Because those are the exact kinds of questions that propel me forward as a reader. Plus, I want to learn more about the cat who seems to have a history.
I want to know more about our main character Sebastian Swinburne, the train, the conductor, and the cat. All of which are only give brief moments to show their personalities and mysteries but have somehow wheedled their way into my brain. Has Sebastian crossed over into a different plane of existence all together? Or is this something else entirely? I'm curious and that's the key!
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