Jib
Spark
Posts: 64
Preferred Pronouns: she/her or they/them
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Post by Jib on Oct 6, 2020 19:34:17 GMT -6
Working Title: Business is Hard Genre: Urban fantasy, maybe a bit of noir thrown in Description: Opener to a short story idea I had, but never really got further with. Looking for ways to make it stronger and more fleshed out. Long story short: business is bad, our wizard friend might eventually have to work some magic to keep a roof above his head. Shred away!
“What? No. I can’t just make a lake appear out of nowhere. What do you think I am? Magic doesn’t work that way. No. You—you’re just not listening to me. That’s—Yes, I KNOW what my shop is called. I’M THE OWNER. Right, right … yes, you have a point. I understand. I did help take care of that poltergeist issue. But see, magic has rules. RULES… okay? It’s not up to me. Lakes are different... Yes, yes, I know. Look, I wish I could do this for you, but I can’t! GOOD DAY.” What was WITH these people expecting me to perform miracles? Yes, I KNOW I’m a freaking wizard… why did they always try to remind me of that? BUT SIR, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO MAGIC. I paced around my office for awhile, fuming, before finally sitting down. I stared at the mountain of paperwork on my desk, feeling exhausted and defeated. So this is my life, huh? From my former glory and spell slinging days, to…this. Oh, I’d become a business person, all right. But not just any kind of business person. I’d become a very special sort-- a FAILURE.
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Post by bilance on Oct 6, 2020 22:55:51 GMT -6
Working Title: Business is Hard Genre: Urban fantasy, maybe a bit of noir thrown in Description: Opener to a short story idea I had, but never really got further with. Looking for ways to make it stronger and more fleshed out. Long story short: business is bad, our wizard friend might eventually have to work some magic to keep a roof above his head. Shred away!
“What? No. I can’t just make a lake appear out of nowhere. What do you think I am? Magic doesn’t work that way. No. You—you’re just not listening to me. That’s—Yes, I KNOW what my shop is called. I’M THE OWNER. Right, right … yes, you have a point. I understand. I did help take care of that poltergeist issue. But see, magic has rules. RULES… okay? It’s not up to me. Lakes are different... Yes, yes, I know. Look, I wish I could do this for you, but I can’t! GOOD DAY.” What was WITH these people expecting me to perform miracles? Yes, I KNOW I’m a freaking wizard… why did they always try to remind me of that? BUT SIR, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO MAGIC. So what kind of wizard is he and what were the services that he offered? Maybe he just sucks at telling people what he can do which often leads to lots of misunderstanding.I paced around my office for awhile, fuming, before finally sitting down. I stared at the mountain of paperwork on my desk What sort of paperwork? Operating fees, pending jobs? are they overdue?, feeling exhausted and defeated. So this is my life, huh? From my former glory and spell slinging days, to…this. Oh, I’d become a business person, all right. But not just any kind of business person. I’d become a very special sort-- a FAILURE.
Too much internal dialogue not enough external description. One suggestion would be that you describe what is happening outside his office before moving in to him shouting over the phone. When it comes to the word wizard the first thing that comes to mind is an old white bearded man but here this guy sounds like a disgruntled office worker. A description of he would do great. Since there was a change in jobs maybe let him compare what he used to wear and what he has to wear now. Also I would like to know more about him either through items that he keeps on his desk to signify his achievement or personality. On the side note. I LOVE the way you used caps in your writing. exclaimation just doesnt seem to cut it anymore and it allows the writer to focus on certain words. I hope you will keep it in your writing. This short straight forward narrative is enough to get a small hook on the readers but maybe after glossing over his environment you could work up a critical case that your character have to solve as soon as possible to keep your audience interested. BTW is this suppose to be a casual slice of life or maybe something more? With that in mind maybe you can alter the atmosphere a bit. Cheers! |
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Jib
Spark
Posts: 64
Preferred Pronouns: she/her or they/them
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Post by Jib on Oct 7, 2020 14:04:51 GMT -6
Thank you  That is helpful! I am probably at my worst when it comes to "external descriptions". I had a little more written in for the next paragraphs about the room (and him stomping around it) but ran out of room. One thing I remember from early advice is making things super specific and not super general. I'm still in that "general" phase here, I think... thanks for the reminder! Food for thought.
