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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 17, 2023 22:41:58 GMT -6
Title: Keeps On Giving
Genre: Psychological Horror
Trigger Warnings: N/A
Keeps On Giving
Help me. I can’t stop. There’s always another.
It looked so ordinary sitting under my porchlight. Just a cardboard box with my name on it. I thought Mom had dropped off some of my old books, or maybe Mrs. Moss across the street had finally made the peach pie she’d been promising me and overpacked it for safe-keeping. Once I deposited my work things in the entryway, I returned for the box. It was surprisingly lightweight. Not books then. Had to be the pie.
I set it on the kitchen table and prized off the lid. First sight of the contents set my teeth on edge. “What the hell?” A box inside a box? Overkill, Mrs. Moss, really. I opened the second lid to find a third.
“Okay,” I said to the dimly lit kitchen, “this is some kind of prank, right?” I looked around for hidden cameras or my brother snickering outside the window. Well, the prankster, whoever they were, must have put something in the innermost box. Fine, I’d play.
I opened the next box and the next, tossing each lid aside on the table. Ten lids, twenty, fifty… All neatly nested like Matryoshka dolls.
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Post by DreamingoftheMist on Jun 19, 2023 0:53:43 GMT -6
It definitely asks a question. Not only why someone would send the box but how. The difficulty of fifty nested boxes suggests a dream or a hallucination supported by the MC's inability to distinguish nested boxes from a pie.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jun 19, 2023 12:33:14 GMT -6
This premise has so much metaphorical potential. Maybe it reflects an addiction the character has? Or that they've dated and dumped hundreds of people hoping that the perfect partner is out there somewhere? A search for the inner self, but discovering in a postmodern sense that there is no self at the core and it's just layers upon layers of ego?
I'm disappointed that the metaphorical side isn't explored more or at least hinted at in this story opening. A character opening more and more boxes lest there's something in the innermost one? That could be used for so much symbolism! As it is, it almost seems arbitrary that this weird phenomenon happened to this particular character. There's a fair amount of detail in here about this character's life, and yet it feels sort of wasted on stuff that doesn't point to the character's psychology — despite the story being psychological horror — including anything that could be symbolized by boxes within boxes.
Anyway, I chuckled at the story. I like the humor of the box turning out to contain a box, and that this constitutes horror. It's comedic how the casual musings about the contents lead the character to seem pretty sure that it's something as innocent as a pie.
The voice is strong and consistent, this narrator with their informal and emotionally expressive way of speaking, such as "Fine, I'd play." The first line asking for help from no one is a nice touch, like it doesn't seem like they're actually talking to someone, but it conveys their need and desperation.
Grammar looks fine as far as I can tell.
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Post by havekrillwhaletravel on Jun 21, 2023 8:43:04 GMT -6
This is great. I'd honestly be pretty satisfied with this as a self-contained piece of flash fiction. But it works amazingly as a hook. I want to find out what the narrator does next. Opening the boxes as a metaphor for obsession is brilliant. The narrator decided to "play", and that simple decision seals their fate. They could decide to stop playing at any time. But they don't. They can't. They need to know what's in the box. They keep opening and opening the boxes, even when it's taking such a heavy toll on them. Who cannot relate with that feeling? These three opening lines make the whole story. I like how they're written in present tense while the rest of the piece is in past tense. In doing so, you've tapped into what terrifies me most about pain and obsession - their power to completely consume you and seem utterly endless. This hook reminds me of a poem by Emily Dickinson ("Pain - has an Element of Blank - / It cannot recollect / When it begun - or if there were / A time when it was not").
The narrator's suffering is timeless. Have they been opening the boxes for an hour? A day? How long does it take for tedium and helplessness to finally break someone, to make them go from thoughts of pie to "Help me. I can't stop"?
To me, that's the real horror: that the narrator's agony can very well stretch to infinity.
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Post by OnBardicWings on Jun 21, 2023 12:35:18 GMT -6
I know I'd be disappointed if I expected a pie and just got a box full of boxes. It makes you wonder who could have possibly sent such a thing and almost goes in a cosmic horror direction if you think about the implications of infinite boxes. Great use of the word "Matryoshka" too.
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Post by Sundrinker on Jun 21, 2023 20:01:02 GMT -6
That was an enjoyable short read. It's funny and integrates the prompt really well. I wish I could have thought of that idea. Lol.
On the flip side, I don't feel it works particularly well as a hook. When I ask myself the question "what's next?", the story gives me the answer: In that regard, the entry reads more as a little self-contained story rather than a narrative hook.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jun 23, 2023 13:18:46 GMT -6
For a psychological horror, I’m looking for more atmospheric tension in the word choice and ambient descriptions. Maybe after the contest in an expanded version? I think a little more could be worked into the opening though. The flow of the narration is a little choppy and could be smoothed out a bit. The opening quite literally translates the prompt into a series of boxes that somehow appears to trap the narrator, which is cool. If not handled right, I feel this could also be a bit comical, so those quiet horror details really need to come into play without going overboard into melodrama.
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Post by Soliton on Jun 26, 2023 8:41:53 GMT -6
This is an intriguing concept for a story about what an n-dimensional object of hybercube. In fiction they are called TARDIS (Dr. Who) and Tesseract (Marvel Universe). They have the property of having more space inside than on the surface. I saw the box with unlimited inner boxes as one of these objects. This bazaar object is a great hook ‘em technique. It captured my attention and I wanted to read on to find out more of the object’s fictional properties. This entry skillfully carried me from the normal world easily into an adventure about a fantastical object. Well done. I liked how this story made me think again about fantastical objects of the imagination.
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Post by Mazulla on Jun 28, 2023 19:44:03 GMT -6
This is interesting and really unique take on the prompt - an endless source of boxes, one after the other. I certainly wouldn't want to be in their shoes!
As a hook to a broader story, though, this feels like a self-contained story rather than an introductory to a larger piece. The only thing I could think that could be added are hints as to how this mystery package got there and who's responsible, and why she can't stop. A lot of details in the story, but not many hints about the boxes or what's to come. Everything seems pretty tied up by the end of the 200 words.
maybe Mrs. Moss across the street had finally made the peach pie. This may just be down to preference, but the "across the street" struck me as a bit too specific - maybe just "the neighbor, Mrs. Moss, had finally made the peach pie"?
and overpacked it for safe-keeping. How did she know it was overpacked before opening the box?
Nothing grammatical that I could see - very clean edit!
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Post by Alatariel on Jun 28, 2023 22:56:18 GMT -6
This is basically a complete story with such an evocative sense of dread. I don't now how it works for the opening of a longer story though. BUT because I can't really see how the story would continue means I would definitely keep reading.
I loved the opening statements: Help me. I can't stop. There's always another.
And then going back a bit and when he sees the second box we just KNOW. How you built the tension was masterful. Wonderful job. After the contest I've love to know how you would keep the story going and what would happen.
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Post by FoxxGlove on Jun 29, 2023 12:10:45 GMT -6
Great hook, loaded with desperation. Box-within-a-box-within-a box...etc. What a wonderfully unique take on the prompt. So far, up to fifty nested boxes apparently. I can only wonder how small the last one must be...assuming the last one is ever reached...and if it contains anything other than nothingness. I'd most certainly read on to find out but truly, in another sense, this little tale is rather complete as it is.
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You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
