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Post by bilance on Oct 5, 2020 19:16:01 GMT -6
Thunder rumbled above the ashen sky as a crack of lightning flashed onto a large pirate ship. A girl was thrown onto the deck. Her once bright flowery dress stained with soot and her short curly hair completely disheveled. But what puts her apart from the rest of the captives kneeling before her was the blue jaded dolphin necklace.
“What’s it going to be? Your people or your dignity as the chief’s daughter.” The sultry voice towering behind her cackled over the desperate pleas from the fishermen held at sword point.
“I’ll give you what you want. Just let them go.”
“Locations first.”
“Burning cave…”
“Marlon take your men and set sail for Burning cave. Soon Roumen will be mine.” The voice said as her gray iris fixated onto the small port in the distance.
Author's note
I want to make it feel like a game trailer of an up coming mmorpg. Thoughts and suggestion would be much appreciated.
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Post by Alatariel on Oct 5, 2020 23:57:24 GMT -6
Assuming you would like a nice shred?  It's a strong beginning, the scene is set nicely with good sensory details weaved into it. Some minor notes: Thunder rumbled above [in] the ashen sky as a crack of lightning flashed onto a large pirate ship [nitpicky thing: lightning first, then thunder. I suggest perhaps switching the order. "Lightning flashed in the ashen sky above illuminating the deck of the pirate ship, followed closely by a rumbler of thunder."]. A girl was thrown onto the deck. Her once bright flowery dress stained with soot and her short curly hair completely disheveled. But what puts her apart from the rest of the captives kneeling before her was the blue jade d dolphin necklace. [this is narrator intrusion, do you want a tight POV or do you want author input like this? If you don't want the intrusion of the author's voice, I suggest maybe "The blue jade dolphin necklace clearly marking her as the chief's daughter."]“What’s it going to be? Your people or your dignity as the chief’s daughter.” The sultry voice [a description like this made me wonder if the person was female or male. Perhaps it would be best to tell us here. "The sultry woman's voice..." towering behind her cackled [contradiction in tone. Sultry doesn't typically equal loud. It's a tone rather than a quality, like "whisper" is a tone and "gravely" is a quality. A whisper cannot be loud but a gravely voice can be.] over the desperate pleas from the fishermen held at sword point. “I’ll give you what you want. Just let them go.” “Locations first.” “Burning cave…” [I'd love a little insight into the emotional impact here...is she stuttering from the cold? Head bowed out of shame? Glaring in defiance?]“Marlon take your men and set sail for Burning cave. Soon Roumen will be mine.” The voice said as her gray iris [floating body parts! If a mysterious feeling is wanted, there are other ways besides keeping the reader in the dark about the character speaking. At this point, tell us if this voice is connected to a human being and where the iris is located. Preferably in a head.  ] fixated onto the small port in the distance. Author's note
I want to make it feel like a game trailer of an up coming mmorpg. Thoughts and suggestion would be much appreciated.Hope that helped! Gotta love a pirate related game! |
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Post by bilance on Oct 6, 2020 0:07:35 GMT -6
Yes a shred was what I'm hoping for. For this is the opening scene of the story without the main character introduced yet. I would like it to be more open like a camera pandering the scenes rather than a tight POV coming from the chief's daughter. As for the ways to keep the readers in the dark about the character speaking, what methods would you suggest? For me my intentions was to reveal she only has one eye while revealing her goal at the same time. Thanks again for the critique.
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Post by Alatariel on Oct 6, 2020 0:34:50 GMT -6
Let's see...
"What's it going to be? Your people or your dignity as the chief’s daughter?” A sultry woman's voice demanded menacingly behind her and out of sight, ignoring the desperate pleas from the fisherman held at sword point.
.....
“Marlon take your men and set sail for Burning cave. Soon Roumen will be mine.” The woman said, her lone eye swiveling in its socket and fixating onto the small port in the distance.
Main notes: beware of disembodied voices and floating body parts. You gotta anchor them in bodies and people. Just saying "the woman" without a name is mysterious enough. Giving us small details like "lone eye" is one more clue but keeps us asking questions. Trust me, I know how hard it is walking the line between being too vague and giving too much information. It's a dance. Experiment and rework things until they feel right.
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Post by bilance on Oct 6, 2020 0:45:27 GMT -6
Let's see... "What's it going to be? Your people or your dignity as the chief’s daughter?” A sultry woman's voice demanded menacingly behind her and out of sight, ignoring the desperate pleas from the fisherman held at sword point...... “Marlon take your men and set sail for Burning cave. Soon Roumen will be mine.” The woman said, her lone eye swiveling in its socket and fixating onto the small port in the distance.Main notes: beware of disembodied voices and floating body parts. You gotta anchor them in bodies and people. Just saying "the woman" without a name is mysterious enough. Giving us small details like "lone eye" is one more clue but keeps us asking questions. Trust me, I know how hard it is walking the line between being too vague and giving too much information. It's a dance. Experiment and rework things until they feel right. Thanks Alatriel I'll experiment around till I can get a good balance and something visually captivating |
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Post by Soliton on Oct 17, 2020 21:00:50 GMT -6
Avoid connecting weather with the setting. Bad weather for a bad situation. Sunny day for weddings. Fog for confusion. Clouds for foreboggings. (I’m trying to not do this myself)
The drama needs to be more intense.
“What’s it going to be?” try “We’ll slice your people up for shark bait.”
“I’ll give you what you want…” try
“You are dead already. This is what will happen. When daylight comes, you will see you’re surrounded by the Black Fleet. My ships will take you in chains to Burning Cave. There all of you and Roumen (the pig) will be fried with my morning sausages before me.”
BTW… Black Beard’s real name was Edward Drummond AKA Edward Teach.
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It's a strong beginning, the scene is set nicely with good sensory details weaved into it. Some minor notes:
] fixated onto the small port in the distance. 
You add them to your profile as you do them around the forum.
