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Post by Alatariel on Mar 24, 2024 9:30:04 GMT -6
Please help with this possible blurb for one of my novels. I quickly wrote it because I wanted to see if I could narrow the focus down enough to make it into a back-of-the-book blurb. Help me find stronger words and make confusing parts more clear. What are your first impressions? Would you read the story? It's less than 200 words.The Dream Division, where dreams are made by highly skilled immortal beings, Dreamcasters, and nightmares are contained safely away from the mortal world by the mysterious Shadowspeakers.
Newly graduated from the academy, Vesper is eager to apprentice for the greatest Dreamcaster in the known universe, Orpheus. But her life is unexpectedly altered when she's instead assigned to the Shadowspeaker Meridian, a recluse who hasn't taken an apprentice since his last one disappeared.
Chaos erupts when a mutated nightmare breaks containment and Vesper is forced to abandon rigid protocol and use a forbidden and dangerous method of protection- erasing the nightmare from existence. The unpredictable consequences of that one decision reverberates throughout the Dream Division, rewriting reality and hiding the real reason the nightmare broke free.
Vesper, Meridian, and a small group of trusted allies must work to save their comfortable predictable world from succumbing to a new army of sentient nightmares that never should've been able to exist. To stop the one responsible for the new terror they face, Vesper will need to challenge everything she's ever been taught and step fully into her role as Shadowspeaker before the nightmares begin to invade the mortal realm- Earth.
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Mar 24, 2024 23:31:13 GMT -6
Please help with this possible blurb for one of my novels. I quickly wrote it because I wanted to see if I could narrow the focus down enough to make it into a back-of-the-book blurb. Help me find stronger words and make confusing parts more clear. What are your first impressions? Would you read the story? It's less than 200 words.The Dream Division, where dreams are made by highly skilled immortal beings, Dreamcasters, and nightmares are contained safely away from the mortal world by the mysterious Shadowspeakers.
Newly graduated from the academy, Vesper is eager to apprentice for the greatest Dreamcaster in the known universe, Orpheus. But her life is unexpectedly altered when she's instead assigned to the Shadowspeaker Meridian, a recluse who hasn't taken an apprentice since his last one disappeared.
Chaos erupts when a mutated nightmare breaks containment and Vesper is forced to abandon rigid protocol and use a forbidden and dangerous method of protection- erasing the nightmare from existence. The unpredictable consequences of that one decision reverberates throughout the Dream Division, rewriting reality and hiding the real reason the nightmare broke free.
Vesper, Meridian, and a small group of trusted allies must work to save their comfortable predictable world from succumbing to a new army of sentient nightmares that never should've been able to exist. To stop the one responsible for the new terror they face, Vesper will need to challenge everything she's ever been taught and step fully into her role as Shadowspeaker before the nightmares begin to invade the mortal realm- Earth. I like the word choice; its pretty epic sounding. Lets see.... The Dream Division, where dreams are made by highly skilled immortal beings , (-)Dreamcasters (-) , and nightmares are contained safely away from the mortal world by the mysterious Shadowspeakers. (use dashes to separate Dreamcasters from the rest of the sentence. The commas make it look like as list instead of giving information.)
Newly graduated from the academy, Vesper is eager to apprentice for the greatest Dreamcaster in the known universe, Orpheus. But (H)her life is unexpectedly altered when she's instead assigned to the Shadowspeaker Meridian, a recluse who hasn't taken an apprentice since his last one disappeared. Chaos erupts when a mutated nightmare breaks containment (.) and Vesper is forced to abandon rigid protocol and use a forbidden and dangerous (two similar words meaning the same thing in this context. Id pick one) method of protection- erasing the nightmare from existence. The unpredictable consequences of that one decision reverberates throughout the Dream Division, rewriting reality and hiding the real reason the nightmare broke free. Vesper, Meridian, and a small group of trusted allies must work to save their comfortable (,) predictable world from succumbing to a new army of sentient nightmares that never should've been able to exist. To stop the one responsible for the new terror they face, Vesper will need to challenge everything she's ever been taught and step fully into her role as Shadowspeaker before the nightmares begin to invade the mortal realm- Earth. ## Woah. I really like how this sounds. Visceral, dramatic, action packed, fascinating. maybe funny? It sounds like something I'd try reading. |
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Post by Alatariel on Mar 26, 2024 18:49:08 GMT -6
HDSimplicityy THANK YOU for the feedback! Gah, I second-guess myself so much. I'm never sure what's enough information and what's too much. It made me so happy to read your thoughts and reactions. I was going for all the adjectives you used and your suggestions help polish it. Eager to see what others think and how they'll shred it.
