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Post by Alatariel on Jun 16, 2024 11:40:22 GMT -6
Title: Shadow Reaper
Genre: Urban Fantasy
What Cassie hated above all else, more than loud chewing and even more than singing in front of strangers, was lunch period.
She rushed into the bathroom as soon as the bell rang and locked the last stall. Pressing against the tile wall, she tried to slow her pounding heart. Any second they’d find her. Any moment it could ruin everything.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Fists on the door.
“Cassio-PEE-ya!” Came Olivia’s sing-song voice. “Wouldn't wanna BEE-ya!”
Laughs. A full Greek chorus. Her own personal four horsewomen of the apocalypse standing behind their leader, blonde Satan, cackling. Pressure built up in the hollow of her ribcage. No, not here. Not now.
“Didja fall in?” Bang! Bang! Bang! “Don’t ignore us.” Then quieter, to one of her minions, “Crawl under and unlock the door.”
“Ew! No way. You crawl under.”
The pressure reached a crescendo. I can handle this on my own! Go AWAY!
But it was too late. Black shadows erupted from her chest, encircling her limbs and engulfing her head in a helmet made of darkness. A scythe formed in her hand, the blade arching over the stall door.
As if eighth grade wasn’t hard enough.
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Jun 19, 2024 22:14:39 GMT -6
Hating lunch period is not what Ive heard of before. Don't all kids love leaving their boring teachers behind to talk to friends? Not this character. So thats a unique take on hating a time of day.
Just a thought: "She rushed into the bathroom.." use 'flew' instead. It won't look like foreshadowing until the end of this hook. Its a very urgent synonym that fits this sentence better than rushed.
A blonde, cackling Satan is a silly image. Nice touch. Almost a true thing in the Bible. Four horsewoman of the apocalypse is also a nice touch. But that final image hits this piece home. Wow.
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 22, 2024 9:11:32 GMT -6
I liked this opening and how it ends. It has a nice flow. I'm courious as to what's Cassie's ailment, though the ending mostly answeres that but creats more questions. It's a bit on the tell side and I like tell. I offer a few suggestions.
What Cassie hated this thing above all else. More than loud chewing and even more than singing in front of strangers; the dreaded was lunch period.
She rushed into Rushing to the bathroom as soon as the bell rang and others flooded the hallway, so she could locked the last stall,and wait it out. Pressing against the tile wall, she tried to slow her pounding heart.I liked this. Any second they’d find her. Any moment and it that could ruin everything.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Those dreaded fists on the door.
“Cassio-PEE-ya!” Came Olivia’s sing-song voice. “Wouldn't wanna BEE-ya!” Well written.
Laughs. A full Greek chorus.I think I get what you mean but I actually thought it was said in Greek,maybe change this. EX:That laughter and chanting,made herfeellike being on a rack. Her own personal four horsewomen of the apocalypse standing behind their leader, the blonde Satan, cackling. Pressure built up in the hollow of her ribcage. No, not here. Not now.
“Didja fall in?” Bang! Bang! Bang! “Don’t ignore us.” Then quieter, to one of her minions, “Crawl under and unlock the door.”
“Ew! No way. You crawl under.”
The pressure reached a crescendo. "I can handle this on my own! Go AWAY!"
But it was too late. Black shadows erupted from her chest, encircling her limbs and engulfing her head in a helmet of empty souless ebon made of darkness. A scythe formed in her hand, the blade arching over the stall door.
As if eighth grade wasn’t hard enough.
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 28, 2024 11:44:45 GMT -6
In my opinion, this would fit nicely into the Young Adult Genre, such as the novels written by R.L. Stine in his "Goosebumps" series.
The hook was well done and gave us an initial character sketch of Cassie, complete with the penalties of being different from one's peers. Not sure if the "Olivia Posse" are aware of Cassie's talents since Cassie's declaration of, "I can handle this on my own," might indicate the awareness of others...having said that, on reflection, I now assume it is probably an inner statement, which makes more sense.
So....Cassie is a version of The Grim Reaper? Do I have that right? Not sure if the prompt is realized. In a loose sense, it refers to different times in a school day, etc., but it falls a little short on that aspect for me.
Loved the concluding: "As if eighth grade wasn't hard enough."
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Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 28, 2024 20:19:41 GMT -6
SPaG/Writing notes:
I would say locked herself in the last stall, otherwise it does sound like she just went in there and locked a door.
I think this would read better if it said Laughter. Laughs feel too directional, and laughter has a better syllabic buildup with the rest of the sentence.
Artistic notes:
This was a such a good hook, because even as an adult, there's nothing I love more than finally making it to my lunch break. So there's a whole lot of potential information we can glean about the character and her circumstances right here, before it's resolved for us a few lines later.
Instantly thought of Regina George, and had to laugh.
A helmet of darkness is a curious image. Normally grim reaper makes me think hood, but with helmet it could be a medieval-type helm, or a bike helmet, which adds a sense of personalization to her powers, as she is presumably only 13-14. I'm also intrigued by how her abilities work, because this does have a pretty strong YA feel to it, so I have some ideas, but am curious to know more.
Main Questions I have:
- Is Cassie death? Or something equivalent to that? That's a pretty impressive power, and immediately I want to know how she got it and why.
- Is her power her own, or a form of possession? Initially it feels like an internal reaction, but her addressing it opens up the possibility of a second entity taking over.
- Just how bad is she about to mess up these nasty little bullies?
Prompt notes:
I don't feel the prompt hit as hard as it could have. The powers kind of take center stage, but she's not so much out of time to stop the transformation as she is overwhelmed by it. I think the strongest interpretation for me is that she's out of time away from her bullies because the lunch bell is ringing? But I think the grim reaper-ness steals the show here.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 30, 2024 19:44:38 GMT -6
I'm hooked by the allusions to mythological figures: Cassiopeia, Satan, the Four Horsemen, the Grim Reaper. It makes me curious about how far this motif is going to play out and how literally. I think it would make for a cool story if it stayed ambiguous throughout how much is literal and how much is just metaphor.
I looked up briefly about the mythological Cassiopeia, and I'm not seeing how our Cassiopeia's situation is related to hers. Why choose the name then? Or it's possible that Cassie's full name isn't really Cassiopeia, but in that case, it's an odd choice of insult by the horsewomen.
This first made me question how her experience could be typical for lunch period if being found could "ruin everything." This is a daily occurrence, but everything hasn't been ruined yet? Looking back at the piece now, I still don't know how the two are reconciled — I mean, it's possible she's managed to evade trouble every single day so far — but at the same time, I'm realizing how this really serves to up the stakes. Could the classmates actually die by accident? Could Cassie get expelled for scythe possession!? Is this an actual battle between the Grim Reaper and the Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
The prompt seems to be in "But it was too late." Cassie runs out of time to stop her reaper powers from manifesting. It seems a bit of a stretch because throughout the story, while she was trying to repress the manifestation, I didn't get the sense that she was on a time limit for it.
"Came" should be lowercase, since it's the dialogue tag of the quote.
I'd personally prefer to just spell 'be' as 'be.' I don't see the need to make it into its homophone 'bee' even if it's being stressed.
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