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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 17, 2023 22:50:03 GMT -6
Title:Untitled
Genre:Low Fantasy
Trigger Warnings: None
On a sunny June morning, on the steps of a cabin, under the shade of tall trees, laid a reminder of a previous sin. A small, black, gift box, fit for a single piece of jewelry, sat at my doorstep. I shuddered at what it meant. I once received a silver and glass heart-shaped pendant from my love.
When he left, it broke me. In revenge, I took away what he deprived me of. I stole his love and passion in the form of a flame and imprisoned it in the pendant and disappeared. There was no one worthy of him after me.
Was I finally found? Am I going to be punished? Reluctantly, I opened it. The coffer was empty. Nothing. How disappointing. I set the container aside with a sense of relief.
As the wind passed through the trees and swayed their branches, I heard a small voice. I looked around. No one was around. I heard it again and jolted upright. After the third time, I realized it came from the casket. I crouched cautiously next to it and listened. Softly, it whispered once again: "Give it back."
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Post by DreamingoftheMist on Jun 19, 2023 1:25:31 GMT -6
Interesting but somewhat like reading a run-on sentence. The scene and the character's connection to it need to be organized and described more. The one question I come away with is how a gift box turned into a casket.
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Post by Mazulla on Jun 19, 2023 14:46:50 GMT -6
This is a really intriguing concept and reminds me of a fairy tale. I love the idea of imprisoning his "love and passion" in a pendant, sort of an "if I can't have you, no one can" response from the lover, but you get the impression that they carry some guilt as a result.
I really like this sentence: As the wind passed through the trees and swayed their branches, I heard a small voice, and then the build up to an imploring "Give it back." Sets the tone for the story to be a little eerie.
I think some of the prose can be tightened:
On a sunny June morning, on the steps of a cabin, under the shade of tall trees, laid a reminder of a previous sin. Although I LOVE the "laid a reminder of a previous sin," I think everything before this should be tightened up. In particular, I don't think leading with "On a sunny June morning" adds much to this, and the weather and/or month could be inserted elsewhere.
A small, black, gift box, fit for a single piece of jewelry, sat at my doorstep. I thought this read a bit clunky and could be rewritten. Just in example: The gift box sitting at my doorstep was small and black, fit for a single piece of jewelry.
I looked around. No one was around. Used "around" back-to-back and ended both sentences with it, maybe amend the 2nd "around" to "No one was there" or "There was no one."
I could see this being a really good fairy tale-esque short story. Please expand on this more, I'd love to see where you go with it! In particular, answering the questions of: Why did he leave them? Who is asking for it back? What consequences will they grapple with if they don't return it?
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 23, 2023 13:25:14 GMT -6
Through the vagueness of details, and the distance the narrator takes from events, this opening has the feel of a fairytale. Intentional? The first sentence is great. Such a pleasant setting undercut by that last phrase. The mood takes a dark turn at once, which is exciting.
The last sentence of the 1st paragraph, along with the 2nd paragraph, is backstory that’s a bit info-dumpy at this point in the tale. I suggest building the mystery of the box, along with the narrator’s dread of it and the voice speaking from it before going into what the box could contain. The last para is a bit rough and could do with a bit of polish to smooth out the flow and build suspense.
That said, I would definitely turn the page to find out if the voice is what the 2nd para implies, and to see what trouble this spells for the narrator and what they do in response.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 24, 2023 19:37:12 GMT -6
This is a clever use of fantasy to explore more realistic feelings. Wishing one's partner won't be able to find anyone else is a believable real-world feeling, and so is guilt about it, or at least fear of being caught doing something wrong. And both those feelings are manifested here in magical ways. I think this is a very good reason to dip into the fantastical.
I'm confused as to what the character was worried would be in the box. Another enchanted piece of jewelry, by which their ex was going to get revenge on them? Making that clear would also help raise the stakes and make the worry more grounded in the beginning of the story.
Stealing passion in the form of a flame is a cool idea. I wish that second paragraph was a little more concrete in a 'showing, not telling' way.
on the steps of a cabin I feel like it should say "on the steps of my cabin" — I just thought it sounded weird saying "a cabin" detachedly when it belongs to this character.
Grammar A small, black, gift box Doesn't need the comma after 'black.' 'Gift' isn't an adjective.
Am I going to be punished? Shifts to present tense
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Post by Soliton on Jun 26, 2023 8:48:13 GMT -6
I liked the poetic first sentence which fore warned us with the phrase “reminder of a previous sin.” What could this sin be I wondered? Next we are lead to suspect the POV maybe a witch to be able to imprison passion and love in an object. This is harsh. Intrigue follows an empty coffer yet a tell-tale that the “jig-was-up” and she was discovered. The last sentence to me lead me to believe her lover had some magic as well to beacon her to “Give it back.” Note to self never spurn a magic person and think to get off “scot-free.”
I would surely read on to see how this clash between magic folk works out. It was a interesting approach and insight into the private world of interpersonal magic relationships.
As a hook-um, I saw mystery and intrigue to catch the reader. Also, I felt it built up to a cliffhanger to interest the reader as well. The opening “phrase “a reminder of a previous sin” caught me from the start. As a hook-um, it succeeded. Well done.
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Post by OnBardicWings on Jun 29, 2023 12:46:00 GMT -6
I like the wider world implied here, though I wish things were a little less vague as to who exactly the narrator is. 200 words is a tight limit, but it does seem like a little more time could be spent on who is talking and less on the exact emotions they felt from their recent(?) breakup.
I also want to know what it means that they've been found. Why is someone looking for them, and who is it? Is it their lost lover? Is the pendant enchanted? Leaving the reader with plenty of questions is good for a hook like this, but I do wonder if having just one answer might make things feel a little more focused.
This does end strong though, and now I want to know who or what the voice was, and why they want the pendant back.
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 29, 2023 16:24:35 GMT -6
This fascinated me immediately. It has a fable-like quality with some truly exceptional phrasing, with "reminder of a previous sin" probably being my favourite. I waited breathlessly for the box to be opened, only to find within....nothing!!!! It was disappointing, no doubt, but so deliciously unexpected. The tension then subsides only to be resurrected with the request of "Give it back." Of course I would read on. Who wouldn't want to know what happens next?
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