I'm glad you like the caps-lock text! I'm sure it won't be for everyone, but I thought it might be a fun way of breaking things up a bit! Especially since I rarely use caps in actual texting and writing. Maybe it works okay since this is a first person narrative.  |
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Post by Alatariel on Oct 7, 2020 21:15:05 GMT -6
I really enjoyed the immersive POV style. It really felt like private internal dialogue or even a journal entry. The frustration is palpable and the phone conversation is super believable. We've all be there, right? The customer who wants something unreasonable and they, themselves, are being completely unreasonable about it. It also made me perk up and wonder what the rules to magic ARE and how those will impact the rest of the story. I also wondered why he was in this position and what got him there. Good to hook readers in that way. With hints, a strong POV, and questions for later.
My only suggestion (mainly because this is something I'm currently challenging myself to do, too) is to show us how he's feeling exhausted and frustrated physically. What does it do to his posture or his fidgeting or how does it feel in his body? I've noticed I write that my characters feel x,y,z and it's been kindly pointed out that it adds more to the story and tightens the POV even more if I describe it rather than state it outright. (Not that it's wrong to say someone "felt exhausted", heavens knows I do it all the time in my stories, but it's just a fun exercise to expand on it and see where it goes.)
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Post by Soliton on Oct 7, 2020 21:40:06 GMT -6
I love this story beginning. You made me smile. I need to read this book now! It will be so funny to read. Please finish it. The idea is terrific with the realities of magic to the normals.
Just an aside, they told me this about one of my submissions. So I know you will love it as well.
What was WITH these people expecting me to perform miracles? Yes, I KNOW I’m a freaking wizard… why did they always try to remind me of that? BUT SIR, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO MAGIC.
I am lead to believe this is a thought and should be italicized, like so. Yes, I know, learning hurts. I'm so brused myself these days.
He might think he is a failure, but to me, he is my make-me-smile hero. Really, this idea has legs go for it and make me smile more.
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Post by Alatariel on Oct 7, 2020 21:54:18 GMT -6
What was WITH these people expecting me to perform miracles? Yes, I KNOW I’m a freaking wizard… why did they always try to remind me of that? BUT SIR, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO MAGIC.I am lead to believe this is a thought and should be italicized, like so. Not always necessary when it's first person narration. It's italicized as an internal thought if it's third person because it's a distanced POV. This could be italicized, but it doesn't have to be. First person is inside the person's head all the time, especially if it's closed first person POV, and if we italicized all thoughts the whole book would be in italics.  Sometimes a thought will be in italics in first person, if you're writing in past tense and the thought is in present tense. Ex) I looked back at the men chasing me and stumbled on a loose rock. Slamming against the paved road, my palms and knees scream with pain. They're going to catch me! I scrambled to my feet, ignoring the stinging from my hands and limped helplessly forward. |
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Jib
Spark
Posts: 64
Preferred Pronouns: she/her or they/them
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Post by Jib on Oct 9, 2020 17:34:56 GMT -6
@both: Ahh, that's helpful! Yes, I could probably use some italics as well in explaining the story. Helpful to note! Alatariel: I need to probably work on that some more. An original version had the character stomping around the office and then slumping back into their chair. Maybe I can incorporate some of that again. Re: the earlier comments, being more specific might also help with this too, I think. Like not just that he's tired, but he's got a headache from staring at the overdue bills (or something like that). Just thinking out loud at this point! With regards to the rules and things, it's a mystery currently to the author as well.  But if I do try to flesh things out a bit, I will do my best to make sure there are tangible rules. Soliton : Aww, thank you! I was hoping to strike a fun tone with a bit of comedy. It's hard to make something that works for everyone, but I'm glad it worked for you! I greatly appreciate the words of encouragement and I hope I can continue with this one! I think it'd make for a fun series of adventures. |
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Post by StarGirl06 on Oct 10, 2020 8:45:31 GMT -6
I would love to read more of this, find out how he got into his "failure" ways and why he's so frustrated. I reckon it could be quite funny, especially to be able to see his frustration building every time someone asks him to do something he can't do because of these rules. I like that this is sounding like a more modern wizard than one you'd find in Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. Was the first part him on the phone to someone or his thoughts, guessing it's his thoughts because you didn't mention a phone but it would be cool to be a phone call. It reads more as that to me with the pauses in it.
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That is helpful! I am probably at my worst when it comes to "external descriptions". I had a little more written in for the next paragraphs about the room (and him stomping around it) but ran out of room. One thing I remember from early advice is making things super specific and not super general. I'm still in that "general" phase here, I think... thanks for the reminder! Food for thought. 
Sometimes a thought will be in italics in first person, if you're writing in past tense and the thought is in present tense. 
But if I do try to flesh things out a bit, I will do my best to make sure there are tangible rules. 
