senorita
Smoke
Sipping tea and building up plots
Posts: 4 
Custom Title: Senorita Girl
Preferred Pronouns: She/her
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Post by senorita on Oct 4, 2020 12:52:51 GMT -6
It was unusual of Saskian Goddesses to not be vexed by my presence alone. My birthday, infamously known as the "cursed" day, was like every other in that regard.
I wasn't prominent enough to have their wishes and they didn't try to conceal that fact while I walked past them, cleaning my sword for the daily weaponry training. However, a sinister grin, that irritated me to no end, invariably sat on their lips.
"There isn't enough sugar!" Meera, the goddess of music, yelled at the underprivileged little fairy who hung her head low in remorse, her wings bumbling.
"Can I know what the matter is, Meera?" I asked, with a smile. I knew–I knew that the goddess was aware of it being patently feigned and oh, the relief that flooded through me was pure euphoria!
"How dare you-!" The goddess rose to her feet, almost instantaneously, only to cease her expected vile exploits and inhale a breath to calm herself down, exhaling it shortly after.
"Get away from my sight! I don't want to dirty my hands by touching you," she said, her screechy voice shaking out of pure anger.
***Did the first paragraph seem awkwardly worded?)***
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Post by Alatariel on Oct 4, 2020 15:31:59 GMT -6
THE GOOD: Your prose has tons of promise! It's poetic. I want to know more, but first you must hone a bit.
To answer your question: yes, I'd say it's a bit awkwardly worded. Rather, it's complex where simplicity would work better. It kind of feels like a thesaurus was used in excess- something I'm also very guilty of myself. I wasn't quite sure what the setting was or the purpose of the first two lines. What emotions are you wanting to evoke in the reader? What message are you trying to get across? What do you want us to know about your main character? I'd say simplify the wording and narrow the focus.
It was unusual of Saskian Goddesses to not be vexed by my presence alone.
When I read this, my first immediate thought was "what do you mean?" The next line should explain or expound on this, yet it feels like another independent thought not linked to the first sentence in any way.
My birthday, infamously known as the "cursed" day, was like every other in that regard.
In what regard? You've given us an interesting nugget of information- her birthday is known as the "cursed day" which feels significant, but then you immediately lessen the impact by saying "it was like every other in that regard". Every other day is also known as the "cursed day"? I don't understand.
I wasn't prominent enough to have their wishes and they didn't try to conceal that fact while I walked past them
Another independent piece of information that lacks explanation. Who's wishes? Prominent in what way? Who is the main character in relation to the Saskian Goddesses?
With openings, we generally need a sense of self, a sense of setting, and a clear feeling of what's happening in the scene. Right now, I feel like the characters are floating in white nothingness because I don't know what to see or feel yet. I'm not sure who the main character is or what significance the first two lines have...they feel a bit out of place without a little more substance behind them.
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Post by StarGirl06 on Oct 10, 2020 9:17:21 GMT -6
A bit late to critiquing this. Sounds like it's an interesting story, however this starts awkwardly with the points already pointed out by Alatariel. I would like to know why her birthday is known as the cursed day, what's the reason for it and why these other characters don't like your main one, Goddess Meera throws her out for asking one question, must have annoyed her but I don't exactly know why and it could be a bit confusing to readers. To me this excerpt, as it is, can be fleshed out to write a longer beginning so there's not so many questions needing to be answered. Don't give everything away but the little things like the cursed birthday and the Saskian Goddesses being vexed can easily be answered.
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Post by Soliton on Oct 11, 2020 7:09:22 GMT -6
These are the words I paused at when I first read it. I wondered if these were the right words you really wanted to use:
vexed, infamously, have their wishes, invariably, bumbling, feigned, exploits.
I saw in this passage the beginning of world building, but 200 words is not enough to fill it in. I am concerned this not going to be a good day for? What is the name of the main character? You raise perhaps too many questions for a short passage of 200 words. You got the POV done better than I can these days.
I would read more to find our why all the animosity.
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