|
|
Post by Alatariel on Jun 16, 2024 11:32:53 GMT -6
Title: The Third Slope
Words: 199.
“Melissa, the Necromal Crown needs the request soon! Their nemesis trackers are riding maybe a quarter-hour behind. What are you doing with it??”
“Hold your blood horses, Fred. It is missing vital words,” Melissa said exasperatedly.
“Like you can amend a magic request not written by us,” Fred said.
“The secondary terms are missing. Having none loses us this chance for the dozenth time,” Melissa said.
“Scribble if you must. Outside I spotted three Sceptre Knights, just beyond the Third Slope!”
Melissa’s wrist twitched as though she utilized a speed incantation. “Dude, we don't even have a proper hideout anymore.”
“Ah, on the contrary. We can barely get a head start.”
“Done.” She rolled it and packed writing items into her satchel. “If we mess this up, it's both our arses that lose access to Blue Rock’s resources.”
“That’s why you’re the one with the quill.”
“In the name of Lyon.” She rolled her eyes. Melissa’s pack jostled around jogging out the dilapidated house’s front door.
She threw a leg over her blood horse and smirked. “It’s been sixty Springs since our people had this opportunity.”
Fred started on his blood horse, glancing back with a wide grin.“Hallelujah.”
|
|
|
|
Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 17, 2024 19:17:28 GMT -6
I enjoy the dynamic between the two. The dialogue and the mild tension as Fred hurries Melissa along make this a more fun introduction than if you'd just narrated that she's adding to an official document in a hurry.
Some more scene setting would be nice, but I know we don't have much space. Apparently they can see past the Third Slope from where they are. It made me assume there must be quite a majestic view when they go outside. It would be helpful to get more information on the setting.
The dialogue seemed pretty good, except this line feels unnatural. If the Knights are a major threat, even if they're still pretty far in the distance, it's weird that he would wait for a fitting space in the conversation to tell her that, and stick it after his first sentence, at that.
It's a nice touch how "Necromal" and "blood horses" suggest they aren't the good guys, bringing up some curiosity. And then Melissa says "our people" could use the opportunity they haven't had in a long time, which throws some ambiguity into it because it sounds like maybe they're an oppressed people— but then, maybe "our people" is just an organized crime ring. These little hints make it interesting to know what's next.
I see the prompt: Melissa is running out of time to squeeze some terms into the document. Perhaps also the modern language juxtaposed with knights, quill writing, and horseback riding is taking things "out of their time period."
Doesn't need the dialogue tags since they already established their names. Could've saved a few words, and the tags might feel kind of repetitive and wordy.
Minor grammatical error:
Should be "as she jogged out," or else the pack is doing the jogging.
Wasn't quite sure what this means. Is it saying she's employed by Lyon to work with official documents like this, but she isn't loyal to them and actually sneaks in clauses in self-interest like she does today?
|
|
|
|
Post by havekrillwhaletravel on Jun 20, 2024 8:08:45 GMT -6
This hook sets up a lot of questions. I found the central premise really compelling: They're racing against time to amend a magical treaty (? I'm going to call it a treaty). This treaty seems to be updated sporadically and - presumably through magical means - dictates the livelihoods and well-being of entire communities.
It's an idea that seems to promise some fun, magical legal shenanigans. I can also see it serving as a springboard to dive into deeper issues of ethics if the writer chooses to head down that direction.
The other questions are also intriguing: Who are the peoples Melissa and Fred represent, and why did they get the seeming short end of the parchment scroll? Why are things down to the wire? What are the amendments Melissa is trying to squeeze in?
Two thoughts (not necessarily criticisms) that I had from this piece:
1. I'm not sure if the Sceptre Knights' appearance is supposed to be suspenseful or not. The humorous, extended dialogue between Fred and Melissa keeps the tone light. It also slows things down, making it seem like the Sceptre Knights aren't a credible threat and our protagonists have plenty of time to slip away.
2. I can't make sense of the setting. The presence of magic, terms/phrases like the Necromal Crown and "In the name of Lyon" (which I'm guessing is their equivalent of "Oh my god") suggest we're on a fantasy world, and not our mundane Earth. Yet this is also a world with Earth-ian slang like "dude" and Christianity. Again, this isn't necessarily a criticism because all of this could easily be clarified and explained in the rest of the story. But I did find myself puzzling over the setting while I was reading this.
|
|
|
|
Post by pelwrath on Jun 24, 2024 9:10:43 GMT -6
A nice fantasy story opener and with what appear to be a pair of thieves, bravo. Good dialogue and banter between them. What are they stealing (copying)?
Title: The Third Slope
Words: 199.
