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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 17, 2023 22:45:55 GMT -6
Title: The Hand that Holds the Knife
Genre: Fantasy
Trigger Warnings: N/A
How had they known? Nobody in this land knew, or at least all that did were dead, as I had made sure. Had I really been that careless? I had put all my years of training to use, practiced every skull which I now try so hard to forget, all to make sure that nobody was left who knew what I was, what I am…
I hesitate to look at that bronze-bound ebon box again, for I know exactly what lies within, and what it symbolizes. The withered hand of a marmoset, mummified red with cochineal and pine resin, seems almost to beckon to me even from within that wooden box. The sigil of Bakhbannu the hidden god, tattooed on its palm, remains burned into my eyes every time I now close them.
I write this to you now not to attempt any escape. My fate is sealed, and fate is ever inexorable. I write merely that you may know what happened and from whence came the sinister wound that will strike me down. My order know of my attempt to leave their ranks, and now someone else has hired them against me.
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Post by DreamingoftheMist on Jun 19, 2023 1:10:46 GMT -6
This is info dump with all the required information condensed to fit the word limit. But it's interesting. It should clearly state at the beginning the main character is writing a letter and who and why he or she's writing it. Something like "I write this at such a late hour to explain my absence and actions. For I received the box..." It should say more about the character.
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Post by OnBardicWings on Jun 21, 2023 12:31:11 GMT -6
I like the wider world this hints at, but the first paragraph should probably do a little more to introduce who the character is. Maybe addressing the letter or even just the character naming themselves could have shed some more light on things.
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Post by Mazulla on Jun 22, 2023 22:32:30 GMT -6
This is an interesting premise and I can tell there seem to be other ideas for the rest of the story and the world. I like the description of the marmoset hand with a tattooed sigil on its palm - it's creepy and piqued my interest. Reminds me of the "black spot" from Treasure Island, or the Dark Brotherhood hand symbol, but more sinister (assuming that's what it means, that they're a target).
I was surprised by the 3rd paragraph that it was meant to be a letter, so I'd establish that very early on. To me, the previous two paragraphs aren't consistent with it being a letter to another person; it reads as if it's all an internal dialogue/observation. For a letter format, you could convey the information differently so they're describing what's happened, what they received, and their fate to the other person, and maybe also include the sender's and receiver's names so we know who we're dealing with. Or, start it from their perspective, and show a transition to them writing a letter. "So and so, I write this to you..."
There is quite a bit of exposition in a short 200 words -- I'd recommend figuring out what readers need to know right away, then sprinkle details of who they are, the world, the "order" and the people that are after them, gods (Bakhbannu?), etc. in your descriptions and dialogue. i.e. Since we don't know who Bakbannu is, you might describe what the sigil looks like but later (maybe in the letter) reveal that it belongs to this "Bakbannu the Hidden God"? (It would be more natural in dialogue since they're communicating as if the other person knows what it means)
every skull which I now try so hard to forget. Should "skull" be "skill?"
seems almost to beckon to me even from within that wooden box. Would remove "even."
which I now try so hard to forget
my eyes every time I now close them.
I write this to you now not to attempt any escape. "Now" could be used more sparsely or removed altogether from these - I think the sentences would flow better without.
I like what you have so far and I look forward to seeing where it goes if you're turning it into a longer story.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 23, 2023 13:20:03 GMT -6
I love a good fantasy, and a mummified hand with the haunting sigil of a god on it is such a fun idea! The prompt is well addressed in that second paragraph, and I wonder what the box and the hand have to do with the rest of the story’s plot. This is definitely the opening of a complicated epic story.
The issues I’m identifying:
1. Verb tense – the opening sentences don’t match with the rest in terms of “then” and “now.” Since the main bulk is in present tense, the opening would match better if the verb tense were altered to: “How had they known? Nobody in this land knows, or at least all who did are dead, as I had made sure. … all to make sure that nobody is left who knows what I am…” I am very curious to learn who “they” are, so I hope you’ve written more on this.
2. Vagueness – The richness of epic fantasy depends a great deal on its worldbuilding, so any time there’s a hole of vagueness left gaping, it leaves the fantasy lover asking ,“What goes there that I should be learning?” Example: “Nobody in this land knew” – what’s the name of the land where this story takes place? Go ahead and plug it in. The reader will catch up, and they’ll start to develop ideas about the setting just based on the name alone. Second Example: “my order” – go ahead and name it for the same reasons just stated.
3. Flow – the three paragraphs, honestly, might be placed in any order. This demonstrates that the narration has yet to find a fluid, organic flow. Each paragraph is almost three different topics, where the first and third are related, with the second thrown in because the prompt had to fit in somewhere. This is remedied with a little more scene development and weaving into the narrative the ties that bind the topics together. Easy enough once the contest is over.
