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Post by Soliton on Oct 9, 2020 22:59:22 GMT -6
Words = 188 We Go Not Alone
Here I am exploring first person POV to get out of my comfort style.
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“Lieutenants, you did well in these last long hours of planet survey operation simulations. I see you will be our best crew,” announced the Commander of the saucer escort, Lady Jane, then hesitated. “With this training pause, it is the time you formally meet our visitors. I’ve learned this way is better than you meet them on the cargo deck or in your quarters. Once, I thought the lonely hours played on my mind and memories. I learned and know now that when we travel the stars, we bring our dead with us. Are you wondering what I’m getting at? The reality is this, those who have passed on are here on board. Yes, you might say our ship is haunted, but to me they are crew members only on the other side. We go not alone into the darkness of space.”
A warm calm filled the two young Lieutenants hearts. Words caught in their throats as they tried to express what they felt and anticipated. With a certainty, each young officer sensed a gentle presence of kind personalities looking over them.
The Commander smiled, “Here they come.”
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Post by Alatariel on Oct 10, 2020 0:13:52 GMT -6
Sorry to burst your bubble, but this isn't first person. It's dialogue, but the POV is still in third person. Who's perspective is this supposed to be from? The Commander or one of the Lieutenants? It can't be three separate people. Pick one. I think you're trying to make it from the commander's perspective? Not sure because you tell us what two lieutenants are feeling, which we shouldn't know if this was in the commander's perspective.
Once again, you've written third person omniscient.
This is first person:
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Post by StarGirl06 on Oct 10, 2020 8:29:49 GMT -6
Alatariel said the first part with the bodies was creepy, which I agree with but it does leave me wanting to know why, what the purpose is that the dead needs to be kept on board. As someone who writes in first person this isn't it, which I'm also repeating. You seem to do a lot better with writing in third person which is absolutely fine but I'm glad you want to get out of your comfort zone to try something different. However, your first person needs a lot of work to take it away from third. First person can actually be really difficult, the character we follow in first person is the only character's head we are in, we know what this character feels and see's and only that character, this character can't know the exact feelings of another character so this line: " A warm calm filled the two young Lieutenants hearts." doesn't fit in first person, it's. Your character wouldn't know this unless they had some sort of special powers/ability that makes them feel it and by this little excerpt I think it wouldn't fit in this story but I could be wrong.
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You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
