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Post by Alatariel on Jun 16, 2024 11:35:25 GMT -6
Title: Ironlight
Genre: Gothic Horror
Trigger Warnings: Blood
His bones could no longer be considered cold, for cold was all he knew. When a gentle visage painted in candlelight emerged from the dark woods, Julian's heart recoiled from the unfamiliar warmth of her smile. A trembling arm inched across his eyes to deny the strange sensation. Warmth meant going on. It meant hot blood pumping through eager veins, and adrenaline kindled by the duty engraved in his bones. Warmth was fulfilling his now impossible promise to save Rosa.
Cold, though, was sweet and tender, an unyielding poultice to numb the pain of failure.
"To stumble is not failure, sweet Sentinel."
"You know me?" His words came half whispered, half croaked. The woman knelt, laying down not a candle after all, but a brightly glowing iron nail.
"I know your weapon. I bore it, once." Her left hand, bleeding at the fingertips, plucked the stone and iron cross from his belt. "You are either a Sentinel of Ana Lucia, or a thief who cares less about his Eternity than most."
"Wait! You cannot hold-."
"Oh? Does the Anacrux no longer pay allegiance to faith? Or has your time come to an end, sweet Sentinel, and now it returns itself
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 16, 2024 20:24:28 GMT -6
That first paragraph is excellent. It shows how he processes the cold and the sight of the newcomer in his weary, crestfallen state. The "painted in candlelight" contrasts the brutality of the first sentence and made me think for a moment the face was literally a welcoming, luxurious yellowish painting, and by the time I realized that wasn't the case, the impression stayed in my head enough to make me feel like she was a really good presence. I was actually envious of the writing when I read that paragraph.
There's a Crucifixion motif — a cross weapon, a nail with mystical properties — just visible enough to make me wonder how it'll become significant in the story to come, and makes me wonder how this is connected to the notions of afterlife and faith that are also brought up in this hook. I appreciate this choice. The weapon and the glowing object could've been disconnected arbitrary stuff just to evoke curiosity, but that would end up feeling too random. The fact that I can go "oh, a cross and a nail are things that go together" in fact raises even more curiosity while giving the piece unity.
There are little hints of worldbuilding that make the setting feel fleshed out without being confusing or slowing down the reading. "Sweet Sentinel" is repeated as though this is a typical cultural way to address a Sentinel. 'Anacrux': 'ana' means up, but it also seems to be the weapon of an Ana Lucia.
I'm not sure I fully understood the last line of dialogue, specifically "no longer pay allegiance to faith." Is she saying that Julian has lost faith, so the Anacrux shouldn't obey him anymore? And that she's more faithful?
The prompt is there: a mysterious figure comes to claim his weapon, ending his mission and his status as a Sentinel, something like that. His time is up to save Rosa!
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Jun 18, 2024 21:26:56 GMT -6
Okay, this reads like a screenplay.
I love it.
And it reads with literary value. I couldn't tell if this other speaker is a ghost or real. The naming convention fits, the descriptions are vivid, and... yeah I wish this was a little longer! It has enough worldbuilding to draw me and ScintillaMynlan in.
I wonder why the use of "considered cold"? Rather simply "be cold". Because bones can't consider anything; they're not brain matter. Probably because the person holding the glowing chainmail is near to touch them.
Who wrote this does a good job littering worldbuilding in description and the lines of dialogue. You don't rely on vivid imagery in one place.
"To stumble is not failure, sweet Sentinel" great line to strike with. And heck, its wisdom.
Continuing on, I find the "You are a sentinel or a thief" line makes it out that this one stumble made him fail his mission. Its a blunt reminder of "whoever you are, don't quit, or else you loose the power of the crux." Be that a magic system or faith.
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 23, 2024 21:06:12 GMT -6
A rather well crafted opening. Hints about the world incuded. Anacrux wasn't found searching so an item of the world, singular and with a hintof religous overtones,so a relic. Mystery creating tension.
His bones could no longer be considered cold, for cold was all he knew. When a gentle visage painted in candlelight emerged from the dark woods, Julian's heart recoiled from the unfamiliar warmth of her smile. A trembling arm inched across his eyes to deny the strange sensation. No mention of whose arm. It sounds like it's his arm. Also a good opening for a hook. Warmth meant going on. It meant hot blood pumping through eager veins, and adrenaline kindled by the duty engraved in his bones. A duty of birth hinted at? Warmth was fulfilling his now impossible promise to save Rosa. A promise of love, fidelity, or something else?
Cold, though, was sweet and tender, an unyielding poultice to numb the pain of failure.
"To stumble is not failure, sweet Sentinel."
"You know me?" His words came half whispered, half croaked.well described. The woman She knelt, laying down not a candle after all, but a brightly glowing iron nail.
"I know your weapon. I bore it, once." Her left hand, bleeding at the fingertips, plucked the stone and iron cross from his belt. "You are either a Sentinel of Ana Lucia, or a thief who cares less about his Eternity than most." A previous Sentinel or maybe Ana Lucia. Ether would be interesting.
"Wait! You cannot hold-."
"Oh? Does the Anacrux no longer pay allegiance to faith? Or has your time come to an end, sweet Sentinel, and now it returns itself nice thatit ends mid sentance. This could work well as a prologueas it is.
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 28, 2024 11:28:15 GMT -6
Wonderful writing here. Great creative expertise. Every word appears to be carefully chosen to signify what is taking place and the emotions invoked by same. I felt something of an Arthurian influence for a reason that I can't fully explain.
There are varied mysterious presences, none less so than the elusive Rosa, about whom we know less than nothing other than she needs to be saved. From what? From where? And, equally important, why? What dangers is she facing?
Magnificent hook indeed. I would need no persuading to read further and this comes with something of an epic quality.
What an enviable talent!
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 30, 2024 14:44:18 GMT -6
Am I picking up vampiric vibes? A cross, an iron nail, eternity, bloody fingertips...and maybe some greco-roman details with sentinel being used as a title and faith being woven into the narrative so casually yet powerfully.
I'm not sure what's going on or what the significance of all of this is yet but would I keep reading to find out? You bet. The writing, flow, word choices are all superb. They evoke so much emotion in such a short span of time, I'm already heartbroken for this lonely cold sentinel. He mourns and it feels so heavy, yet this new person gives us a perfect entry point in to the story. It's a change in the status quo. That kind of opening is one of my favorites. Start with a change in the norm and go from there.
Now, how are they out of time? Are they literally out of time meaning time has no power in this alternate realm? Or are they not in an alternate realm and he's out of time to save Rosa? Who or what is Rosa? Is he out of time because this woman has appeared and that signifies something? Unsure. Would need more to see the prompt more fully incorporated.
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