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Post by pelwrath on Jul 5, 2022 19:43:55 GMT -6
Based on the comments and suggestions the submision, I needed to make noticeable changes, starting with a more focused and hopefully, less complicated scene. More naration, keep what was liked about the dialogue but also provide a purpose for Uxator being their andatad more about him and the shadows. I know it's better, notthat I lack for confidence or lack of such. Is their a term for for swings of confidence? Oh well, here is the 1st revision, eight years after the When is a Thief not a Thief post.
TITLE: The Tomb of Kadget
WORDS: 198
WARNINGS: None
Revision #1
Uxator lit his torch, then the torches still in their sconces. Surprisingly, they burst into life, revealing a large room with a chair on a dais, a skeleton sitting in it. Thick cobwebs covered both, like undisturbed dust did the floor.
Looks more like a throne room than a tomb. His boney hand still gripping his spetum.
He walks to the throne and bows.
“Does your soon to be mine crown, still weight heavy, my dead king?”
Goosebumps run the course of Uxator’s spine. A cool wind brushes his face, bringing words to his ears.
“Who are you?” resounded from the now bone chilling darkness.
“I’m Uxator the best thief in Khandar.”
A humanoid form becomes apparent at the edge of his torch light. A creature of darkness and death.
“A shadow!”
What is it waiting for?
“Did you free the slaves in Khandar?”
“How did you know?”
“Kadget abandoned us to the realm of shadows, to which we’re now bound. The shadows reveal many things. Free us and we’ll serve you, thief.”
“How?”
“A king condemned us; a king can free us. Claim his crown and become a king. Then become Shadow Jack, the Prince of Shadows.”
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 6, 2022 20:46:00 GMT -6
Cool, glad you're editing that piece.
A grammatical issue that's happening throughout is switching the tenses. The first paragraph is in past, but the rest of the narration is in present. Pick one and stick to it.
His boney hand still gripping his spetum.
I would say "The king's bony hand was still gripping his spetum." Or "the skeleton" rather than "the king." It's helpful to see who the "his" refers to; I mean, it's easy enough to tell that it's the skeleton, but still makes the reader have to think a second longer. And I'd add the "was." I don't see the point of making this a fragment.
“Does your soon to be mine crown, still weight heavy, my dead king?”
Eh. I would like a compromise between this version and the old one. I would say "Does it still weigh heavy, my dead king?", adding the "still" from the new version. It was so much cooler and punchier when it was shorter like this. I thought it was such a fun line of dialogue before. And you could mention prior to this that the skeleton is wearing a crown so we know what he's talking about.
bone chilling
bone-chilling
Uxator the best thief in Khandar.
Uxator, the best thief in Khandar.
Needs a comma because the phrase "the best thief in Khandar" is elaborating upon "Uxator."
A humanoid form becomes apparent at the edge of his torch light. A creature of darkness and death.
“A shadow!”
This is confusing in a way that's hard to describe. At what point does he know it's a shadow? The fact it's called a "humanoid form" at first makes it sound like he doesn't know what kind of humanoid is starting to appear. But then "a creature of darkness and death" — how would he know it's a creature of darkness and death unless he knows it's a shadow? So I guess he does know that it's a shadow the moment he sees it? Has he seen shadows before? When did you intend for him to figure out what he's seeing?
What is it waiting for?
What was it waiting for?
That's all you need to say. If you say What was it waiting for? like that, no quotation marks, no italics, past tense (if you decide to go with past tense for the narration in general) we will know it's what Uxator's thinking. That's an example of free indirect discourse, if I understand that term right.
Then become Shadow Jack, the Prince of Shadows.
Heh. So they name him? 'Jack' sounds a lot less imposing than 'Uxator,' which makes this sound kind of silly. But maybe you have plans.
The problem I'm having with this piece is it still doesn't answer the questions I had when reading the contest entry. Why does Uxator come here? Did he expect to meet a shadow or not?
I want to know more of his motives and thoughts as he goes into the tomb doing these things. I don't know what he's there for. I don't know what he wants. I don't know if he's good or evil, whether I should be on his side or not. The way it's written, it's really hard to tell these things. It's weird that he introduces himself as a thief because it sounds like he's there to steal. Does he go in the tomb to steal stuff and the shadow thing was just incidental? Or did he go in intending to meet the dead slaves?
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 6, 2022 22:27:52 GMT -6
Thanks very much, Scintilla for the time and suggestions. Unfortunately it seems I didn’t improve this piece at all. Maybe it’s not improvable, going with the scene I have.