And then there’s the pesky issue of the typo: skull. But it’s a good one, looks like a believably Freudian slip someone who has killed lots of people might actually have.
All that said, I’m totally intrigued by the different elements at play here (the hand, the reason behind the killings, the order, wound and who inflicted it, and who the narrator is writing to), and I would keep reading to find out more.
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Post by Soliton on Jun 26, 2023 8:44:24 GMT -6
The POV is an assassin on the run. The opening predicament was an intriguing and gripping hook ‘em technique. The classic mummified tattooed hand of a marmoset in a bronze-bound ebon box was a great dramatic and ominous hook ‘em technique. The hook ‘em technique of a drama is employeed to lend a hopeless fate for the POV. Since the assassin POV continues on the run this is a great page turner. Will the POV make it? This entry shows good use of hook ‘em techniques. Job well done.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 26, 2023 19:44:59 GMT -6
This feels like it has a big and well-developed world behind it, and that makes it intriguing. I'm curious what the character's fate is or what they think it is, and what powerful skills they used to escape capture.
It's written in a subtly archaic style that I think really helps establish an old-fashioned flavor and gives his letter an elevated tone:
for I know exactly what lies within, and what it symbolizes. Using a more olden 'for' instead of 'as' or 'because' for example, and that comma that we probably wouldn't use in modern times.
I think in general, information could be released a little differently. I find the first paragraph too vague to catch my attention. As I read it, it's like, How had they known? Okay, I'll find out soon what they knew— Nobody in this land knew, What land? Guess I'll find out— or at least all that did were dead, as I had made sure. And I'll also need to find out how the character made sure they were dead— Had I really been that careless? As well as what the character was careless about—
I had put all my years of training to use Training in what? And so on. Things get a lot more concrete in the second paragraph, but the first feels like it has little to hold on to. It goes beyond leaving things unknown to evoke curiosity; every sentence piles on a new question about what's going on.
The last sentence just kind of dumps that they left the order and the order is now after them. It feels late in the story to supply this crucial fact that gives meaning to a bunch of the other stuff we've seen. Plus, and I understand this particular thing might well be explained in the sentences to come, it makes me confused about how it relates to being hunted for "what I was, what I am" — as in, they're being hunted by the order for being a former member or what?
I think this last fact could do better woven in with the box part somehow, just a quick hint of their past or how the order is involved, and how this relates to the hand. Just as an example:
The sigil of Bakhbannu the hidden god, tattooed on its palm, remains burned into my eyes every time I now close them. Long had it been since I'd associated with the few people who knew that forbidden sign.
Or:
I hesitate to look at that bronze-bound ebon box again, for I know exactly what lies within, and the betrayal by my former order that it symbolizes.
— Something like that.
Grammar practiced every skull
every skill?
from whence came the sinister wound Doesn't need 'from'
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Post by Sundrinker on Jun 28, 2023 18:00:32 GMT -6
Ah yes, a classic monkey paw.
The first paragraph feels a bit too unintentionally vague. I get that the author wants to build up the mystery some details would be welcome. Who knew? What skills? What organization? Sounds like the MC in an assassin but some confirmation would be nice.
Really nice description for the monkey paw and the box.
Oh, it's a letter. Is it all supposed to be a letter or just the last paragraph? Having the part in italics or in quotes would be helpful to distinguish it.
The old-sounding choice of words adds some nice personality and feel to the story.
Other than that, the MC already knows he/she's going to get stabbed? This with the vagueness of everything before puts a strain on my suspension of disbelief at this point.
Overall interesting but undermined by the voluntary vagueness.
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 28, 2023 23:01:24 GMT -6
Very interesting and compelling openings. The hook is effective and I'd probably keep reading if there is some editing done. I'd eliminate some of the repetition in the beginning (the word 'had' sticks out numerous times in the first few sentences) and the tense switch is a bit jarring, but nothing that's too egregious. I've read a lot of books with tense changes sporadically as the POV character changes from internal thoughts to outward thoughts.
There's a typo: skull/skill.
I really loved the small glimpse of world-building in these 200 words. It tells us a lot without feeling overwhelming or confusing. That's a fine line to walk and you balance it very well.
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 29, 2023 12:26:19 GMT -6
Nicely crafted world with a good sense of the fantasy about it. "Skull" should be "skill" but that really is a small issue since it's obviously a typo. There is mention of a box, although not as to its location on a doorstep. The hook beginning with a question is nicely done and the descriptions vivid. I'd certainly be interested to know what eventually happens to this character who has now become prey rather than predator.
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