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Post by HDSimplicityy on Mar 26, 2024 21:51:52 GMT -6
Alatariel Of course! Its okay to overwrite these the first few times with information. Par them down afterword using the right words. Though I suspect that someone will point out overuse of adjectives. Some blurbs go all out like that and they sell nicely. To add a bit more: the line "The unpredictable consequences of that one decision reverberates throughout..." has a lot of syllables. "The consequences of that decision reverberates throughout..." is less word salad imo.
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Post by Bird on Mar 29, 2024 15:16:30 GMT -6
Please help with this possible blurb for one of my novels. I quickly wrote it because I wanted to see if I could narrow the focus down enough to make it into a back-of-the-book blurb. Help me find stronger words and make confusing parts more clear. What are your first impressions? Would you read the story? It's less than 200 words.The Dream Division, where dreams are made by highly skilled immortal beings, Dreamcasters, and nightmares are contained safely away from the mortal world by the mysterious Shadowspeakers.
Newly graduated from the academy, Vesper is eager to apprentice for the greatest Dreamcaster in the known universe, Orpheus. But her life is unexpectedly altered when she's instead assigned to the Shadowspeaker Meridian, a recluse who hasn't taken an apprentice since his last one disappeared. ((This feels too impersonal. Get more visceral here. Maybe: "her hopes are dashed when she's abruptly assigned to the" or something with more of a punch. So we feel her shock here at the assignment.)
Chaos erupts when a mutated nightmare breaks containment and Vesper is forced to abandon rigid protocol and use a forbidden and dangerous method of protection- erasing the nightmare from existence. The unpredictable consequences of that one decision reverberates throughout the Dream Division, rewriting rewrites reality and hiding hides (or could use masks) the real reason the nightmare broke free. ((Does this happen within the first two chapters? And is the book more about the consequences? I ask because this gives away a plot point. I would strikeout what exactly she does in order to leave that a mystery for the reader.))
Vesper, Meridian, and a small group of trusted allies must work to save their comfortable predictable world from succumbing to a new army of sentient nightmares that never should've been able to have existed. To stop the one responsible for the new terror they face, Vesper will need to challenge everything she's ever been taught and step fully into her role as Shadowspeaker before the nightmares begin to invade the mortal realm - Earth. I mostly tightened it up and tried to make it more intense. As it stands, it sounds more like a synopsis for a query letter. But if you want it to be a book blurb, then you need to keep it a bit more mysterious. Don't give away too much details. Just use impactful verbs and just enough details to get the reader wondering, so that they'll pick up the book to uncover the secrets you taunt in the blurb. Good job on this though! I hope I helped. |
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Post by Alatariel on Mar 29, 2024 16:20:39 GMT -6
Please help with this possible blurb for one of my novels. I quickly wrote it because I wanted to see if I could narrow the focus down enough to make it into a back-of-the-book blurb. Help me find stronger words and make confusing parts more clear. What are your first impressions? Would you read the story? It's less than 200 words.The Dream Division, where dreams are made by highly skilled immortal beings, Dreamcasters, and nightmares are contained safely away from the mortal world by the mysterious Shadowspeakers.
Newly graduated from the academy, Vesper is eager to apprentice for the greatest Dreamcaster in the known universe, Orpheus. But her life is unexpectedly altered when she's instead assigned to the Shadowspeaker Meridian, a recluse who hasn't taken an apprentice since his last one disappeared. ((This feels too impersonal. Get more visceral here. Maybe: "her hopes are dashed when she's abruptly assigned to the" or something with more of a punch. So we feel her shock here at the assignment.)
Chaos erupts when a mutated nightmare breaks containment and Vesper is forced to abandon rigid protocol and use a forbidden and dangerous method of protection- erasing the nightmare from existence. The unpredictable consequences of that one decision reverberates throughout the Dream Division, rewriting rewrites reality and hiding hides (or could use masks) the real reason the nightmare broke free. ((Does this happen within the first two chapters? And is the book more about the consequences? I ask because this gives away a plot point. I would strikeout what exactly she does in order to leave that a mystery for the reader.))
