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Post by kedik on Sept 14, 2022 15:53:20 GMT -6
The Dungeon of the Mind Oh, the torment she endured. Exquisite pain, exquisite suffering and delicious madness. It was 400 square feet of stark solitude. Her mind was gripped by a summer frostbite that laughed at her folly, examining each tuft of her tiny carpeted cell for someone or thing that she knew was not there. She recognized her countenance in the bathroom mirror, a sad and lonely girl, she was. She was fleeing an abusive relationship but self preservation was not her aim, quite to the contrary, she romanticized a stray bullet that would find her unaware and relieve her of this treachery called life. This is my new opening |
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Post by RAVENEYE on Sept 15, 2022 9:45:07 GMT -6
The Dungeon of the Mind Oh, the torment she endured. Exquisite pain, exquisite suffering and delicious madness. It was 400 square feet of stark solitude. Her mind was gripped by a summer frostbite that laughed at her folly, examining each tuft of her tiny carpeted cell for someone or thing that she knew was not there. She recognized her countenance in the bathroom mirror, a sad and lonely girl, she was. She was fleeing an abusive relationship but self preservation was not her aim, quite to the contrary, she romanticized a stray bullet that would find her unaware and relieve her of this treachery called life. This is my new opening I'm going to move this to the proper forum where we can critique it properly. |
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Post by alliecartman248 on Sept 16, 2022 18:51:14 GMT -6
I'm confused - where should a post like this go?
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Post by RAVENEYE on Sept 17, 2022 15:45:32 GMT -6
I'm confused - where should a post like this go? No worries, I got ya covered. I put it into the 200 Words forum since it's very short. If you want it in the Fiction forum, you have several subforums to choose from, depending on this excerpt's genre. In any case, I'll give it a line-by-line for you: Mainly I touched on technical things, a couple of comma splices, etc, nothing major. There's some really strong phrasing here, and lots of turbulent emotion that draws me into the character's situation. I did find myself seeking some specifics that defined vague terms. "Folly" and "abusive relationship" could be defined more concretely with less general terms and, perhaps, give a more vivid picture of the backstory that got her into this current mess. Not much to add other than this. I'd keep reading for sure to find out what happened and where she ends up. I love a piece that explores a character's internal predicament. Keep going! Thanks for sharing, and bring more! |
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Post by pelwrath on Sept 17, 2022 21:31:29 GMT -6
Oh, The torment she endured. Exquisite pain, exquisite and suffering and along with delicious madness. It was stark solitude, 400 square feet of it. Her mind was gripped by a summer frostbite (Summer? Is this a fantasy story?) that laughed at her folly. She examininged each tuft of her tiny(400 sq. ft. is a 20x20 room to me that's not tiny.) carpeted cell for someone or thing that she knew was not there. She recognized Her countenance in the cracked bathroom mirror fragmented, a sad and lonely girl, she was. She was fleeing an abusive relationship but self preservation was not her aim, quite to the contrary, she romanticized a stray bullet that would find her unaware and relieve her of this treachery called life.
Kedik,
I'm looking for how you bring the reader in,the hook and what gos along with that. I do like what you have here. It's intriguing and I do want to learn more. Nice idea to open with her being a prisoner. The sugggestions I've made are to enhance the lady's situation. You're free to use them or not, it's your story, with a good opening.
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Meth
Smoke
Posts: 16
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Post by Meth on Oct 5, 2022 6:56:52 GMT -6
It’s 2am and i’m on my phone so i don’t have much critique. Just wanted to say that your grasp of language is beautiful and your writing is v poetic.
I’m a reader who puts books down after the first sentence/paragraph but with yours i’d keep reading. Keep rocking it
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You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
