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Post by Soliton on Oct 20, 2020 21:23:30 GMT -6
171 Words. Left Behind
Here is more from that famous novel "Colony". Here I attempt at dialogue and beats to break up dialogue.
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“Escort Lady Jane from Venturus," came the heart freezing message from Captain Cimarron. “We detected two Fleet cruisers two days in-bound to Vega system. We will be in detection range in fifteen minutes. Break off survey and link up. We are debarking in ten minutes.”
Cora noticed Commander Masters checking that twenty drones were in-coming but not yet loaded aboard.
“Commander, what about the incoming drones?” said Cora glancing at the Commander.
“We don’t leave crew behind, sentient or cybernetic. Nav, keep station until all are recovered," said Commander Masters. "We stay with our shipmates.”
“Venturus from Lady Jane, unable to link up. We hope to meet at Nekkar star system,” said the Commander, as he briefly closed his eyes, then looked up with a sigh and he gazed over his bridge staff.
“Godspeed Lady Jane,” was the last transmission from the Cutter Venturus. With each second, Cora knew, eleven million miles separated the Venturus from the Escort Lady Jane. For the first time, she felt the abyss of interstellar space.
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farida
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Post by farida on Oct 29, 2020 7:08:02 GMT -6
“Escort Lady Jane from Venturus," came the heart freezing message command? from Captain Cimarron. “We detected two Fleet cruisers two days in-bound to Vega system. We will be in detection range in fifteen minutes [wait, but they've already detected them. Or is it them being detected by the fleet cruisers? Seems weird that the fleet cruisers have a 15-minute weaker detection system than our captain]. Break off survey and link up. We are debarking in ten minutes.” Cora noticed [how? Is she peering over his shoulders? Might want to specify] Commander Masters checking that twenty drones were in-coming but not yet loaded aboard. “Commander, what about the incoming drones?” said Cora [,] glancing at the Commander. [ She's already speaking to him, so no need to specify where she's looking.] “We don’t leave crew behind, sentient or cybernetic. Nav, keep station until all are recovered ," said Commander Masters. "We stay with our shipmates.” [Clear from context that he is responding.] The Commander, as he briefly closed his eyes, then looked up with a sigh and he gazed over his bridge staff. [Since there is some action, best put that before the speech.] “Venturus from Lady Jane, unable to link up. We hope to meet at Nekkar star system." “Godspeed Lady Jane,” was the last transmission from the Cutter Venturus. With each second, Cora knew [tell!], eleven million miles separated the Venturus from the Escort Lady Jane. For the first time, she felt the abyss [don't you mean expanse? magnificence? endlessness?] of interstellar space[.]
A nice and tense little scene. The dialogue is well written and feels realistic, but it could be a bit better organised. I found two instances of "tell" with Cora, so watch out for those. It's much better to demonstrate her feelings through actions and reactions than simply telling us.
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Bird
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Post by Bird on Nov 4, 2020 17:38:19 GMT -6
171 Words. Left BehindHere is more from that famous novel "Colony". Here I attempt at dialogue and beats to break up dialogue. ----- “Escort Lady Jane from Venturus," came the heart freezing message from Captain Cimarron. {did this message come in as a voice message from some other ship? Or is this person in same location?} “We detected two Fleet cruisers two days in-bound to Vega system. We will be in detection range in fifteen minutes. Break off survey and link up. We are debarking in ten minutes.” Cora noticed Commander Masters checking that twenty drones were in-coming but not yet loaded aboard. {How does Cora notice this? Maybe instead of it being fixated on the Commander. Have it be focused on what Cora is noticing and thinking about the situation. Give Cora some depth here by digging a little deeper. The question Cora asks makes it clear that Cora is checking what the Commander is thinking about the drones. So it's redundant to leave as is. Take it as opportunity to expand on Cora's thoughts and perceptions.} “Commander, what about the incoming drones?” said Cora glancing at the Commander. “We don’t leave crew behind, sentient or cybernetic. Nav, keep station until all are recovered," said Commander Masters. "We stay with our shipmates.” “Venturus from Lady Jane, unable to link up. We hope to meet at Nekkar star system,” said the Commander, as he briefly closed his eyes, then looked up with a sigh and he gazed over his bridge staff. {not necessary, "looked up" says same thing.} “Godspeed Lady Jane,” was the last transmission from the Cutter Venturus. With each second, Cora knew, eleven million miles separated the Venturus from the Escort Lady Jane. {Reword possibility for the start of this sentence for clarity: "Cora knew with each second eleven million more miles separated ....} For the first time, she felt the abyss of interstellar space. |
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Post by Soliton on Nov 5, 2020 18:34:00 GMT -6
Thank you so very much for your thoughts. I really value all you said.
First, I do have to find a way to indicate better ship-to-ship communications. In space shuttle ops, we used the format, [station being called],[station calling] such as "Guam,Dice, send block 3061", but without this experience a reader I see will be confused. Thanks for your perspective.
"looked up with a sigh and he gazed over" is my attempt to give action or a beat to dialogue. I have a lot to learn.
"Cora checked her navigation display and saw the Cutter Venturus receding at 50 light speed. She would leave them behind at eleven-million-miles each second. The last transmission from the Cutter Venturus was “Godspeed Lady Jane.”
You are correct, this seems more powerful.
Thank you again
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