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Post by pelwrath on Jan 28, 2023 11:16:54 GMT -6
Okay, here is an opening for a story I've had kicking around since I started my vampire series. Finaly getting my notes in order, tying in a few other ideas and using history to help with the twists. Any and all toughts and suggestions are welcome.
The five greatest Coven Mothers and five greatest Warlock Generals, from the five largest human kingdoms, stood at the five points of the pentagram. A large, deformed man, with wings, was in the middle of the pentagram.
“We thank you and your people, Kawazi Modo. Now to uphold our part of the bargain we made, with you and your people. They will no longer be hunted by mankind, nor will you suffer from hunger, thirst, disease, or death at our hands. Your name will be forgotten and what we did will be as well. That way the prisons for our enemies, will be safe from discovery.”
“The pentagram’s magic works both ways, Aradia. Especially for those who know magic. I curse you all, witches, and warlocks, I name you traitors of your promise. As your magic fades so will all your prisons. Your jealousy for each other’s power will grow, your enemies will return and our help will be needed again. Then only blood will end the curse.”
As his last words escaped his lips, he turned to stone.
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Post by RAVENEYE on Jan 28, 2023 13:59:39 GMT -6
Okay, here is an opening for a story I've had kicking around since I started my vampire series. Finaly getting my notes in order, tying in a few other ideas and using history to help with the twists. Any and all toughts and suggestions are welcome. The five greatest Coven Mothers and five greatest Warlock Generals ("greatest" is vague as a descriptor. Greatest HOW? Greatest in power, greatest in rank, greatest as in "hey, Mom, you're the greatest"?) , from the five largest human kingdoms, stood at the five points of the pentagram. A large, deformed man , with wings , was in the middle of the pentagram. (delete interrupting commas) “We thank you and your people, Kawazi Modo. (who is speaking? Dialog tag! Is this speaker one of the five, or are they standing/sitting elsewhere? Maybe they are Skyping in from outer space, for all I know. Setting details. Also, "thank you" for what? Seeing as they are turning him to stone, seemingly as punishment, what are they thanking him for?) Now to uphold our part of the bargain we made , (why is this comma in this random place? delete) with you and your people. They will no longer be hunted by mankind, nor will you suffer from hunger, thirst, disease, or death at our hands. Your name will be forgotten and what we did (specifics. Why withhold what they did? What did they do?) will be as well. That way the prisons for our enemies , (why is this comma in this random place? delete) will be safe from discovery.” (how does forgetting his name keep the prisons safe from discovery?)
“The pentagram’s magic works both ways, Aradia. (who is speaking? Dialog tag!) Especially for those who know magic. I curse you all, witches , and warlocks , (delete the first comma, turn the second into a period) I name you traitors of your promise. As your magic fades so will all your prisons. Your jealousy for each other’s power will grow, your enemies will return and our help will be needed again. Then only blood will end the curse.” As his last words escaped his lips, he turned to stone. This could be a really exciting hook. I love the way you incorporate well-known literary figures in your stories as though they are real entities. However, the same issues that consistently appear in your writing are interrupting the reading experience here as well. Namely, there is a ton of missing information. Lots of vagueness and skipping over basic scene-building details that could clarify what's going, who is who, where is where, etc. There's "writing in a minimalist style" and there's "leaving out the basics." Adding in those basics could help flesh out the scene and bring it to life.
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Post by pelwrath on Jan 28, 2023 14:54:33 GMT -6
Raveneye, Thank you for the detailed comments, and yes I know that opening needs a fair amount of work. I storyboard and this was the movie portion. The dreaded coma, Shatner and Waukeen get away with it.😂 The scene and names are good, even what I’m doing but not the how. I’ll work on it and try to keep it under the 200 cap. This is my story reinventing werewolves. Remember a poem and shorts with a Kanys Lupus Wyre? I’ve added witches, warlocks, and gargoyles to the mix. Ever wonder how they became stone?
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Post by pelwrath on Jan 29, 2023 11:27:30 GMT -6
Spent a bit last night revising this and yeah, this version is kind of bad. not without it's redeaming features but needs more work and more words. The next revision will be in the regular fiction thread as it's more than 200 words.
QUESTION: How do yoy mention time when time, as a concept isn;t anything more that days, weeks, months, and years?
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