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Post by Soliton on Oct 4, 2020 18:05:16 GMT -6
200 words Evergreen II
This is the intro to a short story from long ago. It is fictional short about how parents thwarted a Chowchilla like tragedy.
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Special Agent Evans looked across the interrogation table and growled, “We can keep you here two days without charges. So, Dr. Robert Donald, please try it again.”
Rob groaned, “It started about 3:00 am the night after that second PTA meeting. I felt someone was in the house. I laid totally still, barely breathing, listening for any sound of the intruder. A chill ran up and down me. I felt a presence of someone or thing. It was watching, waiting, coming closer. I woke up. Sat up. There. At the hall door. A blue electric intense light. It was a figure of a small girl, long light brown hair, white dress and then, she floated away down the hall. I felt from her there was some coming tragic field trip. I knew what I had to do. I did not know why only that … I would do it.”
Evans turned to the mirrored wall and thought, “That’s the exact same story all the other parents told.”
Evans exasperated leaned on the table and said. “Tell it to me from the top how it all started. Take as long as it takes.’
Rob exhausted remembered how this madness first started.
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Post by Alatariel on Oct 4, 2020 21:46:55 GMT -6
Special Agent Evans looked across the interrogation table and growled [this is a personal preference but you don't need superfluous language as a dialogue tag most times. It can feel like forced emotion. I prefer other ways to learn a character's mood. Like "Special Agent Evans looked across the interrogation table and said for the tenth time...] , “We can keep you here two days without charges. So, Dr. Robert Donald [would he really use his title and full name here? I don't think so. Seems like they've been at this for a long time. I'd just say "Robert"], please try it again.” Rob groaned [Is this story from Evans' perspective or Roberts? Pick one and show us by delving a bit more into emotional states and personal desires. Does Evans want this to be over so he can get a burger at the diner across the street before they close? Is Robert frustrated and scared? I want a little more. One or two sentences is all it takes, but don't force it. Let it be organic.], “It started about 3:00 am the night after that second PTA meeting. I felt someone was in the house. I laid totally still, barely breathing, listening for any sound of the intruder. A chill ran up and down me. I felt a presence of someone or thing. It was watching, waiting, coming closer. I woke up [wasn't he already awake, listening, at this point?]. Sat up. There. At the hall door. A blue electric intense light. It was a figure of a small girl, long light brown hair, white dress and then, she floated away down the hall. I felt from her there was some coming tragic field trip [confusing wording]. I knew what I had to do. I did not know why only that … I would do it.” Evans turned to the mirrored wall and thought [ Thought? Is this inner dialogue or did he speak it? The quotations suggest it's spoken yet the word "thought" makes me wonder if you meant for it to be internal?? No quotes, thoughts can be in italics without quotations. But if it's spoken, just say "said"] , “That’s the exact same story all the other parents told.” Evans exasperated leaned on the table and said [Why are ALL your dialogue tags before the dialogue? It's feels super weird to read. Also, if there's a specific character action you don't need a dialogue tag. The action is the tag. So... Evans leaned on the table exasperatedly. "Tell it to me from the top..."] . “Tell it to me from the top how it all started. Take as long as it takes.’ Rob COMMA exhausted COMMA remembered how this madness first started. |
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Post by Soliton on Oct 4, 2020 21:54:43 GMT -6
So much to learn. You are good at this. Thanks
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Post by Alatariel on Oct 4, 2020 22:12:48 GMT -6
Hey each time gets better. There's alway more to learn and I've only gotten this far by having my worked ripped to shreds over and over and over...
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Post by bilance on Oct 5, 2020 6:49:38 GMT -6
Evans turned to the mirrored wall and thought, “That’s the exact same story all the other parents told.”
Evans exasperated leaned on the table and said. “Tell it to me from the top how it all started. Take as long as it takes.’
This two sentences can be done better.
First sentence. Surely he turned to the mirrored wall in hopes of answers but yet the dialogue sounded like he was alone if that made sense to you. It felt contradicting his actions and thoughts.
Second I feel that it would be better to separate the emotion and action or what alatariel did with the comma.