He came there for the crown, the shadows were an unexpected occurrence but an important one.
Shadow Jack, like in cards Jack aka Prince.
This obviously needs an editor like all my work does, before submitting for a contest but that’s been forbidden.
Again, thanks for your time and comments. I look over what I can do to improve it, maybe all narration might be worth a try.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 6, 2022 23:28:40 GMT -6
I see. So he only went to steal the crown as a possession, not because he thought wearing the crown would make him king, and not because he expected to meet the shadow.
Would a thief just straight-up announce that he's a thief when he trespasses somewhere? I mean, maybe he has a reason for that. Maybe he's boasting. Maybe he doesn't believe in lying. Maybe he's very brave and thinks he'll just kill anyone who comes after him. Maybe he doesn't believe the voice is anyone who cares that he's stealing the crown. But if there's a reason for him to do something unintuitive like that, we have to know that. I'm not getting a picture of his attitude or motives here.
You don't need a lot more to explain what he means by introducing himself as a thief. Examples:
"I'm Uxator, the best thief in Khandar." The only respectable kind of outlaw was one who could proudly declare what they were.
"I'm Uxator, the best thief in Khandar. And the crown is mine now." He drew Hawk Wing and readied his strike.
Then there's the part where the shadow comes out. I think as of now, it reads awkwardly if he didn't know at the start that there would be a shadow here. "A creature of darkness and death" is a weird way to describe something you've only just seen. How does he know it's a creature of darkness and death if he doesn't know it's a shadow yet?
All right, here's my own go at rewriting this, making some assumptions. Other people would probably have a lot to correct me for, but here goes:
Uxator lit his torch, then took the tinder to one of the torches still in its sconce. Surprisingly, it burst into life, revealing a large room with a chair on a dais, a skeleton sitting in it. Thick cobwebs covered both, like undisturbed dust did the floor. It looked more like a throne room than a tomb. The late king's bony hand still gripped his spetum.
Uxator walked to the throne and bowed with sarcasm. Royals might act like they were better than everyone, but they all wound up like this one all the same. "Does your crown still weigh heavy, my dead king?" He reached for the valuable headpiece.
Goosebumps ran the course of Uxator's spine. A cool wind brushed his face, bringing words to his ears.
"Who are you?" resounded from the now bone-chilling darkness.
"I'm Uxator, the best thief in Khandar." The only respectable kind of outlaw was one who could proudly declare what they were. He put a hand on his hilt.
A humanoid form became apparent at the end of his torch light. It radiated unspoken feelings of darkness and death that struck Uxator in the chest. A shadow! He had encountered them before. What was it waiting for?
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 7, 2022 0:21:46 GMT -6
Nicely done, and thanks. Yes, Uxator does boast and has a pride about himself, chip on the shoulder thing. So I don’t need as all that about The Shadow Jack and such at the end. Concentrate on the encounter with the shadow up to they’ll serve him if he frees them.
Much less to correct than my submission or this revision. The pressure of performing in a contest, like taking a test. Some can and others can’t.
Well you’ve given me a few ideas. Now to add that he knows what they are and still stay under 200 words.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 7, 2022 6:43:49 GMT -6
Oh no, I didn't mean you should remove the stuff at the end past what I wrote. Why would you remove the Shadow Jack stuff? It's part of the scene too. I just didn't have that much to change about the rest of the story and wanted to focus on the important changes. I didn't know you were still trying to stay under 200 words.
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 7, 2022 7:32:19 GMT -6
Okay, then so I don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.
What do I keep? Whats worth saving?
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 7, 2022 10:37:39 GMT -6
I don't know why you're throwing anything out. Isn't this the beginning of a story? So doesn't all of it have to happen sometime?
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 7, 2022 11:35:16 GMT -6
Or did happen. I was using this as the opening for a second story about Uxator, the submission mentioned necromancer is from that first story, along with the crown of Kadget, and freeing the slaves.
Oh well, my writing is good, but never good enough. I’d need a full month at least to do what the rest of you can do in a week. The technical aspects of writing will never be a strength. I’m a storyteller who writes, not a writer who tells stories. Maybe my vampire book really isn’t that good.😕
I’ll try and work on revision #2, and include your very good suggestions and narrow the scene even more. Right now it’s the only think I can think of to make it a simpler and easier opening. Thanks for your help, patience, and understanding.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 7, 2022 17:08:44 GMT -6
Critiquing isn't about whether you're good or bad at writing. It's about seeing the story like a reader so you know what you need to change. You have Uxator's personality and motivations in your head, so you don't feel like anything's missing. I as a reader don't know him, so I don't know what he's in the tomb to do, whether it's good or bad that he meets a shadow, whether he bows respectfully or disdainfully. That just means you need to add some hints as to those things to catch the reader up to what's in your head.
