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Post by Alatariel on Jun 16, 2024 11:34:41 GMT -6
Title: The Warden Isn't Free Genre: Low fantasy Bill’s invisible punishment ended at noon, when I was eating at the workplace cafeteria. Finally I could release his constant metaphysical shackles in my mind. My pasta smelled better. A breeze seemed to soothe my face.
Two years ago, he’d called my sculptures of the gods “unworthy.” I’d only leaned against the altar, unsure how to respond.
But the Priestess, with her usual suspicion of men, had smacked the hut’s floor with her scepter, telling him, “You’re biased because she’s a woman,” and assigned me as his spiritual jailer. My family and coworkers outside the cult didn’t know the way I had to bow and comply for my faith.
Today, time was up on Bill’s sentence. Somewhere — probably the hospital, where he worked — he could experience strong joy and connection with the gods again and use powers. I ate with vigor. The prospect of manipulating cool clay after work, holiness shining in, enticed me as it hadn’t since that incident.
Those years had been imprisonment for me, too. Along with the imaginary chains, I had to regularly conjure anger, a sense of having been wronged by Bill.
But tonight’s Order meeting worried me. Bill usually arrived grumpy during his sentence, and now
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Jun 18, 2024 20:57:42 GMT -6
This has hinted ideas that do just enough to hook me. I had to read it more than once to figure it out. I like the writing style, I just wasn't sure where it was going with plot.
Using imaginary chains as jail is a new concept to me. Rather inventive. It sounds like it suffocates the accused mentally as well as the jailer. When its released, its like the most exciting feeling ever. I want to know what powers... hmmm... what are those powers?
The "Your biast because she is a woman".. huh. Alrighty then lol. I wonder why...
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Post by pelwrath on Jun 23, 2024 9:38:45 GMT -6
Read this several times and the more I did so, it grew on me. A suggestion, not how you have it is wrong but could you Bill'sname and go with artist for the narator and critic for the prisoner? Leave the names out of the story.
Bill’s invisible if invisiable how is it a punishment? punishment ended at noon, when while I was eating at the workplace cafeteria. Finally I could release his constant not sure this is needed metaphysical shackles in my mind. My pasta smelled better. A breeze seemed to soothe my face. This seems to be set in a world with magic, this is a subtle way of introducing that.
Two years ago, he’d called my sculptures of the gods “unworthy.” I’d only I leaned against the altar, unsure how to respond.
But the Priestess however, with her usual suspicion of men, had smacked the hut’s floor with her scepter, telling him, “You’re biased because she’s a woman,” and assigned me as his spiritual jailer. My family and coworkers outside the cult didn’t know the way I had to bow and comply for my faith. I like this line, the reality of some caste system perhaps. Not sure this is the best place for it.
Today, time was up on Bill’s sentence. Somewhere — probably the hospital, where he worked if Bill is in prison how can hebe working? Is he somehow marked with magic? Made invisable, maybe forced to live life as a woman?— he could experience strong joy and connection with the gods again and use powers. I ate with vigor. The prospect of manipulating cool clay after work, holiness shining in, enticed me as it hadn’t since that incident.Good line.
Those years had been imprisonment for me, too. Along with the imaginary chains, I had to regularly conjure anger, a sense of having been wronged by Bill.
But tonight’s Order meeting worried me. Bill usually arrived grumpy during his sentence, and now An excellent way to end this. Maybe add a couple thousand words and ou'd havea great short story.
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 28, 2024 11:18:14 GMT -6
Liked the concept of this very much...the idea of a jailer being as much incarcerated as the prisoner. I was also impressed with the overall suggestion that this is a society where women play a significant role. I'm intrigued by the idea of a "spiritual jailer" and just what that might entail, which probably ties in nicely with the mutual incarceration notion.
I noticed no spelling or grammatical errors.
The theme of time is obvious in this piece. Time up on Bill's sentence now what will follow over time. I'd be very interested in being a fly on the wall during that upcoming Order meeting.
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 28, 2024 17:45:01 GMT -6
I...have a lot of questions. Not bad questions, just questions. There are so many things thrown into this short piece that I'm constantly left guessing. Every time I think I understand the concept, another thing is thrown in that makes me reassess my understanding.
The first little section - okay, this is someone who is being mentally imprisoned, not sure what that really means or how that works but I can understand the concept.
Then, wait, sculptures? Gods? Alters? Priestess? CULT?
I'm thrown through a loop and uncertain where I land during all of those revelations. So, we're in a religious cult where this character sculpts likenesses of the gods and must "bow and comply" for her faith. And then wait, there are powers?
I have so many questions about this world and what its all about and that's not a bad thing! Many books start off without any explanation for things and throws the readers into the deep end. Some of the most popular books do this, one that comes to mind that's very similar in style is Gideon the Ninth. It just starts with complexity and never lets up, but man is it engaging and very highly beloved.
This is a strong piece that confuses the heck out of me, but dang it I'd keep reading. You betcha I would.
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Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 28, 2024 18:57:26 GMT -6
SPaG/Writing notes:
Needs a comma after finally
This feels clunky to read, I think the "use powers" part could do as its own little short sentence.
Artistic notes:
I'm immediately struck by the concept of the chains. It's a very cool magic, invisible chains shackling the guilty. But it's a very strange magic, mostly because it feels like a worse punishment for her than Bill. There seems to be a touch of divinity in her pottery, and not being able to take joy in that feels a bit extreme for her when it was Bill who really erred. I think I need to know more about this cult, about the magic they use, their relationship to the MC and the world as a whole.
I'm also wondering why it's abnormal for Bill to be happy during this meeting. If his shackles have been removed, I would expect him to be at least a bit more cheery.
This is such a cool way to show us the release of her burden, and the toll it takes on her.
This is what made me wonder about the reasoning for the bonded punishment, because it hints at something something the perils of resentment and grudges and whatnot. Also a neat little exposition into how some of their magic works.
Main Questions I have:
- I'm assuming Bill was punished for slandering her craft, and therefore sort of blaspheming as well? But the line about him being biased is what really makes this question pop in my mind.
- I have to know more about this cult and the MC's faith, and what she gets out of being involved with them.
- There's a note that Bill is cheery, and I wonder what this spells for the coming pages?
Prompt notes:
It threw me for a second, because it's written as time is up more than out of time. But it's the same thing, and it totally works!
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