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Post by Alatariel on Jun 16, 2024 11:31:26 GMT -6
Withdrawn by choice of the entrant due to time constraints
Title: The Stopover at Charing Cross Station Word Count: 194 Genre: fantasy Trigger Warnings: n/a THE STOPOVER AT CHARING CROSS STATION I snap shut the pocket watch and stuff it into my waistcoat. The train is late. How can the train be late? It’s my train! I refit the engine with my tech. I laid the tracks it runs on. I set the clock precisely. It should be rumbling into the station now. But, then, time in 1890 is hardly dictated by a satellite’s accuracy. I take the watch out again, shake it. The damn thing, decidedly not my handiwork, has run fast since I purchased it three days ago. If its gears are again at fault, my train may yet be on schedule. It must! A man strides past, a woman on his arm. I touch his shoulder. “Sir, have you the time?” He compares his watch to mine. “You’re seven minutes slow. Or I’m fast.” Slow? No!To this man and his woman my face betrays undue panic. “Steady on,” he says. “The 4:48 isn’t due for another quarter hour.” In horror I gaze down at the iron rails and the thin aluminum strips laid between them. Strips that I laid myself, a hundred and thirty years from now. “Where is my train?” |
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Post by havekrillwhaletravel on Jun 17, 2024 1:28:54 GMT -6
I think this hook does a lot of things successfully. It succeeds in making you want to read on, presenting an immediate question of why this guy is so pressed about a train being late. There seems to be little room for error in the character's plans - or they've failed to account for the train being possibly late. So, if they miss the train, what else is being derailed (heh)? It also provides a question for the long-term: why/how this person has traveled back in time.
The hook also characterizes the narrator a bit. I get the sense that they're a fussy person, a somewhat myopic person - smart enough to build a train and (presumably) transport themselves back in time, but also chaotic enough to neglect giving their schedule some leeway in case the train's late. I wish this was a contest with a much longer word requirement, so I could find out just a bit more what exactly happens next. Which I think makes this a good hook!
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Jun 17, 2024 22:33:36 GMT -6
Hmm, steampunk fantasy? I like it whatever it is.
The whole thing is a buildup of stress. So it makes me want to know why. It carries on past the last sentence, so this as a hook can work well. You also litter it with time appropriate tech while keeping the dialogue modernized. I like it. One suggestion is when the character shakes the broken pocket watch, show what part of it moves or stays put. You do mention "if its gears are at fault...". That can be the source internally. Maybe show an off angle hour hand, or we think we hear a piece of metal bouncing around inside.
You add a good twist at the end with "Strips I laid myself, a hundred and thirty years from now". Interesting. It adds to the foreshadowing a few lines before.
Lastly, with just five lines of dialogue you show different character voices. Nicely done! This is a good hook.
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You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