Definitely more graphic in this one. But the dialogue from Rob needs more emotion. How long has he been talking to them? Angry? Feeling dejected? It affects the way he speaks but here he says it really objectively like he is reporting as a second hand witness of an incident called in for his first questioning.
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Post by StarGirl06 on Oct 5, 2020 13:06:32 GMT -6
hey, I read your first version to this and I prefer this one as there's more to it. I'm very intrigued at the ending, makes me wonder what's going to happen too. I did wonder why you added his thought in dialogue tags, well I'm guessing it was his thought, this has been mentioned already, however, I do thoughts in italics, like this, Evans turned to the mirrored wall. That’s the exact same story all the other parents told. If written like this some emotion from him would be nice. He's frustrated right, maybe he could lean against the wall with a sigh and have him thinking how the story was the exact same and how annoyed he was becoming. Evans sighed as he leaned against the mirrored wall. That’s the exact same story all the other parents told. Or just have it something like this. Evans sighed as he leaned against the mirrored wall, frustrated hearing the exact same story all the other parents had told him. I hope this helps. Good luck with this story, it seems pretty good so far.
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Post by ScienceGirl on Mar 16, 2021 20:55:24 GMT -6
I just read your original post, and I like this one better. You seem to have a good grasp on what's called a hook. That last line catches my attention and makes me curious. Now, we just need to frame it with good action and strong verbs.Special Agent Evans looked across the interrogation table and growled, “We can keep you here two days without charges. So, Dr. Robert Donald, please try it again.” It's good here that you've given us a couple of names. We already identify better with your characters than we did in your first post simply for having something to call them. And I think you have an interesting setup with the sort of overbearing agent trying to intimidate someone from across the table. So let's look at your verbs. There are thousands of verbs in the English language, yet many writers stick to the same 15-20 of them. You have Special Agent Evans look and growl. Looking is one of those verbs that gets way overused in a story, especially a short story. I tend to avoid it these days unless I just have to use it. It's kind of implied that Special Agent Evans is looking at Rob since he's speaking to him. So maybe he could do something else. What if, for example, he latched on to Rob's shirt with fisted hands and tugged so tight Rob couldn't breathe? Or, what if he slammed the table? There are many good actions that could show Evans' state of mind better than having him look.
Speech is a little tricky with verbs. Some people say this is semantics, but a professional editor will tell you that growling is a separate action from speaking. Try this. LOL An editor made me do this one time when I said someone spat a dialogue. She said to actually spit that line out loud. I couldn't do it. You can't talk and spit at the same time. Well, not intentionally, anyway. So can you growl and speak both those sentences at the same time? I can't. Growling comes from a different place in your throat than forming the sounds of those words.
So here's a little trick. Don't use the speech verbs at all. If Evans leans across the interrogation table and snatches Rob's shirt with fisted hands, we can assume he isn't going to whisper that line. Having a stronger action than looking sort of eliminates the need for the growl.
Rob groaned, “It started about 3:00 am the night after that second PTA meeting. I felt someone was in the house. I laid totally still, barely breathing, listening for any sound of the intruder. A chill ran up and down me. I felt a presence of someone or thing. It was watching, waiting, coming closer. I woke up. Sat up. There. At the hall door. A blue electric intense light. It was a figure of a small girl, long light brown hair, white dress and then, she floated away down the hall. I felt from her there was some coming tragic field trip. I knew what I had to do. I did not know why only that … I would do it.” Here's another example of that speech verb thing. That's an awfully long sentence for him to groan the whole time he's speaking. So let's try a period there. Rob groaned. THEN, he said the dialogue line. Now, that's a really long piece of dialogue. You can make Rob a lot more interesting by breaking it up a bit and having him do some nervous actions that gives us a little picture of him.
For example: Rob groaned. "It started about 3:00 am the night after that second PTA meeting." He dragged dirt-covered fingers through his greasy blonde hair. "I felt someone was in the house. I laid totally still, barely breathing, listening for any sound of the intruder." A shudder rippled across his broad shoulders. "A chill ran up and down me. I felt a presence of someone or something. Watching, waiting, coming closer."
It's still a very long dialogue, so you might throw in some kind of response from Evans here. He might, for example, snort if he thinks Rob is lying. I'll stop with this for now, but I think it's a good start.
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