The votes I got on my hook entry showed that other people misunderstood some things about my story that I took for granted, and I would need to explain them better if I were revising it. That's why we have other people read our stuff.
I'm only one possible reader, and if more people critiqued we'd have a broader range. Did the comments I made make sense to you? I think mostly for this story, you need to think in terms of communicating what Uxator wants and knows so we know what he's experiencing. Can't you just, for example, think about that when you revise instead of insisting you're bad at narration and then trying to convert most of your stories into dialogue in response?
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 7, 2022 18:29:32 GMT -6
All did except the one about the 1st paragraph.
You said it was past tense. To me it’s present. He lit his torch then lit those in their sconces. Then I describe what he sees.
Should lit be lights? The narrator saying he lit his torch/he lights his torch. I don’t see a difference.
Yes, I see the movie (story) in my mind, I write that.
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 7, 2022 21:29:09 GMT -6
Yeah, your first paragraph says 'lit' and 'covered,' which are both past. They should be 'lights' and 'cover' if you want to do all present.
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 7, 2022 22:39:14 GMT -6
Okay, I’ve got to get better at the technical part of this. Yet, so afraid I’ll loose the part I’m good at. I do try to improve.
Have some ideas for next revision. Thank-you very much, Scintilla for your guidance, time and suggestions.
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Post by pelwrath on Jul 8, 2022 11:43:25 GMT -6
This is revision #2. Again hopefully better or maybe not as bad-few items to improve on. Which begs the question-Has the perfect opening ever been written? My deepest thanks to Scintilla for her patience, suggestions,and time in helping me with these revisions.
TITLE: The Tomb of Kadget
WORDS: 200
WARNINGS: None
Revision #2
Stale air and dust, the smell of tombs and thrones everywhere.
Uxator used his torch, to light those still in their sconces. Surprisingly, they burst into life, revealing a large room with a chair on a dais, a skeleton sitting in it. Thick cobwebs draped both skeleton and chair, undisturbed dust, the floor. It’s boney hand still gripping his spetum, he walks to the throne, giving a courtly bow of contempt.
“Does your crown, still weigh heavy, my dead king? I’ll relieve you of that burden.”
Goosebumps run the course of Uxator’s spine, as a cool wind brushes his face, bringing words to his ears.
“Who are you?” resounds from the cold darkness.
“I’m Uxator the best thief in Khandar.”
A humanoid form of blackness hovers at the edge of his torch light, its blue eyes, staring at him.
“I know of your kind, shadow.”
Why is it waiting?
“Did you free the slaves in Khandar?”
“How did you know?”
“Kadget abandoned us to the shadows. The realm of Shadows reveals things to us. Free us and we’ll serve you, thief.”
“How?”
“Claim his crown and become king to free us. Then become Shadow Jack, Prince of Shadows, our lord.”
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Post by ScintillaMyntan on Jul 8, 2022 23:11:06 GMT -6
Stale air and dust, the smell of tombs and thrones everywhere.
No need for the italics. That's why I linked the article on free indirect discourse. There's no need to directly quote his thoughts. The reader knows by the fact this comment is in the story that it's Uxator thinking this. I like this opening, though, because it gives the background that Uxator is pretty familiar with tombs and thrones.
It’s boney hand still gripping his spetum, he walks to the throne It's really hard to tell here whose hand you mean with the way it's written now.
Why is it waiting? Again. All you need to say is Why is it waiting?
“Kadget abandoned us to the shadows. The realm of Shadows reveals things to us. Free us and we’ll serve you, thief.” I feel like I'd like more about how Uxator reacts to hearing this. It's a pretty major thing to be told, and since you don't give a reaction he sounds almost apathetic to it. Before the "How?" I would like to see him react a little bit, Maybe show him being surprised or delighted or annoyed.
There are some grammatical errors as well. You said you'd make the whole thing present tense, but you still have past in the second paragraph. There are also some comma issues. Does your crown, still weigh heavy — Would you say "Does he, write"? No, you wouldn't put a comma in that. You would just say "Does he write?" So why would you put one in a sentence of the same structure?
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