Vesper, Meridian, and a small group of trusted allies must work to save their comfortable predictable world from succumbing to a new army of sentient nightmares that never should've been able to have existed. To stop the one responsible for the new terror they face, Vesper will need to challenge everything she's ever been taught and step fully into her role as Shadowspeaker before the nightmares begin to invade the mortal realm - Earth. I mostly tightened it up and tried to make it more intense. As it stands, it sounds more like a synopsis for a query letter. But if you want it to be a book blurb, then you need to keep it a bit more mysterious. Don't give away too much details. Just use impactful verbs and just enough details to get the reader wondering, so that they'll pick up the book to uncover the secrets you taunt in the blurb. Good job on this though! I hope I helped. THANK YOU! And to answer your question about when things happen- everything mentioned happens in the first chapter and the whole story is dealing with the consequences of erasing one nightmare in the very beginning of the story! It was actually really hard keeping all the rest under wraps. I appreciate check in with that. I love your suggestions about making the wording reflect Vesper's true feelings about the unexpected turn of events- being assigned as a Shadowspeaker instead of a Dreamcaster.  Saying it could work for a query letter is actually REALLY encouraging. |
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Post by pelwrath on Mar 31, 2024 18:13:56 GMT -6
Please help with this possible blurb for one of my novels. I quickly wrote it because I wanted to see if I could narrow the focus down enough to make it into a back-of-the-book blurb. Help me find stronger words and make confusing parts more clear. What are your first impressions? Would you read the story? It's less than 200 words.
The Dream Division, where dreams are made by the skilled immortal beings, Dreamcasters, and nightmares are contained safely away from the mortal world by the mysterious Shadowspeakers.
Newly graduated from the academy, Vesper is eager to apprentice for the greatest Dreamcaster in the known universe, Orpheus. But her life is unexpectedly altered when she's instead assigned to the Shadowspeaker Meridian, a recluse who hasn't taken an apprentice since his last one disappeared.
Chaos erupts when a mutated nightmare breaks containment and Vesper is forced to abandon rigid protocol and use a forbidden and dangerous method of protection- erasing the nightmare from existence. The unpredictable consequences of that one decision reverberates throughout the Dream Division, rewriting reality and hiding the real reason the nightmare broke free.
Vesper, Meridian, and a small group of trusted allies must work to save their comfortable predictable world from succumbing to a new army of sentient nightmares that never should've been able to exist. To stop the one responsible for the new terror they face, Vesper will need to challenge everything she's ever been taught and step fully into her role as Shadowspeaker before the nightmares begin to invade the mortal realm- Earth.
I think you have a rather good blurb here, Ala. I like it and would be interested in reading it. For me there are a few minor things, the biggest being the name and I rewrote it as I would do it I like thecharacters names and the set up you've constructed. Hopefuly this helps.
Pelwrath
The name, Dream Division, has a sports ring to it. Maybe Dream Cartography Inc.
Welcome to Dream Cartography Inc., where the perfect dreams are crafted by the exceptonally skilled--Dreamcasters. More importantly those pesky nightmares are cordoned off from the mortal realm by the reclusive Shadowspeakers.
Vesper, a new graduate is eagerly awaiting her residency assignment to the ledgendary Dreamcaster, Orpheus. Her dream becomes a nightmare when she's unexpectedly assigned to the reclusive Shadowspeaker, Meridian. His first such a few hundred years since his last apprentice disappeared. (a name should be here) Early in her training, a mutated nightmare slips through the cordoning wall, forcing Vesper to violate strict protocal and use a dnagerus and forbidden method of protection--erasing the nightmare from esixtance.
Her action reverberates throughout Dream Cartography. Reallity is rewritten to cover up the incident, yet also hiding the reason the mutation escaped.
Vesper, Meridian,and a few trusted friends and associates need to save their ordered world from succumbing to an army of sentient nightmares that shouldn't exist. They need to find and stop the one responsible for this new terror. Vesper will need challege everythingshe's been taught and become a Shadowspeaker before she's ready. Thesenew nightmares re gathering to invade the mortal relm--Earth.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Apr 10, 2024 9:29:56 GMT -6
Wow, I finally had the bandwidth to comment, but it looks like you already received loads of great feedback. Great job, everyone!
I'll drop in my two cents, even though you've probably already addressed all the things.
Those were the only things that popped out at me. This idea is so stellar. It's wonderful to know you've continued working on it.
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Post by Alatariel on Apr 12, 2024 10:53:18 GMT -6
RAVENEYE oh I'm glad you got a chance to see/read it and give me some feedback! Tightening it up, making it more succinct, that's the goal. Of course, this is so preliminary, but I wanted to do it now so it can help me keep the story focused. I love this idea and I wrote about 20k before getting distracted and starting a new project, but after reading stuff on Manuscript Wishlist I decided this story was the one I wanted to focus on finishing. It was either this one or my shoulder devil story and this one needs less work. So it wins!
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Saying it could work for a query letter is actually REALLY encouraging. 
You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