“Melissa, the Necromal Crown needs the request soon! Their nemesis trackers are riding maybe a quarter-hour behind. What are you doing with it??”
“Hold your blood horses,Liked this phrase. Fred. It is missing vital words,” Melissa said exasperatedly.
“Like you can amend a magic request not written by us,” Fred said.
“The secondary terms are missing. Having none loses us this chance for the dozenth time,” Melissa said.
“Scribble if you must, but hurry! Outside I spotted Three Sceptre Knights, just beyond the Third Slope!”Yet only 15 minutes away?
Melissa’s wrist twitched as though she utilized a speed incantation. “Dude, we don't even have a proper hideout anymore.”
“Ah, on the contrary. We can barely get a head start.”
“Done.” She rolled it and packed writing items into her satchel. “If we mess this up, it's both our arses that lose access to Blue Rock’s resources.”
“That’s why you’re the one with the quill.” A jest in their enjoyable banter or is she leaving her partner to be captured.
|
|
|
|
Post by Caulder Melhaire on Jun 26, 2024 17:46:14 GMT -6
SPaG/Writing notes:
Melissa’s pack jostled around jogging as she jogged out the dilapidated house’s front door.
“Hold your blood horses, Fred. It is missing vital words,” Melissa said exasperatedly. I think exasperatedly is implied here, so you could shave the dialogue tag.
This line tripped me up and I'm still not 100% sure what it's telling me. It feels sarcastic, like Melissa is making changes to this magical request and Fred doubts her aptitude? Even though she seems to be actively editing it in this scene, and (maybe) preparing to add these secondary terms. It could also just be me being a bit dull.
Artistic notes:
I think the biggest source of intrigue in this is what the “request” is. It reads like a magical contract, agreement, treaty, etc. It’s clearly important to capitalizing on this iconic chance they have, and feels like a fundamental part of the world. I also definitely need to see more of the setting: there’s a lot of world-relevant terms that get dropped in this short span, and I feel like it kind of pulls me out of the scene a bit to wonder at what they all mean and how they'll come together in the next 200+ words. But things like
Are neat little looks into common phrasing and power structures (like is Lyon a deity, a king, an employer, mythical figure?)
On that note, there’s magic, and knights, and fantasy-sounding jargon… but then there’s also “dude” and “hallelujah” and very Earth-y sounding names. Combined with the dialogue, and magical contracts, it feels almost like a... fantasy heist rebellion sort of thing going on. Which, I would honestly love to read a story in that genre, because it's a fantastic take. A battle of thieving and forging magical documents would be amazing to see.
Main questions I have:
- Are Melissa and Fred working for the Necromal Crown, or are they intercepting this request and changing things before it gets delivered?
- What are the requests, and how do they impact the world at large?
- What is so important about this opportunity: there's a chance to claim resources, so what are we going to learn about the situation of the people who need this chance?
Prompt notes:
Our characters are pinned between nemesis trackers and Sceptre Knights, trying frantically to edit a magical document before they lose sight of a rare opportunity. They’re clearly up against multiple clocks at once!
|
|
|
|
Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 28, 2024 10:47:00 GMT -6
Interesting and clever use of dialogue to set the scene in this piece. Indeed, exchanges between Melissa and Fred are virtually the total composition. I don't know that the use of "Dude" quite fits with the other observations, such as "blood horses" and "Necromal Crown." Seems to be something of a contradiction in time periods.
I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors.
This is a good hook. Leaves unanswered questions, which is always a plus, and promises what could be an epic showdown. As for relevance of the prompt, obviously time is running out and so, this fulfills the challenge.
|
|
|
|
Post by Alatariel on Jun 28, 2024 17:29:29 GMT -6
From the first sentence we are given information that time is tight and they need to do this thing quickly. That automatically pulls the reader into the situation and naturally pulls us forward. Do I know what's happening? Nope. Do I keep reading anyway to try and figure it out? Yup! That's a hook, folks! I don't need all the information in the first 200 words, I just need enough to propel me forward and onto the next page.
What's the necromal crown? Who are these people, what's their relationship to one another? Why are they doing this? It's okay and expected to have all those questions immediately upon reading the first 200 words. I'm intrigued about blood horses and Lyon and other little bits dropped here and there to add to the world-building and setting. There are some modern phrases that throw me through a loop but once again, at this point, I'm more curious than anything else and would wonder if this is a group of modern day earth humans in a magical world. I just read a litRPG book where aliens throw humans into a game-like situations with magic. So there are a lot of uses of "dude" and modern swear words and slang because that's who the characters are! They just also happen to be in a situation where they might run into an ogre or goblin, or find a spellbook or run into a god or goddess.
Fun situation and it's definitely enough for me to say "What's next??"
|
|
You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
